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its not that he doesnt care... its just somehow when we talk... we get in a conflicted state ... how can i avoid always falling in conflicts... and be more understanding of each other... as to not feel we are heading for a disaster... sensible mature and ppl who know how to make relationships work only answer!:)
Watslifeallabout Watslifeallabout 31-35 6 Answers Nov 26, 2012 in Dating & Relationships

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Practice having the purpose of your conversation be to understand the other person, not to have the other person understand you.

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thanx... i know i fail there at times...but why this doesnt cause a problem with sibblings and parrents... why it bcomes such a big deal with someone u are wishing to make a life partner

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a few potential reasons (there's overlap here):
1. you and he have a cycle/pattern of behavior that is easy to fall into -- and you don't have that with parents/sibs
2. it is more emotionally charged with him, perhaps because the issues are closer to your fears.
3. you have had many years to learn how to have conversations with parents/sibs. the dynamic is, of course, different.
4. the nature of a partner relationship is far more intimate than parent/sibs, and this carries a lot with it.

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Ask more questions; including those which challenge your beliefs as well as his.<br />
Develop the confidence to have your beliefs challenged and the strength to change what you believe.<br />
Be willing to have different beliefs about things and appreciate that the difference can be interesting.<br />
Remember always that there is only one person you can change, and that is yourself.

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It's odd that you can't talk at all without getting into a conflict. It would be worthwhile to figure out which one of you is turning conversations in that direction. It seems like you should be able to talk about at least 90% of subjects without any disagreements.<br />
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I would try to figure out which one of you is steering conversations toward arguments and how that is being done. It's hard to do that in the moment, so I would try to remember and write down what each of you said later, after it's over, and go back and analyze where the conversation started going wrong.<br />
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If you can identify the "trigger," you may be able to avoid it in the future.

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so true... but avoiding areas of conflict... is not always healthy... anythng that is important must be discussed and brought up... he used to say... is his past... cuz of his need for his partner he wud try to shove all the conflicting parts under the rug only to keep experiencing them...and i wanted us to be able to discuss and get them solved rather then just keep ignoring and avoiding them... most of the areas are of beleif... i know i cant budge from my beleives... for example... i cant tolerate him having alcohol... why... cuz its not allowed . its ot healthy and i dont want my childresn father to be an alcoholic... i love him dearly thats a fact too... but i know i cant change him when he decides he wants to do it. i know i cant talk him into doing what i prefer... i dont waant him to change for me... but the fact i cannot accept him with it... gets me in a conflict... when one fine day i get up and tell him wat am i thinking marryng a guy like u who drinks... and then... later when i think abt it... i still love him... even with the fact that he consumed alcohol or may continue with in the future... it doesnt stop me to question him... but nor does it stop me to keep locing him... i am torned!

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Yes, you don't want to avoid conflict, but you also don't want to bring up difficult subjects every time you talk. It's a balance. Should you let something that bothers you slide and never mention it? Of course not, but you also don't want to choose the middle of a romantic dinner as the time to bring up the subject again. A study of successful relationships/marriages found that many of them had arguments and even shouting, but that they also had "good times" outnumbering bad times by 10 to 1. If you find that your ratio is a lot closer to 1 to 1, or you even have more negative interactions than positive ones, you need to learn to practice some strategic avoidance of hot-button issues -- at least for a while.

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strategic avoidance of hot-button issues -- at least for a while --- i think thats where i get it so not right... i am an impulsive idnividual... who needs to get done with imp things right away and get out of them as soon as possible so that i cud enjoy rest of my life without having anything to do with them...

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Much of my answer has been adequately covered in previous answers above. There is no one more important, there is no one more interesting than one's self. That is to say, let your partner talk about themselves and ask questions until you have a (more) complete understanding. Perhaps then they would ask about yourself and you would feel better having your partner know where you stand on things. If not, you might not want to make this person a life partner and end it amicably. And remember, if you don't want to know, don't ask.

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