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This past year, I started college, and ended up going to the same college as my brother, who raped me when i was little. So i had trouble trusting people and forming relationships. People would ask about my brother, and I would freeze inside, but lie that I was close to him. I couldn't (don't know if i still am) handle living a lie, and so i stopped talking to people. i started to avoid them. I feel that someone want to get to know me and try to contact me but I don't want to. I feel like I offended them, but I really don't mean to; they aren't bad people. It's just that I can't be completely honest with them and how i feel and what im dealing with because if i tell them that my brother raped me, they'll probably spill the secret and the whole campus will know and I will be ostracized. It's just human nature to spill secrets. We are social creatures. So i guess i don't trust them because they can't keep secrets, and also because they don't understand rape, but it's not their fault.
blue1324 blue1324 18-21 2 Answers May 4 in Community

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That's a terrible thing to keep secret but also not a good idea to tell everyone. People just don't understand and they don't need an explanation about it.

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Thank you for your response. I completely agree.
Thank you for understanding.

You're awesome. really.
I'm glad you can understand where i'm coming from.

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maybe get some counseling if you must talk about it because counselors are bound by privacy laws, and it's good to get it off your chest too and find out what other options there are for you to deal with the problems you are having

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But I am slowly learning to compartmentalize so that i don't freeze whenever someone mentions my brother or my past sexual experience. <br />
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Right now, I feel that i have offended some people unintentionally, by not talking to them, because i was scared and confused as to who i trust and who were my friends. I was also confused as to who i was and what i stood for because i was struggling to stand up for what i believed in, and i didn't know what i believed in because i couldn't stand up for myself. <br />
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But now, i realize that sticking up for myself really, actually is living a successful healthy life. <br />
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It really doesn't have to do with seeking justice, which would require me to speak out about this, which would create a lot of rumors and stigmatization, which would make me ostracized by the community. and that would not help me live a successful and happy life where i get to share happy experiences with people, get good relationships with professor and do well in school, get a good job and earn sufficient money to be able to be independent so that I don't have to be slave to someone who is abusive. <br />
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It's a circle, and the world isn't black and white. <br />
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By aquiesing the need to seek justice, I will live a happy life, which will lead me to get power to protect myself and perhaps become powerful enough to seek justice. <br />
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It's kind of like singing. <br />
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If you want to be able to sing well, instead of trying so hard to sing (strainging), i need to do the opposite; relax. <br />
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It's really funny how, sometimes, I need to do the exact opposite to get the result that I want. <br />
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For example, If i want to get a good job, I should stop worrying about jobs, and just do well in whatever im doing now. That will get me a job. <br />
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I need to be able to see that relinquishing my power to see everything in my future short AND long term at once is actually preventing me from reaching the short term because i'm wasting energy and time thinking about the long term goal, and thus never get the short term goal done. <br />
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So my real problem is to be able to relinquish my wantingness to have total control over my future. <br />
I need to stop worrying. <br />
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I know it comes from the fact that i do not want to be hurt again, and that there is something imminent in my future that will hurt me comes from horrible previous experience. <br />
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But the past does not determine the future, and just because my parents were abusive and were fighting and that my brother raped me in the past doesn't mean that it will happen again. <br />
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I know i had this mentality before, and it broke because they challenged it so many times that my immune system and healthy mentality was weakened by their negativity. <br />
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Since they proved me wrong so many times, it was just easier to believe that they were are always going to be abusive. <br />
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But that's like believing that the world is always going to be mean and cynical and all the bad things. <br />
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Why believe that? No matter how much the world has broken my positive mentality in the past, I should not give up. <br />
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Because nothing is worth as much as my positive attitude. <br />
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not even the fact that my positive attitude broken down so many times before. <br />
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Why have a positive attitude?<br />
Because everything that i will ever want will be in this world. <br />
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Come to this side, and I'll show you what a wonderful world this is. <br />
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But one thing is for sure, have this experience project;; have multiple people you can trust and be honest with and those who have positive attitudes and will be able to get you to your next step in life. <br />
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Multiple people is extremely important. don't put your eggs in one basket. <br />
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Remember what happened when you only relied on your brother in high school. You remembered that he had harmed to badly in the past. and you had no one to talk to because the person that you normally talk to about deep problems like this and he was the problem. <br />
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So that's not ok. <br />
Have multiple people that are EQUALLY trustworthy. <br />
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this is really important. Don't force yourself to trust someone either. it's something that forms naturally and you can't really force this. this happens naturally. <br />
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Like right now, I know i trust experience project and that i can be completely honest here. <br />
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So i know i will always have this. :) <br />
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Thank you from the bottom of my heart, experience project. <br />
Whoever made this, i wish i could invent something like what you made one day. <br />
<br />
Or provide a similar service, where people have a safe space to be honest and seek support for the things they really need help on. <br />
<br />
Thank you so much. <br />
<br />
Everyone needs to feel loved and cared for. <br />
<br />
And this project does just that. <br />
<br />
You save so many lives. <br />
<br />
Thank you.

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I also think that i knew all of this before. i just needed help getting through the emotion senior year. bc the emotions were too overwhelming.

I had reasoned that it was not worth writing that essay.
But it was because

i dared to venture into a territory that scared me.
if i didn't then, i would have crossed it anyway sometime in my future.

I now know more things about myself :

1) i can't rely on just one person. I need to spread my networks. It does not matter whether they are in person or just online. What is important is that I have another human being i can talk to and be completely honest about what i am feeling and what i am thinking.

my mistake last time was just relying on my brother. I did that because i couldn't find anyone else who could relate to me in terms of family violence and other things that i was insecure about.

but that was partly because i didn't share my insecurities with my friends; i definitely had the choice to share it , and open the possibility of forming really close friends. (like i did with ;; in eighth grade. ) again, believe in relationships because they can happen, when people dont' back stab you and leave you and abuse your vulnerability for their advantage.

2) it's not really good to repeatedly remember negative experiences from my past WITHOUT having access to people who can help me get through it.

If it's about family, i kNOW that i need outside help besides mom dad or my brother BEFORE i decide to work some things through. I always need people to trust.

Now i know htat i will always have experience project so i got rid of this problem of being trapped in my own thoughts and in my own world. Although technically this is still not really tangible, I KNOW that you guys are real people. And that matters.

3) Have people around me that KNOW ME and all of me so that they can help me when I am not doing well. (for example, no one at school knew that my brother had raped me so they couldn't offer help. I mean, actually in my case, this doesn't really work because i wouldn't tell anyone because it's not a supportive environment in this sense. So what I need to do is always have acccess to internet. because EP will be my source of help when i need one. And i won't be afraid to ask for help.

If anyone can suggest another networking site that is amazing at helping people, I would greatly appreciate if you can write them down below. <3

Honestly this is the biggest thing I learned from this experience .

Is to have more than one person that i trust.

Because if that person becomes the problem (that happens because people aren't perfect), i have someone to turn to.

And don't just rely on therapist because i only have access to it 1 hour of 1 week. That's not even close to being enough communication.

Right now the people i trust are you guys.

Thank you so much.

I think this is the most important thing because then, i dont' have to worry about other things, because i know that i will always have someone to talk my problems through, whatever they are.

Thank you , EP for existing.

really.

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Another thing i learned is to keep seeing therapy .

because that does help a lot.

I wouldn't even have had the guts to write on EP if it weren't for my therapist building my confidence that people actually do understand what im going through.

so do that.

and EP.

and my college can be what i put out.

not people i trust, but people who have what i want , which is the ability to provide financial aid and free food and connections and jobs.

Yay!

wow. thank you so much, EP.

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Things to do:

Keep good relationships with all people on campus.

And to be honest, i don't think you should break off relationships with ;;
or anyone for that matter.

Yeah, they will not know this side of you, that you were raped.

This is just like high school.

That's not a bad thing.

The reason for your downfall was that you were overwhelmed with emotions from the past.

and there are ways you can prevent the same thing from happening again.

1) minimize your stay at home.
- have internships.
- MAKE SURE YOU GET GOOD GRADES SO YOU CAN STAY ON CAMPUS.

so that you aren't subject to as much negativity, and thus won't weaken your healthy mental attitude.

2) take care of yourself . be the best that you can be.
by that i mean balance. and being mentally healthy and physically healthy and emotionally healthy.

and cutting a lot of contact with my brother and his girlfriend.

3) Don't remind yourself of the past. cut out lingo that is triggering or reminds you of an unpleasant past. Because that's all useless now.
You got into to college, and no one's trying to make you dig out your past.

4) get license. so that i have more autonomy and have control over my mental health when i am at home.

4) identify and don't be around people who stress you out.

5) know that you will be ok no matter what.

6) be around people who support you and those who don't stress you out.

it's as simple as that.

See, there is really no solution to rape;

if you fall into depression again because of something related to rape, it might be the same as it was in high school where no one knows what you are dealing with and thus no one offers to help.

Yeah, you will have experience project and the therapist, but you know that in the midst of your depression, you might not even be able to think clearly to post things on here, or need more help and actual human interactive support for you to be able to get through it.

That's the truth because you have dealt with some things that are isolating, and cannot trust anyone that you know personally with.

My mom or my dad or my brother, basically my family:

reality is, my dad and mom still hate each other, and fight for money.

This is something that is slightly stigmatized within society also, although this is not as big of a deal to talk about because i know i can relate to people on campus about mom and dad fighting - although i realize now that i still need more support on that and i need to find someone to talk to BESIDES my brother.

I have the therapist and EP and my friend ;; - i need more than that just in case they aren't available and i want to talk to someone face to face about it.

ok.

I need to form relationships with people who are dealing with the same family - related problems as i am.

which is:

my mom is financially relying on my dad to live.
they both hate each other.
My mom complains to me about my dad and how horrible he is.


(my brother raped me and thus i still do not like him) <-- but this, i no i will not be telling anyone on campus. i will rely on EP for help with this topic.
^ honestly, i can deal with it, kind of . as long as i have enough distance away from him, and I have what i need which is people to rely on to help me solve my mom and dad problems

and i have support on getting help getting internships and jobs,

and i don't really need him, he won't really bother me.

ok. so this is what i need:

i need to build relationships with people - not just one person but a lot of people -

that i can rely on for the real problem which is family related.

Academics is also a problem, but i have more control over that.

So my goal is to find people i can rely for help with dealing with my mom and my dad ;

basically, i need to find a replacement for my brother.
i think i may have found that person.

ok. stick with that person, and look for other people.

and see people in that lens.

in terms of whether they also are dealing with this mom and dad problem situation.

you don't know that unless you talk to them.

if they look financially well off, well, i sometimes look financially well off.
so looks aren't everything.

you know what? i feel like i can't trust people here though, because i would have to lie to them about my brother.

wait. but so? i can still ask them for help in knowing how to deal with my mom.

Yes we are in the same family but we can dissect the family situation into separate problems. I have enough of a clear mind to be able to dissect my family situation without feeling overwhelmed. let me try this.

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well, hopefully someone will offer to help.

because people here are more sane than my parents back home.
and actually talk to me and have enough room to think and be on the same wavelength as me, or try to be. which is the most important part.

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Basically as long as you are here, you will be around sane people. don't worry about no one caring, because someone cares for you here. i know that. because that person have checked up on me. <3

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I get why someone said that i should wait until i tell this secret.

Because i am not financially able to be independent. If i were to tell this secret and show the world my problem, they would not be able to fix it, because it requires them to buy me a house and food and a car and basically raise me.

and no one will do that.

I recognize that. and until i can raise myself and make sure that i can solve the problem, i will not say it.

i will be around supportive people because this is a problem because it is on my mind.

I need to work towards solving this goal (do well in school and be with supportive people. Maybe you should talk to your next year roommate and see if you can

i really hope no one from my college reads this. that would defeat the whole purpose of this website. But anyway

switch with my blockmate. because it's obvious that she likes parties and i don't.

she'd match better with --

and i would match better with --

i know that ;;

i don't know what i should do;;

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i know what i should do i just don't know how i should get it done.
(in terms of approaching her)

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