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Froxie Froxie 56-60, F 7 Answers Aug 24 in Parenting & Family

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instead of justifying what you're doing - or arguing, just say nothing.

"you know what you ought to do...blah blah blah blah"
*stare without comment*

let them be uncomfortable. say nothing.

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I wish I could do the same...my father is so critical when it comes to my daughter who is also in the autism spectrum, she has aspergers and o.d.d. She is 15 and have had a hard life but my father just thinks she is trouble....I tell him she is not trouble, she is troubled! He doesn't even consider her to be his own granddaughter and that angers me! He cannot accept her!

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Same here. My son needs to be fixed so everyone will be comfortable. He's spoiled. He needs to get a job. Blah, blah, blah. Try not to listen. It's really hard to do sometimes. Leave if you can. Just get in the car and go.

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yeah, when it comes to my dad I try not to argue because its like talking to a brick wall...I just wish that he would accept her as she is, she is still his granddaughter!

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My mother actually tells me that I shouldn't feel bad when my son kills himself because I did all I could! Brick wall. It's easy to say, like I just did, not to listen. But it's a lot harder to actually do, right?

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yeah its sad...my dad says that my daughter needs to be "institutionalized"....he will go on to say that there is no help for her, when really she has alot of service providers working with her in her behavioral issues. It is alot harder to do, than just brush off his comments and shrug off what he has to say, because his words can sometimes be very hurtful! She thinks her own grandfather doesn't like her. How does that make a child feel? I resent my father for that.

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I guess the answer is to just say something like,"I'm sorry s/he makes you feel uncomfortable. This is the way things are, so prep your manners when we come over. S/he and I both have feelings." Maybe worth a try. My mother is old and has list her "edit" button. But no one else has.

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*lost her...

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That has to be so difficult for you. My son has bipolar disorder and a serious case at that. I must be fortunate because my family doesn't force feed me any suggestions. I guess if I was you, I would just tell them that you are feeling bullied and need them to stop with the suggestions, unless they want to take care of your son themselves. Unfortunately they probably won't hear the message.

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Yeah, I kind of think that because he's uncomfortable to be around, I have to be the problem. They can transfer their feelings onto me so they can reject him and not feel bad about it. You're so lucky to have an understanding family. It's really hard.

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Don't talk to them or tell them to **** off.

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Agree. Allowed myself to get pushed into hosting Thanksgiving. How do I get out of it? No official invite yet.

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Also, have aging, crazy mother moving here "to take care of me!" Boundaries!

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If you want to be direct - just say no to them. If you want to be polite, say something came up and you aren't available.

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She can't move there unless you allow her.

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I'll make something up. Not hard to do. I always feel like there must be something wrong with me that I'm not seeing. I know I talk a lot. But I think it's a family thing. No matter how old you are, you're labeled and that's that. LOTS of one-sided competition from my sister. Ugh. Endless.

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Hope venting has helped somewhat. :)

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Yes. It does help. Thanks. I just got back from a family vacation. Awful.

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Claim your space from them.

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Will do. The vacation is over, so time to move on.

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Try "thank you for your concern, but I have to handle this myself."

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Believe me, I've tried that. My mother needs to believe I can't handle life alone because she's using me as excuse to move into assisted living. She's moving from another state. I don't care if she wants to tell people that. But she wants it to be true! And boy is she ever cruel. A mean, vindictive streak a mile wide.

We had actually put the past behind us, and had a friendship going. Something I thought would never happen. Then I move here and BOOM! It was like I was 14 again.

I can handle her because she's also bipolar and old. It's my sister, aunt and brother-in-law who all ganged up on me last week.

I can't believe I'm writing these words. I sound like I'm in middle school.

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If you can distance yourself that would be the best. If not then let them blabber on don't answer, don't give them a reaction and do as you please. What they are doing is trying to control you. If they don't get the reaction they want is wont be as much fun for them.

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Why do you think they want to control me?

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People in general have a need to avoid facing themselves. Rather then look inside they try to control others. It makes them feel justified. If each one of us were completely honest we would discover that many things about us need fixing. We all have large ego's after all. It can be a painful process learning this and the way in which we fight back is to "project". As long as we are controlling and telling others what to do we can feel satisfied that we are ok. Therefore eliminating any need to work on us.

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I absolutely agree with you. Interesting. I've grown up with a "kick me" sign on my forehead. I lost it long ago, but I moved back to my home town a few months ago and it's come roaring back. Very strange. Sort of threw me for a loop. I'm trying to re-orient myself with my son and myself in a new life. I'm keenly aware that I tend to talk too much. But I'm a thoughtful, NICE person. Maybe too nice.

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You can continue to be a nice person, nice does not equate with being stepped on. I had to learn this myself. I got lots of help from a book...........The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. It is available online in pdf.

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I read that book years ago and have it around somewhere. It really helped me. I need to read it again! I understand a lot about what's going on. I'm just really hurting because my son just got the bipolar DX, and now everything is different. I wish my family could have embraced my fears and been supportive. But you can't change people, just the way you deal with them. It still just hurts. Not enough time has passed for me to not feel like punching them (would never do that really). I guess I should go do the laundry.

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Thanks so much for listening. Helped a lot.

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