She went to college last year and got suspended from going next year because she skipped so often. She moved into her dad's house a month ago and eats and plays video games all day. I am really worried about her future. He took the car away last week and she has her friends pick her up. Nothing works. She is totally self centered. Some of you say make her pay can't get money from someone that does not have any. She would not pay it.
WishIwasNotaMother WishIwasNotaMother 46-50, F 21 Answers Jun 13, 2009

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Don't set ultimatums ! .

If you really want her to have a job that bad . Help her find one . It doesn't have to be the perfect job ,or a career . Just anything that get her out and motivated to do something .

Then if she doesn't like the job tell her ," this is your life , if you don't get your act together ".

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You give her a time limit to live at home and save money and tell her she has to move out after that. I'd say no more than 6 months.

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I'm assuming she's living at home? Maybe you could tell her she has to start paying rent or you are going to kick her out. It's pretty disrespectful of her to assume you are going to cover all her expenses.

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make in enlist in the military...that will straighten her up.

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I don't believe in charging your child rent, but then my daughter started working when she was 16, went to college and got her degree. If she is staying with her dad, then he will have to put his foot down. If she stays with you, then don't provide anything but a roof over her head. If she has to buy her own food and essentials, she will have to get a job. Any job. Fast food is not an insult. Waitressing is a good way to make money also. There are jobs out there, just maybe not the ones we want. Sit her down and show her just how much things cost. Rent, utilities, food, gas, car insurence, ect. Show her how lucky she is to have a place to stay. Maybe she'll wake up. If not, you might try having her go to counselling to see why her self esteem is so low that she doesn't want to have her own life as an adult. I could not throw my daughter out. I would worry about her too much. I would however, not tolerate her not doing anything. You can always make it unpleasent to be there by giving her things to do around the house since she is not paying her way. No friends over after a certain hour. Don't loan her your car. Dump all of the housework on her or tell her she has to find her own place. You could set her up in a nice studio, pay a couple of month's rent and then tell her that she better find a job because she will have to come up with the rent in two months and leave her to make her way. She may find that she likes living on her own and if the rent isn't too much, then a minimun wage job may be enough to get her off her butt. Making your own way in the world raises self esteem. Be there for her to talk to and love, but don't enable. Just help when you want to in the way that you want to and make her do the rest herself. Hope this helps.

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hello! im 19 at the mo....this sound like me a couple of years ago though....i dropped out of two colleges and spent my time drinking, getting stonned and getting a bit fat... and ignoring every peice of advice i was given.some how i stumbeld into a job working in a special needs department at a school......i loved it and i found that i was good at something...i went back to college, i got help with my dyslexia and it was brilliant...i finish college in two weeks and im going to uni to do a degree in working with kids with special needs... before i sorted my self out my partents where really worried about me to..i think things have a funny way of sorting themselves out... be supportive with out being pushy and im sure she'll find her way...i did :D x

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my experience with watching many others go through it - and it especially applies when your child is living with another parent who does not handle things the way u would like.

I would talk to her like an adult & ask what's going on. Let her know how you feel without being pushy. After this, project an attitude (withOUT words) that you have confidence in her & that she is better than her behavior. ANd stay out of it. She is a big girl & has to learn this one for herself. You raised her & now have to let lessons you taught have time to simmer. If you push - instead of her getting a job, hu,an nature is to focus on the on who's pushing & you will delay her progress.

That being said - hardest thing in the world to do!!! But have faith in her...give her her own time. Hugs!!!

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Being homeless is a pretty strong motivator. Spend a couple nights outside or in jail, you might decide to do something.

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That is probably a huge challenge! I know because my parents had to push me really hard. But they made it clear that they were not going to buy the expensive things that I wanted and they would provide everything I essentially needed, food, shelter, car rides, car, telephone, internet, know all of that gotta level with her and make it clear that it is for her own good to learn how to take care of herself and that by you wanting her to get a job -- you're just trying to do your job as a parent. be creative, find a way around "nagging." good luck!

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talk to her:

-ask her if she would like it if you took her to go "job hunting " one day out of the week?

- look for jobs in the newspaper or online and hand it to her

-tell her that she needs to make more of her life and she would feel better if she could provide for herself and not be a parasite and sponge off of her host.

- let her know that you love her very much and would do anything for her but it's also time to put her big girl panties on and get a job even if its just babysitting 2-3x's a week

- talk to her friends if only a minute (maybe the next time they are there) and ask them why she wont get a job or maybe to talk to her about getting a job

- tell her that she needs to become a valuable part of society and start doing instead of taking.

i hope this helps (o ,. i wouldnt threaten to kick her out but maybe say she needs to buy her stuff like her own shampoo, definetly own clothes, etc, she will likely just go live with a friend if she is kicked out,.. no leason learned there)

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We went through this with our son (now 34) and eventually we had to "kick him out". It was the hardest thing I ever did as a parent. I agonised over it and worried myself sicjk about his future.

He was astonished when we finally did it. Thought we would never actually resort to doing it - just threaten. He found work very quickly - and from then on was almost always in employment.

He needed the shove to realise he HAD to take responsibility for himself. Once he did so, his self esteem improved and he became more confident. That increased his "employability". He is a well adjusted, mature and self sufficient adult now.

I know how HARD it is to do, but I encourage you and her father to take the same steps.

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I'm 18, living with my parents, and rather lazy myself. I help with chores and do anything they want me to do around the house; which can be quite a bit, because we have a sort of small farm, so there's goats and chickens and the garden to tend.

I stay home mostly because of insecurity. My parents will pay me for doing certain tasks, and they actually seem to enjoy my presence. I'm terrified of driving and may have some sort of anxiety disorder, so it's hard for me to think of working outside home. My parents, thankfully, are going easy on me, and Mom is slowly taking me out driving again, so hopefully, I'll "grow up" evenutally. For the moment though, I think everyone's happy with this.

Make sure your daughter knows she's expected to do more; it always drives me crazy when my parents don't tell me what they want me to do, but then get upset when I don't do it! How was I supposed to know?!

Also, make sure she isn't insecure and frightened, like me. If she is, then try to slowly help her overcome her fear. If she's not, if she's just being rebellious, then you can start to consider things like making her pay rent.

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girl's like money at that spending and shopping. Try letting her do what she's doing for awhlie. Ease up on the pressure.She'll get sick of no money to spend, no car, no new clothes,getting rides and be lazy.Her friends will get tired of her lazy attitude too.

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She is an adult...Show her what the real world is like....I told my kids long ago....That when they hit things will happen...They go to school...and they can stay under my roof....No questions asked...

If not school...Then they have to get a job and help pay the bills....

Or they can get the hell out.....I kicked my oldest out three times....and the last time..She knew that Mom ment busness...So she got a job...and her own place...Now she is married and has her own home

I think that I got my point across...Oh yea...and she drives a better car than we do...She paid for it herself...Got no help from Mom and Dad....I think that I have done my job.

Now go and do yours...(do not mean to sound mean...Just the way of the world)

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sounds like my's hard on us because our generation had a work ethic...these days the government could help by putting unemployed into compulsory military service for two years....that would "knock" the laziness out of them

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I would simply tell her that she needs to start paying rent if she is going to stay at your house. Whatever you do, don't try to impose restrictions on her like she is still a child, like grounding her, etc... unless it involves taking away her right to use something that belongs to you anyway. I am a 19 year old woman myself (but I haven't been kicked out of college, thankfully) and I really resent it when my parents still treat me like I am a child.

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Is your daughter confident or does she have low self esteem? She may be procrastinating because she fears what it will be like in the work place. I got bullied pretty bad at school and college and I put off getting a job because I thought it would be the same there, I never told my parents that though and they put pressure on me till I applied and got one. I think you need to be firm (don't give her money) but supportive by praising any attempts to get a job. Try not to argue as she will dig her heels in to try and p*ss you off if she is like any other typical teenager.

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The economy is pretty bad now, and since your daughter is 19, it must be even harder for her to find a job right now. So many people lost their jobs and are going after college and high school jobs, leaving younger people out of work.

I don't know if your daughter is putting in no effort at all, but if she is trying, you should try to help her. Ask your friends and contacts for possible job leads and refer your daughter. And like I said, it might not be her fault she hasn't found a job yet. It took me months to find mine.

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