You never fully get over it. I've been hanging on to it for 25 years. You just learn to live with it, to accept it, to deal with it and to focus on other things. One day and one step at a time.
I think you answered your own question. "I've been hanging onto it." Like Hongruilin said, you never get over it, but you do eventually let it go, almost without thought. You stop allowing the abuse to define you. You fill your life with new things and someday, you'll find that your new experiences are taking up more room in your mind than the past is.
if i spent enough time i could come close to explaining it, but it would still only be words, and with deep convictions, words flow off our hearts like water off a ducks back
just fight back against the most negative thoughts, reflect deeply when you can and keep living - time will become your friend if you don't give up, and you will find your own answers
There's no one path. With as many different variations of abuse as there are... threre's twice as many ways to deal with it. I have a best friend who I hellped work though this sort of situation. You have to first forgive yourself for all the guilt your're carrying around (not being good enough, not standing up, not making phone calls, etc).
Then you have to seperate yourself from your abuser in your mind. It is not a co or dependent relationshipl. You are who you need to be taking care or first. Children come next. etc. You have to stop listening and you literally have to re teach yourself. Changng brain patterns.
Take some time to write down situations that suck you in . Like if i watch triggoring movies i get upset. or If I fight with mom I regress and freeze up.
Recognize those patters and when you see the change something.