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pril79 pril79 31-35, F 23 Answers Oct 25, 2012 in Marriage

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They should want to make the effort. A relationship should NOT be a chore.<br />
A) communicate<br />
B) respect<br />
C) care for one another.

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What if it appears that they don't want to make effort?

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Then, that in itself is a message. When I wanted to end things with my Ex...I killed any opportunity to strengthen our relationship. Time apart is more then likely what will get your message across. The message being, that your partner needs to work with you.

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It sounds like you have put so much energy into this, and have gotten nothing back. It also sounds like nothing is going to change; it feels as if he is unwilling to see acknowledge your desperation...and your concern. Misery with the situation is how it sounds, and it will only get worse unless he starts confessing what it going on inside of him. You can't keep pouring out like this without getting your tank refilled.<br />
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I feel you need to resign yourself to a big confrontation, where you spell out how bad your situation has gotten. And he has to start talking about where he is at. He's lost that loving feeling, and its gone, gone, gone.<br />
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I wish you the best.

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You cant make anyone do anything. He has to realise the importance of it himself, perhaps with a nudge from you, but whatever he decides to do, has to come because he wants to, not because he is expected to.

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any idea's on how to nudge.. a bit!

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Perhaps, appreciate and make a deal out of something he does, reward it with something .. let him realise, his actions have positive reactions .... eventually he might get the hang of it.

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thats normal for me. i always do that. i praise him so much for all the help he will do after I ask of course.
but he like empty the dishwasher yesterday before i got home from work. I was amazed and I didn't have to tell him.
so i offered up some rated r favors for him. and told him how awesome he was. and how much I appreciate him doing that.

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Sometimes its just how some people are.. lazy. I mean no offense. And they are happy to be passive and sit back and let the others take charge and action too. Just keep encouraging him as you are doing. :)

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I was floored when i got home yesterday he had some stuff done in the house. This is out of no where. I praised him 20X more then i normally did. using your advise. he even turned down a BJ. lol

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Yay for you ... keep it up. :) A little (LOT) encouragement hurts no one, lol.

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That's something they have to want to do on their own you will never make them...

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well we can never make anyone do anything. but we can indirectly suggest it.

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True

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make them think the relationship will end, then they will show their true colors

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how would you suggest doing that?

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well, i have been on the other side of this and i have been told that if things dont change the relationship will end, and i have had someone actually pack up and suggest theat she was leaving. both ways made me double my efforts to make the relationship work

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i don't know if i have the balls to do that. I love him i don't want to hurt him.

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completely understandable

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Everything said so far seems to be pointing out that you do or anyone else does not deserve to be treated this way and suggesting what you can do to make things better.<br />
well dah! no one deserves to be treated this way and dah! again where is it written that you are the one that should be making all these efforts...if they do not see there is a problem then to them there is not one, perception is reality and my dear it is time to change yours!!!!

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use the law of Power! Use Absence-Presence law! Make your partner fill that you dont need him anymore and start hanging out with some of your friends! This will lead to jealousy and if all goes well your partner will put more effort to win you back if really cares for you or else.................

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i like your advise your not telling me to do any wrong to him or leave him just make him aware i don't Need him.
thanks!

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Have the same problem myself , an I coming to reality . That he's taken all of it for granted . Nothing worked I even left him regard he did the baby I love I do what ever it takes line an that did work either .ITS WHAT U WANT AN WHAT YOUR WILLING TO EXCEPT

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how long has it been going on?

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9 years for me but the last 5 years have gotten worse . Well the king is about to be dethroned soon .

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ouch. man i hope i don't work on this for 9 years to figure out the same outcome. I do have lots of hope tho because he wasn't always like this.

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Do nothing yourself and they will soon see your point =)

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No they won't

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U shouldn't have to! :/

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aww that's so sweet to say. sadly i think i have to.

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Give her/him a raise. Studies have shown that well paid people perform 13% better. Inversely, if you cant afford that, reduce the pay and expect less.

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great suggestion thanks!

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if you can be creative with incentives, sometimes that helps

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for example??

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find something that drives them crazy and dangle it like a carrot. I cannot give specific examples as I do not know this person. That's why I say takes some creativity

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If they don't put the effort in, you can always put less effort in.

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isn't that doing the same thing right back to them?

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Yep. If they don't step up, it's obvious they don't care.

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Show some skin. =D

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didn't work!

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Show more!!!

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Being overlydemanding only takes the passion out of the fire. All I can say is be understanding, and always listen to what the other party is saying. =0

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understanding to what lack of desire to put effort into his own life.? me not understand.

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