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SashaAmazon SashaAmazon 31-35, F 18 Answers Feb 7, 2013 in Parenting & Family

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Every child has the right to know his or her father. If the father is belatedly coming to the realization that he should behave like a father...perhaps he should be given a chance.<br />
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I would gently ask your child if he or she had ever wondered about their father....and lead in from there.

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I think I'll do that. She has a stepfather who she thinks is her real father. Well, outwardly. The last names are different plus I think my mother, out of pure hatred, told my daughter the truth a couple of years ago.

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hiding the truth is uttery wrong-whether or not she wants to see him, aside- she should not be mislead into thinking a man is her biological father--That deception will bite you in the @ss

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The truth will aways be revealed so lying about it will only make things worse. It could be that it is time for the truth to be revealed and let the chips fall where they may. The truth will set you free.

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this is one of the most horrid of lies told a child

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I hope it does. I'm just worried about what the effect of having this man pop in and out of her life might be.

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I know a woman whose father similarly abandoned her at a very young age. Her mother died when she was very young and she was adopted by her grand parents. She always knew the truth about everything and at about 35, once her grandparents had passed away, chose to resume a relationship with her real dad. I advised against it but it seems to have been a good thing for her. Everyone is different so I cant say if it would help or hurt for the child to have a relationship. What I can say is that lies always hurt.

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I understand that. What I'm talking about his "idea" of participating in her life. I've seen it all too often where the "father" is often a no show. Pop up, make great promises, getting the kids hopes up high and then fail to follow through. Or in my case, maybe he'll make a few calls and a big fuss about seeing her and then disappearing for the next odd random number of years. Not acceptable. Either he is in or he is out. Whatever it is, it needs to be consistent.

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Youre child has the right to know her biological roots, that said, she already has a loving father from what ive read. If she is aware her Dad isnt her bio-dad then ask if she would like to meet him. Children are far smarter than many people think. The choice is to continue with the status quo and ensure the weak and errant father is never allowed access or get it over with, why your daughter is still young enough and resilient enough to survive what i guarantee to be a traumatic event. Time to discuss this as a family, you, your partner and your daughter together. Let her decide, as mentioned, resentment has a terrible way of eating away at stability in families.

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Maybe ask the kid? i know that sounds rediculous but there always seems to be that point where if you deny him his father later on it causes issues but if his father is imposed on him it would be alot to process

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well me personally wud ignore and posibly block but thats just me<br />
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whereas i believe every child has the right to contact with both parents. the absent parent need to no they cant not bother for so many ears and expect to just be able to walk back in to the childs life!

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LOL, I would love to. But it probably wouldn't be in her best interest.

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Independently of the kid... do you want to reopen communication with your ex?

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Not in the least. I saw his FB page. He's umm, different. He reminds me of something between Lil Jon and the Ying Yang twins. If you don't know them, google them. You'd get an idea of where I'm coming from.

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omg :)
Well, if you don't want to reopen communication with your ex, and if your daughter already has a stepfather... well maybe you can wait that she grows up. In the meantime you can tell her about her biological father... but there's no hurry to make them meet, I guess.

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Good point. But I think she'll want to meet him. I still have no idea who my father was but I've always known it. I remember wanting to know who he was, not even sure I wanted to meet him. But I was denied. I had a stepfather who raised me since I was three. He was great as a dad until I turned 15 and he started seeing me as something more than a daughter. My mother still refuses to say anything useful about it. I didn't want my kid to go through that and for some reason, never thought she was able to deal with that information. Only recently, the last few months, have I started feeling that she would be ok with it. So maybe he is right on time. Working on the right thing to say to her. Hopefully, meeting him will be something she won't push immediately. If she does, I guess we'll have to see what we can make happen.

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Ignore it. you don't want him to show up and then walk out again that will only bring pain to ur child. when he turns 18 he can decide for himself whether to meet him or not.

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Every child has a fundamental human right to his own father. Depriving a child of his father is child abuse.

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No, Vixen, that old cowshit doesn't fly. The child has been denied access to his or her father because of the MOTHER's bad decisions and actions.

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Please explain to me. Should I have tied him up to a chair and forced him to stay here? He gave up his rights as a parent, legally. He made a 16 hour drive here to do that. He said he just wanted to visit. Never once did he show up. My fault in this, I didn't tell her about him sooner. I suppose I could have just randomly gone searching for the man. Did you think he forgot he had a child in all these years? Because I find THAT to be cowshit.

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Yes, blame the nearest man. It does sound like cowshit.

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Yep. Just sling more cowshit. That will work. Sorry about the unfortunate child who is being deprived of his human rights to his father.

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He does sound like a hot mess. Thanks for sharing. Now his comments and lack of anything to back them up make sense.

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I am so sorry for the child.

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Don't be sorry for my child. She is well loved and taken care of. I'm more concerned for any spawn you produce who will come into this world and raised full of hate.

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No, Vixen, I would not call her " a good mother" form the information provided. Her decisions resulted in depriving her child of the love and teaching of his father for his first 11 years, and now she's looking for support to keep driving him away and continuing the child's lack of his father. I call that bad parenting.
Your attack the man psychobabble is offensive too.

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No the only one that changed is you, after 9 years and everything in your life is settled now with another man in your lives? I would say move on with what you have now.

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My 18 year old son saw his "father" for the first time in 15 years- had no memoryof him (my husband raised him)-x came to my home office to p/u work- he's a process server- my son came home early. My son was better than fine- if you raise them with some sense of their origion and they see the life they have without him- there will be no shock. Your son will have a problem because you never told him about the "father" and his entire sense of self can be rocked. The father was a **** to begin with bugging out- but YOU had the responsibility to your son not to have allowed somehting like this to be a surprise- you were the only parent he could trust

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Do what you feel is right

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Ignore it. Pretty simple I think.

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block them...i had the same problem...

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How did it work out?

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she knew about him so slightly different...and yeah all ok...no trouble ...best thing to do i reckon

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Yeah, I think it's best to let her know about him and that nothing at home has changed. Point out that it's just another person who loves her. I'm not sure how I'm going to explain the part where he just left. That, in my opinion, might be the most painful part for her.

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my daughters father re appeared after 10years and expected her to be ok with that...she told him where to go...lol...he cant deal with it...but its his bed he can lie in it...so long as it comes from your child then they have to deal with it

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