It's a hard question to answer. I left a guy after 13 years together because I couldn't get the things I needed, and we had both changed, did want different things, had different moral values, social values, different financial values, sexual things and he was not very emotionally supportive. But I tried for years to negotiate, to understand, to be calm and understanding and to communicate. When it got right down to it, I was simply very unhappy in the relationship and I felt he was not trying at all. I finally let that "omg" moment hit me that we really were not right for each other and I had to leave. I did end it and surprise he decided to do a 180 and changed everything about himself to get me back, but I felt it was just so he would not be alone and I was emotionally exhausted from all of it and I actually was looking forward to being on my own and meeting new people. surprise surprise he got engaged to someone else literarally 2 months after we broke up :) I wasn't surprised. I on the other hand I have just stayed single and dated a lot, started my own business, reconnected with friends. I am happy, a million times happier than I was.
Women do this - but I have invested so much time and energy and there is that "fear" that it's the wrong decision. I totally totally totally understand. For me, it was a "lightbulb" moment of I simply cannot go through the emotional turmoil one more time of having to explain myself to him and have a 3 month debate over it and wait 3 years for one little thing to change. And then it was somewhat easier to leave. Maybe you just have not had that "lightbulb" moment yet.
There is a lot of guilt though, I felt horribly guilty despite everything I felt in wanting to leave, felt guilty for abandoning him. anyway, he survived and I survived.
Very hard decision to make I know. One thing you might want to try is councelling alone or with him. I do regret that we never did councelling earlier on as it might have helped but in the end I think if people want and expect different things, there is just no getting around it.
I'm in the same boat and I've been with my man for 13 years and I've read a lot of comments here.
The fact that it's come across your mind means it may be time to move on. When you put a lot into your relationship and the other person doesn't it's time to move on. When someone can't make you feel passion anymore it's time to move on. When you know you've given it your all and nothing changes it's time to move on. Some people want to change but they may not be capable of it.
Whether you're married or not give until you really feel you can't give anymore and move on.
Life is precious and you deserve to be treated with love and respect everyday!!
I gave my ex 3 chances to change before leaving. He couldn't stop talking to other girls in a way I found uncomfortable. So I had to leave. He promised to stop 3 times in a year and a half. Everyone thought I was too nice for staying as long as I did.
I don't suggest having him change into a different person, you have to love him for him.
Finances are important, but don't mold the type of person he is. He should learn how to change that, for you. And don't ask too much responsibility of him, maybe he's just got some more growing up to do. I don't care how old someone is, there's still growing to be had. Some people are really late bloomers (like REALLY late).
You've been with him 5 years already. Something has made you stick around. If it's the situation us girls always put ourselves in, where we find a man we like but sorta needs "saving" and we think we can change him - then it's time to leave. But if you really (really) believe that's not the case, then don't give it up yet. Just be a little harder on his lazy behind!
Girl when you figure out the answer please let me know, I'm in the exact same place. It's easy to say 'hey move on, don't waste more time' when you're not in that situation. How many times we've heard that relationships are not easy, that you have to try and work things out, tha you shouldn't give up, but when is enough? Nobody tells you that. I know it's hard to decide when to give up to someone you love, I mean if you still love him he can't be that bad, and if you leave him you're not entirely sure you're not quitting the right man just because you couldn't deal with the differences between you two. I know I'm not helping you at all, I just wanted you to know that I understand you.
When to move on? After the police have removed the body.
When the police show up.
When the old telephone doesn't ring.
If you are married- you don't give up. But I assume you are not.
The stuff you speak of though are things you will have to deal with in even the most perfect marriage relationship too though- another person's personality characteristics.
There are a couple of sides to it you could look at.
Have you told him how he makes you feel? Kindness and consideration in a relationship is a must in a relationship- but it is not always natural. A LOT of people think, 'I'm am just not the kind of person who
who takes care of his woman emotionally"- it is almost men like this are under some sort of spell- they don't believe they can change or don't want to- they expect the women to 'accept them as they are'.
But in truth even if they do not realize it, it is a matter of priority and choice. They have to choose to show they to care about another person. But they have to be shown to. Do you treat him the way you want him to treat you? If you are modeling it and you are getting a positive response back then he may fall into the vibe and treat you the same way back. You are not responsible for another person's behavior of course, but you are responsible for working on a relationship- and that is what this is about- exchange between you and him.
Have you ever discussed with him what marriage would look like? You CAN create your own reality. That is the beauty of marrying someone who is totally open to you and open to himself- you guys can create something totally knew together. This type of unconditional acceptance in marriage makes the best marriages.
One last thing about the affection point. Are you positive he doesn't take care of you emotionally, or is it just that he doesn't do it the way you want him to? This is an important point- because it could be that he does and you have grown up with a particular picture of what emtional caring is that blocks you from actually feeling the emotional connection you two could actually have. I know I went through this and ever since I dropped any expectations whatsoever from my husband and have been open to going crazy over the way he naturally treats me, everything has changed- it has been amazing. Nothing changed but everything changed (it has been like this for 5 years now). This is what happens when you treat someone unconditionally. So what you can do is go crazy over his 'normal way of being'- you said you love him- now show it by loving every thing about him. Take note of every moment you are with him and comment about how he reacts, the way his body moves- build HIM up for being the person he naturally is- and he will begin to see himself in a new way and he will see you in a new way- what will change and become more obvious is the emotional connection between the two of you.
Finally- the financial stuff. Responsibility in this area is absolutely critical- I can not stress this enough. Have you two considered taking a class together on this? I suggest this because it is so critical that you two are on the same page in this area.
In the end the choice is yours. If you decide to break it off, with distance you will be able to tell if it was actually love you are feeling, or just love towards him as a friend.
Also, you know all the factors in his personality- we don't. Only you can really make a decision. If he is irresponsible in the emotional and financial area (rather than just different than you and what you expect)- then you may want to ask yourself why you put up with mistreatment, and start treating yourself the way you want to be treated by others.
But whatever you decide, make sure YOU are taking care of yourself exactly in the way you want to, and make sure you are on solid ground in terms of your direction and your future, and then you will know how any given relationship fits into the picture of your life.
It's very difficult to know the answer to that question, but as far as I'm concerned, the fact that you are asking it should be a dead give-away that there's more than just some personality conflict, IMHO... It sounds to me as though you may be thinking about staying with him for the simple fact that it's been 5 years. I know that 5 years is a long time to be with someone, but if you've been with him to pass the time, well, that's not really a good reason. Can you and have you talked to him? If you answered no to either question, my advice would be to move on. If you answered yes to either question, then consider what his response is...How does he respond? If he's simply too immature for you, how much longer do you wish to wait, and truly, how much longer CAN you realistically wait for him to, in a nutshell, grow up? If you continue in this relationship, there's a good possibility, you could stay together and have children, and then will you be raising and husband and children? Are you prepared to do that? Unfortunately, sometimes love just isn't enough. And then again, sometimes it is. It really depends on what YOU want out of life and out of love! :) And THAT only YOU can decide!
You know to give up when: You refuse to fight for the relationship anymore. If you still love him, then keep it going. Don't let money dictate anything. If he is lacking in the emotional department, then talk to him (sincerely not half-***) about that aspect.
Tell him how strongly you feel if you haven't already,and lay it on the line. Set a deadline for changes and be prepared to stick to it. Everybody deserves a second chance,but it can't be for ever,or you risk repeating this query in the retirement home.
There is a thing called "sunk cost theory". You invested so much time,money,effort etc that you feel a little more investment,and it's bound to pay off. It's also called "the gambler's fallacy",which is why the casinos do very well,and most people leave Vegas with less than they took there. Sometimes we have to cut our losses. It's a cruel fact of life.
I hope things work out for the best.
I think five years is sufficient to assess his suitability as a long term partner. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, so I think you can probably find someone better.