Post
It took me years and years to get to the point of letting all the pain in my hart out. I had to aknowledge a lot of things, in order to do so. Many of those things we related in not wanting to face reality. I had to admit to myself that the damage that my mother did, was 100% endorsed by my father. And that hurt. And now? How do I deal with the desire of not wanting to be a part of that sick dance they do? And how do I transform all this pain and hanger into something good?
carciofina carciofina 31-35, F 4 Answers Jun 20 in Parenting & Family

Your Response

Cancel

I've been down that same path--it is hard and takes a brave heart. Not being a part of the old dance required me to recognize when old patterns and habits were kicking in and step back from them. This will upset your parents and their dysfunctions will go into overdrive to guilt you back into their dance. If you feel your self being pulled in, make excuses and leave or hang up. The more often you walk away from the old patters, the easier it is to recognize them and walk away.<br />
Something my wife did with her parents (similar situation) was to resist escalating a disagreement. When she found the discussion getting heated, she would become silent, let them end their lambast, say "I love you. I have to go," and hang up or walk away. It forces them to see their actions for what they are.<br />
Your pain and anger have already been transformed into something good by virtue of who you are. It is good that you didn't continue the dysfunctions. Your past gives you tremendous empathy for others who are in pain, making you a good friend and listener.<br />
You are right where you need to be at this moment. The only other advice I would give is for you to keep a daily gratitude list. Every night before you go to bed, write out ten things that you are grateful for. It is a remarkably valuable tool for fighting the pain and helplessness we feel when going through these kinds of situations.<br />
Good luck.

Best Answer

Thank you. I will try to do the list. It may keep my mind focused on positivity,

Best Answer

I understand. You might have to just realize you had toxic parents. You are not alone. Some people say if you are still alive, they were good enough parents, but think we survive in spite of them. The gift is in having a broader ability to comprehend reality, and help another through that same path. Makes sense of the suffering. When people say life is not fair, that is surely true, and not to minimize your suffering, but worse things have happened on Planet Insanity. My beliefs supersede the idea of a single lifetime which gives me the broadest viewpoint. Karma as a learning tool.

Best Answer

I do have the ability to comprehend what happened, that's for sure. I wish I had the ability not to feel this way.

Best Answer

Wishing is part of the problem -- distances us from accepting the unacceptable.

Best Answer

I have some resentment and negative feelings towards others right now. I know it's not healthy to think like that. I feel that sometimes life is very unfair, but I also feel that I have learned the most when life was most unfair to me. I don't want to live with resentment, bitter feelings, or pain. I have faced my own life, my faults versus others, where I can do better, where I've messed up. In cycles such as addiction or even abuse, someone has to be willing to take the upper hand and say enough is enough. Perhaps you need to be that person and refuse to succumb to what others are responsible for.

Best Answer

Yes. You are right, And I have been trying. And have not been successful yet. I have to keep pushing for it and get to that point.
I know that if I can get to the point of not being resentful, I will be in a better place, And I realize that being at this stage it's not healthy for my soul.

Best Answer

But likewise any change is not easy, so I understand. I still need work on my own feelings/issues. I'm here to support you in yours, though.

Best Answer

Thank you. Please know I am here for you as well in case you may need anything.

Best Answer

you're welcome, and thank you, I appreciate that very much.

Best Answer

I guess that is why they call therapy "hard work" and not a "vacation".

Best Answer

indeed; healing too is a lot of sweat and pain.

Best Answer

I think it is okay to feel every emotion whenever needed. We all have a shadow self. I am sure not seeking sainthood, just balance.

Best Answer

I agree with you on that. Balance is very important.

Best Answer
5 More Responses

Related Questions