I have left my husband and this is like the 4th time but i really want to be strong this time. How do i stay away. Ive recognised a pattern in my life of leaving an abuser and feeling so scared of going back that i run to another one as if i cant be on my own. I just want to be strong but i feel so guilty for leaving him even though i shouldnt. i feel like i abandonned him and dont want to go back but my emotions say differently.
EzyBreezyBeautiful EzyBreezyBeautiful 26-30, F 19 Answers Dec 9, 2009

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Yes talk to a service that specialises in domestic violence. As you realise, its happened more than once, and it wont change. He doesn't care about your feelings or safety, so why should u consider his!.. The best thing to do is leave and make a new life for yourself.

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turn the other direction and keep walking.... look for a shelter and talk to the people there, they are trained to help.

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I have been with a man for a little over four years and he's been physically abusive since the third month of our dating. I was in a vulnerable state when we met and he knew that. I found out I was pregnant with our son within the first three months of knowing him.

During the time that I was pregnant he hit me, did drugs, spit in my face, called me names and stole from me. The first time I tried to leave him it was out of obligation for a CPS case that had opened when I went to a shelter and told him where I was. They found out and called the police and they are mandated reporters for CPS so eventually I lost my son due to the abuse going on between his dad and I.

I have recently gotten my son back after a year of jumping through hoops and complying with whatever they asked me to do. He's been home since May 2013.

I am writing this because I have gone back to this man in spite of all the sh** I went through to get my child back and completion of DV groups, staying in Domestic Violence shelters, graduating from DV support groups and GUESS WHAT? I STILL went back to him. Domestic violence advocates and case workers can help people who really want help. But I never really wanted to leave my abuser until lately. And I am still struggling with finding my own way through life without him or another man just like him. He's in and out of jail which gives ample opportunity to leave him behind and not be found. But my problem is that I seek him out before he has a chance to forget me and his son. Now I am pregnant with our second child.

My point is that unless you are really ready to move on and work on yourself. And take time to get to know yourself and be your own best friend. This kind of man will never leave your life because you haven't changed your mind about wanting something better. You have to be sick of it all. You have to know that there is something wrong with YOU. And once you have stopped dating for a long time.... then will be the time to get out there agian as long as you are comfortable with yourself and confident in setting boundaries for yourself and others you let in your life. Know red flags and have enough respect for yourself to leave at any one sign that it's an unhealthy relationship.

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I printed out lists of the things he was doing to me.

This time, this new guy and I had only been together three months when his behavior changed drastically... Nothing physical, but enough to let me know it would come if I didn't get out. His behavior began to remind me so much of an ex who I almost didn't escape from, and I knew that I had to get out somehow. reading those lists daily, while I watch the obsessive stream of unanswered communications (read:stalking behavior) on his end has truly reinforced what I already thought. Each time I read the lists, I also reflect on what I know happens after these things, i.e. demeaning comments and crazy-making comes first, then punching walls, then me... Keeping in mind the patterns I've read about it, and my own personal history has helped remove his needs from my mind a lot by providing objectivity.

As for not finding another one, I wish I could help, but clearly, I have no clue. I think that once you've been there (and especially if you experienced it in childhood), those types become somehow easier to relate to than non-abusive people, which I believe is part of what draws them to us, us to them, and perhaps more importantly; draws us back after we've already escaped. Personally, I've been looking for therapy to address my patterns, but unfortunately, I can't seem to function well enough in society to even have health insurance, or any money.

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You're worth more than that!!! walk on and don't look back!... I do know it's not an easy thing to do, but you've already tried plenty of times and it didn't go on with your life and find happiness for yourself.*hugs* ; )

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look at your children and know that you have someone to be strong for ,if not for yourself

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I have a little bit of background info on you - I've read all your stories. Your husband, and is family, are terribly abusive. If you're away already - why go back? Nothing is going to change.

As for running into another abuser, it's not your fault. Some people say that some women - like you and myself - have a pattern of choosing abusive men. That's not true. The abusive men happen to choose us because of our personalities - caring, loving, understanding. They sure as hell wouldn't want a strong women who would tear their balls off if they tried abuse.

But listen, there are also nice guys out there who are NOT abusive and want sweet girls like us. We just have to be lucky enough to find them. That will happen to you one day. But it won't happen if you stay with your husband, because a respectful guy doesn't want a girl who is with her husband.

So think of yourself and your baby. Don't go back!

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Listen to your head and not your heart. Men like this are very clever at making you feel sorry for them. Get out before he injures or kills you. He'll never change and it isn't your job to heal him. Look after yourself. Big hugs.

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here is a simple way:

chain self to the radiatior.

now for a serious answer:

remebering all the abuse and bullshit

all the tears and the pain

never forgetting the low points and the reason you walked away.

If you remeber THAT untill the desire goes away and untill you find a good person who dont abuse you.

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I did that but like my Mother said to me constantly who was also abused...oneday you will find the strength and never look back...thank God i got that strength,i believe its all about when the time is right and building your strength up and trusting in God.

I hope you find your way very soon ;-)

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why in hell would anyone want to go back to an abuser. this I can't under stand.I will probibly take it on the chin my saying this but do women have some kind of underlinig reason to want to be beat. like in the cave man days where they would bonk them on the head and carry them off.w.t.h are you thinking. feeling sorry for someone like that?

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Give it time. Its clear that you recognise that you shouldnt go back to him, its only the initial feelings of a nomral break up that are making you think about going back. You know whats right for you deep down, you are just struggling with the initial feelings of change. Give it time, work through your feelings, have you ever ridden them out to see what happens if you don't go back? Ride them out... do it for YOURSLEF, no one else, just for yourself. You are more imporant that the person who treated you badly, and you are not responsible for their happiness, only your own. Please move forward and experience the other side of life.

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Seek guidance in a shelter for abuse, but just don't go back to him. Remember no one controls you, you control yourself. So if you go back to him and he continues to use you as a doormat, it's only because you let him.

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