I know how it affected me. I was over sensitive, terrified of making mistakes. I had no social skills and still have a hard time just talking to people in person or on the phone because I was never allowed to go to social functions/dances at school or go anywhere with friends. I had really no friends. Sometimes one for awhile but never managed to maintain a friendship for too long because I could never keep in contact with them, even if they just lived around the block. I was a paranoid, straight A student and ended up dropping out of school my senior year and running away from home. When I was finally talked into coming back months later, my parents didn't want to scare me off again and let me to anything I wanted after that which was too much freedom. Then I did EVERYTHING, including getting pregnant. Imagine all the things you try as a teenager but waiting until you are 17 and then trying them all within 4-5 months. It was overkill...I went from strict controlled environment for 17 years and then do whatever you want and wreckless. I went nuts and got myself into trouble. I swore to never be that way with my kids and so far they are doing okay. Both are in college now. Not perfect, but I think they are doing better than I was at that age.
how old are you now?
I am currently being strictly parented, and reading this made me realize that it's not just me. I just turned 17 this summer. I am a straight A student and Asian. (yes it's true that most Asian parents are strict) But not all. When I was a child, I rarely saw my parents because they were busy with their jobs. So my grandparents took over the parenting and took care of me and my siblings until I reached 8 yrs old. My parents wanted to live in US and decided to settle down there with me and my siblings, leaving all our relatives behind. I thought of my grandparents as my parents instead of my parents. My grandparents were the best. My 8 yrs living with them were the best memories. I was always smiling with joy with clear bright eyes. But I was scared of my parents. They were very strict and planted fear inside my brain. I always listened to them like a robot. When we got to US, my life turned upside down. I was the unhappiest kid in the world when I was 8-14 yrs. By the time I reached 15, I learned to adapt to my parents ways. I am now like a living robot that is always confined at home. I do whatever they say. I am not very good at choosing decisions for myself. I am not very confident with myself. When I find a sport I like, my parents dont support me and always find my faults. And I most of the time hide my sad emotions so no one would worry. I dont like to talk about my emotions a lot either. Talking back was also a crime to them. My parents hate it when I cry so I cry when they're not there most of the time. I just recently found out that if Im always smiling, they go easier on me. So most of the time I find myself fake smiling even in front of friends. I am not allowed to visit my friends or hangout with them. So right on the 1st day of school, it becomes awkward for me to talk to my friends. But I am now getting used to not contacting my friends. The only way I can find joy is through playing games and reading books. I hate being controlled but I cant help it. I want to escape but Im a coward. I want to rebel but Im afraid. This 17 year old girl is now a cowardly goody-two shoes with no life and real happiness. Also Im half robot I think. And these are the painful effects of being strictly parented.
That is the exact same way my parents are except it's with drama!
Wow! Reminds me of me! My nanny mainly took care of me til I was 10 then mum moved out and... Well its ur story. I have 2 step brothers who get whatever they want
I feel ya! Remember that you can only live your life. No one can live it for you... Its time to get a job that pays well, like serving in a restaraunt, work through school and be independent. Your parents have instilled fear in you to keep you where they want you. Do not allow it, because no matter how you live your life, they will most likely find fault with it, because nothing is ever good enough for catholic parents. You can't make everyone happy... So make yourself happy. And never feel guilty about it.
That is so sad and rough. Parenting is extremely challenging, most of the time you don't really know how to handle situations, environment etc.....there is no clear cut option.
I had an extremely domineering father and a kind gentle mother, so at least I had a reprieve when he was gone, which, unfortunately was hardly ever. I know it has hurt my confidence and self esteem which can present itself in unhealthy lifestyle choices, if, and this is a huge if, if you allow it.
I think it made me much more understanding and loving too. I would just know what he said at times made no sense to me so I just knew if I was ever put in charge of raising children I would never repeat his actions...and I was put in charge of my three sons and I relished in the fact that I wouldn't be the same......That doesn't mean there weren't rules and consequences, no way, but things can be taught and discipline taught in a nurturing way.
You are a young person and have many many years ahead of you, getting good grades and reading are very good hobbies to have, don't sweat that. Focus on getting a career and being yourself, you will ultimately find someone if that is your desire and you will be immensely happy because you will appreciate how lucky you are to have someone who loves you and respects you.
Don't hate your parents, they probably want the best for you and are just afraid of so much of the bad that is outside the walls of your home.....doesn't make it right at all, they're just a bit selfish and pessimistic.
so true...though I'm 2 years younger, the situation is same. I want to be happy, but thanks to my parents, I can't do anything that i want or how i want...its just frustrating!!!How do you handle all of this?!
That's what i've been expiriencing' I am 16 almost 17 and my mom is really strict. I am terrified of talking to new people and I don't have close friends. I have never hung out with a friend outside of school. I can't go anywhere by myself except to school. I can't wear any pants or skirts that go above my knees. She even didn't buy me school clothes because she didn't like what I picked out. I had to buy my own!! If you have advice pls tell me because i have resorted to rebellion and I don't want to do that!!!
Strict parents steal your confidence, they don't let you develop properly and find your inner self. They make it difficult for you to be an adult who knows what he or she wants you are so scared to have an opnion of your own. It affects your relationships with boyfriends and mates. As you are afraid to speak out for yourself, so you end up as a door mat. Speaking from experience the mind is fragile. Overbearing parents do such harm to their little ones. They need to be able to find the world on their own, they need to experience things and learn how to cope with sadness, happiness, sharing, and all the lessons you must learn when you are wee. Emtionally you can't develop into a strong well balanced person if your parents are shadowing your every more. It instills fear at times and there are enough things in life that are scary without having your parents stop you from becomming as wonderful as you can be by controlling your every move. The control mechanisim is done out of fear, and insecurity on their part. It is sad to think that they are so confused this way, but unfortunatley it has life long effects if they are not taught to be better parents. We can learn that is the good part. If the parents recognise what they are doing early on they can learn to do better, and their wonderful little bundle of happines, will blossom!!
yeah. and now i still fear driving car because of super strict parent that control my every move. i can't even use chat program like hamachi. i was restricted so much that i was " You are true Altair. Nothing is true, everything is permitted "
all good points. Unfortunately though. Most parents think they are holy angels and do nothing wrong, and treat kids like fools because it says so in the bible. And then they go around complaining for lack of respect from their kids. I wonder has anyone ever explained to them, that respect, and love are two way streets? and their tantrums? have they ever received any constructive criticism?
being too strict definitely f's up your kids. It makes them rebel and then it also stagnates them from making the real decisions they need to make when they are free of their parents because they always doubt themselves. To this day i am always looking for acceptance and always second guessing myself because my parents were alwasy so on top of me. Its like you dont want them on top of you to begin with but then when they arent anymore you dont even know what to do with your self, you dont even trust your own judgement becuase they always told you you were wrong.
@goldie25.....................that is so true and i hate that I want my independance but yet I still need the guidance
The first step is to find a job for you. Then make friends with people that have achieved what you desire. This will at least make things a bit easier for you.
I love my parents and im happy they worry about me :) but having strict parents affected me more than i realized. Growing up as a kid i remember staying home for weeks unending. I was alone and isolated every day. i missed out on alot of things.I didn't really have any friends and I was super shy. I couldn't go anywhere and it was just killing me inside.when i got a little older i had a hard time talking to people or making friends.i found my self socially awkward and boring. I had depression as a teenager. And i felt that noone could help me. After school ended i meet more people and got to go to so many more places. Around that time was when i blossomed (: But still even now i find myself feeling alone. I promised when i had kids i would never trap them in the house like caged animals..ever!)"
I feel you on that one........the same thing is what is going on with me
really?how does it feel?
I feel so caged up in life currently, that I don't feel like asking for someone's help when I am most vulnerable. I feel as if no one understands me at all... especially my mum and her partner....
My parents were like this. I was never allowed to do anything, except go to school. My parents were not very affectionate as well. I became distant from the family and dreamt of the day I would get away. When I finally did, I got into a messy relationship. All I wanted was to be accepted and I put up with alot of s**** from him because of this. The result is that I have made mistake after mistake, trying to do the right thing, because I have always looked for the love that I never received as a child. I now live on my own and have resigned myself to the fact that this is probably the best thing as it seems I am better off that way. Authority scares me so much and doing the right thing is drilled into my brain so much that I go overboard. So yes strict and overbearing parents affect a child in a negative way.
It can affect a child's self esteem, confidence, stability, decision making, social skills, growth-- in other words: Their whole life. (Then, now, and later...) It's taken me almost 30 years to recognize and understand just how deeply impacted my life is (and has been affected) by overbearing and narcissistic parents who have never dealt with their own issues. I don't wish this on anyone. It's horrible...
I am 20 years old, and most parents tell me they "wish" their children were like me. I graduated from high school with two scholarships, and two or three awards, especially one for community service. I have 3000 volunteer hours, my goals are things like making a positive difference in the world, i'm super active. studying full time, working one job and occationally get other temporary jobs, always volunteering at atleast two different organizations including whatevery school or institute i study at. I have a pet at home and I take full care of it. financially and spending quality time with it every single day. Everyone EXCEPT my family things I'm hard working, organized, determined, smart, always ready to face anything, very mature, respectful of others, etc. <br />
My family on the other hand thinks i'm lazy, irresponsible, careless, unorganized, an absolute idiot, cannot be trusted with anything important, etc. My parents are extremely bossy and and dont like anything i do. They especially dont like me volunteering, having social life, having my own opinions and beliefs. I enjoy things I do but I tend to feel compelled to rebel. I seriously am very rebellious. because I want to achieve great things in life and i dont want to spend my 80's crying over things i didnt achieve or cursing my parents for all the things they didnt let me do. Sometimes it's way too much. They feel that they are always right and just because I'm younger I have to be wrong. They constantly make every effort to prove to me and to themselves that I'm stupid so they don't feel inferior. They force me to follow the same culture and live the same life that they did as a child. My dad moved out to finish his PhD in a different country but wouldnt let me move out anywhere for any reason because I'm a girl, because I'm young, because I'm "stupid," because i need their "protection." They made it perfectly clear that the only time I move out is when I get married. I have no intentions of getting married. In fact it's gotten to a point that I'm developing a fear of marriages cuz I dont want to lose my independence. They criticize me on everything I do and say no to everything i mension that I want to do just to feel they are still in power.<br />
My dad would tell me to exercise but I never had time or didnt feel like it. I have recently found the sport of my interest. It has completely inspired me and just for that one more sport I have started going to the gym, I have started going for runs, I have joined a fitness class, and occasionally do other dropin fitness classes. This sport has motivated me to challenge myself even more. not just in physical fitness but also in my acedemics and other aspects of life. when my dad saw my commitment to this, he said, you're not allowed to do this sport anymore and that's it. I hated doing this but I said, "i didn't ask for your opinion" and walked away. I am too scared to move out by taking legal action. What should I do? It
regarding getting married. Go find a gay guy that wants cover up. Marry him, that way you get to get rid of your parents cruelty, and the guy gets his cover up as well. Win-win. Then go to college to study and do what you want. Once you are half way college, you can ask for a divorce and move maybe to another town. I don't like this solution, nor do I encourage it. But then again, sometimes it's the only street to happiness and indipendence.
That's a bad family. Don't listen to your family. Just be yourself.
My dad bullied me constantly. He tried to control my every second. I was forced to play all sports, mow grass for all the neighbors, shovel snow in the winter, have a paper route, go to work at age 15, was also in the school band. I was exhausted. Plus when I got a free moment, he told me I was lazy!!<br />
He criticized my hair, my clothes, my music, my friends and everything I had. My mom locked me out of the house when I was 18 or 19 because she didn't like my girlfriend and I was pretty much on my own since then.<br />
I still am often depressed. A little paranoid. I have done well for myself financially through working hard, but my wife spends it faster than I can earn it. I spent years trying to please her, with nothing but coldness in return. <br />
At 43 I still feel like there is someone over my shoulder criticizing me.<br />
I feel like I have missed out on so much in life.
I can totally relate, as my parents were strict on me where I literally had "classroom" friends only-otherwords, once school was over, I went back to just being alone, riding a school bus up until I graduated high school and college-oh it wasnt an option so I was told to go to work but they had to teach an 18 year old how to drive first!! I had no boyfriends, no regular friends-just my wandering mind in some make believe world. here I am in my 40's, just now going to college but it is never too late. I had bad marriages due to being a doormat because I succombed to control of spouses just like that of my parents.
I totally know what you mean. My father and mother wanted me to go to school and thats about it. They wanted everything their own way. I was never good enough for anything I did. I had no confidence and had problems everywhere I went. I could never do the jobs i wanted. It alwayds had to be using my education. Anyway I married a woman who had a good job , unfortunately I never had a good job that paid well. i minded the kids when she worked. Now the kids are older I can go back to scraping up money to help pay all the debt we are in. I wish I was 18 again I could make the changes to my life that i cannot do now. The first thing I would do is tell my parents to f*** off and then I would develop my own like the way I would see fit. I will have to pick up the pieces and live out whats left. I wont let my son suffer the way I did if i can help it!
g8rgirl is right, it is never too late rebean.
tell your parents to f*** off? I don't blame you. But that would probably gets you a whipping. That's what most parents do when they hear the truth.
wooow....exactly my feeling....but I planned to change...since we were brought up strictly we dont like being controlled but still want to please everyone...so we try to give in thinking that they will love us more if we do so...in this case your wife. But, what happens is you will be exploited.
Say 'NO' to whatever is a no according to your conscience and stick with it...dont shout it...try practicing to reply calmly....
Dont think your wife is supportive n lovely n helpful...think that u are n individual with individuality. Call your parents once in a while and dont ever do the things u are sure to regret...
Leave your wife mate!!
I think as soon as the child is old enough to be independent of their parents, they would rebel, drinking, taking drugs and generally getting up to no good.<br />
As Newton said, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
I am almost 17 years old and I always blamed myself for being super sensitive, shy, awkward, and having little social skills. Now, I realize their parenting has made me like this and I feel so deprived. On top of growing up in East Oakland for most of my life, I attended a charter middle school which further added to my stress. I spent most of my time cooped indoors . I was never a mischievous child because I was always told to sit and behave at all times, especially while we had company. I get that they don't want me to be hurt, but all those years of strictness has hurt me psychologically and I can't wait until I am 18 and free. Because I have come to fear not pleasing them, I am terrified to ask them to go out (they started giving me limited freedom at 14) and I wish I had laid back (but stern enough) parents P.S. I have an embarrassing name so that further adds to my unhappiness
i'm a 17yr old high school senior. I live with both my mom & dad. They are strict. We are an ethiopian family. And ethiopians are known for being overbearing. I basically have no friends at school because I would never be allowed to hang out with them. My senior year expericene has been ruined. I'm going to graduate in about 3 months and I turn 18 two months after that. I love my mom. She isn't the problem, it's my dad. My mom does EVERYTHING for me, but my father has everybody in this house under his control. And my biggest fear is that i'm going to leave for college and never come back, I can't cause that kind of pain on my mom. But I just don't know what else to do. If there are any strict parents reading this. Please. Please i'm begging you don't do that to your kid. You are doing nothing be isolating them, and they will HATE you for that.
i also experienced that thing and it was very disgusting having them.
Advice for parents: don't force kids to do anything. Give pocket money & rewards for good grades. $5 per week is ideal.
I know exactly how you feel! I was living with my grandparents and my grandpa drove me mad. My grandma knew that he was overbearing ,and she could tell that I was getting more fed up. I started resenting my gpa and I wanted to move out but I stayed for my gma. I told my gma how I felt and she started supported and even urging me to move out. My gpa would guilt trip me and didn't support me, but my gma supported me and told him I wanted to leave because of him. I currently moved out a few months ago for college and don't plan on being back for awhile lol. Good luck!!
From my experiences as a child and teenager, most of my friends with the strict parents were the ones that were into all the bad things (underage drinking, drugs, getting girls pregnant, the girls themselves getting preggers, stealing from stores, vandalism....etc...). Especially the kids with fundamentalist parents. Oh hammering them in the head with the Holy Bible really taught them how to behave (snicker).<br />
The more you restrict as a parent, the more the kid wants to rebel. I know this, as I got to experience this type of parenting first hand in the southern school system, and let me tell you, I was like Jeykl and Hyde between the two. I would have referrals, detentions, low grades, in class fights, out of class fights, skip school, and defy my teachers.....then I'd go home, and whole-heartedly get along fine with my family when it came to everything else....and why, because those teachers, or really, the fat idiot bureaucrats above them felt the need for a 3" thick rulebook enforced by trained wannabe Hitlers.<br />
And it is through this that good parenting does not come from being an overbearing and strict idiot who intends to shelter their child from life, but rather someone who is willing to INFORM them on what is out there so they can make good decisions...and even then, good decision is in the eye of the beholder, for the most part at least.
if you don't allow kids to have some freedom, room to breathe, it can be a disaster. a friend i went to high school had parents like this. she wasn't allowed to date or really socialize with anyone outside of school. all she did was school and babysit her nieces and nephews. long story short, she ended up getting involved with her sisters bf and getting pregnant, but had an abortion. i have to wonder if her parents had given her some freedom and allowed her to socialize with the opposite sex, she wouldn't have jumped for the first guy who showed her some attention.
i am 14 and i feel like my parents are smothering me and I'm afraid to do anything. I really do like this guy named marco and he likes me but they wont let me date him
The children become overbearing strict parents, it's a perpetual cycle, unless you take note of your parents behaviour, how it affected you and try not to repeat their mistakes - get help if necessary !<br />
You have to try and reach a balance of discipline and fun :-)
I have had a strict up bringing, partly from my own parents and partly from my grandparents. I think I was very timid and shy and I believe it was one of the factors which contributed to me being bullied. Another effect was that nothing I ever did seemed to be enough and I was always striving to be better, a good thing in some ways, I am quite academic and didn't get into trouble at school because I was too scared of what my folks would think. But it has also meant that I felt bad about myself, with a lack of confidence and that I was never good enough.
Teenage angst and rebellion is a classic theme of youth every where. When a young person is coming of age, they want to assert themselves and they want to have control of their own lives. As a parent, I personally am proud when I see this in my child, it shows me that he is ready to stand up to the world outside and that he is not afraid. Attempting to be overbearing/strict in an attempt to force your values and morals onto another human is pure folley in my opinion. All it is going to do is give your child clear directions on what to do next time they are angry at you and want to either, exact some sort of revenge, or manipulate your emotions/behaviors.<br />
I'm not saying that you should not share your thoughts and values with you children. Clearly, you should. But, I think that attempting to control children through intimidation and fear will only back-fire in the end. That sort of thing might work with a small child, but once they reach a certain age, it will only give them the ammo they need to fight for their freedom.
Ever since I was born my parents have been strict on me. I have never experienced a real childhood. I am 17, in my first year of university and still treated like a child. Im not allowed to have sleepovers with friends nor am i allowed to go to any parties. My curfew is 10PM and my parents are upset that I spend some of my time with my boyfriend everyday. They think I should spend my days at home studying. I do study but I also see my boyfriend . I make time for him but they do not understand. Im the only child and growing up has been very lonely. I have ADHD and depression. My parents make me depressed. I wish they could let me grow up and learn my own lessons rather then holding my hand every step of the way . I am very rebellious from their parenting styles.
Story of my life. I have only told my best friends. I am going to be 20 and I feel like I have a mentality of a 10 years old. My parents are strict but they have gotten worse with me. Since I started rebelling that I will not do medicine and do something I love since its my life. Being the oldest, I had the most pressure. But I am not the academic one, I love languages and technology and designing. Not learning from a book and getting A*s. My mum has been abusing me for 6 years now and I am so depressed. There are help outside and my welfare advisor even got me places to go to. But I can't leave my siblings behind, they are the reason I am not doing anything. My parents are very old fashioned. I am scared they are going to ruin my siblings studies and act crazy when I ran away. I really don't know what to do, if I should ran away and find my happiness or stay and suffer for my siblings. I have no social life, my mum tried to make get into a forced arranged marriage. That shows she does not love me at all, she even admitted that she only cares what other people think. She mad that I am not going to be a doctor and how other people are boasting how their children are super smart and how much of a disappointment I am. Seriously if any of you are going through this, you need to step up. You don't know how much this is going to damage you, sure you might think you are disappointing your parents but once you become successful they will come around. Being quiet you are damaging your mental health and your social skills. I am finding it so difficult to even go to a shop! I really hope you find help if your parents are going to the extreme like my mum is.
ALERT!!!! Forced arranged marriage is forced marriage and they are from the UN as a human rights violation. Please seek help immediately.
Thanks, I have sorted forced arrange d marriage issue out, I just have the other things to sort out :(
I experienced this in a different way. The guy who wanted to date me, his parents were really strict on me and him. They won't let him date until he leaves high-school!!! His mum started to be really hard on me, (I have done nothing to her). From this, she drained all the confidence I ever had in myself. I became depressed, I developed an eating disorder, I would cry regularly all the time, (I am not known to cry), I had many sleepless nights. I never wanted to go out anywhere, I never felt happy. To this day, I feel like this guy is the one for me, his mum is still strict, everyday I find it harder and harder. I only see him 2 times in a week or sometimes once. For only about 2-3 hours at a time. A little message to you strict parents out there: You may think you are doing a good thing, but when you start to affect others and become hypocritical you screw up a lot of other people's lives. Let your kids experience their lives for goodness sake! You can't hold their hand forever, you are gonna die one day...I'm not the same anymore because of you. Thanks
Wow never thought I would say this but it really really messed me as a person. I am 45 and struggling with my feeling of who I am. I was always a rant in the group of four children. I was never allowed any freedom of speech or action. I wasn't allowed to have friends, or go to any school friends houses. I never had the love or affection my brothers and older sister received. Overbearing and strict parents creates people like me who don't have any confidence.