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moondancelady moondancelady 46-50, F 55 Answers Nov 4, 2011

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Usually the submissive female, upon sensing the Dominant male will leave a few clues, such as the way she conducts herself...quiet, somewhat repressed, following his lead, waiting for him to decide...what to do, where to go, what to do....she will never interrupt him, she dresses conservatively, generally..and wants no attention drawn to herself. The Dom of course, may subtlety question her her, testing her all the while..trying to get her to make a decision..which she will pass to him..."you decide"..he may tease..and offer a spanking..and in return get a "promises, promises"....he will notice that her glance is usually down..unless interested..wanting him..his protection, her desire to be "taken in hand"...she wants his trust...his devotion..his protection...and most of all the excitement of the relationship where she can give herself fully...where she can do away with the societal mores..and release her inner vixen..her inner ****...and just be his woman...to be taken..where he decides, when he decides, and how he decides...as the relationship grows. And i differ with Eligible Owner in his response, that Munches are "scene" events, lol! Munches are just what they sound like, a meal..where people of like minds gather and talk....and since they are held in public restaurants, with straight vanilla people also dining...i believe it might be dificult, and ultimately embarassing to roll out a St. Andrews Cross, at the local Chinese Buffet, to conduct a "scene" and whip some butt!! i don't think that would go over too well!!<br />
there are many attractions to the lifestyle..all different for each. you must first ask yourself why you think you are attracted..do you wish to be held? kept prisoner? tied..raped, used? maybe you wish to be owned? and if you are saddled with resposibility, you may wish to be released from it all...give it to your master...and then give yourself to him...in turn..!!

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The first step in finding a submissive female is to determine if you truly are a dominant male to begin with. Many men, young and old, assume they have what it takes to manage and lead a woman, but find out (or worse yet, never realize) that they have been played and duped by clever, subversive females only good at posturing in such a vein. <br />
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If you are keen to the ways females manipulate men and seduce them from their own self-sovereignty, if you are in control of your own libidinous desires and are not easily swayed by the common tactics of XX chromosome sycophants, then you're ready to "see" submissive women for what they are, not simply what women appear to be on the surface. <br />
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With that in mind, submissive women can appear as anything on the surface. The simple fact of the matter is submission is often contextual to the personality of another. Beyond this, a humble, quiet, and deferring nature, gleaned over a long period of time (not simply a snapshot happenstance), is a fairly good indicator of submissiveness. As for finding them, they are everywhere, really. Internet networks, colleges, your local church, dating sites, etc., are all sources in finding women with the "bug," so to speak. It's the *actualized* female in her own submission you may wish to find, and if so, I'd highly suggest sites like Fetlife.com or (our site) HumbledFemales.net<br />
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I wish you luck in your endeavors.

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I definitely agree with the statement that being submissive depends on the right person. It is not possible with everyone.

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Humbled females almost sounds scholarly on this. I thought I wanted this, Dom/sub relationship, but after talking to, questioning and listening to several of each here on EP, I can't in good conscience attempt it. The emotional dependence, really of both parties, would overwhelm me. It might be a nice weekend fantasy role play, but not a lifestyle. Whatever a sub is, that's not my wife. Whatever a Dom is, that's not me. Wait, I didn't think of reversing those rolls, mmmm?

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@johnlava
Emotional dependence is not something the dominant male must find himself inevitably held under in such relationships by matter of fact. In fact, it's quite the opposite: the actualized dominant male does NOT dilute his self-sovereignty. He does NOT allow his feelings to make him weak and dependent. You simply can't be dominant—authentically in control—if this is so, and if it's so, that's when the nice weekend fantasy extends itself across the entire lifestyle. It becomes a bit of a private game that both parties tacitly acknowledge and often which the female party, in particular, will grow to have a certain contempt for it (if she values and desires real dominance, that is).

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I agree with this...I am a sub and found my Dom on www.fetlife.com

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this something I now know I need in my life and must find in my next relationship, the sub-female. the question is where can I best increase the chances of meeting her.

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I am a submissive female and I totally agree that submission is entirely dependent on the personality of the other. In daily non-sexual life I am not submissive to anyone, but when I am sexually attracted to a Dominant male, then I become immediately and extremely submissive. I'm talking about what we could call "natural Doms" or rather, repressed Doms, men who are Doms but who don't know it in a sexual way. The actualized Doms I have met I have nevr been attracted to.<br />
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My problem is that I have been wishing to meet a Dom I am attracted to for so long that I now fear it will never happen. I do regularly see men in the street, for instance, who I am very attracted to, but if and when I ever get to know them, they never turn out to be Dominant. The only Doms I have ever met online and in real life, I'm afraid I have just not found attractive. I don't know why this is, but it is extremely discouraging. I think any Dom who is the least bit successful and/or attractive is just snatched right up by one of the thousands of single subs out there. It makes me feel very disheartened and forlorn. <br />
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I have given up on internet sites such as Fetlife. I just NEVER meet anyone I am intellectually or physically attracted to on them - not even a little bit. It saddens me so much. I can't just be submissive to anyone who happens to be dominant. I have to be sexually attracted to him too! Some Doms I have not been attracted to have told me "Oh you are too picky." But it's not a matter of being too picky. If you are not attracted to someone, then you just aren't! and that's it.<br />
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This has led me to wracking my brains about how on earth I could somehow communicate with the men I see in real life who I am at least attracted to, to find out whether or not they are Doms. Does anyone have any ideas what a sub could do to communicate without totally humiliating herself in front of a vanilla? It may be impossible. But it would be nice for us, wouldn't it? Perhaps we would not even need the internet if we just had some way of communicating the question to a stranger. <br />
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Recently I did experiment with this. I saw a moderator at a talk who I thought might be Dominant, and I could tell that he was attracted to me physically from the way he looked at me before and after the talk. I sent him an email asking him straight out whether he was sexually Dominant and if so did he want a slave. He wrote me back saying he did remember me from the talk, but that he was not dominant and if anything submissive. :P So much for my experiment. <br />
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Sometimes I look at pictures of my gay male friends on Flickr and think that I should have been a gay male - D/s is so much more normal and accepted in the gay male community, and it seems everything would be so much easier. I don't have much hope of ever being able to live my true sexuality in this life. I am not getting any younger, and it just seems too impossible. <br />
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Anyway, perhaps this post has been useful to some Doms who

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Hugs. It is difficult and I wish you the best. Be positive, you will meet him some day. But they do say you will not find love looking...it will happen in its own time. Frustrating? Yes, but true. There are clubs if you can afford them, but too many wannabes out there..online and in life.

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I could be wrong - it's hard to know everything from a few paragraphs... but it seems like you have a lot of ideas about how you wish to be acted upon, but very few about how you yourself should act. I apologize in advance if this comes across as overly harsh, but what have you done to submit? What do you bring to the table that is worthy of domination? What about you would satisfy a "natural dominant"?
These aren't questions I need answered, but questions to which you should know the answer.
People seem to forget that there is more to submission than being present and non-objecting. Again, I hope you will forgive a brash analogy.
As a teenager, I had a dishtowel under my bed that I could use anytime I needed, for any purpose I chose; Whenever I wanted, and only when I wanted - sometimes several times a day. No matter how available, and no matter how 'not-unwilling' that towel was, it could not be said to have submitted to me.
As an inanimate object, to be acted upon, it could not possibly submit. Even if it had a will to relinquish, that is not quite enough.
There is a world of difference between the relinquishment of will to another, and actively choosing to submit to another. To retain your will, and choose without hesitation to offer your submission is a far more compelling thing than being present and silently amenable to the concept.
Your requirements are very specific. You are looking for someone who is innately dominant, but who is not yet aware of this. These requirements require something of you, as well. You have to understand the needs of someone who has been programmed by society their entire life, that male sexual and behavioral dominance is an unwanted relic of the past.
However, when you choose to actively submit to a person - you will quickly discover who is or is not capable of being the dominant you need. At first, it may mean that you are topping from the bottom a bit as you establish the boundaries for what will (by your own definition) be a completely new experience for your partner.
It will be much easier to find the kind of person you are looking for, once you learn how to communicate your submission more effectively.

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Ha-ha. That was a good explanation, but also funny!

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One of the more intelligent and knowledgeable responceS I have read in a long time.

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Interesting commentary. Quite true though.

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Well there's a lot to say and I only have a certain character limit here. I am not a lazy sub who sits around waiting for someone to use me like a dishtowel -- if I were, I would not have to wait at all. I am also not a dumb person who "doesn't know how to communicate my submission effectively" LOL. I think you made a lot of assumptions about me, from just a hastily written lament on a thread, but there it is now, so I feel the need to respond, for posterity if nothing else. Who knows, perhaps my future Dom will be reading this. I can't allow inaccuracies !
The problem is not that I do not know how to act with a Dom, but, as I said, that I am just not *attracted* to anyone I am meeting online. I actually think it's kind of lame for a person who is *not* a sub's Dom to judge her submission from afar, or by how she acts with others than her Dom. I am only submissive to my Dom, so you aren't going to see that side of me here.
So many Doms seem to think that it should be enough that they are Doms and I'm a sub. But considering that I am looking for an eventual 24/7 relation, in order for that to have a chance of working realistically, we need to share a lot more in common than just D/s, and we have to share a strong physical attraction. I am certainly not an "inanimate object," "preset" to submit to whoever comes along who happens to be a Dom - I find such a suggestion repugnant. My submission is certainly conscious, thoughtful, personal, active and intricate. I honestly don't quite know where you got all of that. but I don't believe it was from what I had written.
The problem with your idea about "training" a natural dom to be my Dom, is that they don't know the first thing about being a Dom and they don't appreciate what I am on a deep level. And I need someone who needs this as much as I do, not someone just out for a novelty. However, if it's the case of a man "coming out" so to speak as a Dom, then fine, I am happy to assist him in the process of becoming my Dom. As long as we share a strong attraction, both physically and intellectually. It *must* be so! Otherwise, it just doesn't work. I shouldn't have to explain that. (But this is certainly not a "requirement" of mine, I just don't know where you got all of that. I am open to meeting ANY and ALL real Doms, lol, as long as there is attraction.)
It's like being gay back when it was impossible to be out, it's just hard.

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Ultimately being submissive to someone is when you are at first attracted to someone. From there you can then be truly submissive to them.

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I am like that. To be a 24/7 total energy exchange would seem wrong (for me). It goes against my sub-culture (Hillbilly) which is somewhat matriarchal, my inclination,and against my faith. To me, 24/7 servitude would be idolatry.

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I would seriously like to find a nice sub f and possibly a masochist sub f i'm in worcester, MA USA hi

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i tried to "heart" you, but the curser wouldn't click. I agree with what you said about gay men! I don't have very much first hand experience, but my one gay cousin is the ONLY person in my "real life" that knows I am a sexual submissive.

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hey

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I loved the post. I am recent to all this. Someone much younger than me did some sharing over wine and more discussions followed. She was very unhappy in her current marriage, and I was in a sexless one myself. I have always been someone with a very high sex meter if you will, and our emails found ourselves wanting to spend some secret time together. Before it happened however I discovered a few things. She wanted to be submissive first, which for me was a surprise and wow a pleasant one. Then she shared more as our facebook and emails increased. She wanted to be spanked, again I was surprised, and also surprised by my feelings.

I had always "fantasied" having a submissive woman, but never trusted anyone to try it outside my marriage. As this girl was a professional, with a family and had as much to loose as me, I felt it was safe to proceed.

Our emails started to get hot, writing "passion" emails making up different scenes of sex. She went on to say she wanted to try sex in her ***, and really could not wait to be together. She wanted to be tied up and taken advantage of.

Not having done any of this before, She found a way to be in my area in 4 months. So we had 4 months to prepare for this. I am 25 years older than she is, but it did not seem to matter.

What I liked about your letter was it sounded like her. She was very lonely, boring sex and not very often, and "wanted" a Dom very bad, but felt like it would never happen.

Well we met finally at an hotel with two "days" to experience it. I came with "ties" to tie her up and a few other things to make it all more fun, and she showed up with a blindfold, sexy clothes, and a very passionate desire to do whatever I wanted.

We had to be careful as the family knows her, and her family knows me. Because of our age difference it really on the outside did not make sense. I am very active and am in pretty good shape so that part of it was not an issue.

Well we had a wonderful time, the sex, the spankings, tying her to the bed, forcing myself on her, demanding oral sex, (really you know there was no demanding, she wanted to do it). As her rewards for being so passionate I also "allowed her" on top once for almost an hour, while the sun came up.

Now she has went back home, it will be months before we can be together again, but it will be worth it. She now says she will do "anything" I ask, as long as its safe.

She has asked if I want another submissive with us, as she is willing to do it, and willing to perform for her also.

Now, it took me 30 years to find her, how in the world do I find someone else to add to this?

I am in the same position as you, I have no idea, so created an email address to allow me to respond and begin my search for the second submissive lady, because somehow I passed.

I can tell you this, my submissive, is soft, passionate, very sexy, more lovely naked than with clothes (which surprised me), and I had challenges with all this. I so loved touching her, kissing her, making love to her, that it got in the way with the spankings, the tying up, the blindfolds, the pulling of her hair as she serviced me, but I did manage, and she wants me even more now than ever.

Today she said, D (me) I will do ANYTHING you ask.

Got to love that.

So reply back if any of this makes sense, and you are an educated, not too old, (my submissive is in her late 30's) female, looking for an educated healthy male that loves the DOM roll right now.

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That is a beautiful story & it turned me on. I don't mean I want to your "third"; I can't see myself that way at this time. But I am so glad that the experience worked out well for both of you. Oh, and also, I'm not in the age range of your sub, so you wouldn't be interestes even if I were ready, but I hope to hear more from you.

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I read your posting and I totally agree with your dilemma. I am a dominant man and finding a submissive female in everyday life is a real challenge.

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Good morning, I enjoyed reading what you wrote, very much.

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12 More Responses

hello. I am normally a dominant person in every sense. I have 2 admit that when my Dom told me that I was perfect 2 be his submissive I thought he was full of crap. but I have come 2 realize all I want is 2 make him happy. and completely give myself 2 his wants, needs. it. is mind blowing and intense and I am his submissive. however, away from him I'm dominant again. is it possible 2. walk this fine line and be happy?

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THIS ........is exactly what I was illastrating! &amp; YES you can be encreadably happy and fufilled in THIS relationship... If you are honest with your self as to who and what you are!

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Thank u 4 answering. It seemed like every note/story I read says 1 thing...that the submissive is her 1 personality trait. I was more unsure of myself

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some people are not really "submissive" personality types, but have been bullied into "submitting" to abuse. A sexual submissive isn't a mindless sponge. A sponge, maybe. ;= D

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I LOVE to grab an ALPHA ***** by the hair and slam her face in a pillow.......... Then while holding her firmly by the hair....... Gently kissing her neck &amp;......... Well read my story "fetish"

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O I certainly will!

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In general most women are submissive in their own way. We find ourselves as the ones who follow his every thoughts and being of life. I didn't know I was that way until I found a Dom and he proved me wrong. I didn't realize that I was waiting for his response, waiting for his questions, allowing him to use me at his will and never really looking at him until he asked me too. He knew I was when he looked at me and I found myself looking down from his eyes from the first and very first glance and eye contact. When he touched me on my shoulder, I didn't move until he gave me a gentle push. He didn't rush me into anything but it became easy. He was in control and took it with such demand that I was truly happy to give it to him. He said that at first glance he knew I would be His and that I would be His submissive. <br />
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There are Dom men out there but the real ones are truly hard to find. I find that it's not a lifestyle but a true to just plain life. It's something that you don't have to figure out it's just done. Nothing is asked, it's a demand from the beginning of your first conversation with him. A submissive woman can tell when he first speak because you will never dominate the conversation with a true Dom.

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I sincerely disagree with you, Privatesubmissive. I don't think most women are submissive. If 'twere so, wouldn't more people know it? I think most people aren't either one, but just some people.

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Some women are submissive in there own way. It's the way we gear up towards a Dom when he is around. Everyone can't show this side of them because it takes the right Dom to show her what she is. As I said I had no clue until her sat me down and asked if I realized that I couldn't look at him until her said "Lift your head and look directly at me" beside even if we are, there is no sub without her Dom

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I think a bell shaped curve is in order here.

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A true Dom male can spot them in a lineup with one glance. They have it in in their blood.

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So I have heard. I tried a relationship once with a man I thought was a "Dom". But he seemed to think I was a mind reader. Partly my problem, I guess.

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ha that's cute but i like it...j in MA dom

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Well.I met my man here believe it or not And we talked and messaged for a while then skyped ,and in the course of conversation,we got to know each others wants and needs , we found that we fit like hand in glove..And fell in love .We now live together and it is heaven..

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I love happy endings. Amazing with as many people there are in the world, how few meet that special someone. Hugs to you:)

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Thank you dear ,

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I like happy endings, too! Happy you're happy!

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I'm 25, a man from Canada.<br />
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The matter of being dominant has a ton of irreverent assumptions. <br />
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The most commen being height and age. I have never had the alpha aura. I was the class clown in highschool, work ext... <br />
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I learned from experiance with girls that I am a dominant male as a person truly. <br />
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From lightly grasping tender necks to fastening limbs to furniture, I have dominated girls since I've been 16. <br />
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In actual life I am the nicest, funny, warm hearted individual. <br />
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The difference between me and the average Dom is that I respect the female race. <br />
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I understand nature however and that every female young or old deserves a chance to prove worthy as a submissive.<br />
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Dominants asking for help to find submissives Is an oxymoron. <br />
<br />
Hastverk1@gmail.com<br />
<br />
How is this spam?<br />
HERE IS MY EDIT.

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well said buddy

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Hastverkl, I admit that your missive turned me on! But, did you mean "irreverent" or "irrelevant"?

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i am very new to this but im looking for a dom and i have no clue as to when, where or how to look. im not a very submissive people in life. and i feel like i need a dom to remind me how to be a woman again. in fact im the dominant one most of my relationships but when im with a dominant person it surprises me how submissive i am and i like it. where do i start. looking to be put in my place

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Dear Sir, Where are you from? If I may be so bold as to ask. It always seems that every real dom I meet on line is either from another part of the country or isn't really real.

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I've heard that that is what is usual; submissive in private to sort of "balance" the rest of your life. I don't know if that is true or not. But it is in my case. I would NEVER leave a conversation without at least trying to get the last word! But, sex? Totally dif.

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You should look at the whole guy, the full package and then if that is what you want dig in a little deeper to his uniqueness. Talk - Make Love ( hard & gentle ) Toung Time, let him give you a good workout.

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I am a Man.. and sometimes the Male dominant will act as a understand sometimes submissive partner, until he knows he has her under his will. Then unleash his true sexual dominance over her .. both inside and outside the bed...

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One super reliable way:<br />
Dance with them.<br />
You will feel it in her body whether she responds by listening and surrendering into your direction fully or by making her own physical voice louder and trying to get that sort of back and forth going.<br />
I danced with the most AMAZING sub. At first I didn't realize what I had, but then I noticed how much her body softly yielded to my every movement. She wasn't just doing the moves I was telling her, she had a stillness about her in the in betweens, waiting and listening quietly to my body talk, when I discovered what she was doing I let my body roar :)<br />
It was beautiful and raw and powerful, I knew at the end of the song because of how much of a man it made me feel and from the awestruck and beaming smile on her face I knew she felt like a woman in my arms.<br />
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Every woman dancer wants to be led, but not all are truly a sub. I just dance and relish those beautiful moments when I stumble upon one.<br />
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Note, I have not personally experienced the BDSM lifestyle, my perspective comes from being a Tango/Blues dancer who privately dabbles in Tantra and internal martial arts. There's a bit of crossover of the dance and BDSM scenes where I live.

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When an ALPHA male is near females the strongest ******* become loving and tender... IF HE IS WORTHY...... If he is truly (in his soul) not alpha the female will eventialy turn bitter as her instincts to be w an ALPHA over ride her cultural inperitive to be with the "nice" guy......... So to answer the question simply...... THE MORE ALPHA TENDANCYS HE HAS THE LESS HE HAS TO "look" ....... Even fairly submisive girls are bitchy around a punk where as the coralary is, even ALPHA females are demure around true ALPHA men.

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It seems likely. But then, aren't non-alpha males ALSO willing to defer to an ALPHA male? I don't mean sexually.

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hi, i was thinking the same thing. im totally new but uve always wanted to be in a D/s relationship. im a tital beginner and ive alot to learn but at the same time i know what i want. firstly i dont want to go to parties with people on leads wearing rubber and gimp mask nor do i want a sadist or just a domineering person. i want a experienced master. a dominant who has taken time to learn. attended workshops or seminars perhaps. a man who evercises complete control but in a subtle way. an authoritarion, caring but powerful. shows respect consideration &empathy who takes time for everyone. who can teach me through encouragement not threats. who understands as a new submissive i will be wary but teaches me gently allowing trust. someone i can put first. pay attention too. to accept their authority care and nuture and show my desire to submit intimatly. is such D/s even real or can i only find such a dom in my fantasy?

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You won't find one overnight, but they do exist. Take your time getting to know someone. If they push you into a relationship before you are ready, they are not who you are looking for:)

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Depending on where you are, BDSM groups sometimes hold 'munches' which are social gatherings so that new people can get to know those in the scene on a social level, chat and perhaps be invited to a more intimate get-together.<br />
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My introduction to the scene was like this, after which I went to a rope workshop and was fortunate enough to be invited to try my learning on the partner of one of those there. My then wife had been worried that I wouldn't look after her and didn't want anything to do with going.<br />
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Sometimes it's more about a submissive female recognising a dom male and making an approach.<br />
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The net has meant that it's easier than ever to find like minded people and resources.<br />
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The "why am I attracted to the lifestyle" question depends lots on your environment now, your upbringing and early influences. When living a very busy life with no time for self, sometimes it feels great to hand responsibility to someone else to make the decisions, and focus on pleasing them. Opening trust to another at a really deep level is freeing, exciting, scary, stimulating and never dull. I lived more in 3 years like that than I had all the years before. My character has changed somewhat over the recent 3 years, but I still have subbie tendancies.<br />
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Happy to hear more about what troubles you about having these desires....

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OMG!!!!!<br />
<br />
*grabbing BIG NOTEBOOK OF IMPORTANT THINGS AND RECIPES*<br />
<br />
*scribble scribble*<br />
<br />
uh hum.<br />
<br />
hmmmm<br />
<br />
ok, I see<br />
<br />
*scribble scribble*<br />
<br />
Holy Moly there's a lot here!

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LOL...put your tongue back in your mouth!

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uhm hahahahahhaaa
slurrp

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hahaha...ewww...now wipe up that puddle you made!

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If you're a submissive woman who wants to let dominant men know, there are subtle, and not-so-subtle, clues you can give through jewelry. Here are a couple of examples:<br />
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A subtle "O" necklace:<br />
http://www.artfire.com/uploads/product/5/665/17665/6517665/6517665/large/bdsm_submissive_o_ring_day_collar_6mm_in_black_only_lobster_claw_clasp_de541a06.jpg<br />
<br />
A not-so-subtle bracelet:<br />
http://www.artfire.com/admin/product_images/thumbs/--90000--69683_product_186684644_2_thumb_large.jpg

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Now that I never considered:)

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Yes! Great questions! Where do men and women go to meet their match and... to play? I've struck up relationships with perhaps a dozen submissive women on Fetlife. The relationships last a while then ebb away due to many reasons... women wanting a lover not a DOM, women wanting to be slaves rather than a sub, women not being able to get away from their husbands, women working at jobs with incompatable hours, women looking for a husband, etc. It is always a shame to see a BDSM opportunity wasted since it takes a long time to develop a close relationship. Communications are so important!!! My last experience ended because we lost the place we played.<br />
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Jacob in Burien

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marleysghost - sounds like it's always "the woman's fault" that your relationships don't last. Really, a sex-based relationship doesn't last, even with vanillas. It either evolves or dies. It's not the wrong woman; it's your lack of gratitude.

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You can try BDSM.com.. I am a submissive female.. And I met my Dom there.!!

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Hi, Im very confused on what to do. Im only just now starting to realize I do things in very submissive tendencies. Not only am I currently in a relationship but he is so far from a Dom you might as well be comparing black and white. I cant just forget my submissive personality because it just 'is'. Whats your opinion on this Im so upset over thinking this isn't the relationship for me and making him unhappy.

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