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ive been seriously involved with a married man for over a year now. he says he loves me and wants to leave his wife but hasnt because hes afraid of not being in his kids lives. i am close to his kids and he is to mine. he tells me to be patient, which i have...how long do i wait to be with the one i love?welcome=t4
ladybug55 ladybug55 26-30 50 Answers Oct 20, 2008

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I was in that situation. It was hard for him to leave his kids - being in their lives every day. It was tearing him apart even tho the marriage was over he stayed on. I felt to push was unfair because I have a child and already knew the torment of shared custody. I told him I needed him to commit to us or let me know if that wasn't possible - ie - that he would stay with her to be with his kids 24/7. I told him loving him gave me the strength to do what was best for him but i needed to love myself too and that meant an end in sight to the torn life. I promised him we would always have his children, that I would be a good step-mom to them and we would have a good life. It was his decision but he needed to make it sooner than later. I asked him what he felt a fair timefr<x>ame was. He said 2 months, it ended up being 3 before he moved out but after 2mos he told he was leaving. AND he did not move in with me immediately. That was my idea. He got an apt for a year and we dated, grew as a couple, and he worked out being with his kids every other weekend as his place before we made our place. We lived together for a yr and then got married. We have an amazing and strong marriage. We have been married for 5 years now. He is my best friend and I trust him completely. Our relationship is nurturing of one another, healthy. His former marriage was not open - they shared little and she berated him daily. He felt lost and worthless in that relationship. He left because he decided life is short, too short to be miserable and not feel loved.<br />
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How long should you wait? That's up to you and up to him. Ultimatums never serve anyone so maybe you need to find out if he really can leave. He may not be strong enough. The younger the kids the harder it is to leave them I think. But change can be scary. Make the leaving not about you. Would he still not want to stay there? Good luck and God bless.

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It is true that most married men do not leave their wives. But even if they do, it is also very possible that they will not get divorced! I have been with two married men. The first one was a fluke. The second I said 'no' to immediately but he practically begged me, telling me he was one foot out the door, etc. I had known him for over 10 years. I caved. Though the highs have been great, the lows have been horrific, and I am convinced there are karmic lessons there (not punishment or anything but unresolved issues that must be worked through or they keep repeating).<br />
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The ironic bit is that they both ended up leaving their wives. Whoop whoop for me, right? Not really. The first one has been separated for 7 years and STILL has not filed. We are obviously not together anymore. His issues were greater than just leaving. He was actually fearful of a relationship with me! This is why he married someone he was not in love with. For safety. Marriage without love does not really work, so hence why their relationship did not work. But if he gets divorced, he will then make himself available for a really loving relationship. This is something that we had, but he could not deal with. I thought the wife and kids were the only obstacles. Not so.<br />
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The second one has been separated a little over a year and is struggling with the same issue in that he is fearful of upsetting her (they have a business together so is concerned about the repercussions). He does not seem to be scared of getting involved with me. But who knows. The relationship is currently off with a potential to be back on if he can move forward - and if I have not found someone else.<br />
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Man no. 1 was really weak. Man no. 2 is much ballsier in life - generally. So I was surprised to see him as wimpy as the previous guy when it came to his wife. Men are funny that way. Wives/ex-wives can have SO much power over them - even strong, feisty men.<br />
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I think the lesson in all of this is to value yourself enough to get out of the relationship and then see what happens. Don't wait around anymore than you have. Over a year is plenty of time for a man to know if he wants you or not. But you also need to be open to be with someone else if that is what the universe has for you. Getting involved with someone who cannot make you his number one priority is telling you that you need to work a bit on yourself. <br />
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After 8 years and 2 married men (and putting my life on hold for them), I have learned that I need to be number 1. I'm almost 44 and never have been married (with no kids) and have long wished to be. Do you think they care? No way. They have gotten what they wanted in life. It is the woman in this situation who suffers in the end, though they will talk about how hard it is for them too. My heart no longer bleeds for them. <br />
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Hope your situation has worked out better than mine. A few very rare ones do.

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ahh..sweetie..if i had a penny for every married man that told me he was leaving his wife and did..well, i'd be married right now...he ain't gonna..why would he? he's got you to **** and his wife to wash his clothes, make his lunch and dinner and raise his kids..if any..<br />
sorry to be so blunt but thats the way it is..i'm 40 and had my fair share of married men..they ALL SAY their relationship sucks, THEY ALL SAY their wife won't have sex and shes a ***** and blah blah blah whine whine whine.. every guy wants a Madonna at home baking bread and raising the kids and a nasty girl across town that will do all the things his wife won't ..TRUST ME..and its been going on for centuries and it will go on for many more..<br />
i just ended a relationship with a guy thats married.. mind you, he left her June '06 [i heard she kicked him out but whatever...] and we hooked up in July and were living together by oct...may of this year i broached the subject of him getting a divorce..i'm mean, if he died tomorrow his crack hor wife would get everything..and me, who's been paying the mortgage and bills for two years would get sweet **** all..they had no kids together [although she had two by two dif guys] and no property togther so it would've been a straight divorce, no contest..$200..i told him I'D PAY FOR IT..you know what he said ...you ready for this one??.."I'm not getting one cuz your telling me to"..i swear on my sons life the honest to God truth thats what he said..and then i realized..'i ain't going nowhere with this shmuck in my life and a week later it was over...life is too short to waste on a guy that won't be there for you when you need him hun..holidays, christmas, birthdays..he won't be there because he will be with HIS family..not yours eating turkey.. tell the guy to hit the bricks so you can open yourself to meet the guy thats FOR YOU!!

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You should never, ever mess with married men, just as the others have stated. You have to always take it from the wife's point of view; wouldn't you feel horrible if your husband cheated on you? History is bound to repeat itself, so don't go delving into a married man's life expecting him to be different for you than he was with his first wife.

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Please do not generalize, yes most men just want a little fun adventure, but some genuinely did not want to marry the women they are leaving with. Yes I am one of them, I will not expose the reasons here, simple but too long to expose.
It is a slow process as I respect (yes I know, it may seem a paradox) her and I want her to fall out of love from me, and I think I am getting there and I hope she will feel in control, that the divorce is her decision. It takes time, the process started 2 year ago and I optimistically think that we will be separated in about 9-12 months.
I spend time with a woman and get along and really love one, if she was thinking along the same line as you she would be wrong, completely wrong.

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What did I generalize? I said not to *expect* a cheating spouse to stay loyal to you, not "all people who cheat on their partners will be unfaithful to their next partner", because that *is* generalizing and is very likely a total lie. I also said not to mess with married men, because it's rude, and immoral, and you're intentionally trying to take someone away from a relationship they already have.

Look...this is from what, five years ago? If I didn't have e-mail alerts--which I am promptly getting rid of--I wouldn't have even seen your response. I'd almost love to hear how a responsible adult like yourself, who apparently cares about his wife enough to lie to her about his feelings and drag out an obviously poor relationship, decided it would be a good idea to get married in the first place. If you didn't want to get married, as I'm assuming from your first sentence, then *why did you*?

Just tell your wife. Lying and trying to make *her* fall out of love with *you* sounds to me like you're trying to spare yourself. It's long, complicated, and there's no reason to be optimistic if you'd just get it over with. If you're doing this, she must be a nice person, and if that's the case I think she deserves honesty.

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She is a nice person in many ways yes. For my reasons, I could try to explain why, but in this kind of story, excessively simple but everything needs to be said. Apart from the fact that it would be long, I am not sure I want to put everything out here.
But in a few words, which of course will leave room to interpretation, I got along well with here, I like to see people happy and I felt I could make her happy. I many ways I loved her, but I lied to myself, I loved her but not as a wife. I though I could leave like that, I am rather altruistic, I knew she would somebody nice to leave with as well so naively though it would work out somehow. When I met her, I was out of a difficult series of events (my own health, death of loved ones etc...) And I could not see clearly, I was stupid if you want to call it that way. In a last clarity moment I actually tried to stop it and but I couldn't bear the tears and pain she expressed. This prompted me, among others to go back to the idea that It might work out, maybe for convenience, lack of gut, again, whatever you want to call it. There was no bad intention from my side. That is all I can put together now.
Regarding honesty, well two things for that, first, even not kissing is I think clear enough to say that I do not want physical contact with her and that we are not in husband/wife relationship. Second, although she is a nice person, certain things she said she would be/do after being married never materialized, this did not help at all in maintaining/creating bonds between us. So if I blame myself in many ways, I do not blame myself for all of it.

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when I read "never ever", "always", "History is bound to repeat", "don't go", I can't see much more categorical than that as if what you describe is always apply isn't it a form of certainty/generalization? In a minority of cases probably, but I just said that this is not correct. What is true is that there is always a fairly high risk of being disappointed, but this is true in just marrying (I remind you that 50% of marriage end up in divorce). Relationship is always risky thing, it is bad, but that's life I guess.

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You've waited long enough. Suck it up and give him 30 days, 60 days, whatever, to file for divorce. Don't plan on him doing it. Do have a plan for breaking it off with him when he gets to the time limit. Stick to your plan.<br />
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...unless you want to keep on being "the other woman." And waiting. Forever.

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This is just crazy.. First off, never get yourself involved with a married man. Married men say all the right things like I love you, I don't love my wife, I'm having problems with her etc... They don't mean it !!!!! Of course they love their wife.. Some women are just too stupid to realize that the only thing that married men are after is just sex. Do you really think a man will leave his wife of how many years and children for a woman who has no self respect??? A man will never take the mistress seriously because she's allowing herself to be used. Married men pretend. Their real security is at home with his wife and kids. That is where his heart truly is. Face it...HOMEWRECKERS will not get anywhere with a married man. Respect yourself and go find self esteem and while you homewreckers are at it.. Find your OWN MAN. Married men DO NOT BELONG TO YOU....

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Why do the women get all blame? I've experience my ex husband cheating on me after I gave birth to our baby. So I've been on that side. As his wife i did lash out anger towards her. I blamed her but then realized that she is not to blame. He is and i am. We were the ones responsible for our marriage. What went wrong. His self control and me not appreciating him for the provider he was. Lack of sex.. It only took one week for me to see the change. I only this because before his behavior change we had a happily marriage, lots of love and affection at the very end of my pregnancy that's when it changed. my kindness with taking over his conscience he left our family and 2 months later moved in with her. I filed divorce and I can say that I am happy being alone. I know now that communication is a must N it takes both to make it work. So as a ex wife I do not take it out on the woman. As a wife make sure you appreciate your man even for the little things he does every day, send each other messages, refresh your sex life, try new things together, but at the end of the night make sure you tell them you love them and can't live life without them

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I applaud you as a ex wife for posting this "Miracle3054". I too am a ex wife that went through my husband cheating on me. Most of the people on here say that married men never leave their wife, well they do. I had gotten comfortable in my marriage. Just going on with the day to day life. Not showing my husband affection, etc. Men crave attention too, even though they don't admit it. Well at first, I blamed the other woman, but then I took a step back and said wait a minute she is not the blame for our marriage being destroyed. He simply went elsewhere to get the love and affection that he was not getting at home. I filed for divorce. He and I now get along better than ever. We co-parent our two children ( might I add one is not biology his), but he still takes care of both children. Most men are afraid of change, some want to leave their wife but are afraid of the repercussions. Now don't get me wrong there are some low down mean out there, but there are still some good guys stuck in unhappy marriages that want to get out but just don't know where to start. So some people on here are generalizing, we have to take a look a the whole picture. And ladies we have to take a look at ourselves to see what is pushing these men out there in the arms of another women. If you are truly doing everything at home, then he wont have the need to stray!! COMMUNICATION is the key. I am speaking from experience and learned the hard way.

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Why the fudge are you even touching a married man? Lol that's wrong. He has kids too! You're a classic home wrecker. There's billions of men on this planet yet you want one that doesn't belong to you. I bet once you have him, once his marriage is over and his kids are devastated you won't even want him anymore. You need to take a good look at yourself in the mirror. You're pathetic.

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oh come on, it all depends on the guy situation, do you know what it is like to leave everyday with somebody you do not love? No surely not. Love does not chose, it falls on you and if the guys does not love is wife then it is fine and better for everybody. Kids are not stupid and feel the resentment from a man to his wife. One can't hide it forever. You are pathetic

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Can somebody expalin me please why on Earth there are so many men around who marries and then live with a person they dont love? Is it fashionable???

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It goes both ways, and I think that doing this, for very various reasons, is very frequent. From comfort/materialistic reasons to body clock saying it is time to have a kid or it may never happen.

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You're wasting your time. He won't leave his family unless something drastic happens (like his wife finds out). The following may sound callous, but you need to hear this so you can move on with your life. <br />
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Speaking from personal experience, you don't marry the bit on the side. The affair is a fantasy, why would a man want to lose that? Right now your relationship with this guy is pretty perfect when compared to a marriage. You see each other infrequently, and each moment is special, because you don't have a lot of time together. There's none of the dull drudgery of relationships - none of the fights and the bad moods to deal with. It's a Utopian experience, which will rapidly deteriorate if you turn it into a real relationship. <br />
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The affair offers the sexual excitement you crave, and you get to keep your wife and family for the comfort and affection you also need. So as a man, you will do anything to keep the affair an affair, nothing more. <br />
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In the meantime you are being strung along, wasting your life on a dead-end affair. Give yourself a fighting chance to find a real relationship. Get out. Get out now.

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Word of advice don't waste your time. You deserve a man who will be faithful and loyal one who will love you in the good and bad times. This man has already shown you he can't be trusted. If he cheats on number one he will cheat on number two. You deserve better. There are single men out there if you don't waste your time on someone else worthless man you will find the right on. Remember God doesn't like ugly. If he were honorable man he would have left with out cheating. Better yet he would have honored his vows. Do you want to live the rest of your life who he is seeing behind your back? God loves you love yourself

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Honey, he's not going to so you might as well move on.

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They'll never leave. Trust me. Your better off finding someone else. And think about it this way, if he left her for you, what stops him from leaving you for someone else.

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False, I am a man and I am in the process of leaving as I married someone I did not love (too long to say why here). Do not think for others and draw abusive conclusion based on you own experience.

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Do you leave your family for somebody?

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Are you sharing opiniong based on smbd experience or just being prejudiced?

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McBan - how dare you imply that the woman is the problem in these situations. She is not the one that is married, HE is. And it is just as much his choice to be in the relationship as the mistresses and HE is cheating, not the mistress. Put the responsibility for the marriage where it belongs, IF there is a home wrecker, it is the cheater!!

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Aliwick, totally agree with you! Everybody here is blaming a mistress for being "dirty w~~re", but its the man who who decides to cheat on his wife. Mistress in this case doesnt cheat on anybody. Also blaming mistress for all the sins in the world, it gives impression as if a man is a sheep, without brain, coomon sense or whatsoever...

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One thing I would never do is to try to take somebody else's man away from them. It isn't right. Another person's partner should be off limits---period. I wouldn't go into my neighbor's yard and steal their dog.

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Yes, but life is not black or white, there are different hues. You know, many men dont even say they are married. Unless you check their passport, at times its just impossible to find out

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I am a guy who was involved in this. What most of the ladies are saying here is correct. I was in a purely physical relationship with a mistress, but that's all it was. She did not love me the way my wife did and in the end love won. My faith in God gave me the strength to break off that relationship and be committed to my wife. I have not cheated since over the last 6 years and never will again.

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how did you know the relationship was purely physical? Was it only that way for you? How did she feel? Im not saying that it wasnt but it usually very hard for women to have sex and it just be sex... Iam happy that you are back and committed to your wife. I one day hope to have a good stable relationship with a man.. I am a mistress now and it is no cake walk. As it should not be fun because it is wrong! But I continue to torture myself all the same.. I am back in school in August... Maybe I will meet a single man that really likes me and try to move on.. You love your wife.. Its insane but some of these men will stay miserable just to stay in the home with their kids, when really thats no way to live. If you are going to cheat whether the family "appears" happy or not. You are deceiving your wife and there is no way to have a truly happy family because you are living a lie. what is done in the dark shall come to the light. Iwill accept my fate willingly should his wife find out and come after me. I feel horrible, but Im not a good enough human being to walk away, I have tried...I can only imagine how hurt she will be if she finds out. ugh

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How do you know she didnt love you the way your wife did? You know, not everything can be valued and measured, especially in love. Maybe she would have died for you, but just because she wasnt darning your socks like your wife was doing it, you decided she didnt love you enough...

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The man I have been with for the last 4 months lives 120 miles from me and is married. He tells me his relatioship has involved little love since early on. They spent there wedding night doing seperate things by mutual agreement, having had a very cold and quick service. He often cries when I am affectionate towards him and tells me he has never felt so cared for by a woman. He says the reason he married her is because his child had not long been born and he felt it was the right thing to do as she wanted them all to have the same name. He tells me he will leave her but she is due at any time to have his second child. I no I will probably slated for this but it does not change the fact that he is not in love with her and we have found happiness in being together. I would not want him to tear his family apart while his wife is so heavily pregnant but he says that when she has had the baby and all is well he is leaving her. He is a good dad to his child and I have no doubt he will b to this one, I will support him to make the transition as smooth as possible and I have told him this. He comes to c me on average 3 times a month, staying for 1/2 days, we talk twice/3 times a day on fone and text constantly. He treats me all the time and even asked to meet my dad and children he also treats my children now and then. I am just so confused U no. Have never been in a situation like this before. Everything about the way he is with me says he loves me and I am not someone who is easily taken in by sweet talk!! he drove 240 miles over Christmas just to spend 5 overjoyed with me and bring my prresent, no sex involved. There is so much more but am trying to stick to the basics. Suppose, like you ladybug, I just want to know ppl's views and how long I shud wait.

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Unfortunately he will not leave his wife

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Leave that married man alone !!! It is trashy women like you that gives us good women bad rep. He does not belong to you!!! you are a homewrecker !!!

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Disagree on that. There are million cases where a man get divorced and syaty a new family with a mistress, and they live all life together. I think what is important is to avoid any relationship with a married person, but once it started, i think you can try to make it work.

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Wow - no one really "belongs" to anyone! We are all adults making decisions about intimacy. The concept and expectation of marriage has changed drastically through history. People get married young for all sorts of well-meaning, but unsustainable reasons. Whether or not a marriage is sacred depends on the hearts of the people in it, not the institution itself. I think the main problem with affairs is they enable the cheaters to remain cowards. Lies aren't doing any one any favors.

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Don't waste your time. Leave him and if he really wants to be with you he will get his act sorted out pronto. No point in putting your life on hold for something that he most likely won't do. He is comfortable with what he has and why should he change it? You're there whenever he needs you and he has a wife at home.....what a stud

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If he cheated with you then he'll most likely cheat on you.

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Not nevessary, have plenty of examples proving just right the opposite

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You don't! He belongs to somebody else! If he is doing this to his wife, he will do it to you!<br />
How can you ever trust him?<br />
Make your own destiny. Find somebody that is especially made for you!<br />
You cannot continue to live a secret, it is unhealthy and counter productive.

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He will never leave because his mind is wrapped around his life with his wife. If she found out she would either leave him or try to work it out. If he is left he will be mad and mad at you for messing up his life. If he truly loves you then he will go with you after this. The man my ex cheated with said he left his girlfriend, but he never did. He used my ex and eventually left her to be with the woman he never left.

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I just wanted to say that I really don't think there is a time table. Every situation and circumstance is different. I wanted to try and give hope to ones who are waiting because you don't see encouraging words out there too much. I'm not happy with the way things are but it happen and that's just the way it is. We worked around each other for two months as I was on a temp job, never once did we get out of line with each other. I came back home four hours away and before I knew it I received a call three days later. He told me he could not get me off his mind and that he could not live with the what if's for the rest of his life. He proceeded to tell me everything he loved about me and it wasn't just looks. He told me he was fine in his miserable marriage till he met me. After 15 years they have just been existing because they have a lot of property. Her child is 20 and his is 17. I always wait for him to respond to me out of respect and he will call me at least ten times a day, he emails me a few times after getting home and always tells me goodnight without a doubt. I never pay for a thing. We see each other every week and its not easy being four hours apart and neither one of us are rich by no means. He definately always shows me he loves me and when the time is right it will happen. Don't give up if you truly feel it in your heart and he always shows you.

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