How to deal with Mother In Law?

I agree with edgargeorge, completely. This is a 'power struggle', my dear. Nothing more and nothing less. How do you choose to handle the power struggles in your life? (Not that it's not hard)

I can only say what I would do.......I am stubborn when someone gets my dander up like that. And I have also had amazing results using grace and kindness. Here's why I was able to do it. Your MIL is trying to do ONE thing - have control. She is doing it by trying to make you upset. Every time she does something to try to make you upset - and you act lovely instead - it will KILL her. That's why they call it 'killing with kindness lol! It will drive her absolutely bonkers!! Because you will be taking her POWER away from her. It's like revenge that is actually moral, hehehe.


These are some more things I, personally, would do but don't recommend - things that will drive her CRAZY!! and make you laugh in private. This way he hears what's going on but is not put on the defensive about it. Also you put yourself in the light of being the most reasonable, sane, and supremely understanding woman, ever.:
*When MIL says bad things - bring them up to him in casual conversation and either chuckle about it or say - 'But that's the way some MIL's are, honey, I just try not to feel bad & I love her anyway." and smile or say" Hun, I accidentally overheard your mom saying __________ and I think she is feeling maybe jealous - what could we do to make her feel better?"
*If he asks her and she denies it say, "Oh honey, don't make her feel worse by confronting her...she won't want you to see her in a bad light - lots of MIL's go through this....."
And in conversation with your MIL & other people there too, say things like, "Oh MOM - you have such a great sense of humor, I heard you saying _______(whatever she said about you) the other day - you're such a kidder - I know you love me..lol" That traps her into not being able to keep saying those things, sometimes. Or WHEN you hear her - run to her, hug her and say "MOM, (with concern) I had no IDEA you thought that about me! What can I do to be the BEST daughter, to you, ever!? I think you're such an amazing woman! I want you to like me as much as I like YOU!" omg - you don't understand how much this would drive her nuts lol
*renovation - I would avoid the financial help too - but if you can't - I'd say" Well, honey, I thought we would have a special, newly-weds, first home experience and decorate it together...but if you feel like you want your mom to pick out everything and pay for everything, and make it the way SHE likes - well at least she'll be comfortable here. (Smile) I just want you to be happy, sweetie." or 'Well MIL, if you don't think ___(name of husband) doesn't make enough money....I guess you can keep paying for it - if it makes him happy, that's all that matters to me!"
*I would also get my MIL's goat by hugging her every chance I got, lol, sitting by her, asking her what she needs ( a drink are you hungry..) thanking her profusely for anything she gets you (remember that toilet brush? "oh, MOM, you don't think our toilet brush is good enough? Well mother knows best! chuckle merrily) ALWAYS call her 'mom' and from time to time, tell her how lucky you feel to have her as your MIL - you could even add that - 'so many other wives have MIL's that are nasty and controlling & try to break up their son's marriages but not HER - she is just a DOLL!'
* Ask her about herself - try to draw her out & compliment her - especially in front of your husband. He'll see how nice you're being and any arguments she makes against you will be hard to believe on his end.

Well you get the idea - turn the tables on her, kill with kindness and grace and see how it goes. I don't know if it's the best thing to do, but I can't resist a challenge sometimes.....especially when a woman who is acting like a child is trying to make my life miserable - I don't THINK so.......; ) Good luck - oh & pray to see the best in her, to not take personal offense and to love her as God loves her - and pray that your husband finds the truth and strength to act on it.

Ps My Nana had My Papa's mother do all that stuff to her. And moved in with them, eventually. She even took over my Nana's flowerbeds. One day - my Nana was so mad after her MIL planted in them, she started going out, every day (when MIL was gone) and gently pull on the flowers to keep them from growing bigger. It drove the MIL crazy cuz she couldn't figure out why they wouldn't grow. My Nana feels bad about it but I think it's hysterical. She said she would appeal to my Papa's values (like his cheapness, pride, tec.) when trying to get him to back her up (without knowing it) and sometimes it worked. It may be mean to say - but the thing about MIL's is...they eventually die. heehee ok, just thought that might get you to laugh. Think of her as a child and treat her accordingly - I'm not in your shoes , but if I really found a man I loved, I would not want to let him go so easily. Whatever you decide, my prayers are with you!!

OMG! this sounds so much like my experience with my monster-in-law! She thought I wasn't good enough, I didn't come from money, my mom worked she was not a stay at home.....my monster in law hated everything about me. She would tell him, "how he should handle me" and he never stood up for me. We had 2 kids. She ended up breaking us up. Cause I couldn't take it anymore. We separated and she was happy! Then, we decided to try to work it out, he had moved back with her and she would not let me come in her house. It was awful! We ended up divorced. Now 13 yrs later, he got remarried and his mom (who had moved in with him) didn't like the new wife at all! His mom and the new wife argued all the time or the mom would just talk badly about her. My kids told me about it and I sent him a email, reminding him of what happened to us and that it would happen with the new wife too if he didn't take care of it now! that's when he stood up to her. He kicked her out (she went to live with his sister) and he and the new wife are living happily ever after! He even moved acrossed the country! Wow! Now, that took 13 years! I don't know ya'll, but if I were you, I would tell him what you need him to do and if he choose not to do it then sadly, I would leave him. You might love him, but if he doesn't value your feelings and you are hurting all the time, then you will begin to resent him for it and love won't be enough. if you have children it is even harder for them, they have to constantly hear horrible things from her about you, and my monster-in-law even told my daughter that she was just like her mother and that "she didn't mean it nice". I left and found a better life. Good luck to you! FYI

I have been there and it was pure hell. My mother in law actually lived with us along with her three other kids and her boyfriend. I had a newborn and my ex now worked nights. She would complain about the food i cooked. The way i cleaned the house. Yet she never picked up a finger. I just explained to my ex how i was feeling about the things she did and said. He thought at first that i was just trying to find a reason to complain. Until one night he caught her being rude. I fixed lunch for my ex everyday at 2am thats when he had luch. The night before he went to work i fixed dinner for everyone else.His breakfeast but his mother asked if i would cook something else. I said no that would be for his lucnh. Well long story short she sent dinner back telling me she wasnt hungrey anymore. Then left to get take out. If you just kill your mother in law with kindness it will all back fire on her. It dosnt matter what she thinks of you it all matters what he dose. He loved you enough to marry you. I would just talk to him and tell him how it bothers you but dont keep complaining to him. Let it show that you are trying your hardest to be apart of the family. He will open his eyes and see what is going on. Then you can make a plan together. If you love him enough dont let his mother push you away. Its you two who will spend life together not you and her.

I did not get along with my mother-in-law in the beginning either. But I loved my husband and I learned to deal with her. After a few years went by, I realized that she and I were a lot alike, (family-oriented, spiritual, out-spoken, strong women, etc,), but we were also different. I had to respect that. And I also realized that my mother-in-law was the woman that gave birth to my husband, and she loved him as much, or more, than I did since he was her son...a part of her. And we just loved him in different ways. Now that my son is grown, I find myself being as over-protective of him, as she was of my husband. I love my mother-in-law, and although my husband has been deceased since 1993, I still keep in contact with her. Good Luck to you and God Bless You.

My son is 33 and he used to hear a lot of bad things from his grandmother about me. Me and his Dad have been divorced for 28 yrs. She did play a major part in our divorce also.
My son just told her that he refuses to even talk about me to her. She couldn't believe that my baby would stand up to her like that.
I was so proud that my baby (on his own) saw this side of a women that he loves very much. She was always good to him or I wouldn't have let him see her when he was young.
He was about 17 at the time. I am not discussed in her house if my son is there. I never said bad things about her because she was good to him. I always told him that me and her never liked each other. That was all it took. He was smart enough to see what was going on. I took the high road and it paid off.
I must also say- I have 2 of the best daughter in laws ever. I go out of my way to make them feel good about themselves. I want them to be their selves in front of me. I feel honored to have them in my family. If either son ever got divorced; I would hate it. I don't think they could find better wives.
I hope I am not alone in this. Family is family-blood is not always required to love each other. When you get the chance; remember to not repeat the same mistakes.

It's simple. Either he cuts the apron strings holding him so tightly to mommy dearest, or your marriage is over. Is he going to be a husband or a mama's boy forever?

Hi.! Im a single woman,19yrz old and watch the same situati0nz fr0m a m0vie. I d0nt kn0w if it would help.U kn0w the film "monster in law"? A m0vie of JLO.,-maybe u juzt have to talk to your mother in law,tell how much u love his s0n,but despite of what she d0es that put u into fight.,u might gve up ur relati0nshp with her s0n bc0z as l0ng as she is like that ofc0urze all might mess up.,u love him and he do love u. Be str0ng and pray to the Lord.He will guide u.G0od luck,i hope ul overc0me of pr0blem.Take care-mwah.

I don't think that there is a mother in law that likes the wife of her son. never, never , never.

They thing that there son is stolen by a strange woman and will treat you as if you were the worst person on earth.

Just ignore everything she does in his back and try to avoid any contact with her. When she come to visit her son remember that she is not coming for you so just welcome her, smile and then make yourself busey when she visits him. don't make her jelus from you.


You will be happy for her constant visits after you have kids. you will try to find anybody to be with them when you want to take a shower or go shopping.

Your husband is a kind man as long as he is kind to his mother. Who can't be kind to his mother can't be kind to his wife.

Always remeber she is not your real mother so any good thing you do for her is a favour. you don't have to do any thing for her. But don't do any thing bad for her.


because she have more money than you it does not mean that she is better than you.
I think you should let her renovate as she likes as long as you don't have the money yet because you don't have anything to lose then you should be happy for what she does. You can renovate later when you have the money but don't make your self busy with it as it is not your responsiblity.

I've given this advice before and it is never popular (probably because it does not involve revenge). I had problems, as a daughter-in-law, similar to yours. One morning I woke up and decided I wasn't going to let her have so much power over me. I decided to be nothing but courteous and loving -- for example, when she demanded we attend a family reunion, no request or invitation, I smiled and asked "how can I help?" My mantra was "grace and courtesy in all things," as if she were no more than a causal acquaintance to me. I avoided contentious subjects by saying "I agree" and moving on, or by politely excusing myself. I got amazing results as soon as I started pitying her instead of fearing or dreading her. And we are on proper footing today as a result.

The only other piece of this is that your husband needs to refuse any financial help from her. You don't need to be owned by this woman. It is her foot in the door. So I would make that the one battle I would choose to fight with my husband, in your case.

Love can win it all. Just be positive and try to do all good to her. She will realize it someday. The more bad she does, you do more good. Be happy , Keep smiling always, be positive. Life will change so will she. I just bet. Get her some gifts, do small small things for her. Cook her choice of food. Praise her well. Tell good things about her to everyone. Try it out..........

I think you should just work harder to please her....cook for her, when she comes over, offer her a back rub...

HA!!!Just joking....I bet you were thinking "what the?"

Your husband needs to Man Up.....he is the one who needs to set mama straight....He sounds like a little boy, when he deals with her.....I would really be concerned about this, because of her controlling nature...if she was like that as he was growing up, it's very possible that he ended up stunted emotionally.....which can be permanent....

My MIL is very controlling...she lives in New England, me and my husband are in the midwest US, and she still manages to control him....He's 50. She will call and manipulate him, and he buckles like a little boy.....He even calls her to ask her what he should do, when facing a medical procedure, or if he's going to cook fish....He never grew up emotionally...and he talks about her, like something of a 12 year old ......like she's up there with Mother Theresa.....Oh, and don't even say anything about her, even if it's facts......because then, the fight is on....he will be up one side, and down the other......He has Borderline Personality Disorder, which causes permanent stunted emotionally maturity....among other things.....If her boys don't call her as often as she thinks they should (several times a week), she threatens to send police over to the house, for a well-check up....make sure her boys are okay.....
What????? They are in their 50's....geesh....

You are wise to go to counseling.....it may work, may not....There are a lot of years of damage that woman probably did to him.....and it will depend on his willingness to look at it and deal with it, as to how your marriage will turn out......Good luck.

OMG
I thought I was the only one whose M-I-L has bought her a toilet brush!
There's so many similarities here.....
Not sure how to advise, but try and nip this in the bud somehow. Don't give your power away to her. I believe I have read a comment about you having vertigo. That will undermine your confidence, If I've remembered that bit right. Do what is right for you.
I have to go away for a while but I will listen in a week or 2 if you want to get back to me.

It sounds like she's having trouble letting go (oh really?). She needs to accept that her son is all grown up now, and though he loves her, that he doesn't need her coming around every other day. She's undermining you because she wants to be the primary female in his life. Sounds like she could do with a bit of self-awareness. Also sounds like Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond.

I bet he is an only child. *sighs* Try living in the same house, different floors ! Every morning he spends with his mom, upstairs. He goes to work for a bit, comes home and he's mine. Thing is, you do not want to make him have to chose.

The one who does that, is the one who will lose. It's all about co habitation. Even though you live in separate homes, you both live in his heart.

So, you must both (you & MIL) learn the boundaries.

So what she says stuff about you ? Pfft, try being punched,kicked, pushed down stairs, slapped in the face and spit on by the woman who brought the man you love into the world.

My nick name around here is "Epitome of white trash" And she tells him "You sleep with a w.h.o.r.e." So what if she's half right, I was a prostitute.

My point is, what you don't try to hear, can't hurt you.

She is his mother, you are his wife. Same story has been written through out the ages of time. If you love him, stop making things worse. Let his mom be his mom, you play your role and lay down the rules to both of them.