Leaves you a Living-dead. Life continues and you try to prevent yourself from going insane by keeping yourself as busy as ever but during those moments of absolute lull, the haunts return with vengeance. The worst thing that I seem to be completely overwhelmed with is the inability to embrace anything closely anymore or to risk believing in anything that may make inroads into those corners of my inside that have never quite mended. Its life without life.
You absolutely nailed it! Big eye opener when those who came from your body walk away.....
Being OSTRACIZED is one of the clearest methods of attacking a sense of BELONGING., it threatens the SELF ESTEEM because it is associated with PUNISHMENT,carries the message that something about the individual is BAD or UNWANTED. OSTRACISM is a poignant METAPHORE for what life would be like if the "target" (you) DID NOT EXIST. Because ostracism INVOLVES A WITHDRAWAL OF ATTENTION or recognition by others, individuals exposed to it may be reminded of their fragile and temporary existence, and its lack of meaning and worth. THEY MAY BE REMINDED OF THEIR OWN DEATH. WHILE WE ARE BEING OSTRACIZED,IT COULD OCCUR TO US THAT THIS IS WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF WE WERE DEAD. - ive been searching any information to understand all that im feeling physically and emotionally since my 5 years of separation from my only child. REJECTION IS WORSE THAN DEATH. so you feel like a zombie seriously, A LIVING DEAD< LIFE WITHOUT LIFE. i found this article about the effects of being ostracized and for the first time my feelings were explained. anybody that is "living" with this can often feel like thay are on the edge of madness, the pain is that intense.
It hurts like hell to be a parent that has given all they could to raise children on my own and then have them walk away when they didn't get what they wanted. I sit and cry on holidays. I hate them even though I have a wonderful partner. I wake up sometimes after dreaming about my children and miss them terribly even though we went through some very trying times. I should have seen this coming as even when they were with me they didn't remember my birthday or mother's day or christmas. As long as I gave to them it was all good. I have been told that as a parent we are not supposed to expect things from our kids, but continue to give to them and make sure they are alright. The saddest part of this is that due to the estrangement of my son and I, my parents and I are estranged as well. It sure doesn't feel good to be a childless mother and a parentless child. =(<br />
It breaks my heart to read all the responses to this question and see all the broken hearted parents who cry for their lost children. It angers me to see all the ungrateful self entitled brats that have no appreciation for the things their parents gave up or did for them along the way.<br />
I don't know what gave these kids such a sense of entitlement. I don't know why they think they don't have to work for what they want. It pains me to see them use emotions and normal relationships as tokens to be exchanged for money. It's sickening. These kids have gotten the idea that they will be normal children and love their parents IF their parents give them what they want. Well let me tell you something, the time will come when we are gone. They will have nobody to manipulate or extorte money from and they will have no family left either, so they will be even worst off emotionally than we are. Isn't that a sad thing. It's horrible to watch the world go this way. I prefer to go back in time in my mind in stead of into the future. The love my grandparents and I shared was the most amazing part of my growning up. I will forever be thankful for the love and understanding they gave to me as I grew up.<br />
Children in general have changed their thinking so that they are entitled to everything they want without having to work for it. They expect their parents, and all adults, should just give them everything they want. It's very sad. As soon as they don't get what they want, then they withhold affection and relationships as a means of "getting even" with the ones who aren't giving them what they want. I feel that when society in general changed the ways that were acceptable in child rearing, they overlooked the changes they made to the way children perceive things.<br />
Only thing we can do is do the best we can with what we have. If that doesn't include children who have disowned us, then so be it. Yes it hurts, no it's not fair, but it is life and how we live it is OUR choice. For those of us in pain, maybe it's time to practice tough love, say NO
to tessnunya,it hurt sooo much . i though i did everything right.now one is a docter, one is a scientist. working 2 jobs as a nurse to raise them,bought them a condo. 6 years now, i cry on holiday, birthday...miss them sooo much.not hear from them.call or email not receive any . i wish i was death than being alive. sd
Well I would like to say that things have become better between my children and I, but that would be a lie. I didn't bother with a christmas tree or such this year, it was just hubby and I and not one of them came around over the holidays. One of them moved and didn't tell me where...so I see how much contact that one wants. I only hear from the youngest one when he wants something...it's absolutely disgusting. My middle one has come around some what. She informed me that I am going to be a grandmother in september. Great, another generation of heartbreak. I still cry when I think about all that has happened, how they have behaved. It's not fair. So I will continue to live as a motherless child and a childless mother and keep moving forward with my life with my wonderful partner and be thankful for what I have and try to stop mourning what I lost. I know I will never be able to stop crying, I will never stop feeling the pain...but I will move on.
to TessNunya, read your responding i cry- and still now, i feel so close to you-my angel- someonce i never met seem care so much about me.since my sons left, the loneliness, sadness killing me slowly.i dont much about computer and typing by one finger. please keep intouch.may i give you my email? in case i lost you.
I sent you a message, please check your mailbox on here. Please don't cry...you can't let them keep hurting you like this. Every time we shed a tear, they win. I know that makes it sound like a game, which it certainly isn't, but they will never realize what they have lost by pulling back from you if you keep giving every time they throw you a crumb. It's sad. Keep your chin up and be proud of who you are and what you did for your ungrateful children to get them this far in life. Smile =)
Will take your advise,but it hurt when relatives or friends asking about your kids. what did i do wrong? so ashame to the point i distance mysefl from all of them-more lonely- the sadness of hollyday, bday,motherday...and when you lying alone in the hospital. no phone call...
Jerrym888, I know how hard it is when people ask about your children and you have no answers. I just try and keep the tears held back and I say, Sad as this sounds, I really don't know how they are. They decided that they didn't need me for a mother and there is nothing I can do to change that. People usually stand there for a moment and then leave because I have put the ball back in their court. Is there groups in the hospital that have activities you could join? Some hospitals have volunteers who visit and school kids that adopta grandparent and come to hospitals etc to visit with people who have no family. I would ask about things like that and see if there are groups that you could join or have visit to make the time easier for you. Hugs Tess
Read my other message to you, I feel very much the same for I too am a motherless child and an childless mother. I still have my daughter but I worry about this impact on her has she gets older, its like being abandoned by a father, she and her brother were very close she is only 12!
We all need to focus on ourselves, which is challenging job for a good mom. When you feel yourself dwelling try to put your mind at peace, transcende, think slow thoughts of things you like. Take up a peaceful and time consuming hobby. I am going to go back to painting, I find if forces you to think slowly and peacefully. It helped me to pack away my son's photos too. Not that I don't value those memories but I want to keep them memories, not daily reminders of what is lost. Big hugs.
Why should I love parents that neglected me and dragged me thru hell?? wtf should I love a mother who did dope and sat there and f*cking watched?? Why should I love a dad who deserted me, especially when he knew I was abused??? I don't have a senses of entitlement!!! Both my parents are very distorted and toxic individual and so are/were their spouses!
If you were a decent parent then they would not have disowned you. Your refusal to take responsibility for your actions is why they have moved on.
I understand your judgmental response and perhaps with a little more information you may just rethink your position on this. I worked two and three jobs at a time to support them and their friends that they brought home. Once they turned age of majority, the paternal side started throwing money at them left and right. Because I didn't have any to give them at every demand, they felt they had to leave me and swear allegiance to the ones who could purchase their love and trust. I did everything I could for those kids. I was not a bad mother. I never did drugs, drank, etc. I worked like a fool and gave them everything they needed but not everything they wanted. That is a huge difference in this upcoming generation. I had rules and expectations and they thought that having to take out the trash or cut the grass was too much of an imposition on their leisure time.
You have a big heart, and I'm glad there are women out there like you that care about people and make the world a better place. Each person's life is their own, their reasons are their own, their choices are their own. It is natural to want to rationalize a child disowning their parent by saying the generation is spoiled, or self-entitled. If you truly love something, let it go. If they love you, they will find a way back. In my case, my parents didi not make me happy. They always told me they wanted me to be happy, so in a way they got what they wanted, though not what they planned for. God bless all of you suffering souls, I truly hope you find peace. Anger and regret is the path of the dark side.
Boom! Seconded. +1
The sick thing for me is, it hurts more than death but I don't just off myself because I worry they will need me and I won't be there. And I wouldn't want to burden them with a mom's suicide.
Yes everyone asks, sometimes I blurt out the story, usually I just say "she's doing great". "He's doing great".
Everyone's story is different. I does sound like a horrible childhood, I am so sorry. My hurt is that I never did any of that, loved them to pieces when they were little, but started setting very unpopular boundaries as they turned teenage. As my mom, who spoiled them rotten and lay dying was asking about them, they couldn't spare a 1 minute phone call to her. When I was with my mom, my daughter brought a boy into MY BED. EW. I was furious. I yelled. Abusive? My bed smelled like sex, it was so nasty and over the top. She was 16 and had already been sleeping around for years, I later found out. I got lies about going to friend's houses with parents home. Dropped out of high school. Did dope all day long in my house, blew smoke in my face.
I just looked at your age - I was going to offer to adopt you! I would never do to a kid what you parents did to you. My daughter is just cold blooded.
What actions? You are making a lot of assumptions.
They used to blame moms for autism and schizophrenia - now science knows better.
I disowned my parents 7 months ago (I'm 26). I was curious to see how some parents felt being disowned. Obviously only the ones who were really devastated would find this website and bother posting. But I find that there is a lot of self-pity and people saying how they did everything for their kids. Spoiled them. Maybe that's the problem. You think that love is over-indulging someone, like how you over-indulge in feeling sorry for yourselves. Spending money on someone or giving someone everything they want isn't love. You're tyring to buy love. And you're not a friend. You're a parent. Kids will always want you to be a strong parent figure who can teach them the ways of life and stay tall in the face of their kids's stupidity. If you're some self-pitying over-indulging 'friend', kids are going to see that you're bad news for them EVEN if they love you (and I love my parents). Kids don't want parents in their life who are always disappointing them by not stepping up to the role that they wish they would take. Maybe they do love you, maybe they don't know how to deal with their disappointment so they failed to explain it to you better, but they need to be their own parents and can't do that around you.
Let's see...the crime, not worthy of a jury trial because the parent is "guilty" just because the child (and I do mean CHILD) says so is being too kind and "not stepping up to the plate... blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine". What do you know about gratitude? What do you know about child rearing? What do you know about humanity and the lack of perfection in being human? You're pointing one finger at your parents while three fingers are pointing back at yourself, speaking of not stepping up to the plate as an adult. This is a childish temper tantrum that I'm reading, not the words of a forgiving mature adult who has the ability to filter out people's short comings. You're so spoiled that you think you should have been bestowed with the epitome of parenting perfection. And now you want to blame your short comings on your parents and cry like an infant about how deprived you were for not having perfect parents. Are you going to whine like this about every non-perfect relationship that you're in? Because I have news for ya...you're never going to find a perfect relationship...never. That's not what humanity and relationships are all about...whining, crying, imperfect infant. Why would anybody want to be in a relationship with you? You're not perfect, you're far from it. So let's put your head on the chopping block without putting you on trial to defend yourself. I hope your parents tell you to go **** yourself and take a trip around the world and forget about you altogether. You're a rotten kid. I don't see any problem with your kids disowning you and ripping your heart to shreds for your plethora of imperfections. Let's see if you how perfect a parent you are, spoiled, smart ***. Common now, achieve perfection. Be perfect or else you're gonna get it.
I've read your comments several times now in order to digest all you've said and try to understand your viewpoint.
I noticed you place full responsibility on the parent in quite a cruel manner. I have to admit I wasn't surprised though.
I'll admit when my son was young (until he was about 9) I spoiled him. I saw this was a mistake and began slowly reversing what he had become accustomed to. When he wanted something I began attaching an expectation. The expectation varied. A chore, a good grade, helping a relative or neighbor. It varied. The reaction varied but most often his want disappeared when faced with having to do something to earn what he wanted. Mind you he had good examples set for him throughout his life. We were hard working family oriented parents. My son struggled in school not because of a learning disability or any other disability. We'd taken him to specialists to rule out any health related issues. His teachers said he simple wasn't interested and no level of encouragement phased that lack of interest. This had been ongoing from the time he entered 4th grade. He would draw on test papers rather than taking the test. We hired several tutors over the years who had no more success with him than we or his teachers did. We began taking him to counseling when he was 12. The counselor said he was extremely self indulgent and would grow out of it. He didn't. He got worse. In his world everything that went wrong was someone else's fault. Usually his parents. When he brought home bad grades it was his teachers fault. One of his friends had been molested by his mother's boyfriend (they were both 10 at the time). A month later when my husband refused to buy him a pair of $80 sneakers he told a teacher at his school his dad had molested him and related the events his friend had told him. My husband was horrified but agreed to live separate from the family while my son's allegation was investigated. During the investigation his story began to grow and alter. In the end it came to light he'd fabricated the claim to get back at his dad. He didn't care he'd been caught in such a vicious lie. He didn't care what he's put his family though. We put him back with another counselor for the following year. We went into family counseling also. We had him seen by a Psychologist who told us the same the counselor had. He's lazy, self indulgent and accepts no responsibility for himself. By 14 he was skipping school. Not to go off with friends rather to sneak back into his bedroom after we'd left for work and sleep all day. About this time we also began having to battle with him to take regular showers and change his clothes. He would refuse to take his shoes off for a week at a time and even then only when we practically had to hold him down to do so. I can remember my husband finally resorting to embarrassing him into showering.
When my son was 16 he stopped going to school altogether. We could take him to school and drop him off. Watch him walk into the school campus. Then he'd take off as soon as we were out of eyesight. It was understandable in an odd way given his education was at 5th grade level and his teachers were no longer going to pass him with D-'s just to move him through the system.
At 18 he and his then girlfriend decided to join the Army together. He managed to obtain his GED. They went for physicals and found out she was pregnant. He went to boot camp. She moved in with us. Eventually she moved to her aunt's to wait out the time until he had graduated boot camp. Which he didn't. He was given a general discharge and released from military service. And of course came back home to a pregnant wife and no job prospects. My husband ended up having to employ him so he could support his wife and coming child. He finally got as decent of a job as he would ever qualify for and managed to hang onto it for about a year. Then stopped getting up in the morning and was showing up to work hours late. He'd turned 21 and started drinking. His wife, who was no jewel either, decided she wanted a divorce. My son fought for and after an incident while the mother had the child, was granted temporary sole custody. He had moved back with us after she'd kicked him out. The primary condition of the custody was he and his daughter continue to live with us until permanent custody was decided by the court. The judge didn't feel either of them were capable of being a fit parent on their own and hoped what was sure to be a lengthy custody would give them both some time to grow up . His wife showed up at the initial custody hearing 30 minutes late and pregnant again by someone else. To make a long story shorter he lost custody because he's decided to drop his better paying day job in favor of a job working in a bar from which he wouldn't return from until the following afternoon. When I refused to continue to watch his daughter, and his friends had also because he had caused them to be late for their own jobs by not picking her up once he was off work, he backed me against a wall and threatened me with a closed fist in my face. I told him to get out of my home. He left and dropped his daughter off at a friends to never return to pick her up. He called his ex-wife and told her to retrieve their daughter. That was the last time I saw my granddaughter. I saw my son the next time a year later after I'd moved and got a call he wanted to visit. It ended up his visit was because he'd been unemployed and living in his car which was set for repossession. He'd also gotten cited for drunk driving and was running from being arrested. He stayed with me for a while and moved into a small garage apt owned by a man who felt he could take him under his wing and straighten out his life. During this time he managed another two citations of drunk driving. At this point he was relying on the man whose apt he lived in to keep a roof over his head and his belly full. He stole money from this man and when the missing funds were noticed, rather than taking responsibility pointed the finger at me. This was the last time my son and I talked until his dad's funeral which he showed up to in order to take possession of a truck. A few years ago he contacted my sister who in her attempt to be understanding allowed him to continue laying the blame for his life on his parents. He told her to pass along to me he didn't want any contact with me. Why? Because he knew I wouldn't finance or excuse his behavior. Last I heard he'd done time in jail for the drunk driving charges and was apt to head back because he hadn't been able to hold down a job this couldn't pay his fines.
I was crushed for many years. I still am when I think to much about this. But I'll be honest my son had 20+ years of inflicting pain and heartache on me. While I miss my son I don't miss the agony he brings. This isn't to say I don't love my son. I do with all my heart. I hear about him from time to time and he's still living his life the same.
So before you point your high powered finger of blame you should pause and look to what part the adult child plays. Otherwise you're the same as my son. Always blame someone else.
You deserve the pain that you carry. Based on the scathing reply rife with hatred and cruel remarks, it's clear that you were one b1tch of a mother. Good for your kid, getting out of such an abusive relationship with a self-righteous cu^t
No one read this nonsense. Everyone just scrolls down. You probably talked your kid's head off too with your pontificating. Just sayin ;)
You're preaching to the choir. Nobody wants or expects perfection.
Accept the fact that relationships are not a playground where you can do whatever you want and still have a child who loves you. There are rules, and some of them have severe consequences.
When you break the rules and severely offend your child, don't be surprised when they leave, and don't you dare call them spoiled because of it. They didn't WANT to leave, they NEEDED to.
Oh my gosh, if you love them why disown them? That's just brutally cruel.
And you are googling how it makes them feel, like hopefully you hurt them enough? Are they suffering enough for you? You sound like a sociopath.
This is a great website. I felt I was totally alone in these situations but I see I am not. I can relate to many things all of you have said. I think it is definitely a different generation. I hurt and cried and tried. Then I realized I am being emotionally abused and I do not have to be emotionally abused by children who lie and fabricate and embellish falsehoods. Parents make mistakes. No parent has a Masters in parenting. We usually fly by the seat of our pants and hope for the best. I just never thought I would be abused, hit, had things stolen, or such heinous lies told to everyone as I sat in shock and had no recourse. Well I cried and then I thought it is time to move on. It is time I take care of the good person I am. I remember the good I did for these brats. It is their loss. It doesn't mean I don't love them, I just no longer need to listen to them or take on the guilt.
It makes me physically sick to have my daughter hate me. We were always very close until she married a narcissist. He has her so brainwashed its horrible. She also has become very nasty. She actually threw her in-laws out of her house on Christmas Eve, made them sit in an airport and fly home alone on Christmas morning. She tells people I say things about their children when it is her that does so. Her husband is plain evil. He has convinced her I am the evil person. He has told her that I ask him for money to pay my bills. He tells her bizarre things that she believes. He is a habitual liar, and she actually is aware of it. My grandchildren are the tools used to punish me. They know how much I love those kids but will refuse for me to see them. (My punishment for not responding as they want). My son no longer talks to his sister. He too would rather not be around people like them, although he too loves the children. It is so hard. He has always put on the face of Mr. Wonderful in front of others. When he has an audience he is the best husband and father you could ever imagine. People think he is the greatest. He loves himself like no other. He does steroids and goes to the gym everyday. Now he purchased injectable HGH so he will always stay young. He is a short man with a big ego to feed. He has never had the same job for more than 2 years, and that is only one. All other jobs he has held for a little over a year. He always blames management picking on him. Or he'll say the company is changing hands and everyone is leaving. I don't understand that since my daughter knows he is a liar how can she always believe this crap? Anytime we have been out to dinner he has started loud arguments. Mostly about how he doesn't want to work to keep them (my daughter and children). That there has to be more to life than going to work daily. He wants to quit and wants my daughter to get a job. He says she has a better degree. Unfortunately, he is the only one with the loud voice. I could go on and on . I think because my daughter threw his family out on Christmas Eve and she will wants nothing to do with his parents, that is why he turned her against me. he knew we were close. He is destructive and very evil. But his mother is the same. She also has tried to start much trouble between my daughter and me. That is actually what happened at Christmas among others. She told my daughter I say terrible things about her. What is wrong with these people? I don't get it. I pray my daughter will wake up and become part of our family again
Snowbird, you are absolutely correct. He is a narcissist and he is evil. My ex is one also. Tore me away from anyone that cared about me by lying and causing chaos. His parents did the same thing to me for years until I had a nervous break down. My older children were very little at the time and were told that they were the cause of it. Completely untrue. Narcissists live for a live audience that will believe anything they say without a doubt. They will befriend people they need something from and as soon as that need is fulfilled, they are shown the door. My ex was physically, emotionally and financially abusive. He bought and paid for anything from anyone he needed at the moment. Once he had what he needed, they were gone forever. He never had a good thing to say about anyone and lived his life making chaos so that none of us would ever get together and discuss what was happening. In spite of his best efforts, my family was close until the kids got old enough to be bought and paid for. They started working on my parents who are estranged from me as well. People like this are poisonous and can destroy a person if allowed to continue with their chaos. I just keep hoping that things will right themselves and the kids will start using their brains again. My partner makes my life the best he can and his family loves me to death, so it makes it a little easier, but still the tears come. Still the hurt is there. It always will be until the kids decide that perhaps they are looking at things from a skewed perspective. I pray it won't be too late for you or for me.
**** your daughter and her husband. Get on with your life and live like you've never lived before. Do what ever it is that you've dreamed of doing. If you don't know, then figure it out. Let them have their own kids and get disowned. Quit taking this crap from these people. They're both abusive, why do you want them in your life? You can't do anything about it, so get on with your life. When baby birds leave the nest, they never see the parent again. If that's the way they want it, so be it. Don't give them the satisfaction of your suffering. My daughter has done this to me. If she ever approaches me again, she's got a surprise coming. I'm not available anymore.
Haha! You had to read more, no ? I do like your progression though. From hurt and sadness to anger and resolve. Are you sure it's unclear why your kid disowned you? Seems obvious that you are a ****** person..
Mean people suck.
When I personally am angry it is a break from the pain. Mom's are supposed to take relentless cruelty and never get angry. Moms are actual people, actual human beings.
There is a hole in my heart... He did it with absolutely no explanation. No fight, no anger - just did.
Love it. This is exactly how I will do it. I read this forum in advance, hoping to find a strategy for when I disown my parent. This is what I will be doing. The silent treatment is always the worst, torturing the mind with confusion as to "why? Why?" Ugh. What a sick thought, no? I mean who wants a kid that thinks these things anyway? Any parents feel like they may have dodged a bullet by getting disowned?
Today is September 26th, 2013. I've been divorced for over 5 years. I lost my job over 2 years ago. It’s been over 9 months since I’ve seen or spoken to my two sons who are 17 & 15. I made some bad decisions due to being an Alcoholic, but I did nothing directly to them. My bad decisions were bad enough for them both to choose not to communicate with me in any way. Since I lost most of my friends and my job, I decided to move back to where I grew up and temporarily live with my Mother.<br />
While I realize that most people their age (I was once at that age) aren’t that interested in what’s going on in their parent’s lives, I think about each of them every single day. When I think about them, there are a number of questions that race through my head … What are they doing at this very minute? Doe they ever think about me? When will I see them again? Will they forgive me for things I’ve done in the past? Doe they remember the “good” things that I’ve done for them and others? Are they embarrassed to be associated with me?<br />
I have been completely sober for 9 months. I hand-write letters to each of them twice a month. I try to sound positive in the letters and try to think of things to ask them about. It's the hardest thing that I've every been through in my life and each letter is tougher to write than the last one.<br />
I'll close for now but will update my status if/when it changes. I have enjoyed reading the other postings here. Everyone has a different story to tell.
I have 4 children. I got divorced from their father 11 years ago. The marriage was abusive in many ways from physical emotions financially and psycological. My youngest was 6 months when I left so she doesn't remember anything. However, my elder three sons who are now 17, 16, 14 have some memories. When I left I had all 4 of them and was placed in an emergency b&b with nothing much apart from the clothes I had. My ex contacted the solicitors and said I abducted the kids. The courts ordered for my older three to return to their father until I found suitable accommodation as the Domestic violence was recent or drastic enough. Well, I found accmodation although it was a 2 bedroom flat . However I never got my sons back but had over night contact and my ex had the same with my daughter. 11 years on my ex is remarried I mt and found a wonderful partner whom I married July this year. But a year ago dUE to my husband being white British and me being Asian Muslim my ex turned my sons against me saying I'm a bad Muslim a bad woman who needs to be reprimanded. I have sent my sons messages lling the I miss them and love them but they don't want to know and won't acknowledge me as their mum and my daughter gets torn up between this. Everyday it pains. I always think of them and feel like I'm such a failure as a mother. I try to not show my pain and find I can't really talk about it because no one really knows what to say. My husband supports me but even he doesn't know what to say so I continue to live as though I'm fine but inside it feels as though someone rips my heart out from my chest. To top it off I have discovered they even took all the baby photo albums I made for them so that I don't have them to turn to and they won't return my property. I have a constant fear that they will eventually turn my daughter away from me too. I fuel like my ex his family and even his new wife will always keep doing this until thy finish me. I hold on to my memories inside my mind and hope one day they will see the truth and return but that won't ever make up for all the time that I feel have been stolen from me.
My adopted son just left after 5 yrs of raising him. Left to be with his bio sibs. Threw a fit, called them up and they swooped in to take him away now that he's 18. My heart is broke.
My daughter is adopted to. I think at the bottom of all this is this pain that I chose her and love her 100% top to bottom, flaws and genius, but I feel sucked dry and used by her. I got the literal finger (repeatedly) from her at age 13 and up. She was lovely until the teenage hormone switch hit. Then I worried and worried about her getting pregnant, doing drugs. She was hostile, reckless, making dangerous choices. I set boundaries - pretty darn reasonable ones - like don't do drugs in my house, go to school, do your best at whatever your passion is, and errr, don't have sex in my house much less my bed. Write a thank you note or call when grandparents send you money. SOOOOOOOOOOOOO abusive! She broke my heart too. Said she "realized" at age 13 that I was a rotten mother. Don't all girls realize that their mom's are rotten at age 13, I muddled through, stuck to those mean things like refusing to let my house turn into a drug den. Threw a bong out the window and it broke. Gee, I was SOOOOO abusive. I broke their bong, what a *****. Dad said come party with me in the garage since your mom is such a *****. Mr Cool guy sees them now, but I am scapegoated for all their own failures. I was trying to be a good parent, a parent, not a pall.
Sorry for rant. I wish so much I could stop caring but I cant. Caring hurts,
Our home was loving and caring and had a close & honest relationship with our son. We never had any problems with any of his other girlfriends . Then one day he meets this girl who seemed to be nice at first until she got engaged to our son then everything changed.By this I mean her father who is a recovering alcoholic posts an article on facebook that the grooms parents need to do everything the bride wants. This I found strange but realized what was to come.she made our son quit his job the week after their engagement and move without even getting his condo ready to sell. My husband and I ended painting and cleaning up his Condo. On moving day she sat me down and told me that from that point on we will not be able to have holidays with our son that all holidays will now be with her parents only. She also said that we were to do what she tells us and that's how it was to be. Two weeks before Christmas our son told us we could come to see them and she had nothing to serve us for what was to be our Christmas dinner...she didn't even offer us a glass of water. She even told us that she did nothing for us and the little we had to thank our son. Other times she would make excuses to not allow our son spend any time with us. We ended driving to the East coast as she demanded we meet her grandparents.what a fiasco with her aunt yelling at her grandfather, etc it was horrible....Then she tells us we had to fly at Easter to meet her parents and I mentioned we couldn't do it that weekend but we could fly any other weekend due to doctor appts. I could not miss....she had another drama and meltdowns & gave the look of sheer anger and hatred towards us. I ended driving 76 miles to another Dr office to accommodate her request. The one and only time I called her on the phone to see what I could get for a gift for her stepsister for Easter she had another meltdown as I was told that I was to never phone her. After spending $2600 on airfare, rental car and hotel to meet her parents we find out her mother is at the Betty Ford Clinic for alcoholism. We met with her dad for 8 minutes and during that time he did nothing but insult us by asking personal questions. Her parents are divorced and her father is living with a woman half his age with an illegitimate child. On the drive back to the airport I started to make light conversation with our son and his fiancee to make the best the situation and his fiancee tells me she doesn't feel like listening to anything I had to say. I finally had enough and told her that she has no business telling me that I could not speak;that in our family we allow people to speak. since then our son will not speak to us because she is expecting us to apologize. We told him that we have had it with the way we are being treated by his fiancee . We also said that he will have to give up his family to marry this girl because of the way she has alienated him from us. They treat her family like kings & queens.
Wow, that's horrible! My prayers will include you. I would say your son needs to man up like mine!
I Mama you know I live in South Africa and I have a younger son who we are so proud of. He Met our present daughter in law who also when we met her, seemed everything we wanted for our son. We were however, never to ask her about her family, and my son forbade me. We respected this as they seemed so happy, they then got engaged, and we were only to visit with them on appointments. They then got married and moved away for work puposes 1000 km from us, and then all hell broke loose, My son wrote us a horrible letter, that we must forget about them, and that he was dead.... Imagine my horror, we have tried to speak to him, he blames me for his childhood, he blames me for all his insecurities, and has disowned the whole family. They are both very clever people as they are Scientists. I would have imagined the more literacy the more understanding... However, I keep writing emails, try to phone, fly to the city where they stay, and he will only see me for 1 hour, and will not bring his wife along. He does not phone us for Birthdays, Easter, or Christmas...It does break my hart as I cry alot..... I do not understand why woman of other families behave this way and why they alienate our Sons from their families. After all our gift to them is our most treasured gift our sons. Without us having had our children, and having to give them to persons that supposedly love them, how would they have met them otherwise. It is so difficult being a parent, and it is so difficult not knowing what we have done wrong... every one says it will come right, but I doubt it..... I just do not know what to do any more....I love them so much that it hurts.... You know I am so pleased that I have read your mail as I felt that I was the only person with this problem... Thank you.....
You are definitely not alone. In sharing my story, I have found many many more that have similar stories and each one breaks my heart because I can empathize with them all. Sometimes the hardest step forward can open up a path for others and knowing we are not alone in these situations can help us ease the hurt and loneliness.
If my kids disowned me (which unfortunately will never happen) I would haul *** to Florida or Tahiti. I would be officially free of all obligations in life and I would party down. Of course I would leave them my cell # and I might get around to checking those messages one day. <br />
I have done everything I ever could for my children. My best may have sucked but I gave it my all so.... If they disown me I would have to deal and .......go have a huge great time. I've been parenting for 22 years I could use a break.
reply to jenvice, thank for input. my sons disowned me- hurt like hell and wish to die.
my children disowned me and they are barely in their teens. I gave my parents guardianship a few years ago so I could move to texas get married and eventually get them later. well, worst mistake I made not getting married but given my nearly 80-year old parents guardianship. which was all consentual. anyway, I heard the why would u do that, are you unfit, or what kind of mother would give up her kids, in all essence. we make choices in our life right or wrong we live with that. going over and over in our mind why why why???? will only drive us crazy. about a year ago my daughter who is almost 15 blocked me on her twitter account when I said you need to stop using dirty words/slang, and she blocked me, so I called her and refuse to talk to me, my dad so I cannot force her to talk to you and then my other two daughters eventually disowned me too and they are 11, and 9. anyway I lived only 100 miles as my husband and I do to a job transfer thought it would be great to live near our family and that is when this nonsense started. I would cry/upset and holidays the worse. I got use to it, and yes, I do pay child support, so everytime I get paid that was another reminder you pay/support for your kids the kids that have nothing to do with you. I fought this crazy/horrible feeling for over a year, and my husband and I moved 500 miles to Nashville the best decision we made. I still pay my child support. learn to deal with it figure maybe they come around or not. my parents will not live forever. but let it be their problem not mine. I decided to live my life and holidays share it with my husband and friends, and if children never come around well I did my best. It will not bother me no more like it use too. oh sure, it is not pleasant but I decided to make me happy and hope they have a happy life with me or without me. I need to focus on me, and as I said let that disowned problem be their problem not mine. I guess the best way to deal with it is to make yourself happy. if you let them have the problem they decided to make then it is theirs to have and live with. so it is no longer my dilemma it is theirs. on life goes on with kids/or without you just have to take life one day at a time and move or will will go crazy. for your own life/sanity live for you and let others be.
*****UPDATE*****Almost a year later my answer is the same. I respectfully disgree with people thinking all adult children are the same these days, while I understand how you all feel and I empathize with your pain. Everyone is different and has different experiences and perspectives. My answer isn't "tongue in cheek" it is the God's honest truth. Here's the thing. If my children disrepected me the way you are describing for very long, they could, as a friend of mine would say they could "kiss my New York ***". I was a 24/7 mom. Stayed home raised my family thanks to my children's father's hard work. I home schooled for 7 years. We went to soccer, baseball, and dance and piano lessons endlessly. I worked my *** off to be sane enough to be there for my children for over 2 decades. Now look, if those same children turned out to be spoiled rotten ******** who didn't respect me and disowned me I am not denying it would hurt like hell. But I would definitely show them I am not only parent but a person to be respected and treated with love. I would haul *** to Michigan or Tahiti or whereever the hell I thought I would be happy and go on with my life. My children know this. I have a daughter who tries to treat me the way many of you describe and I have told her" go - be an adult - treat me with love and respect or don't hang out with me. I love you but I am not here to be treated like ****." Admittedly, I am still working on perfecting that and it is a painful process for both of us, but it is working. I see she has grown up a bit already. I have 16 year old twin sons who I went to school with today to talk about how they will both start taking college classes during high school. They have jobs and get honor roll grades. They volunteer. They help their sister with her baby. I have another daughter who is mature adult who has two children. She is a responsible loving adult. She never asks for a dime or anything. She is independent. That was my goal. That is a parent's goal. I thought you were supposed to work yourself out of a job because they are supposed ot grow up love and respect themselves, others, and you; and go off and have their own life. I am very sorry for so many of you who have expereinced separation with your children and the pain that would go along. Everyone has their own story and I am sure you were good parents who deserve better Noone deserves to be disowned as a parent unless they were abusive in the worst ways..... But ....if that happened to me I would go out and do everything I wanted to do that was fun and enjoyable and feel good about being done raising my children. Parenting is a rewarding life activity with a goal. I used to tell my daughter let's work on your issues now while you have me to help because one day you will be all grown up and I won't be parenting you any more. These problems will be your own. I raised my children with the intent of having adults as a finished product someday.
now looking back, i think i did every wrong in raising my kids. i did not abused them but i spoiled them in the worse ways.as a nurse i put in long hours at work but i also made time to take them to private piano lesson, to baseball, to tennis, music, and then to the best colleges.i flew to see them often when they were in college even i am afraid of flying.now one is a docter one is a scientist.i paid for their college.now i am beating mysefl. should not left their father- even in abusing situation- should ve not spoiled them....i am a bad mother.
I didnt mean I was a good mom. I meant I did waht I could even on my wort days which were bad. I am ure you werent a bad mom. And even if you were... we all get who we get as parents I think it is our job as adults to sort through that and grow the hell up!
thank for all wise words. i take them to heart and start my life all over at this late year.but how can i forget them?how can i go on in life?
I hope my answer wasn't taken as harsh., Noone can forget their children nor should they. Honestly, my children are the only reason I am alive today. I haven't live in your shoes and I am not very wise. I just think as a parent we have to set an example to live by. No parent should by disowned (really they can't be) If a person feels that bad about their parent they must feel bad about themselves. I just think there comes a day when a person needs to deal with God or the universe first and own their real problems. That isn't to say a parent shouldnt be lovingly held accountable for their mistakes. However, everyone deserves some peace. You deserve some too.
Exactly what a cool, non-needy, self-respecting parent would say. +1 to you Jen :)
Lol, I will try to adopt that attitude. I felt like the life was sucked out of me. Time to get it back.
Yeah parenthood kicked my *** too. Breastfeeding twins certainly made me feel like the life was being sucked out of me also. As it turned out it was just all my breast tissue and the fact that I got to retain the skin was supposed to be a bonus? I guess the joke was on me.
While literally parenting took all the sanity I had - I have to agree with Bill Cosby when he said 'You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.'
Parenting shouldn't have to be that kind of an experience but for some people it just is.
* My apologies to anyone not up to a light hearted inappropriate comment*
I would be so heart broken that I would have a very hard time trying to face each day. I would cry a lot and begin to hate the holidays because the most important person or people in my life had left me alone. I would find very little joy in life and feel that I don't have much to live for any more and wonder when it would all be over.It would hurt every time something that reminded you of happy times together came into my mind, and to realize that those days were gone forever. I would feel like an empty shell that lost most of my heart and identity and feel like I failed as a parent.<br />
This is how I feel now since my son has disowned me and all of us as a family because his girlfriend decided she didn't like us for one reason or another. We can't see our grandbaby or talk to our son, but they sure didn't have a problem taking our money when they didn't have it - to the tune of around $3,000.00. I don't know what to do.
dear madmamalu, same here,i cry everyday,my 2 sons disowned me ,one is a doctor, one is a scientist.i paid for school and a condo in the sf bay areas.as a nurse 2 worked 2 jobs most my life.now i just sold the house in sacramento areas for 360,000.00. my one son want it so he can buy a bigger house for his and his new wife. other son has not talk ed to me over 6 years- i called him but never get answer.i am broken heart and hurt and despair.i was told because i left his father- got beat up so much-and got them in trouble for filled out lie application for college and deposit stolen $ in their acct.i asked them for forgiveness. i did not intentionly hurt them. i am a verry bad mother. he said.
This will be the first time without my youngest around for the holidays. Can't even talk to her because she just upped and left at 19. STILL tell everyone that I am to blame for everything that went wrong in her life. I cry and cry...the hardest part is not having anyone that is willing to listen or care.
When it doubt, blame your mother.
I will be able to find this out as I disowned my parents for their abusive past and some hard truth I had learned very recently. These parents are not real parents anyway.
I feel lost.<br />
Both my grown up children have disowened me because I left there emotionally abusive father.<br />
My daughter is getting married soon and im excluded from all the things a mother does with her daughter on her special day.<br />
On that day I don'nt know how I will cope.
I hope that things worked out better for you. When my daughter got married, unknown to me, she invited her father and his family. We left them years before because they were so horribly abusive to us. She couldn't even tell me. I went to the ceremony and didn't attend any of the other activities. My oldest daughter blamed me for being cruel and uncaring. I decided that they may be my children, however, they do not have the right to put me in a dangerous situation. It was shortly after that when none of them would even speak to me. The posion is multi generational and it is spreading. If your daughter cared about you the way she should, then she would have included you in the wedding and been proud to do so. Hugssss
Well my kids have disowned me all five and use my grandchildren as tools to hurt me. It all began as a teenager around 14 of an alcoholic. From my very first memory of my father it was a roller coaster ride. Nothing I did was right and it got so bad I just wanted to die. At this point I was 15 and met a man age 22. He made me feel wonderful, soon I was pregnant and married at 16. After having my oldest daughter now 34 he left us. I couldn't grasp what happened to the fairy tail. We got back together and had ower 2nd child also a daughter I was 18. A few years later we had a third daughter now 28. The children were young when he wanted out leaving a young girl- me with three young girls to raise. He always managed to not pay child support so we struggled. My parents did help me allot but it felt like a trap of sorts. My father was very controlling however I took the help for the children best interest. I found out theat my dad was telling me kids bad things about me, "the bad kid" to him. Years went buy and I noticed changes in my children when they came back from their dads. they hated me. After a while we had on and off relationships but they always wanted some thing from me. Daddy had more money!<br />
So you know how that went. Well I did remarry and had two more children. We went through a divorce and he did the same thing the girls father did- buy them, make them hate me and tell them I am crazy. Now my boys are estranged from me too. I am so lost I thought having a big family would be great, we would be close and enjoy the holidays etc. I have four grand children I now can not see. I was living close to them when they were born so they all know and love me and some times through my parents I might sneak a talk on the phone. I try reaching out to them on occasions, tell them I love them, but nothing, no calls or visits I feel lost and helpless to know what to do. Some times I think I am a bad person I have been told that since I was little, my parents tell my kids that too, my ex's tell my kids that too and so here I am just wanting to die. Nothing means any thing to me and I just can not get past it. Am I done. Well 8 yrs ago I married another man and we are doing well. he has two sons age 20 and 18 now. I raised them. Their mother has never stopped making them hate the both of us. I want to move forward and have friends too. but just do not want to die alone and broken hearted. It may be my only way to stop the pain!!!!!!
For the second time in less than a year my son has decided he can stay away and ignore his mom and I. He doesn't call or answer his cell phone that we provide. He's mad because I asked him where my van was that I loaned him. He said I was being nosey in his business. Next thing I know vans parked at my house and phone and battery are under our front door mat. I took the phone back but he ignored me so I left he kept the phone. It's been three weeks now. Last time it was two months he did this. We helped him through a dUI situation, his mom helps him do his laundry, I always take him out to eat, etc etc. he is only twenty and been on his own for about one year now and he's needed money two or three times the bill is over a grand already.
So its about the money then? How about: "Son I am sorry i just don't have the money to loan you but what is going on with you; maybe there is another way I can help?"
That rarely works. All we get is "If you loved me you would give me the money to fix this so i wouldn't be so upset". There is no other solution in their minds. Just give and give and give because that is what we are supposed to do as parents. It's very sad.
My youngest son 33, disowned me 2 years ago. Five years ago he met this girl, she is 6 years younger than him, within a few months she was pregnant. My husband and I welcomed my sons new family. Unfortunately she was very jealous of my relationship with my son. She started to avoid any family gatherings unless it was her family. My granddaughter was born with a skin disorder, as was my eldest son. My son's girlfriend refused to take her to a dermatologist and started treating her from the Internet. My granddaughter had open weeping sores, which is cause for concern for staph infections. Mommy started eliminating certain foods and dairy but nothing worked because it is psoriasis. The poor thing was suffering, I suggested to my son to get her to a dermatologist right away, and he agreed, but then he went home and the girlfriend lost it. She took her engagement ring and stomped it flat and threw it at my son. My son told me about this and I suggested that she not get the ring back, and maybe he should move on. Well he ended up giving it back to her after repairing it. On Christmas Eve my son graduated from college and my husband and I had helped him financially, which we offered to do. Instead of a celebration the girlfriend tried to run him over in front of my granddaughter right in front of my house, because she didn't want to come in the house because we are nothing but drunks. I like my wine but not on a daily basis. She left him there all night and refused to answer her cell phone. Since then she has told me that age doesn't get you respect but she demands that I respect her. Not happening. My son has this girlfriend who does not work, but wants the best of everything. My son the doormat has disowned me because he has his own family and if he wants to keep it he will not associate with me. I do not get to see my granddaughter at all, and to make matters more heart breaking they had a son a few months ago. I've tried to text him but he never answers. Luckily I have another son who loves me.....but always this horror is on my mind, I've cried buckets of tears, my heart is broken. What makes these young women so disrespectful and hard???.
I have two boys and when they were younger, we were always away at weekends, running them to cubs then scouts, football, They are now in their thirties, and my eldest son is now living with, I think, a narcissistic. (I discovered that word on here and looked it up)<br />
I have spent many hours lying awake at night analysing, and alarm bells started ringing very early on. She told me my son was not interested in her at the beginning, but that she fell in love with him the first time she saw him and thought "I am going to have him" She also said that her grandmother left all the other Grand children money, but not her, and she didn't know why. As a Grandmother, they would have to do something very bad for me to even consider leaving them out of my will.<br />
She pretends to be very shy and says everything is "embarrassing" she only ever had one job which she picked up from work experience. She has now packed up work, and "working" for my son who is earning a fortune.<br />
I think this girl manipulates to the point that my son will not have anything to do with me now. I was determined she would not come between us, but slowly she has got her own way. I would ring my son, and tell him that I loved him. I tried to tell him she was manipulating him, but he got angry. <br />
Before the bank holiday weekend, I sent my son a text simply saying "Have a lovely weekend" and got no reply. I rang him again before I went on holiday, and asked if he received my text. He said he had, and when I said "I wondered because you didn't reply" he simply said "You are hassling me Mum" I was so shocked and upset. I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me too. I deliberately have not rung him, but he has not even sent me a text to see how I am. That was nearly two months ago.<br />
I am devastated.....My son has fallen out with his Father, Brother, and now me.....and there is nothing I can do about it. Writing here has helped me to see that I am not alone., but it still hurts like hell, and I am really fighting depression. I lost another son at 8 weeks from a cot death, and I feel that I have lost another one. When I told my son this, he accused me of emotional blackmail.<br />
Thank you for taking time to read this.
Wow I guess there are a lot of parents who have done their best to raise their children and be there for them. Then when they become adults, they don't have time for their parents. Yes, I am experiencing that also. For my youngest daughter who is 45 years old I think she is angry about my values. When she is angry with me she yells and screams at me. This just happened on this past Mother's day when I spent time with her. I guess she wants me to agree that it is okay for her daughter to sleep with her boyfriend. If my granddaughter wants to do that it is up to her but I am not going to say it is okay. She screamed at me and stated that if it is not biblical according to me it is wrong. She then told me to get out of her house which I did. I am going to stand firm on my values. Thanks for listening.
My son disowned me three years ago and never has given me a reason why. I think those of us who have been disowned feel the same pain and ask the same questions of ourselves - What could I have done wrong? How did this come to be? Do I deserve this treatment? <br />
And although I know in my mind that I did nothing wrong and that I don't deserve this, the hurt and anger is still there. When you give your love so freely to a child, when you know you gave up things or did what had to be done to give them a better life or at least a good life, then only to be shunned by your own son...it hurts deep. It's a pain that will never mend. It's not the pain of a lover lost because those we know come and go. But we are taught the love of a mother to be unconditional and therefore expect the love from a child back to also be longlived and never foresee that it too can end.