I am confused. Please see details below as it's too much to ask here...
Some time ago a friend reconnected with me after two years of silence. There had been no breakdown in our friendship, but she had met this guy and he didn't want her to be in contact with her friends. Needless to say, things between them have gotten worse over the last year. Recently she decided she couldn't take anymore and grabbed a bag and came to our home. She arrived an emotional wreck. Things had escalated and he had blamed her of cheating on him etc...the final blow was when he invited her to a cemetary where "all those he loved" are so they could talk. Thankfully she saw the red flag and didn't go. She was attending counselling and making plans to get her stuff from their house, she was doing fairly well. Then she sent him a text message. This opened the door for him and because of his mental illness, it has escalated yet again even though she isn't at his place. She now realizes that she made another mistake by letting this happen. What can I do to help her?I appreciate all the wonderful answers, there has been more since I first posted. Starting two days after the post, he really got to her. Said all the right things that abusers do and almost had her convinced to go back. When she came crying to hubby and I, hubby retreated and I said to her that we were not enabling her any more. She had two choices, black and white, either go back there and I would help her daughter after she lost her mother, or leave the ***, sever communication and move on. She was still looking through rose colored glasses and thought he would be so cooperative. It was only when he told her that she HAD already taken her stuff, indicating that he was keeping everything else, and that if she came "home" he would never let her leave again, that she woke up somewhat. Last night a plan was made to contact a lawyer this morning, change her cell number, and immediately block him on social media (which she did along with his friends who are not safe.) I just couldn't understand how someone could cry abuse and then play a game like that. I told her that we wouldn't enable her any further and she didn't need to put US in danger either. Let's hope she sticks to her choice this time. Thanks everyone =)
There has been some more activity since my last post. I am delighted to tell all of those that offered suggestions and support for me, that she has cut all ties with this nut bar and is in the process of getting her stuff out of there and moving forward with her life. I realized she needed more than my help when she had 6 counsellors involved and was using one's advice against the other. That has all been stopped. She goes to counselling for abused women, has read some great self help books and decided that all the right words that he has said in the past were for the wrong reasons. Again, thanks so very much to all those that responded and helped with this issue, you are a great bunch of people and I thank you from the bottom of my heart! Tess <3
11 Answers to "I am confused. Please see details below as it's too much to ask here..."
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Help keep her as far away from him as possible. She (depending upon which area or State you live in)could get a restraining order from a judge which forbids him from coming within a certain distance of her. But it does little good if he is determined to, God forbid, do her bodily harm. She may have to get a new phone, new computer or have her hard drive changed and move to a place far away from him. People like him are very savvy. Never talk on her telephone to him. She needs to buy disposable ones. AFter talking to him, remove the battery and toss it and then toss the case. Maybe costly, but her life is worth it. Help her all you can. Also, your avatar is beautiful.
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Hi Callalily, we tried all the pep talks etc...I explained to her that he is like a drug to her and by responding she is opening a door for him and he will definitely take advantage in that respect. She has shut the GPS device off on her phone and is getting her number changed this morning. She underestimated him a whole bunch and almost got sucked back in because of it. She now realizes the danger of what she did, or so she says, so we'll see from there. Thanks for the comment about my avatar! If you know how close this looks to me in reality, you would be surprised. I was very lucky to find it and amazed that I could actually copy and paste it here. Have a great day =)
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The fact that she "saw the red flag" is very encouraging. Remind her always of what she has been through if you continue to help her. I hope you will just simply know when you can't help her save herself anymore like if you see he might be dangerous to you as well as to her. There are women's groups and organizations out there to give her support. You can't be her only saftey net. I admire you for trying to help her out of that mess. If she decides to return to it there's really not much you can do.
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Abuse victims tend to get "brainwashed" so to speak. The only thing you can do is be as supporting as you can until the fog has completely dissipated from her brain.
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Tell her to read: The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. If she had read this book, she would never have sent that text message.
Like most abuse victims, she is still under his spell to some extent. Any communication she has with him will draw her back into his web. From what you've posted, he is a dangerous person. If she values her life, tell her to stop communicating with him. And read the book!Like (1)
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Thank you so much for the book title and author, as I too don't believe she fully knows the danger she's dealing with here. I totally agree that he's dangerous! I will get her to pick up that book and read it. Thanks so much =)
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Tell her to end all communication with him.....the end.
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call the cops and throw away her cell phone. tell her if she ever contacts him again you're through with her. give her a week to find a safe shelter. then follow through.
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I think it might help to let her stay at your house, and help her get back on her feet. Don't make her feel guilty or anything, say these things happen sometimes and sometimes people don't show their stripes til you've known them awhile and everyone makes mistakes, and it's good she is leaving him and protecting herself. I don't know as I've never been in that situation but I think that could help her.
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Sit her down and talk with her,be her friend,tell her everything is going to be ok with out him.Do for her what you would want done for you in a similar situation.Good that she still has you as a friend.
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Can't live her life for her, she has to make her own mistakes and decisions. All you can really do is just keep on being a friend.
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Just be there for her but she needs to step up her personal security, this man sounds as if he could be dangerous.
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Best Answer (Chosen by Voting):
Posted by ThreeMarys May 27th, 2011 at 3:29PM
Get deadbolts for your door if you plan on having her still at your home, your putting yourself in danger by allowing these TWO Sick people in.. shes not going to stop and he will escalate to something even worse.. Get a gun.. and keep it close..
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