what an ugly thing to live with. ok, he is probably looking at these women to make you feel insecure. it does not matter why, though. in all honesty, we ALL notice when other people are attractive, that is just human. humans are beautiful.... however, we can choose to think to ourselves,"he/she is really hot. nice boobs or butt or shoulders. cool". then look away and all is well. or we can look and allow ourselves to fantasize and become aroused with these people, which is where the betrayal of adultering spouses comes in toward thier spouse and toward God.
in committing to marriage, he vowed to forsake all others. that means others in magazines, movies, real life. Jesus said," He who looketh on another woman to lust after her hath already committed adultery in his heart".
in committing to marriage, he vowed to take care of you and love you. he is faltering here as well.
you need to talk with him, tell him(with hurt in your eyes, not anger... but NOT CRYING) that you married him because you believed in the sacred union of marriage and wanted to share that with him always. ask if he knows what the sacred union of marriage is supposed to look like or be. then talk about it calmly.
ask lovingly, "do you still want to be married to me?" tell him to PLEASE take his time thinking about it. if he says he does want to, tell him you will be expecting alot more from him to prove it through his actions. he needs to care about the sacred promise you both made, and about your feelings. then discuss what you need from him, and if he wants to be married he will change. if he does not change, you know he does not REALLY want to be married to you. and if he says no, you know what to do.
I am sorry this is going on in your marriage. but I have faith that things can really get better... with or without him. You have to respect yourself, and demand the same from him. zero tolerance...show him you mean business. If he does not change, just tell him calmly that if he is over it enough to not change, that you are over it enough to leave. tough love is usually the only thing that will work for someone if thier heart is hardened. if his heart is not hardened, then maybe he will come around quickly, but you have got to put your foot down with your actions. nagging him or crying won't really work.
Out of everything you posted...my biggest concern is your last sentence...."you always felt you made a mistake marrying him".....That should tell you what to do....Obviously, something is wrong...your gut is trying to tell you something.
He is being very disrespectful of you, to do this in front of you....I, personally, have dealt with this, too....The worst part is, you see him do it....you mention it to him, then he denies it....like you don't know what you're talking about....
You need to decide if this is something you can/want to deal with for the rest of your married life....answer it honestly, and you'll have your answer....Good luck to you.
Turn the tables and gawp at all the handsome men. Even if there are none, pretend and see your husband's reaction. How does he like it now?
There's nothing really wrong with him looking at other pretty women or even fantasizing about having sex with them. Would you be upset if he pleasured himself to a pornographic video of a woman? In his mind, he's imagining he's having sex with these women. Just because he fantasizes of a little variety doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want to be with you. If he treats you well, maybe your worries are more of an insecurity. My husband has looked at other women and has even admitted being attracted. I've given him passes to have sex before and he has never left me, only made him love me more and make things more exciting. Just because he enjoys physical romps doesn't mean he doesn't love me. He loves me even more for bring confident in our marriage enough to let him enjoy and I enjoy knowing he's happy.
If you are married then you shoud have enough respect for yourself first not to look at other people, if a person is in your view, you have a choice. It takes guts and self disapline to respect yourself and your mate. Not to mention the person you are looking at.
I think all this "it's natural" crap is bull. Women who believe this are the one's making men think it's ok for them to look and ok for them to think other women are attractive.
Do what I do-----start looking at other MEN heh heh heh
WOW!!! You sound like my girlfriend... I love to look at women. I don't look at them in a wanting or lustful way at all I just like to look... I don't love my girlfriend any less when I look at a pretty woman. Even though I ended up with someone who I don't think is the prettiest woman in the world, we get along great and she is a very normal woman compared to most in my past. I am happy with her and I know she loves me very much... That is all I need and all I want. I wouldn't even want the hassle of starting over with someone... But I still like to look, and now since she has brought it to my attention it seems unintentionally I look even more....Hmmm I can't figure that out I don't try to do it to be mean to her in any way in fact I wish I could stop looking but I can't.... As long as he loves you don't put so much emphasis on it,
next time when you look, please bear two images in mind:
1. the sadness in her eye knowing you are looking, but can't do anything about it over a dinner table in a resturant
2. the quiet tears running down her face when you two are back-to-back in the bed when you are fast asleep, the thought of you looking at others thinking they are prettier which goes through her mind
wow I must say something stands out about your post, unsure if you may see this since you posted a few years ago. 'Even though I ended up with a women I dont thinks is the prettiest woman in the world' your girlfriend deserves better, I hope she found a man that thinks she is the prettiest woman in the world...
@pastispast. i am ccurrently going through this and that is exactly how i feel and what happens
so true! I've lived with this for the past 5 years of my marriage. Every time I see him look at other women I cry inside, deeply hurt and insulted.
Believe in yourself and the marriage, but if he proves that your love and faithfulness is wasted, hold your head high as you kick his sorry behind out.
Good luck and love.
I'm inclined to agree with many others on this as well, especially Robbo21 answer. We do have control over what we do with ourselves, but where our minds and emotions go are somewhat spurilous on occasion. It would seem that he hasn't acted on his impulses, but like the stock market, there is no gaurantee of future success and the right conditions.
What it really comes down to is "Do you trust him?" and if you do, then whether he looks while you're standing there or far away in another state will determine how you feel about him both now and after some other female piques his passing interest.
I have had this experience and from what I've learned, is that men don't place a very emotional connection on looking. In his mind, looking at other women is just that, looking. You can confront him and then the behavior becomes a game as one responder said. Or you can ignore said behavior at the cost of your feelings. Again, do you trust him?And do you believe he would do the right thing even if he were tempted?
Men are pigs!! No lie you can have a nice body and have sex 24/7 with him it doesn't change a thing!! Their little head does all the thinking instead of their head with the brain!! I talked my husband about my insecurities I doesn't help!! When u point out to them why they were checking out that girl they all of a sudden don't remember!! Ya I'm insecure and no my husband doesn't care!!
I believe people always use the excuse that that is the way men are. It's like "boys will be boys." Biblically, it's wrong. I believe that God made the man the stronger sex and as such he should be in control of himself. When one is in a committed relationship, no excuses. Be a man. The man you made a vow to be. Don't cower into society's excuses. This only gives men more power to step all over the woman they vowed to protect, to take care of. What message is he sending to his family by behaving this way? He's supposed to set an example.
It is a terrible thing to live with and I don't believe that one really comes back from it, especially if he is constantly doing it.
I go through the same thing, I have told him time and time again how it makes me feel, usually he denies it and says hes looking at something else, like a building, sign or car etc, then he started actually admitting it, I am over weight and very self concious about this as it is and so i asked him if i was to loose weight would he stop looking at other girls like he does and he said he don't know, he don't have an answer for me on this and don't have an answer as to why he does that or what it is that he is particulair looking at or for?
get a life and stop trying to be dr.phil
Wow, I think a man's perspective is definitely needed here. Look ladies, (not all here, but most,) Not all men that "glance," "gaze." There is a big difference. Fact of the matter is that men look at things the same. "Wow, nice car," "Wow, nice house," Wow, nice looking lady," but that's it. Now there are those exceptions. Not all men are in the same category. I like how one poster put it: 'he comes home to you, he takes care of you......etc...' There is an ever debate on "how long is too long to look" anyone who says if you look at all it's to long is not being realistic or rational. Ladies, we don't look for "replacement" reasons or "lustful" reasons, most of the time it's a "caught our eye" reason. That'd be like a man dressed in a speedo, runs down the center of the mall, are we to be unreasonable to say you wouldn't look? Come on. Like I said, there are those men who are dogs, where your feelings are valid, but again, don't throw us all in the same category. Fact is, men are visual creatures, not automatically "physical" with those visuals. Be it known that a man's glance does cross the line when it becomes a stare. And please don't take this as an offense to some, but let's look at what you are upset about your guy looking at? If the woman is small, beautiful, nice hair, body etc..... you have a huge problem with that. Now imagine that woman of considerable size, not easy on the eyes, where are your thoughts? I'd be willing to bet that you would both take in that view and make some comments together.. Point is, your insecurity is specific when you act like it's general. It really boils down to insecurity, which is destructive to any marriage. For those who commented on understanding it's a guys nature to look at everything, you nailed it. Look, again, there is a difference between a glance and a gaze. Don't punish your guy for a glance, but call him to the carpet on a gaze. I've been married to a beautiful, absolutely wonderful wife/mother for 14 years as well, she too is older than me by 8 years. We go through this as well. Ladies, it's not giving in, it's not making something out of nothing. Remember: Glance = OK / Gaze = smack him :) But if you don't trust your guy, you have a long life of misery ahead of you.
my husband does this all the time, and denies it, i am recovering from an eating disorder. he told me he hated me that way but i am believing i was wrong. he looks at really thin girls allthe time and i catch him making cracks about my weight to others. im not overweight but nomal weight now, i am struggling to be ok with it, its hard not to just drop back tomy anorexic weight. he is such a phony. he was proud of me when iwas stick thin. but i love him with all my heart and he lies. and will never admit to this. so i feel like nothing.and sad
I am having this same problem with my fiance, everytime I bring it up, he says " I look at everyone". It really hurts me and I think about it all the time. I feel so disrespected
I recently told my husband of 21 years that I will talk to the woman that he is staring at. I will tell er that she can take my seat in the car and I can now leave. I will tel the woman that she can have him and I will leave. Obviously he want more. Every woman in a skirt he stares at. I am almost free.Ha Ha
I truly understand how u feel. My husband makes me feel the same way. Sometimes I would just leave and walk off when I see him looking at someone else and then he ends up running behind me asking me whats wrong then when I tell him he denies it and say it was just a "glance" he wasnt intentionally doing it but then there where times when I caught him look at someone hips or something and when I look at him and shake my head he stops looking at them and start talking to me. My advice to you is this,first PRAY to GOD and ask him to give u strength so that u can continue to be that loving and devoted wife.Ask God to take away everything that is not like Him out of your marriage and to work on the both of you. Some men say that men are going to be men which is true but if he really loves you like he say he do then he will try to work on himself. I truly believe that after 14 years of marriage, although he looks at other women, Im not saying its ok to let him look because its not, but after 14 years of marriage you really have nothing to worry about. If he doesn't have pictures of other women in his wallet or phone, getting females phone numbers, going to females houses, having an affair going on, or any manner like that then dont worry about it. Just think he comes home to you, taking care of you and the household,spending his money on you,making love to you,and constantly letting you know how blessed he is just to have a beautiful woman by his side then dont worry hold your head up and continue to be just that. Believe me, Im going through the same thing but I had to look at the good things and not think so much about him looking. Try not to think about it, if you see it happen then walk off but at the same time talk to your husband and let him know how you truly feel about it dont do it in anger but do it as calm as possible. I know its a hard thing to deal with seeing the one you love looking at others, but prayer and God's strength is what keeping me together and making the marriage much smoother. I'm going to keep you two in my prayers and pray that God will destroy the works of he enemy and move on your behalf. Also, remember that after 14 years he is still married to you, he is still devoted to you, he is still taking care of you, he is still loving you, he is still with you. Dont give the devil room to get in your mind, when negative thoughts began to come to your mind and all you can think of is him looking at females,block it out by telling the devil that you rebuke him in the name of JESUS and that he will not have your marriage because God got it under control. You stay strong and be encouraged. I pray many,many blessings for your marriage and just know that everything is going to be alright. Be Blessed!!!! :)
It is not okay to stare at other women for more than a few seconds and to stare at one all the time is not on. It is destructive. Men need to realise that they are to treasure the right woman as if she is the prettiest on earth to them. If they can not do that then it is better that the woman is with someone who can appreciate her in that way.