I did not read your story (sorry) but you are obviously curious for information, whether you will hate him more knowing it is another thing. Same thing I guess that some adopted children feel, they want to know where they came from, who their natural parents are.
You will go through periods in your life like this. I did it with my mom. However, I had many valid reasons. I see things as adult that I couldn't see as a kid. I feel sorry for her in someways. SHe is the lonely the mother I have and we are now friends.
You can't eat your cake and have it too.
If you hate, you still care. Only when you feel indifferent will he not matter.
because u r still his daughter!!
I hate my mother's bf whom she's been with for 18 years.. Don't want anything to do with him either.. But I am still curious as to what he is doing because what he does still affects my mom and little sisters. I am quite protective of them... Curiosity is a natural thing.. maybe you simply wish to know if he has ever changed~
Because you don't hate him, and some part of you knows it.
My Dad left when I was 12. I was glad he went ( he was violent) but I still thought about him from time to time. I think it's normal.