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My daughter and I used to be quite close, in a way were best friends. It has been a difficult last few years very many tansitions. Both of us are dealing with a lot of stuff healthwise and family/friend wise.Lots of losses, especially in the family dept for my kid. For me she is my main family and it has been hellish to deal with her separating from me, *ETC*. I am single and so I have very minimal support. I do attend a parenting support group. I guess I am the only constant thing in her life, although you woudn't know it by the hostile way she is with me most of the time. Frankly, being a parent has been the definig role in my life, the role which has brough me great pride, joy, fulfillment and structure. *I seem to be really stuggling with my identity, so it is an existential crisis in my life that is for sure!* Thanks all :)
lunadelobos lunadelobos 41-45 22 Answers Jan 6, 2013 in Parenting & Family

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being a parent is not the same thing as being a friend



all teenagers rebel against their parents in some way - it is the natural order of things - this just means the relationship is changing, not over

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Thanks, I realize that. It's just that I have no personal reference point from when I was young, it was a different experience for me for many different rasons. That is not to imply I was close with my perents when I was her age, not at all. Do you have kids too?

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not of my own, i teach and counsel teens though

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Ok cool :)

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The fact that it took as long as it did (her being 16 YO) is amazing. This always happens. If other parents say it hasn't they are lying to you and themselves. At 16 you cannot be their friend and they need you to be the hard line in terms of limits. She could get extremely vicious at times. This is common and few parents admit it making us feel like we have given birth to some sort of evil child but behind closed doors they are all doing the same thing your daughter is doing. It will all come full circle. My daughter took a long time to come back. She was in her late twenties but that is longer then normal. You are not at fault!!!! I promise!!

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Thank you so much for the comment and saying
* you are not at fault!!!! I promise!! *.
I really do apprciate that :).
Wow! Late 20's huh?... I commend you for your resilience, patience and dedication.
I have this deep rooted feeling that in order for me to 'surive' all of this tumult, I will have to change some things about my self. Undoubtedly more than I bargained for :)

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It has been said few times up You are not her friend you are her parent. In a way she is maybe expecting this authority figure (ok here I do not mean the "Dictator" figure or the "Mollestor") but a sort of "anchor" in her life that do not do what she want but do what is best for her. She maybe not appreciating now but it will help shaping her ownself (hopefully) and she will recognised that later. If you show now that you are upset by the fact she is not her friend anymore then you are potentially putting yourself at the same level than a lots of her friends in her teenage friend circle (high turn-over rate of in and out maybe?). Whatever will happen you will stay her parent.



On the other hand, if you have some personal issues I would suggest you address that with a profesional (there is nothing wrong with that) and you open to your daugther about those issues to a minimum (use the profesional help for that). Remember you are an "anchor" not perfect but you are the authority.



When I was a teenager, I was quite against my dad (ok I come from a sort of dysfunctional family but like most of the fam they are all a bit dysfunctional) anyway around 20ish I turn into an adult and he was my dad, the person I can count on as a dad. I lost him 10 years ago but he often pop in my head when I have trouble in a given situation, he was this anchor and I think what he would do if he was in that situation. Anyway good luck!

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Thank you for your comment.
I am a person who does my best to keep the parent / child boundaries. While it is nice to be childlike in some circumstances, I try hard to be the adult when parenting is concerned.
As for myself I have a therapist.

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I am sure you are doing good simply continue. I am myself a parent of a 4years old girl, yesterday she was sick and anything I was doing was simply upseting her, I got a bit upset myself about it too :) We are parents and we are doing our best.

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Yes! :)
I think my expectations may be set a bit high which means they are not realistic and that's just a trap for myself.
I don't need more pain I need encouragement, strength and reminders that I am ok and I am a decent >good parent.
It is so hard when they are sick. I hope your daughter gets weel soon :).

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thanks for the words! yup I can tell that she is on the right side of the slope.

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Maybe she needs some time alone. I mean, I get on great with my parents, not to like a friends open relationship however but sometimes I prefer not to talk to them about things.



When times get real bad though, people eventually come together for a solid supported structure.

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Thank you :) It's great you are all cose!!!

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There IS and always will be a bond.:)

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Thanks :)

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Give her time, she will realise in time how special your relationship is and ill be stronger than ever, the teenage years are hard on all and an extremely confusing time

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I love your ansewer, very kind and comforting :)! Thank you. I really really really hope it will pan out the way you paint it all :D

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She'll come round when she is older. Don't sweat it. Don't stop being mom. I'm sure you'll do a great job!

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Teenage girls are tough on their moms. You have many years to look forward to. Hold on to that!

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Thank you :). I try. I get labelled phycho mom a lot, and those are the *good* things I am called ;)
I don't know how not to sweat things. It's as though stressing is in my nature. Well crab/cancer people are super sensitive in general...lol

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ok dokie...I am not great at future projecitons :P...I do tend to wallow in things hower. I need to focus on the bigger whole, but again I have my own health issues and so on and it's all very disconcerting to say the least :)

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It's just hormones. Give her some space and time. She'll come crawling back to you. :)

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Oh wow you make it sound so nice :) *space and time* I guess she is just carving out what needs to be carved to suit her needs. I seem to have minimal say in those matters.
The more intelligent is the person and perseptive the harder it is for them to individuate perhaps. The sense too much and it can almost be a burden. So I suppose I do sort of understand. I just have to glance back at myself her age.
It is hard to do so.

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Well, every teenager has issues with their parents, it's quite normal. My mom and I are complete opposites and have never seen eye to eye my entire life. Once she gets older I'm sure she'll grow out of it and you'll be best friends again. This stage is what most teens go through and I assure you, it's only temporary

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Oh gosh thank you for the assurances :)! I sure hope is it only temporary I am having major difficulties. On the flip side of things all of this is compelling me to get out and do stuff for myself even it it almost kills me O_o...

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Well almost killing yourself isn't that great either :O But you can try and find things you have in common with her without being too pushy (to her). It helps sometimes to find a common topic to talk about. Maybe some old memories of somewhere you two went together, or an old loved one or something that she wouldn't be able to turn into "Mom stop bothering me!" or "Oh my gosh mom just leave me alone already!" just try and talk to her more without trying too often.

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I never thought it was a moms place to be friends with their children in the first place. So good for you, even though that is not what you wanted.

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Haha yeah well it sucks :P! We used to have a relationship not it's in tatters! Like she took the book of parenting I wrote and just incinerated it to ashes. Thank you for posting.

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just be patient - teenagers go through phases like this - she will get over it & you will be her best friend again. Just give her a little space to be herself :)

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Thanks and sorry but patence was never one of my fortes lol.
Space is what she has taken anyhow, she not home very much now adays.

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Sorry to hear that - hope it works out for you :)

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Thank you so much. I hope it works out for the both of us; she is a great kid and person and I wish I could take away the buren of some of the stuff she has endured.

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Been through that with my girls not so long ago - they seem to have come out the other side! :)

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That is so awesome, I am very happy for all of you!! :D

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Some peoples moms are like mothers to them

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what ?

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Keep the channels of communication open with her no matter what she does. Listen to her about general, arbitrary stuff and ask her about her interests as in "how are things with xyz. She, like you, may be questioning her place in life, dealing with peer pressure, etc and wanting to establish her own mark in her own world. Allow her that space, and just stay in touch as a mother with love and kindness. Mothers hold their little ones while they scream.. and hold their older ones through quiet tims. I'm sure she has plenty of friends but she has only ONE mother. So be there as a mother, with gentle encouragement and support, and this too shall pass. Good luck

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the tuning of children must start from childhood. you gave lot of leniency. you have not maintained certain social boundaries, present youth is drastically hypnotized/carried away by teen age. accept the change and give some tolerance for recovery.

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i reckon be more parent than a friend because us teens don't like that

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so you mean to be stable , constant, reliable and unyielding ?:) lol..yes i am that.

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