Love your growing body, it will help you back. <br />
Learn to touch and respect food, fresh , unprocessed food.<br />
Don't get into a bubble.
You will only gain weight that way. Your body gets starved and then when you finally feed it, it goes into conservation mode and stores what you eat because it doesn't know when it will next get a meal.
I'm not going to tell you to fix yourself or that what you'r doing is going to kill you because you already know these things. I am pro-ana but would never recomend this as treatment for a battered soul. I believe that we have control over what we do to our bodys and what we put in them or should I say don't put in them. <br />
If this is the way you want to be then that's what your going to do. I never had someone to try and help me get better, mainly cuz no one cared enough to help me and I didn't want help in the first place. <br />
all I can say is that I'm here for you and will keep you in my prayers in hopes that you find what it is in life that your looking for.
So, this is not self image driven. The food being evil usually starts as rejection by a parent at a young age. It gets related to a comment like "you're too big to sit on my lap" or be carried or something similar so this is seen as the source of the problem. There's also the violent outburst from a parent when you don't want to eat something, I had that one for a while. I was made to eat something that I insisted had gone bad, there was no checking by the parent and was threatened to eat it. Finally said parent got upset and threw it at the wall, when the smell filled the room it was definitely known to be bad, but by then it had been an hour or two of screaming and threats(3yrs). Given your description of home life, a lot of stuff did fail, but it wasn't you. Things are harder now, but they do get better. Self harm and self hate comes from guilt. If you feel guilty it means you do care about other people and that means you're a good person that doesn't deserve such treatment.<br />
As to the understanding part, a good deal of my friends have had eating disorders, were cutters and similar things. Think I gravitate towards the afflicted(or them to me) because I am also a damaged near birth type as well. My first memory is being responsible for the accidental death of the girl next door who was my age (2). Parents chose to pretend that nothing happened at all. I stopped talking for several months after that. About 6 months after that I was molested by an uncle. Same deal about pretending nothing happened. I won't go on about everything, that would really suck, but I did have a rough start for sure.<br />
When details are not forthcoming fishing is required, this can apply to you as well if you have no idea where any of this is coming from. Remember that you are a person with thoughts and feelings, you are not just your thoughts and feelings.
Don't let your disease become your identity.<br />
Tell the person clodest to you that your eating disorder has got out of control. Get help immediately.<br />