Showing your kids that having an affair is better than getting a divorce?
Speaking from experience as a victim of an affair by a husband who's father also had affairs, having an affair is far more devastating to your chidren than getting a divorce. Yes, they will find out. Yes, they will lose their admiration for you and there world will be turned upside down by your ability to lie and cheat. Yes, it will effect their ability to open themselves to real love and to trust their partners. Yes, at least one child will probably have an affair when they are married as well because of imprint your experience had on them. You need to be brave and strong and go to counseling and if that doesn't help, get a divorce. One of my sons is in ongoing counseling because of my husband's affair. The other is acting "stoic" and I am very concerned that he won't thoroughly work it out. We tried to hide it from them, but it turned out they found evidence months before I did and kept it from me because they knew how devastated I would be. My husband cries many mornings on the way to work over the loss of respect of his sons. He has to live with what he did forever. I try to comfort him, but I have lost my admiration and adoration for him as well. I'm trying to stay in the marriage that he now realizes means so much to him, but I don't think I can love the person I now realize he is. See, before I thought he was a genuinely kind and caring person. That's why I fell in love with him.<br />
Also, until you talk it out, maybe with a counselor, are you sure you two aren't in love? It turns out my husband transferred the unhappiness with his stagnant career to his marriage. He confused his unhappiness with himself, which caused him to get annoyed with everything, with falling out of love with me. I found his grouchiness very unsexy and wasn't that turned on by him much anymore. Everytime I asked him to talk to me about what was wrong, he would mumble something lame, or just "Nothing". One day his eyes just opened, but it was too late, the damage was done. Maybe you two aren't really in a loveless marriage. I wish I had dragged him to counseling before he did something he now regrets.
It’s all about you, isn’t it! Who cares what the consequences may be, got to have “fun”; got to live for myself! people like you make me sick!!!
You need a good kick in the arse is what you need. I agree with MrBrownstone and rikrak!<br />
It's better that you stay married without cheating. How come working on your marriage isn't one of your options? That would be the number one thing!
If you have an affair, then you are a betrayer. Period. Is that the way you want your children to think about you? Affairs are almost always found out. They hurt your wife....they hurt the woman that is the mistress....they hurt your children.....they hurt you, because you will always be seen and known as a cheater. Either decide you are IN the marriage or OUT of it. Don't use people because you are unhappy. The idea that you must stay in a marriage "for the children" is interesting, since having an affair effectively nullifies the marriage anyway. Even if your wife agreed to having an affair of her own, the whole idea of affairs is selfish. <br />
There are many ways to stay in your kids' lives while being honest and respectful to your exwife. It sounds as if you might get along better as amicable exes than as married liars.
Been there, bought the T shirt. Be very careful if you value your family. I sympathise entirly as I was and still am in a similar situation. Its not easy I know but if you want to keep it from the kids then dont do it. Try a call girl and if you find a good one it may help although it wont cure the situation. Good luck.
i need to have an affair ? why do u think anyone would like to have an affair with u ? had u been good for anyone else .. u would have been good for ur wife too. and u guys would have had an happy marriage! i believe u are unhappy and u need someone to listen to u and talk you out of ur pain , but this is not the way go about it. find some friends who understand, who can explain and who can help. and most important is talk about this to ur wife, coz our suggestions really dont matter. what if we voted yes for an affair.. wud u go for it ? u might .. but what if we vote " no " .. i m sure u wud still go for it. coz this is premeditated move of urs. boss ! one thing for sure .. either ways ur kids gonna suffer for the kind of thoughts u possess will show on ur face , and no one likes a sad face around them. coming to affairs, u might just strike it with someone gorgeous someday .. for no reason at all. and when there are no reasons as to why u like someone other than ur wife .. it may well be held for love. but to have an affair coz u r unhappy and wanting it desperately just means cheating big time ! dude , relax, solve it out in ur head first ! u dont want to hate urself for being someone what you are actually not ! You shouldn't for the sake of it ! and if u r so unhappy , u should just take care of everything else , get divorced , find someone compatible and live a life without a challenge. it takes guts to make something work and marriage is the gutsiest thing one can ever attempt. face it , be a man !
What is devastating to some children is an unhappy mother and an unhappy mother/father relationship. If the parents are unhappy, alot of times the children are too. It would be unusual for the children to not be aware of your unhappiness. <br />
The focus should not be on having an affair, but on settling your differences with your husband. It is best to get a divorce (if thats what's best for your family) and then, pursue romantic interests. Having an affair now will only complicate an already chaotic situation.
no..but I can understand how you feel...
Have you spoken to your wife? You cannot cheat, you need to leave, it's better for the kids than living in a house of lies..
I do too-what I do is sneak away and put my right hand behhind my back and use my left instead-very sneaky-other than that I with you on that one!
The fact that you are asking this question, means you are doubting. When you doubt, don't do it.<br />
But in my honest opinion: no, don't do it. It is fun for a while (all the excitement, the thrill of forbidden fruit etc. - yes it can be addictive), but you are going to hate yourself afterwards, believe me - nevermind the pain you are going to bring to your children - who you clearly care a lot about. It is just not worth it.<br />
If you are so much unhappy in you marriage and have tried everything possible to save it, it is better to dissolve it. Not even children want to stay with parents who are unhappy with each other - it rubs off on them too, you know. Remember, whatever you do: there will be tears. Stay and make it work or leave. It is your choice, but none is easy. Good luck.
I know this question is over two years old and my response won't be noticed by anyone of consequence or who cares in the least, but, regardless, I must answer. <br />
If you want to have an affair and can live with doing so without feeling you have to go whining to your wife about it and totally ******* up her day, then go for. IF you get caught, it is because you aren't smart enough to use a modicum of discretion.<br />
Now for the real reason I answered this question. To all of you "well meaning, self important, moralizing, self indulgent" people out there who condemn you and say that it will practically institutionalize your children when you are caught, that it will cause them to lose their respect for you, that it will cause them to undergo many, many years of psychological treatment, that they will become "stoic", whatever the hell that means, you are off your ******* beans. ALL of the psychological problems and therapy afforded to children are because of all of you hysterical women out there who just absolutely have to jump on the bandwagon and throw their kids at the first shrink who happens to be standing there so they can be diagnosed with the alphabet soup of ailments that is so plentiful in todays society. None of you are willing to sit down with your kids and tell them, "Mommy is a frigid ***** and Daddy is a horny bastard and he decided to get some on the side. It doesn't mean the world is going to end, just that Daddy is a whole hell of a lot more pleasant to be around and Mommy is still a frigid ***** who doesn't know how to satisfy her man in bed."<br />
If you have the balls, tell your wife to either straighten up her act or you want a divorce. Kids today probably know as much or more than you about living in a two home family, they aren't going to give a **** for more than a day or two unless Mommy is pumping them full of "Your Daddy is the cause of Mommy being SO unhappy".
I agree with ella29 and I am a married man. Both of us had an affair and super yikes it has not been easy to come back from. Basically it's life altering and consider this.<br />
Those feelings you feel for your new affair partner will fade quickly as time goes on.<br />
Oh it's so cute that he snores... it ain't cute after 3 months.<br />
People are in love with the thought of love. Very powerful drug.
just to let you no if / when u do seperate from your wife. if she can prove you had an affair in court your history. no matter how badly she treated you. she will get more in the devorce corts for that fact than if u just left now b4 u have an affair.
How would you feel if you caught your kid treating someone that way? You can choose to be happy at any time...if you dont like how your life is then maybe you should choose better choices!
Well, would the kids really be devastated forever if? Staying in an unhealthy marriage is probably more devastating to them.
you should tell her that you feel unhappy and if you decide to stay together for the kids then you both can look around for someone else... its fair to the women you married afterall