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Regardless of how it makes my son, \"J\", feel/think my husband and I will never see it as our place to close the door for J and his absent dad to have a relationship. We really go out of our way to make sure they both know that we encourage them to talk/get to know each other/spend time together. We don\'t bad-talk his dad in front of him but we don\'t lie to J either (ie if he asks why his dad doesn\'t come around/call, I let him call his dad so he can ask him, his self.) My husband and I have spent most of J\'s life drilling him and I am 100% sure J knows who is his dad is, what he looks like, what his name is, and where he can find him. With that being said, I believe that no one can make his dad be there, but when he is ready/old enough/mature enough to undoubtedly understand, J should be able to decide whether or not he wants to leave the door open for him to try anymore. J has gotten to the point where he doesn\'t ask about his dad at all anymore. In fact the last time they spoke, I pushed J to actually talk to his dad but all he wanted to do was dismiss him. The next day, his friend asked J what his mom and dad\'s name were. J said mine and started to say his dad\'s but changed it and said my husband instead(whose been in the picture for over 3/5 of J\'s life). This is the first time he did that since he was 3 but this time, I didn\'t correct him. I know he knows the right answer. And I believe this was an intentional point/stand he is making for himself. Am I putting too much \"faith\" in my 5 yo\'s maturity level?
KBSquared KBSquared 22-25, F 13 Answers Dec 19, 2013 in Single Parenthood

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He knows, don't correct him, your husband is his dad now, and I am sure he is proud to be so, certainly your son will feel more comfortable calling him dad.

My granddaughter calls my son dad, although he is not her biological daughter, and me granddad. At xmas she recognises she has an absent dad when he sends a card and cash, but he no longer bothers to see her!

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Thank you

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i think kids understand alot more than we give them credit for.

i would encourage your son to call the man who has been there, daddy, as this is what he has been... his father he can call Joe... (or whatever his name happens to be.) just my own humble opinion... *smiles*

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Thank you

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you're very welcome. ;)

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No! He's only 5 for cryin out loud.

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Either way I am not pushing his decision and that's where am I stuck. If I keep telling him to accept his father, I'm choosing to leave the door open. If I just push his dad out, I'm closing the door for him. Regardless of what he chooses I do not want to sway his choice. We can't control wether the father will be there or not but I think my son has the right to decide when he is tired of being hurt by him.

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He knows. Your faith in your son's ability to understand who is real "father" is, is not misplaced. That is to say that obviously your son realizes that your husband has filled the role his biological father bowed out of, and he has decided to acknowledge this fact on his own without your prompting - which is wonderful and a sign that your son is a blessed and very loved, very perceptive young boy. God bless your family.

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Thank you do much!

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It is healthy that you are letting the boy be himself. The adjustment process is perfectly ordinary and predictable. The attributions made by mother are a major mistake and potential problem, as she describes his mind in adult, not childhood, terms.

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Thank you

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I think his real dad should have put in more time . if he loses contact and interaction with his son while he is young he sure as hell wont get it back when his son is older . Men can be so immature and short sighted . Years from now your EX will regret not being there . Well at least your son does have a male figure in his life and it seems there is harmony in the home . Everything is going to be alright

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Thank you

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you're welcome

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I think kids are really smart and perceptive, and your son understands what it means to be a father - someone who is there for him, loves him, takes care of him, shows interest in his life.

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Thank you

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Yes, I think it was good that you left your smart young son to have his own opinion. He has opened the door to you and he talking more about it now.

5 year olds are very smart, and yes, he knows the truth.

Best to you both.

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Thank you

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That sounds like he's using someone else's words. You need to open that door to his real father quickly.

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I never closed the door for his dad. I want him to have a relationship with his real father but I don't want to push that on him if that's not what he wants. The only preventing them from growing is his dad and I not sure if my son is too young to see that for himself.

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I know what you mean. I closed the door to my dad a long time ago. What I'm saying is that someone is telling him that you husband is his dad. They're saying that other guy shouldn't be considered. He's using someone else's words.

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Oh ok. I see what you're saying, I know at school and places like that they probably think my husband is his father bc they have never seen him. But I have spent all my son's life making sure he knew without question. Which I believe he does. I know he knows who is real dad is but I don't think he cares anymore

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I think you need to have a conversation with both your ex and your husband about this, separately of course. Your ex should know that his son feels this way, and be given a chance to an effort. Also your husband should be given the choice about whether or not he wants to be involved in this way in your son's life.

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*to make an effort

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I'm way ahead of you! Lol. The last time I was able to contact my ex, I told him how my son was feeling. I almost begged him to pick a side of the fence and stop toying with our kid's emotions before our son makes the choice for humans he have no say so in it. And my husband is in hardcore for the long haul. He would adopt my son if it came down to it.

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I think your son's very lucky to have you and your husband to love him.

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Thank you very much

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To me it looks like, it is not about your 'son', 'daddy' or 'step daddy'. It is you who is badly messed up. You should go to a therapist.

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Maybe. Why do you say that?

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It is obvious from your details.

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That doesn't really help me understand your point. But thank you for your opinion anyway. I will certainly take that as it is.

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Don't listen to that. You did everything right. I don't know if your son made an intentional choice but he's just doing what feels right to him. He does have two daddies. If he wants to call the one that values him enough to stick around "Daddy" he should be free to do so.

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healers. everywhere.

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Five years old is pretty young. I don't know.

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That is my concern too . On one side I don't want to assume he understands to quickly (not that I will push the decision either way) . But I do want him to make it his own choice when he is ready.

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Don't push him. Let him make his own choice.

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That is what I am hoping I'm doing. To keep correcting makes me feel like I am forcing to him to leave a door open he maybe trying to close for himself. But I will personally never close that door. Ultimately the dad has to decide if he is going to be there or not but I feel that my son should have the decision as to whether he wants to wait for it or not.

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Stay out of it. Let things happen naturally.

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Ty

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You started, you already opened that door, fine, now correct the mistake by letting him know that he only has one dad, then go on with your life.

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