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This happened 15 years ago, but it still bothers me. My mom wants me to just act like everything is okay, but Im not okay. I've been civil, but I dont want to go to the hospital to see him. Am I being a bad daughter????????
loudsilence1 loudsilence1 26-30, F 23 Answers Nov 16, 2012 in Family Struggles

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If you don't want to see him don't go see him. If you mom feels like you're being a bad child remind her that he was the one that raped you and she's a terrible mother for making you act like it didnt happen.

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If you are over 21 (and it looks from your profile that you are) then you are a free adult and you can do whatever you want. If you don't want to see your brother, you don't *have* to, even if your mother gets mad. No one can make you go see him, but you are in a no-win situation. If you don't see him, your mother and other family members will be mad at you because they seem to feel you should see him. That *doesn't* make them correct, but this is how they seem to feel. On the other hand, if you do go see him, it will bring up painful issues for you, which may do more harm than good. So the only thing you can do is decide which painful experience is worse - going to see your brother, or not going and facing your family's wrath, vicious gossip and criticism as a result. There is no right or wrong choice here, but you have to decide which is worse and then take the least painful path. I wish you luck in dealing with it. I send you virtual hugs. Remember that no matter what other people say, it wasn't your fault that your brother did that to you, so don't blame yourself. You aren't a bad person if you don't visit him, but they will be mad at you if you don't, so you have to decide whether dealing with their long-term anger is better than facing him.

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thank you. You are right

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You will have to live with what he did to you forever. I say do what you have to. If going there bothers you, don't. Hopefully your mom understands. I personally think she is asking a lot from you.

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Forgive yourself. Your feelings are valid.

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Look dear.. as far as i got it.. u r feeling guilty because of the society or the people around you behaves so.. guilty is just a feeling generated by your mind.. when you see ur relatives go and see him and show their concern but u also said "I dont feel bad" this is because of your sub-conscious mind that is always active , decisions (intutions , dreams , fluke) are mostly taken by sub-conscious mind while things are manipulated by ur active mind.. so just act accordingly.. at last i would just say one thing.. do whatever you wish to.. at least you wont regret it ever even if it anyways goes wrong.. instead of blaming or regretting other.. After all its UR LIFE... live it your way....

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n one more thing.. you are not at all a bad daughter.. u didnt do anything wrong... unlike others..

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No, I would cut him out of my life if I were you. If your mom can't understand then she's not being a good mother.

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Every one have said it all for me. Don't see him if you're uncomfortable. U don't owe him anything.

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One of the most difficult things for many of us to do is forgive the person who raped us. I was raped when I was 15, and I'm now 60, but I have never forgotten a single aspect of what happened and there are times I let myself think about it and I still cry. Rape is a wound that goes incredibly deep into our souls. Your mom is wrong to expect you to act like nothing happened and that everything is okay....because it's not. Had you been raped by a stranger, I guarantee it would have been reported to the police, unless your mom has experienced something similar herself and just buried it, as I did. Women my age would never have reported being raped because women were always blamed for it, as if it was their own fault their were raped! It may also be that she just can't face that her own son did such a disgusting thing. You should never feel bad or guilty because you have no feelings about your brother being hurt. He commited a crime against you. How many victims feel sorry for a robber when he gets caught? They don't, it's almost divine justice! Your brother betrayed you in the worst way. He stole your security, he stole your ability to trust him. He became a stranger when he raped you. He took something from you that he had no right to do, and you will never be able to get it back. There's a sc<x>ripture in the Bible that says, "Vengence is Mine," says the Lord. "I will repay." I may not see God's vengence on the guy that raped me, but I believe God will make him pay for what he stole from me. I'm a Christian, and one thing I've learned is that guilt is not from God. You don't have to accept those feelings...you can reject them and say aloud, "I am not going to accept feeling guilty about this." I don't know if you've been able to forgive him yet, but what he did was not just a crime, it was a sin against you. There is no need whatsoever for you to fee guilty.

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Thank you for your kind words and im sorry that happened to you

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no, i dont blame you for not wanting to see him, i wouldnt want to see him either

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Well, from the little you divulged in this question one can see the very epitome of incestuous dynamics at play in your family. Do not deny your feelings. What your brother did to you is a criminal act and if you have decided not to go down the road of criminal law you have extended him more than enough mercy. Stand up for your dignity. Tell your incestuous family that it is not alright to brush it off as if it is nothing. It is your mother's responsibility to protect you and she failed.

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he went to jail and everyone made me feel like I ruined he life

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They are caught in their incestuous mentality. I know how it feels and all I can say is my heart goes out to you. Do not rely on them for emotional support. They are badly letting you down.

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Nobody should force you to go if you don't want to see him, but likewise you shouldn't feel like you owe it to yourself to stay away. It's entirely your decision.<br />
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Maybe this will bring it home to your family how much what he did affected you.

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Just make sure if you don't see him it wont wear on you concience later. But Im sure he understands why you're not seeing him. If you feel like not visiting him wont affect you in the future, then support your family from afar.

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he had it coming, that's karma

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Don't feel guilty that you don't feel bad. However, you probably need healing. <br />
****** situation.

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i dont know if I can every be healed

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uhhh No don't see him and don't feel bad or guilty he hurt you intentionally, don't forgive him either, let him suffer he deserves it

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My family didnt really believe me, so if I dont support him, i will be a black sheep. They dont understand what happened to me.

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It shouldn't matter what your family thinks a member of your family already violated you don't support him I believe he has enough support if they never believed you in the first place rape is a heavy accusation for someone to just shrug off without ever trying to find what really happened for someone to call rape on a sibling

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