I would like to ask people pleasers a question about sex/sexuality?

I sooooooooooooooo get this! My self worth ( or lack there of ) was what got me into those exact same situations. Not having the strength to say no, blaming myself for being too weak and allowing "it" to happen. It was a very low point in my life, and when I liked myself the least. This isn't something that can be "fixed" over night. The fact that you are still with her, and love her, and are seeking help are all very encouraging signs. I wish the very best to both of you.

I have to admit that I've been in the same kind of experience as her. And also willingly traded sex for getting some shred of a feeling of acceptance and/or comfort of having someone show me affection. Unfortunately things like this are all too common and I very much respect you for not only going to counseling with her but seeking outside advice and knowledge to help her and to further understand her. It sounds like she's very lucky to have found someone like you, and I thank you for sharing this with us and bringing to light something that may help not only her but others heal.

It seems she does not feel her feelings are worthy....reassure her that they are and that you love her for how she feels, not solely because of what she can give you sexually. This will hopefully make her feel the freedom to open up and let go a little more. Love, trust and communication is the key to life.

Why did she choose you ? There must be some quality within you (1dude ) that is so unlike the 'others' . She must have seen something at the onset that reached "who she realy is".. accepted you and bonded. You may have the answer within you. How are you : the same,different, safer to be with, etc.etc... Are you forgiving? The most difficult thing about assault may be forgiving. Forgiving herself of vulnerability,forgiving her father for having an illness that numbs the ability to be respons-able {dual meanig] it's very likely the father was raised in exactly the same way. My own father,an alcoholic, loved us and his wife dearly but was illiterate. The world had long passed him by. He had a stupid job working, ultimately, for a company that would close after 25 years and refuse his retirement. I really did not understand the effects of this until I was about 30.

I have to go. If you wish to talk more ; write me a line about it. I'll pick it up and respond.

I have had the same experience as she had. I just can't get past this. Just last night I had sex with someone only because I couldn't stand the thought of saying no. I feel very unloved most of the time. I haven't been able to be helped.

it's been said that men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love. from experience, i can say that this doesn't work, at least it didn't for me. once you feel better about yourself and realize that you are worthy and don't have to do things that you'd rather not, then you'll be heading in the right direction.

I came from a family with lots of drinking, and I went to alanon they gave me answers, the number one was, I was taught that behavor by my family, who was taught that behavior from their family, I didn't choose sexual relationships I chose bad relationships, I've only been in one relationship where a man didn't beat the hell out of me, and I ended up hitting him, when we come from a father who ignors us we want to please him, so we choose men like him, or we do everything in our power to please any man, just so we can feel accepted, your wife needs to understand why she does the behavior and then stop the cycle it's not her fault, but it's her responsibility to fix it, nobody else can

I definetly suffer from the disease to please. Rejected by my father, neglected by my mother, married a man just like good ole dad. My hubby and I have been together for 23 yrs, I have had tons of therapy, if I had insurance I'd be in therapy now. You know how they say a child is pretty much who they will always be by the age of 6? It makes it really hard to ever completely heal when wounds go so deep as they have formed your personality. A scar never goes away, if you touch an old scar it kind of hurts a little. There are times when I think I have put all my pain and issues behind me, that I have healed, but then all of the sudden out of the blue something always comes up again. It's frustrating. As irronic as thi may sound, there is a huge part of me that is greatful for my life and all the experiences I've had, they all make me who I am, and I have also been able to support and help others through my experience. I can't change my life and all that I have gone through, so I try to embrace it, grow from it, and reach out to others.

One strange thing about my story, compared to the ones I read here, is my people pleasing issues, actually make me want to have sex more, it does give me a sense of the love I need so bad. But my hubby also kind of cheated (Internet) on me, an that flipped the people pleasing button into high gear. It's exausting. Everything he ever criticized me for I suddenly had to be better at, cooking, cleaning, parenting, lovemaking, my appearance, It made me want to be perfect. But the harder I try the more of a failure I am it seems, the more self respect I lose. Its been about 6 years since, and now I'm wearing out, I just cant keep it all up as well as I did at first, and honestly I'm kind of getting sick of it, but that is not enough for me to stop my own insanity. I'm waiting, much like mosr people pleasers for him/hubby, to reconize my efforts, my talents, me, I need it despretly (sp?) It's like I will suddenly be whole again, or for the first time, If he would just say, I'm so lucky to have you, I appreciate all you do your a great wife, mother, lover, etc. I so need to hear that. But I know I probably never will. I just hope some how, some way, some day, I will figure out a way to just know that without his validation, without anyones validation, because I am a great mom, wife, lover, person.
I'm a work in progress and I know this for sure, I wont give up on me, because of those moments of thinking I'm all better and whole, I know I am capeable of finding that, just not as long as I need someone else to give it to me. And I can't escape the human factor so wholeness is not perfection, I will have struggles even if had a wonderful and healthy upbringing. My parents are human too, and I accept they just did'nt get all the tools they needed to be the kind of parents I deseved to have, I have no more anger twards them at all, but I still have scars and I still feel the pain and experience the memories that caused my scars form time to time. They would give anything to have made better choices so I would not have to stuggle the way I do, but they can't, its up to me now.

1dude, oh my heck, your question is So typical of a people pleaser, it's not that they want sex, they want love, unfortunately, when the pleaser is a girl, the men interpret this want as wanting sex, and that's what ends up happening. I know, I was a pleaser and had a very similar experience for several years, and more than a few men! I finally figured it out after going through a husband or 2, and I still struggle with whats right, even now. Does your wife know how lucky she is to have you, someone who truly loves her and is willing to work through this? It's quite a commitment on your part. I grew up in a small town and my first husbands knew of my past, who, what, when and where, and they said they were fine with it when we got married, but they were never really fine with it at all, things come up that brings back reminders, it hurts me, it hurts them, and in the end they just couldn't, or wouldn't get over it. My current husband understands why, but sometimes I still wonder if that heally helps, it just hurts to think that someone you love has shared this intimacy, the touching, the laughing, etc, with someone else. Is she as commited as you are? Does she understand your pain? Does she understand that you are going through this too through no fault of your own? Does she understand that its ok for you to hurt? I hope she realizes how lucky she is. Your wife was abused, by men who would take advantage of her desire to please, pure and simple, and lots and lots of abused people never get over it, they just drag it from one relationship to another, my guess is that you've experienced that already. Keep at it, love each other till you smother out the past! and good luck!