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this is a veryyyy long story short. suffice it to say that my family is very, very manipulative and hurtful and abusive. being that that is the backdrop, i have stepped up to take care of my grandmother who, it is looking like, may pass very soon. at one point, i even moved in to take care of her and was kicked out, even though i offered rent to my grandma, my mom, AND my aunt . i took care of everything from mowing, meals, went to church with her, cleaned the whole house daily and hung out with her for hours every day while working a full-time job, everything. now my cousin lives here rent-free, leaves 10 loads of laundry (not exaggerating) all over the house..her daughter's room is so messy you cant see the FLOOR, the carpet is messed up, she doesnt have tp for my gma, she doesnt take her to church, she prostitutes herself to men, and she cusses me out if i ask for one small thing like for a towel to be clean for my gma. i dont nag her tho, i promise. who is in the wrong here?
foldedunfolding foldedunfolding 31-35, F 8 Answers Dec 28, 2012 in Family Struggles

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If I was you I would get a hold of the local office for the aging! Is your gma mentally with it? If not If I was you I would try to get power of attorney for her that way you can take care of her! Also get a living will! That way family members can't argue that you did something wrong! Good luck to you &God Bless You For caring for your gma!

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thank you for your kindness in even reading this, let alone commenting as you did. unfortunately, my mom seized the power of attorney long ago. she now wields it like a sword; the POA and her wealth have allowed her to manipulate in many ways. my gma is not mentally with it. she is paranoid schizophrenic and has lately been having seizures. i found her on the floor the other day, where she had been for 7 hours. she had been on the phone with my mother and not come back to the phone and my mom didnt even come to check on her! turns out she had SHATTERED her hip, and when i called my mom to get her to come help me with gma, the first thing my mom said was that she couldn't believe that i have a key to gma's house because she had changed the locks so i couldnt get in. (i have done nothing criminal. i dont even have a misdemeanor on my record)

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Aww ya have a great heart i wish i was ur man.. well some people just see family as a easy ride theres not alot you can do except just ride it out n hope that people see it for wat it is and if not then atleast u can hold your head high. Gl flower

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aw that was really randomly sweet of you, thank you!

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Not a long story and by no means unique (I'm sorry to say).<br />
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If you can, more out (if you have already, good). Some times "tough love needs to be practiced on adults (chronological adults). You need to spend less time, NOT more time with your gma and you both can and should tell her, you feel under appreciated and that is the reason you are moving out and spending less time. You can still be the dutiful granddaughter and visit occasionally, but being there full time and spending all your free time there will not buy you any sympathy from anyone.<br />
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To answer your question, you are not in the wrong. You should and must continue with your own life!

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thank you very much for taking the time to read and answer. i have not lived here in YEARS. i only come once a week to relieve my cousin, who lives here with her daughter, so that she can go to work (at her legit job). my cousin brings men in here (not the ones she hooks, but the ones she has sex with for her own fun) and everything. i was kicked out years ago when i moved in due to the fact that ONE DAY (again, i am not lying and have no reason to lie) the house was slightly messy. But the house was IMMACULATE every other day i was there. now, when my cousin moved in, she has my mom buying her toilet paper, her friend caregiving for only 20 dollars a day (i dont get paid nor do i expect to be, but it ****** me off that she gets free rent and treats everyone so poorly, and her friend gets paid when i work for free on one of my only days off) and cleaning the house for her.....i have almost nothing to do with the family aside from fridays when i come over to relieve my cousin. i have not been on speaking terms with most of my family since april for other abuses that they perpetrated (and would continue to perpetrate were i not to cut them off entirely).

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The fact that the friend gets a few dollars and you don't is a
non-starter", you are family and shouldn't expect to be paid. I'm glad you do not live there anymore. I would suggest that you find something else to do on the occasional Friday. You don't live there, and when you DO go there, if should be for visitation purposes only. Think of yourself as a guest. If you eat something, leave the dish, glass or mess. You're there solely for the purpose of visitation, nothing else. Spend an hour or two with your gma. If she ignores you, tell her politely that you doidn't realize she was too busy for a visit and you will try to visit again next week...and then leave. I know it will be hard and probably go against what you believe is right, but nothing will ever change if you don't take some positive action. good luck!

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did i not just say that i dont expect to be paid? lol, if anything, i expect the friend to be paid MORE for the things she does.my cousin leaves the house a disaster and expects anyone who comes over to clean it, which i refuse to do. i clean up my mess only. but yes, it is very difficult, and i appreciate your feedback. thank you.

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You are for including them in your life.

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i only come over once a week and that is to see my grandmother....

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Oops. Obviously your grandmother puts up with more greed than she should. Maybe it's time to find someone who appreciates you or at least protect yourself.

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when you say greed, what are you referring to exactly? thank you for reading and for the advice..i am trying to protect myself. it is very difficult to protect oneself from one's family tho..they know just the ways to hurt you.

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Exactly. This is why I had to leave mine. Greed is self indulgence at the expense of others. Your family uses you and has no intention of supporting you. They are a black hole draining you on the false pretense it's okay to use you because you are related to them through DNA.

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thank you for recognizing that. yes, they use the "you're doing it for your grandma" defense all the time. when my cousin comes home and the house is left just as dirty as she left it (because i refuse to clean HER mess, not my own, and not my gma's), she will cuss me out and say that i am not loyal to the family. it's a gang mentality, and i get no reward at all for helping. i do it for my grandmother only.

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Your grandmother made the brood. She only reaps what she harvested.

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she is paranoid schizophrenic though. i mean, i understand what you're saying though, absolutely. but she was in and out of mental institutions. my aunt is mad that she was put in foster care, but my gma was crazy. my mom could have taken care of my aunt, as she is 16 years my aunt's senior, but she didn't. everyone has misplaced anger at my gma for being mental when it is truly not her fault. she is one of the sweetest human beings to ever bless this planet with grace.

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Then why is she surrounding herself with a den of thieves?

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because she has no option. she is 83 years old and dying and has always been at the mercy of others thanks to her mental illness

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Well, there was a time she had options and chose poorly. If you are willing to suffer at the hands of your family until her death, so be it.

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i suppose i can see your point. it is a complicated issue with so many egos and personalities involved.

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Lots of bad past too. At least you are learning from it, even if the lesson is a negative one.

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