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HubbyDelight HubbyDelight 46-50, F 24 Answers Oct 6, 2011

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No. And don't try. Marriage is a very different concept than living together. It's funny how men who say that "marriage is just a piece of paper, it doesn't mean anything to me...." don't add, "..so, why don't we get married since it doesn't mean anything to me but you want to do it?" If he cared about how you feel, he would marry you because it is what you want. Move on.

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If he doesn't want to get married that means he's not sure if he wants to be with you his whole life or he<br />
s not totally in love with you .

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Of course not. The question alone indicates that you will not get what you want. How can one be happy settling for less than what they want, especially in matters of the heart. <br />
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I am an expert on this subject because I have been in a relationship with a man for ten years who I moved in with 4 years ago. He does not plan to ever marry me and when we talk about it (at my request) he gets nervous and upset. <br />
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I live with him in his home and at least half the possessions there are mine. I keep the house clean and prepare all the meals. He pays most of the bills because it is his house but I think it is mainly because this makes him feel better about not marrying me.<br />
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I am like a Cortisan. He takes care of me. Is that any better than being a slave? Perhaps and perhaps not. I can honestly say I am not truly happy. I try to be happy and accept things as they are because I know it will never change. But as a woman and a very romantic woman I feel very unfulfilled and I don't really feel loved. He can tell me he loves me till the cows come home but if he truly loved me he would marry me.<br />
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The house we live in is in a trust from his mother. He plans to create another trust leaving everything to his kids. They are all grown and married. They don't dislike me but they always have wished their parents could get back together again. I am convinced that if something happens to him they would inherit the house and force me to leave. He said he would put something in the trust that I could stay in the house as long as I was alive but he hasn't done this yet. <br />
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I feel trapped. We might as well be married because everything is co-mingled as far as our material possessions go. Not our money, however. That is separate. He has more money than I do. <br />
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At my age it would be hard for me to find someone else. I'm not a spring chicken anymore. I have loved him deeply for many years but honestly I am beginning to feel less for him because I don't feel he loves me back. <br />
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Also, he still sees an ex girlfriend although he says they are only friends. He says she needs his help and he would feel bad if he didn't help her out. I'm not really jealous but I know he talks about me to her. She and I spoke on the phone once and she even told me that he said a couple of unflattering things about me. <br />
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I can't really afford to leave him and move all my things somewhere else. I'm retired and on a small fixed income. <br />
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I feel so helpless and after ten years with him I am beginning to feel worthless as well. His neighbors refer to me as his "live-in". This is such an insulting term. <br />
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So, the answer to anyone else reading this is get away from someone who will not commit to you as fast as you can. RUN! Things will not change and who wants someone you have to beg to marry you. <br />
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I have made a huge mistake and do not know what to do now. I wish I had gotten out of this ten years ago. Now it appears to be too late.<br />
<br />
The Cortisan

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Wow. I am living nearly EXACTLY the same situation, cortisan, ex-gf, everything... except no children.

I have been in my relationship for 4 years. My bf does not want to get married, however in his last relationship planned to propose to his then-gf. So what has changed? Me? Have I changed his mind about marriage? I feel like the live-in maid... except I pay to live in his house (I pay half the rent). I take care of the pets (one of which was abandoned by the ex-gf). I cook, I clean. The sad part is, we have sex only once every 3 months. I've taken to sleeping on the sofa, recently, and he doesn't question it. We're basically room mates. It's pathetic.

I want to leave but I also hope it might change. He also has this way of making me feel like such a horrible person if ever I try to be without him. So I just cry to myself and never speak to him about it. I stay because I don't want to be the bad guy.

I'm in such a loveless hole. Just existing. Nothing more. Urgh.

What do we do?

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Your post has enabled me to realize ending a relationship after more than two years of giving precious love to a "I will never marry again" man is the best decision I could do. It hurts, only you can't find the right man if you are on the wrong man's arm.
I said I don't understand why or how I ended up with this narcissist and selfish man, facts not opinions, as a widow my one marriage was healthy. It was a learning experience that hopefully, I can help others for having lived it.
Please do not think you can't go forward at your age now, as if this man hasn't provided for your future, will it be easier when you are older? Talk to a lawyer now and move forward living the gift of YOUR life.

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I am seeing a man that I love very much. He has said he isnt looking for love or marriage. He has since told me he loves me. We have been together almost 2 years, the love issue came up about 2 months ago. I am hoping his thoughts on marriage change too. But the part about living in his house until you pass away is a dangerous choice on your part. My late husband, yes, my late husband....passed away and I am living in the house that was his with his ex wife, a house I paid off to keep from losing because he wanted me to live here till I die. Its been pure hell for me, his family has ruined my life since he passed. Since you have lived with him for 10 yrs, you may have rights, as in some states, you would be considered "common law wife" It may not be too late for you. Talk to a lawyer and find out if you have any rights and take it from there. My heart goes out to you. I can sympathize with you. Good luck! Oh, and if you have access to the internet, which it appears you do, find a laywer in your state that will give you free advise via internet.

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not if you want to be married , but if you could agree to live together you might be able to live like this happy many couples live together and are not married and are very happy

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No...He is not as serious as you want him to be..

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**** no **** him ask the asshat what his fears are .no negotiate this,and if he doesnt want to get married,split.life is too short to gold leaf a turd.

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I've been dating a 60 yr. old bachelor for over a year. We date long distance but have consistently made it work every weekend or every other weekend. He says he loves me and I FEEL it, is wonderful, nurturing, protective, etc. He has never been married or had a long term girlfriend. (his friends attest to this info.) He has said in the past,during conversations, that he doesn't want marriage and has not even alotted to us living in the same town. Recently, I have begun crying, talking about my true feelings about being with him full time, having a future,...knowing where I stand. It freaks him out but he stays with the conversation, cares for my pain, tells me it will be alright,...told me that he was coming closer to loving me how I need. I feel crazy half the time because I'm so damned afraid,...always preparing for loss, either because I have to end it or he will,....or worse,...that it would continue like this forever,....He has told me recently, before latest meltdown that he wants me to meet his family because they won't be around forever. This would be a first meeting. Please,..advice?! SHould I give it more time? Does it sound like there is something there?

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if you pledge yourselves to each other, exactly how does a piece of paper and a word make your relationship any different. a commitment is a commitment with out the legal clap trap that comes with the paper and the word.

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What a complicated question. It's an old thread, I doubt anyone will read or answer. We emailed for a month, spoke on the phone a few times for hours on end, met and it was like a bolt of lightning. My life, in other regards, went awry and he decided he was ready to move in. This was after just a few weeks. I'm older, and this is not my first relationship, so I trust that I have a healthy, intelligent head on my shoulders. I KNOW I want to marry him, not immediately, however. During pillow talk I hear words like forever, rest of my life, "the one" and so forth. The word marriage in ANY context makes him cringe. During our most recent conversation "I don't want to get married to any woman, but if I wanted to, it would be you." That and "I have more to lose." He's here, he's supportive, he's kind, gentle, affectionate, tender and protective of me. He's a spectacular person. THIS issue bothers me, however, and I haven't figured out if I am being irrational.

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Personally I would never live someone before I was married. Never ever.

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If he does not want to get married, then he has a right not to. Likewise, your desire to get married is equally as important, if not more so as it is yours. It will not work out. Respect that fact that you were honest with each other and find someone else.

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You'll always feel as if you "settled". If you want to be married, and he doesn't want to commit, start thinking about how much your life you're willing invest in this relationship.

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Why do you want to be married? I lived with my husband for awhile, but once we were ready for children, marriage was important for me before having them, the marriage didnot work, but I do have two wonderful children.

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Probably not.

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Does he say he doesnt want to get married Right now? any time soon? he just isnt ready? is he scared? or he just flat out never wants to get married? Or maybe he just doesnt see himself married to you?<br />
Youre in a difficult situation, eventually someone is going to have to compromise, but I gotta say I wouldnt be able to look past the fact that the man I love doesnt want to marry me or at least see me in that kind of way for the future. Knowing that wouldnt allow me to give it my all, to put all my walls down. You should have a serious talk with him and get to the bottom of it, what is he afraid of? Or does he simply not love you enough? Personally I couldnt just be happy living together knowing we wont ever get married, but thats just me. I hope you get the answers you deserve, Good luck!

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marriage is a legal way to commit<br />
marriage is a loving way to commit...especially if it means a lot to one partner. <br />
As to whether you can be happy...to a degree i think you can..you decide how important the relationship is to you..if you can settle for no marriage..and not let the interfer with the way you think and act..it can be done.<br />
I'd want to know his reasons though...and i'd have to be willing to accept them.<br />
Marriage is not for everyone. He may have his own fears...it may not have anything to do with his love for you.<br />
Commuicate with him.

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You could tell the person how you feel and they have to take responsibilities for your feelings too. If they are certain, then there is a limit to how long they don't want to be together. Be careful of this person who doesn't want a commited relationship.

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Of course not.

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This is happening to me. I have been unhappily married once and he has had 2 bad marriages.<br />
We have been together for 6 years and he is reluctant to get married. Most of the time I'm accepting of his reasons but it still niggles and wrangles with me. I cant help it because I become very analytical about myself and constantly ask what is wrong with me. so in answering the question for the majority of the time yes I am happy bot there's always that voice in the backround asking whats wrong with me?

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No. I have been in a relationship with a man I love with all my heart and he loves me for 19 years. We have lived together for 11. I am ready to get married and we discussed this in the past. Now he says he never ever wanted to get married. Torn, thinking about leaving this is so important to me but not to him.

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