If a woman feels like she does not want children, does that mean she married the wrong man?

I married my husband two years ago and we are both now in our mid twenties. We have the qualities necessary to be decent parents. We have education, good moral foundations, and motivation to achieve our goals. The constant fixer-upper in our relationship is communication. In a previous relationship, I was involved with a man ten years my senior. He was quite mature and knew how to lead a relationship. Rather than him and I being equals, he directed many things. I remember feeling as though I could have children with him later in life. I could envision that future. Perhaps because I trusted him more with the responsibility of leading a family. That was the only time I have ever pictured myself having children. My husband is my equal, we are companions and friends. Unfortunately, I reverted back to my original feeling of never wanting children with him. I feel selfish. Could it be a trust issue? Does he need to learn how to lead? Do I need to figure out how to "follow", as they say?

Posted 7 months ago

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lastleafoffall

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It doesn't mean that something is wrong to not want children. Some people just....don't want children. Its really as simple as that. I don't think it has a whole lot to do with the man she is with. Honestly. Unless she knows inside that she just doesn't want HIS children, but might want them otherwise. Then the topic might need to be addressed a bit differently.

Posted 7 months ago

Other 12 Answers to If a woman feels like she does not want children, does that mean she married the wrong man?

PhysicalWreck	Posted Mar 28th, 2009 at 12:23PM First of all,let me say it is great both of you possess these wonderful qualities. You both sound like good people. However,having those qualities does not mean you are meant to be parents. There are many folks out there who are have all these things and don't start families. My sister for example:great person and a very loving aunt to my daughter. She likes being around children but does not feel the need to take care of one 24/7. She is happy with her career and getting her luxury time to go out to restaurants,cultural events,etc.. She feels complete the way things are. Her husband wanted to have kids and he has excepted she doesn't because he would rather give up on having kids than her. What it comes down to is being true to yourself. Rated: +2Vote for this!
Krypton	Posted Mar 30th, 2009 at 2:55PM You are assuming that all woman naturally want children and to not want them is the unnatural state. I disagree with this belief. Maybe it is simply that you enjoy your life with this man and don't want to change it. Maybe you felt that the only way that you could deeply bond with the older man was through children. I see this as a show of how wonderful your current relationship is rather than a testament to how you miss the former. Rated: +2Vote for this!
underconstruction	Posted Mar 29th, 2009 at 7:53PM I dont think you need to learn how to follow. I think you just need to be honest with yourself and decide whether this is truly the man you want to spend your life with. It seems to me that you´d like him only if he had your ex BF qualities and that isnt going to happen. Deciding that will do you both a lot of good, and will save you lots of money in therapists and attorneys later on. Rated: +2Vote for this!
LilAnnie	Posted Mar 28th, 2009 at 12:15PM Are you saying you would want children only if they didn't carry his DNA? So therefore you are afraid that means that you don't really love him? Only you know the answer. Rated: +1Vote for this!
Darcyqueen	Posted Mar 28th, 2009 at 12:27PM Do we just marry to be procreate? I think this may be the first time you have come across that you don't want everythng he wants. Is it the fact he would love the child and you would have to take on the role of other rather than be the only love of his life. When the time is right you will want to have children and one has that right to be never. I would discuss this after I slept on it and thought about the reasons why you think this man is not right if you don't want his children Are you afraid to say no? Keep me posted. Rated: +1Vote for this!
autotelic	Posted Mar 28th, 2009 at 12:47PM I don't care who I marry; I don't want children. Some people just do not want children and there's nothing wrong with that choice. DO NOT have children just because he wants them. It's your body and your life as well. If later in life you both want children, then have them or adopt. For now, stick to your guns. Rated: +1Vote for this!
backjacktaketwo	Posted Mar 28th, 2009 at 1:23PM No. One thing has NOTHING to do with the other!! Rated: +1Vote for this!
Shadow29	Posted Mar 28th, 2009 at 1:38PM I think it all depends on the reason... If a woman doesn't want children because she wouldn't want to give birth to that man's DNA or his characteristics, then yes... she did marry the wrong man. If it's simply because she has no desire to have children and want to keep her figure, AND the man has no desire for children either, then she married the right guy. BUT, if the man wants children and the woman does not, regardless of ether two reasons, then yes... she married the wrong guy. The chat about what one expects in a marriage should be had BEFORE the marriage. It's not fair to either, if the relationship isn't on the same page, imho. :-) Rated: +1Vote for this!
LawRaJayne	Posted Mar 28th, 2009 at 1:55PM If you feel that you are happy with him, but the reasons behind you not wanting children are nothing to do with him. so no. i don't think it would mean you married on the wrong man. Even though you are in your mid-twenties, maybe you are just not ready. perhaps enjoying your freedom too much? maybe you are scared to be a parent? and that's ok. it's natural. But you need to ask yourself if you're happy with this man. my brother and his girl have been together for about 7 years.. he's now 27, they are not married and have no children. they are not yet ready. but they love eachother unconditionally. they just like the freedom. so don't worry. give it time. Rated: +1Vote for this!
qazrazl	Posted Mar 28th, 2009 at 4:15PM The conversation about children should have been totally resolved before marriage. Good or bad communication is no excuse not to have clearly determined that he did want them and you didn't want them. No matter how it gets resolved, spare any children from being born if you are not sure you want to be a mom. It is for life. Kids will suffer, like I did, if their mom doesn't really want to raise kids but "got knocked up" or "did it for him" or anyone else. Rated: +1Vote for this!
Duana	Posted Mar 28th, 2009 at 4:20PM I feel sad that you did not discuss this before you had married because if I had been a person who didn't want children I would never want to be married to even a man who was my true love if he wanted children. I would not want to rob him of one of the greatest joys in life. They let single people adopt. I wonder if they would let one couple in a married relationship adopt, so he could have children but they would not be yours. This problem you present has never been concieved, but maybe adoption agencies should look into it. Or would it bother you if he went to a ***** bank and had someone else give him a child without cheating on you? These are completely unorthodox ideas, and I am a very conservative person but you have stumped me with a problem that doesn't appear to have a victim, and each party should definitely get what they want. Rated: +1Vote for this!
miochiyo	Posted Mar 30th, 2009 at 3:03PM Wanting kids with your previous boyfriend could have had more to with your own immaturity at the time of that relationship than of any special qualities your ex-bf had, or qualities you think your current husband lacks. Now that you are older, perhaps you understand better the work and commitment parenthood requires, and know yourself well enough that you understand you are not up to it. Besides, wanting to have children with a man is not an indication of a healthy relationship. You can have a wonderful relationship but not want kids, likewise you can have a terrible relationship but want kids in spite of it. Rated: +1Vote for this!

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