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QuestionMarks QuestionMarks 41-45, F 16 Answers Jun 3, 2009

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"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission"<br />
(Eleanor Roosevelt"<br />
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I love Quotes!!!!<br />
<br />
Joyce

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I have been shunned by my family. I was a teacher and freelance artist until I became disabled two years ago. My Dad died and he was the last living member of his brothers and sisters. I was his only child. My mother (stepmother from age five) has always been abusive and just plain mean to me. She broke my collar bone and a cervical rib when I was five years old. The list of abuses is endless. My Dad told me many years ago that she was poisoning him. I tried to get him to leave, but he said he could handle it. A few days before he died he called and told me that she was going to kill him. He died before I could get a flight. It was devastating. She was absent during funeral planning and the funeral. She seemed distracted when she was around. I found out that she was out forging my name and taking my name off accounts and property. I have been in denial about her "evil ways" for many years. She begged me to drive 1500 miles from my home because she said no one would help. She was meaner than ever when I arrived. She got really mad one morning and showed me a loan that never existed to me from her for $35,000. I never had a loan from any family member. She called the police and told them that I was going to kill her with my gun. I have never owned a gun. I was searched. The house and car were searched. I was told to leave immediately. My purse was dumped and things thrown around the house. I left without my cash, license, or credit cards. I had no place to go that night. I had to continue medical treatment until the doctor released me. She had me followed to my medical appointments. I was searched five times by the police. I went to the police station to talk to them about the searches. I was locked in the station, handcuffed and taken to jail. She was able to get a false protective order against me and then she could call police anytime and say that I broke the order. I was put in a holding cage on a cement floor by the toilet. I had no water except toilet water. I was in that cage until I was unconscious. I was taken to the hospital in my same clothing covered in blood, urine, and feces. She has been able to turn the entire family against me with my Dad's money. I am totally isolated from family. I go to therapy. I cry every day. I don't know if I will survive. I often wonder if people can survive without a family unit. They shunned me at the lowest point in my life. I had just been put on disability and couldn't work. Even my daughters won't speak to me. If they do, they will lose their monthly money. I am in terrible shape. I feel like the walking dead. I am very weak and sick. I asked my daughter why she would do such a thing. She said, "Your Dad treated you better than anyone else." I think in some cultures people were shunned to cause them to die. I feel that this is why I was shunned. I don't know how long I will survive alone.

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So sorry you went through this. My heart goes out to you.

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Ariaspen, I cried when I read your story and I CAN RELATE...and I am alive to tell it. Your story is almost paralle to mine. My older vindictive sister who was out of state for 20 yrs schemed with Mom who died, got me off her will and she inherited the house all Moms accts and contents of house. When Mom died, she told me I have 1 month to get my things out. She specified a date and time to come over and told me if I say anything she will have me arrested, so I asked for a Police escort where Moms home was located and where she lives and my Son who grew up in a Foster Home because I got sick and no one would watch my son while in hospital lived. I fought 12 yrs to get him out and can prove stability with a blood test but the system would not return him no matter what I did. I have a Bachelors Degree in Nursing, that I worked hard for during these 12 yrs. He aged out of the system, got his College Fund and blew it on purpose to hurt me and then disowned me and lived upstairs from this vindictive sister who bad mouthed me to him. When Mom died (she had breast cancer) and no one knew but this vindictive sister who was Health Care Proxy to Mom, withheld medical information from me, and was also the Beneficiary of everything. Everything was already put in this sisters name, so she could care less if Mom lived or died. Mom did well coming out of Hospice and was dead 10 days later since sister administered liquid meds thru her veins. I was not able to visit often while she was on her death bed and she watched me like a hawk and made digs while I visited Mom and told me she would have me arrested if I say something she does not like. I wondered if that also included talking about the Lord to Mom before she died....I did anyways and prayed and read Bible to her while she lay in her special bed in my sisters inherited house. My sister called another vindictive rich female Matriarch in the family every time I visited and she was there within 15 min to give me hell so the visit would not be without interruption while this female cousin's venim poured out and I would be told to leave from my vindictive sister. My son sees this and then he rejects me because he wants to fit in. My sister gave me a definite date and time, I asked for a Police escort so my sister would not set me up and say I was trespassing and have me arrested. I waited at corner as Police told me to do and also waited for my ex-boyfriend. Well while sitting at corner in my car, Police showed up and arrested me and refused to tell me why. Yes this is illegal, but Police make the Rules as they want. Nothing Consistent about Buffalo Police. They do as they want. While sitting in Police car, he drove up to Mom/Sister home and Luitenent COACHED my vindictive sister and MY SON to write false reports stating that "I threatened their lives and they fear for their safety." I got arrested for just sitting in my car waiting for my ex boyfriend to enter my sisters house she inherited and she and my son were coached to write report word for word. He also coached the Police Station to write same report for asking for a Police escort. I never threatened anyone, honestly! These people have threatened me in past situations and 1 yr before my sister punched me in face and bit me while I stiffened my hands on the side and she tried to have me arrested and took my keys so I could not leave after she told me to leave. Cops would not hear my story or take the ER report later when I had to go get a Tetanus Shot for a human bite. Police refuse medical report showing she bit me the yr before Mom died. She promised my Mom that she would split house and I begged to have Mom put in writing but she refused yelling at me that I just don't like my sister. I reached out to her till the end, when she set me up to be arrested and turned my son on me after he just got out of Foster Care and I was trying to mend our relationship since you are not allowed to talk about what happened while in foster care or you would have visits taken away. This really destroyed it all! She involved my son since he lives there, he must go along with her schemes and setting me up to be arrested. He goes along with it so he has a roof over his head. I am on Disability and Sec 8 and it is hard to find landlords to take this. My sister got mad when surprisingly, to me also, my Mom left a few thousand dollars in Life Insurance Money, much to my surprise and I thought it definitely was a mistake and she forgot to change it. Sister insisted I immediately sign it over and I did not. She told the entire family and Mom before she died complained to family about our debates we had based on her Co-Dependency issues she had with sister and her 2 boys who were drug addicts and hiding their drugs, loaded guns and extra illegal things in Moms house and I was trying to tell her how unsafe they were and illegal and she would scream and fight and my sister would interfere and call Police. Police refuse to do anything I seek their help on and then turn it on me when I am trying to bring about what is right and they are supposedly doing the same but giving into vindictive sister and her boys. She blew me in for Harassment for writing her an email trying to get her drug addicted son to a rehab and Police took her word for it and called it Harassment because she told me it was none of my business about her sons, my nephews. One nephew died at 20 yrs old of an Overdose of Opiates and now she uses his death creating a web blog so others could tell her what a great Mom she is. She is Narcissistic all the way and only has her best interests at heart even with her dead son. She overdosed Mom, I am almost sure, since she died in 10 days and was complaining how hard it was to watch her after Hospice but refused my Help. We are both RN's, but I have fibromyalgia and on Disability right now. Stress aggravates these painful muscles, making it difficult to walk. I was evicted right after Mom died and went to a Homeless Shelter for 3 months and my family would not help me move. I also became suicidal at one point since one of the Shelters told me to leave and sleep in my car in winter Bflo freezing cold and I had to go to another Shelter who forced urine tests for drugs for everyone while they watched. It took 3 hrs to pee while they watched and they threatened they would kick me out if I could not pee while they watched. I still could not for 3 hrs! I had to go thru this utter humiliation which I would never have had to if I had my portion of Moms house. My sister is a pathological Liar and has no remorse for her Behavior and she has many Nursing Agencies fooled. She is totally different towards her sister and refuses to tell me why. She Minimized how worthless Moms house is and that she would be doing my Mom a favor if she took it off Mom/s hands and she would gladly transfer it to me if I want it. I told Mom that she was lying and that the House is worth about $80 000 and rents are about $700 but Mom did not believe me. She only believed this vindictive sister who is well versed on the Internet. The very day that Mom died, my sister anxiously went to the Internet and told me the value of the House which to me was totally insensitive and disrespectful to Mom. She also put an Ad out to sell the house which she told Mom she would keep. My sister is unstable and likes to move and she has nothing to show for all the money she makes. She is a Travel Nurse and makes big money and needed my Mom to co-sign a loan for a SUV and my Mom was on Retirement Soc. Sec low funds. She intercepted the final Food Stamps and told me to bring Mom food while she ate the Food Stamps and then to store it upstairs while Mom was downstairs on a Hospice Bed. When Hospice came in to check on Mom, my sister nearly jumped over the Bed so that they would not take the final blood draws to check the Med/s. Since she is the Health Care Proxy, Hospice will not let Me get the Medical Records to review them and the meds. without my Sisters Permission. It is she, who I am reviewing....My sister leaves a good impression with everyone because they do not really know her and how Fraudulant she is. She has a long history of False Reports to Police, going back on her word, Bounced Checks, selling me a Truck with a Lien and did not disclose it (unpaid taxes on truck) refusing to give me Title after I paid for truck, refusing to give me the truck located on her ex husband/s property, refusing to give me his address or phone #, refusing to give me my nephews address or phone # so I could help him get to Rehab while she lived out of State, spending her deceased son's life insurance policy on herself and living son while his funeral expenses were not covered and trying to embezzle money from others to pay for it. She has no remorse and now she has her grip on my son who lives upstairs. I love my son and want a relationship with him but he will not talk to me and uses Police if I call. Was told by a Police Officer that Harassment Law was partially lifted due to Freedom of Speech and it is Unconstitutional to arrest for trying to communicate with a person and gave me the Law in writing. It was recently changed in Supreme Court. WHAT I DO TO HELP MYSELF WITHOUT FAMILY---work out, get involved in Volunteering in something you love, PRAY, LISTEN TO GOD, JOURNAL what that small voice tells you to do, Write Letters of Love and Clarification to your family members and tell each one that you love them and clarify what occurred and be open to listen what they write back or do not write back. Apologize. Forgive. Make Amends if possible. Clean your side of the Fence and Let God Do the Rest. send cards even if they don't and maybe some day God will melt their heart. If not---You know you did the right thing before God. Let go of anger, guilt and resentment and have an open heart to the Universe. Shunning, Gossip, and Causing Division is wrong and is not Love. Love is the Greatest and what your family does is on them--but you do the right thing and God has to melt their hearts. You can only manage your own life---so surround it with good positive thing...and stay close to God and listen and journal what He prompts your heart. For me I went to the Woods---got down with God and told Him I need some answers and He prompted me to write sincere, honest letters to each one to clarify and let Him do the rest...There are many Meetup Groups on computer to Join also for people that have common interests and networking and you can start your own. "Friends are the Family You Choose"

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IMAP sorry this all happened to you. It is a heartbreaking story to others but also inspiring. People need to know they can survive to the breaking point without actually breaking or else some of us shrivel up and give up. That's what I did. I gave up. It's too late for me. But your story has put my life in perspective. It has shown me what it means to have backbone. But even if I had read this a year ago or 10 years ago I would never have understood why you wrote this or how it could help me. Only today for some reason do I get it. I always learn my lessons too late:(

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The story of my life! My family has shunned me more ways than one . So now I say screw you I'm not going to treated like this anymore!

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i just keep on doing my job and trying to live my life. Having been shunned before for no apparent reason, they have a reason but not sharing because they are shunning me, you just keep on keeping on.

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turn that other cheek

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Find inner strength. Know that you are a good person and that will shine through. Try being kind to those who are shunning you. Treat others the way you want to be treated and they will come around. If they don't it is their loss.

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Ty

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I wonder why others don't don't treat me like they would want to be treated. Who in the world would want to be shunned or pitied? Bit doesn't make sense.

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This is the story of my life. I have 4 siblings and only one brother wants to be in my life. I have never deserved this treatment. It started years ago when I called the police on my violent/drunk father. I was only 11 yrs old, and watching over my 2 younger sisters, who were 9 and 8 at the time. My mother was away at a sports event with my 2 older brothers (which should have been my dad's job) Since my mother was away that Sat. my father came home with another drunk at 3 a.m. and started a violent fight in our ba<x>sement. It was really scary..furniture being thrown..and punches etc.. I was worried that they were going to hurt each other badly) I had to sneak to the tel. (no cell phones in those days..telephones were attached to the wall by a tel. connection cord). in order to call for help. I was instructed by the emergency person on the other end of the phone to get my little sisters dressed in coats/boots & this was in the middle of the winter months, we lived in a very cold climate area. I was to take them to a safe neighbor's house, and not to let my violent dad know, and to keep the phone off the hook. I did this. The emergency person could hear the loud fighting noises in the background.<br />
I watched from the safety of the kind neighbor's window, and saw the police lights on their cruiser, and saw them handcuff my dad and put him and the other guy in the police cruiser. The officers came over to talk to me. They wanted to tell me how brave a little girl I was to call for help. They made me feel that I did the right thing. <br />
When my mother was notified, she had to come home sooner than expected of course, to deal with this traumatic situation. When back at home, she told us that "Daddy was put in jail, and will be there for a little while...and that I was a "bad" girl for calling the police..basically, "you put your daddy in jail!" My life was never the same after this. My brothers and sisters all turned on me, because they believed our mother's abusive words to me, after all, they were just kids too.<br />
This was the turning point of my life..when my mother planted the seeds of hate into my sibling's minds..a terrible burden for a child to bear. Naturally, children's protective services became involved and the entire dysfunctional family unit was apparently disrupted beyond repair,because I called for help that night. This was told to my siblings all of the years after this. My mother has never said sorry for saying what she did.apparently she truly believes it was my fault. This is cruel emotional abuse to a child. This happened over 40 years ago, and still, my sisters hate me. My mother today goes along with their shunning, and has never taken responsibility for their hatred towards me. I have had several decades of them excluding me from their family events..the cruelty never really stopped.<br />
I grew up and married a wonderful man, had 3 kids of my own..am healthy, only have this story to tell now. God was w

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Wow that is absolutely terrible!! And it reminded me that you shouldn't shirk to unhealthy dynamics just because it will disrupt the family. I wish I would have read this when I was in my twenties- it would have revealed the truth and I would have been set free from a lot of things. This was inspiring to read. I will never be what I should have been in life but this really helped put my past in perspective and my future. Ty

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I'm going through this now. here's my take:<br />
-be ob<x>jective. This it not personal, but a group dynamic, initiated usually by someone who is insecure themselves. The group goes along to please the unbalanced person. I'm proud to say that I stood up for the last victim of her shunning, and am paying for being a defender by being shunned now.<br />
-don't fight back. Don't try to defend yourself, explain yourself, kiss up to the shunner, or fight back. It never works.<br />
-play dumb. I was systematically invited and then uninvited to an event twice on Facebook by the shunner. I sent the shunner, and some neutral friends/invitees, a note asking if they had also been having trouble with their Facebook events, maybe a virus? lol<br />
-be as sweet as pie, even if it kills you, although not obsequious. Some in the group will either begin to feel guilty, or miss you, and will respond to you taking the higher ground.<br />
-and when you finally get invited back into the inner circle, politely but firmly refuse all invitations. This gives you back your power. After practicing this confidence-builder for a while, you will be in a better position to evaluate whether or not you want to accept some or all invites at some future date. It will now be totally in your court if you do.

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I agree. I have been shunned terribly by nearly all of my family members. This has always been a slight problem in past years, but the last year has been terrible. We get invited to weddings and baby showeres, then uninvited. One person in particular is very secretive about everything that goes on, she will make plans and say little things in front of us about those plans, but never invites us. there have been times they have been down right rude by saying to us "you're not on the guest list"..This has amazed me and my small family how we could be excluded when the blood lines between all of us are so close. There is one ring leader and everyone follows her. It doesn't work to fight back, defend yourself, or try to explain..it only makes things worse, the ring leader will tell it completely differant and accuse you of attacking her. She is known by everyone as the "queen". It's sad to know I come from such a dysfuntional family like this..so I just turn my cheek.

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Thank you! Very very good advice.

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Thank you for this comment.

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I will not kiss up to shunning and change who I am. You lose yourself and Shunning is not right even though Majority does it---it does not make it right. I went years keeping quiet as they made their digs and laughed, no gifts from them even though I gave them, sister would not invite me to kids birthday parties which is why they had emotional problems later, no aunts, no uncles involved in kids lives. Do the Right Thing and if they do not accept you----they are not worth it.

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Queen Bees are the matriarch in the Family and run the roost. Usually they are the one with the Money or Title and are the highest one on the Pecking Order and what they say Goes and everyone tip toes around them and does not want to upset them....WHY? You are Worthy of Respect. State your Views in Low Tone Voice and Slow and stick to them...You are worthy of respect. You may not be Popular with the Toxic Family but you are not on Earth to Be Abused. You are here to find what you are Passionate About, Your Gift and Use it. At the end of your life, the only thing you leave behind is who you were on Earth, pictures, memories and etc. and then you meet Your Maker...and You Review Your Life...

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Depends who was doing the shunning. I have no problem being by myself for days at a time, but then, I'm an introvert.

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i'd be an emotional wreck. though it's important to note that i'd have the option of perceiving the shunning in a constructive fashion, like considering it a challenge, a game, a test, an opportunity. granted, i'd need a ton of support to pull off the latter, which i have difficulty garnering :/

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It is happening to me already for years. It is cruel and it is hard. In fact I think it is harder when you don't know why than when you do. Best thing is to work on yourself, pray to God, listen and write a letter with love asking for clarification if you have done something wrong (even if you have not). Just be humble and let them give you a reason. If they do not respond at all, (which is possible) just state how you feel and leave the door open. Do not get resentful. I have a saying hanging up "Friends are the family YOU choose". We cannot MAKE our families accept us esp. if they are Toxic and we are healthier. It becomes harder to make friends when we don't have family and people gravitate to people who have families. I would suggest, get healthy and work out, volunteer in something you love and create your world and maybe someday your family will want you in their lives but don't drop all the good work you did. Write the letter for yourself.

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That is amazing advice. Ty so much.

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I had this conversation with a good friend recently as my partner does this with children from a previous relationship and me (I am the step parent) from time to time. Speaking with my friend helped me to understand that when this occurs, my partner is feeling inadequate in other aspects of life. My partner will notice that I step up to challenges (making it look easy?) and succeed, without understanding it takes organization, ability to prioritize, set boundaries and focus. In an attempt to regain some control over the lack of self esteem (and fear of a situation?), my partner will attempt to put me back on a level playing field (knocking me down a peg or two?) in the way that history has proven successful...emotional and communication exclusion, ex: talking plans over with the children before me, not communicating who will be where and when, changing plans at a moment's notice. Needless to say, being an organized person, this drives me nuts because in some way it impacts my plans and what I need to do....if I want to participate in 'the plan' I have to be available which means giving up something I wanted/needed to do. It's a form of narcissism...trying to 'prove' my commitment or whatever else the muppet needs at the time. My friend's answer was "practise self care". Simple! Practise doing what I need to do to take care of me. Yes, it can look like ignoring, as was suggested by another contributor to this forum. Simply put, it's taking care of what I need to do and riding on the positivity that brings; self power, peace that I am doing what I need to do and gratitude that I didn't give my power away AGAIN! Yes, my desire is to spend family time....but not at the expense of giving another person my power (thanks Eleanor Roosevelt). It really does start at our own core. Remember the analogy of the drowning person; the rescuer will often be pushed underwater as the drowning person pushes them down in order to stay on top of the water. Hope my insights help. Stay strong! You're good!

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Thank you. These are very good insights. I especially like the part about self care since with mothers like me (and often woman in general) do not even think about taking care of themselves, but just others. I also like the part about setting boundaries, goals and meeting them.

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The last job I had was like that. I just tried my best and looked for another job. If I felt like I could approach my boss with any concerns I would have.<br />
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One company I worked for was the best company EVER! I am VERY sorry I quit. (Personal family stuff.) The company had upper management, several teams, and team leaders for each. Ours was great. Our boss was a great leader, very approachable, gave great advice, and I knew that she was there to help all of us. (After all, our success was her success! It made her look like a great teacher...and she is!) Our team was very close and we spent some time together out of the work environment. They were family. I still speak with a some of them! (Good jobs / environments like that DO exist!)<br />
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Maybe you could try speaking with your boss about your concerns. Being a manager means leading the group / team. If it is effecting your work - then DO speak to her. If she is not approachable, then look for employment elsewhere.

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Wow you are so lucky. I want to work in a place like that. I do notice that all around me- happens with others. But I always get on the teams where I get treated like a slave instead of a team member.

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I believe it's called marriage.

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