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QuestionMarks QuestionMarks 41-45, F 14 Answers Jun 3, 2009

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The story of my life! My family has shunned me more ways than one . So now I say screw you I'm not going to treated like this anymore!

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i just keep on doing my job and trying to live my life. Having been shunned before for no apparent reason, they have a reason but not sharing because they are shunning me, you just keep on keeping on.

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"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission"

(Eleanor Roosevelt"



I love Quotes!!!!



Joyce

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turn that other cheek

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I have been shunned by my family. I was a teacher and freelance artist until I became disabled two years ago. My Dad died and he was the last living member of his brothers and sisters. I was his only child. My mother (stepmother from age five) has always been abusive and just plain mean to me. She broke my collar bone and a cervical rib when I was five years old. The list of abuses is endless. My Dad told me many years ago that she was poisoning him. I tried to get him to leave, but he said he could handle it. A few days before he died he called and told me that she was going to kill him. He died before I could get a flight. It was devastating. She was absent during funeral planning and the funeral. She seemed distracted when she was around. I found out that she was out forging my name and taking my name off accounts and property. I have been in denial about her "evil ways" for many years. She begged me to drive 1500 miles from my home because she said no one would help. She was meaner than ever when I arrived. She got really mad one morning and showed me a loan that never existed to me from her for $35,000. I never had a loan from any family member. She called the police and told them that I was going to kill her with my gun. I have never owned a gun. I was searched. The house and car were searched. I was told to leave immediately. My purse was dumped and things thrown around the house. I left without my cash, license, or credit cards. I had no place to go that night. I had to continue medical treatment until the doctor released me. She had me followed to my medical appointments. I was searched five times by the police. I went to the police station to talk to them about the searches. I was locked in the station, handcuffed and taken to jail. She was able to get a false protective order against me and then she could call police anytime and say that I broke the order. I was put in a holding cage on a cement floor by the toilet. I had no water except toilet water. I was in that cage until I was unconscious. I was taken to the hospital in my same clothing covered in blood, urine, and feces. She has been able to turn the entire family against me with my Dad's money. I am totally isolated from family. I go to therapy. I cry every day. I don't know if I will survive. I often wonder if people can survive without a family unit. They shunned me at the lowest point in my life. I had just been put on disability and couldn't work. Even my daughters won't speak to me. If they do, they will lose their monthly money. I am in terrible shape. I feel like the walking dead. I am very weak and sick. I asked my daughter why she would do such a thing. She said, "Your Dad treated you better than anyone else." I think in some cultures people were shunned to cause them to die. I feel that this is why I was shunned. I don't know how long I will survive alone.

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So sorry you went through this. My heart goes out to you.

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This is the story of my life. I have 4 siblings and only one brother wants to be in my life. I have never deserved this treatment. It started years ago when I called the police on my violent/drunk father. I was only 11 yrs old, and watching over my 2 younger sisters, who were 9 and 8 at the time. My mother was away at a sports event with my 2 older brothers (which should have been my dad's job) Since my mother was away that Sat. my father came home with another drunk at 3 a.m. and started a violent fight in our basement. It was really scary..furniture being thrown..and punches etc.. I was worried that they were going to hurt each other badly) I had to sneak to the tel. (no cell phones in those days..telephones were attached to the wall by a tel. connection cord). in order to call for help. I was instructed by the emergency person on the other end of the phone to get my little sisters dressed in coats/boots & this was in the middle of the winter months, we lived in a very cold climate area. I was to take them to a safe neighbor's house, and not to let my violent dad know, and to keep the phone off the hook. I did this. The emergency person could hear the loud fighting noises in the background.

I watched from the safety of the kind neighbor's window, and saw the police lights on their cruiser, and saw them handcuff my dad and put him and the other guy in the police cruiser. The officers came over to talk to me. They wanted to tell me how brave a little girl I was to call for help. They made me feel that I did the right thing.

When my mother was notified, she had to come home sooner than expected of course, to deal with this traumatic situation. When back at home, she told us that "Daddy was put in jail, and will be there for a little while...and that I was a "bad" girl for calling the police..basically, "you put your daddy in jail!" My life was never the same after this. My brothers and sisters all turned on me, because they believed our mother's abusive words to me, after all, they were just kids too.

This was the turning point of my life..when my mother planted the seeds of hate into my sibling's minds..a terrible burden for a child to bear. Naturally, children's protective services became involved and the entire dysfunctional family unit was apparently disrupted beyond repair,because I called for help that night. This was told to my siblings all of the years after this. My mother has never said sorry for saying what she did.apparently she truly believes it was my fault. This is cruel emotional abuse to a child. This happened over 40 years ago, and still, my sisters hate me. My mother today goes along with their shunning, and has never taken responsibility for their hatred towards me. I have had several decades of them excluding me from their family events..the cruelty never really stopped.

I grew up and married a wonderful man, had 3 kids of my own..am healthy, only have this story to tell now. God was w

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I'm going through this now. here's my take:

-be objective. This it not personal, but a group dynamic, initiated usually by someone who is insecure themselves. The group goes along to please the unbalanced person. I'm proud to say that I stood up for the last victim of her shunning, and am paying for being a defender by being shunned now.

-don't fight back. Don't try to defend yourself, explain yourself, kiss up to the shunner, or fight back. It never works.

-play dumb. I was systematically invited and then uninvited to an event twice on Facebook by the shunner. I sent the shunner, and some neutral friends/invitees, a note asking if they had also been having trouble with their Facebook events, maybe a virus? lol

-be as sweet as pie, even if it kills you, although not obsequious. Some in the group will either begin to feel guilty, or miss you, and will respond to you taking the higher ground.

-and when you finally get invited back into the inner circle, politely but firmly refuse all invitations. This gives you back your power. After practicing this confidence-builder for a while, you will be in a better position to evaluate whether or not you want to accept some or all invites at some future date. It will now be totally in your court if you do.

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I agree. I have been shunned terribly by nearly all of my family members. This has always been a slight problem in past years, but the last year has been terrible. We get invited to weddings and baby showeres, then uninvited. One person in particular is very secretive about everything that goes on, she will make plans and say little things in front of us about those plans, but never invites us. there have been times they have been down right rude by saying to us "you're not on the guest list"..This has amazed me and my small family how we could be excluded when the blood lines between all of us are so close. There is one ring leader and everyone follows her. It doesn't work to fight back, defend yourself, or try to explain..it only makes things worse, the ring leader will tell it completely differant and accuse you of attacking her. She is known by everyone as the "queen". It's sad to know I come from such a dysfuntional family like this..so I just turn my cheek.

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Thank you! Very very good advice.

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Thank you for this comment.

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Depends who was doing the shunning. I have no problem being by myself for days at a time, but then, I'm an introvert.

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i'd be an emotional wreck. though it's important to note that i'd have the option of perceiving the shunning in a constructive fashion, like considering it a challenge, a game, a test, an opportunity. granted, i'd need a ton of support to pull off the latter, which i have difficulty garnering :/

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Find inner strength. Know that you are a good person and that will shine through. Try being kind to those who are shunning you. Treat others the way you want to be treated and they will come around. If they don't it is their loss.

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I had this conversation with a good friend recently as my partner does this with children from a previous relationship and me (I am the step parent) from time to time. Speaking with my friend helped me to understand that when this occurs, my partner is feeling inadequate in other aspects of life. My partner will notice that I step up to challenges (making it look easy?) and succeed, without understanding it takes organization, ability to prioritize, set boundaries and focus. In an attempt to regain some control over the lack of self esteem (and fear of a situation?), my partner will attempt to put me back on a level playing field (knocking me down a peg or two?) in the way that history has proven successful...emotional and communication exclusion, ex: talking plans over with the children before me, not communicating who will be where and when, changing plans at a moment's notice. Needless to say, being an organized person, this drives me nuts because in some way it impacts my plans and what I need to do....if I want to participate in 'the plan' I have to be available which means giving up something I wanted/needed to do. It's a form of narcissism...trying to 'prove' my commitment or whatever else the muppet needs at the time. My friend's answer was "practise self care". Simple! Practise doing what I need to do to take care of me. Yes, it can look like ignoring, as was suggested by another contributor to this forum. Simply put, it's taking care of what I need to do and riding on the positivity that brings; self power, peace that I am doing what I need to do and gratitude that I didn't give my power away AGAIN! Yes, my desire is to spend family time....but not at the expense of giving another person my power (thanks Eleanor Roosevelt). It really does start at our own core. Remember the analogy of the drowning person; the rescuer will often be pushed underwater as the drowning person pushes them down in order to stay on top of the water. Hope my insights help. Stay strong! You're good!

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Thank you. These are very good insights. I especially like the part about self care since with mothers like me (and often woman in general) do not even think about taking care of themselves, but just others. I also like the part about setting boundaries, goals and meeting them.

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The last job I had was like that. I just tried my best and looked for another job. If I felt like I could approach my boss with any concerns I would have.



One company I worked for was the best company EVER! I am VERY sorry I quit. (Personal family stuff.) The company had upper management, several teams, and team leaders for each. Ours was great. Our boss was a great leader, very approachable, gave great advice, and I knew that she was there to help all of us. (After all, our success was her success! It made her look like a great teacher...and she is!) Our team was very close and we spent some time together out of the work environment. They were family. I still speak with a some of them! (Good jobs / environments like that DO exist!)



Maybe you could try speaking with your boss about your concerns. Being a manager means leading the group / team. If it is effecting your work - then DO speak to her. If she is not approachable, then look for employment elsewhere.

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I believe it's called marriage.

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