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When my husband and I got engaged there was a period of time where we moved in with my brother. WE stayed there about 5 months and while living there, my brother raped me. I didnt tell anyone until months after the fact. It was a huge ordeal when the truth broke. But now my family acts like nothing happened. I show up for christmas and birthdays and what do you know... there he is. And I'm expected to smile and act like nothing is wrong when I want to scream WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!! DOES NO ONE CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!?!
ladyjenova ladyjenova 26-30, F 21 Answers Apr 12, 2011

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I would go to the police and file a report. Rapists belong in jail, not at family gatherings.

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No. <br />
You need to call the police and report it...<br />
they will do an investigation...<br />
You shouldn't be in a situation like that where it is quiet. <br />
If he did it to his own sister, who else has he done it to ya know?<br />
Get him off the streets by all means.<br />
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(I don't know if they can do anything, because there is no evidence...but maybe he will confess, or they can find something) - If anything it will show that you are serious. You have your husband.<br />
And I tell you, you don't really need a family like this.<br />
Your better off without them.

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I know someone with a very similar situation. She simply realized that she had no friends in her family. Her new family (husband & son) loves her and they were there for her while she decided what she wanted to do. Finally she decided she didn't want to see ANY of her old family anymore and began spending all of her time with the people who love her.

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No one should force anyone to do anything. But I don't think you are being forced. You have a choice to go to family gatherings or not. If his presence there disturbs you, then you can choose not to go. Yes, it's wrong that the family isn't exercising justice in this matter and treating your brother as a rapist, but you can't control their reactions. Some families are like this...they'd prefer that "harmony" reign, regardless of the price to specific family members. Everything is expected to be "pleasant" for the sake of the family gathering. I ran into a similar problem like this with my own older brother. He never raped me, but he was a bully who mistreated me for many many years, including killing my pets. When we got older, it was a strain for me to be around him, and at last I just stopped trying to. Why put myself through that? If I wanted to see other family members, then I did. But I could not be around him without being honest about how I felt about him. <br />
I kind of wish I had said my peace to him one day....right in the midst of a family gathering. Just stood up and leveled my accusations into his smug smiling face. Called him what he was and told all that he did. As things go in families, there are usually way too many secrets.<br />
It could be that you need to stand up for yourself and accuse him openly and face to face. In front of everyone. Then stay or leave as you wish. But you would be able to know that there are no secrets and that your family has to deal with what happened along with you.

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Only if it's his funeral, I agree when you say "what is wrong with you people'. The only thing I can think of is maybe your brother twisted the whole thing around and convinced your family that nothing happened . I hope the best for you :)

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HE should be disowned from the family so you dont have to see him...Why should he be allowed to ruin holidays/family events for you? If I were your parents, I would never invite him to any gathering..

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I have a panic disorder and there is so much stress for me being around my family that I freak out and have panic attacks and dont go to most events. Which means that my kids dont go. Which means I get the grief of hearing how no one gets to see my kids. Its really complicated but you guys are right. My family is one that would rather sweep everything under the rug for the 'happiness' of the family. <br /><br />
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This event happened almost 8 years ago now. It came out to the family last summer. I told my husband, mom, sister, everyone at the time. I just dont know what going to the police would do since its been so long and there is no evidence. Ive thought about it plenty of times. <br /><br />
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I'm just tired of hearing about how no one sees my kids and then when i do show up there HE is. They dont even tell me he's gonna be there. I dont want to be the one that doesnt go because I love my family and miss seeing them but I dont want to be forced to be around this guy. And if i just leave if i see him there then my kids would get upset because they miss out on the party/whatever. <br /><br />
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I'm going to my moms this afternoon. I think I'll bring it up to her. Say I dont want to be around him anymore and REMIND her of WHAT HE DID TO ME!! *sigh* I hope I have the strength to stand up for myself yet again. I feel like my whole relationship with my family is at risk. :(

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The common mistake women usually do is to say that much later. It puts people in doubt was it like you say so or it wasn't. Probably your family believe him, not you. <br />
If you mother doesn't believe you, then I don't know what to say. She should know you both, she should know is he capable to do something like that.

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This is typical for families in which serious abuse occurs; no one wants to believe it and everyone wants to pretend it never happened. And they expect you to go along with it. I cannot see how they can force you to go to family gatherings if you are an adult. And, if you were a child, you could get a social worker, report what happened and the social worker and legal system would take your side.<br />
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So....what pressure of they using to get you to attend these gatherings? I would examine whether or not you want to give in to this pressure. It might be worth it to just pay the price, whatever that would be, and not have to go through the misery and humiliation of having to be in the same room with your attacker and the even worse humiliation of being reminded that your family has decided that it is better to ignore it than to find a way to be sensitive to you.<br />
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I would keep it low key. Next time there is a family gathering, arrange to go somewhere out of town. Avoid family gatherings in any way you can. If a family member discusses it with you, tell him or her that, on your doctor's advice, you have been told to avoid these gatherings.<br />
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You have every right not to go to these things. They cannot "force" you, they can only pressure you. I assume that your husband in on your side in this and will understand. People in your family have found it easier to just pretend it did not happen but you are not required to do that.

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Only with a ba<x>seball bat. What your family is doing is disgusting but probably nothing unusual for human nature. People do what is easiest unless they have their noses rubbed in their hypocrisy. It is easier in their cosy worlds to not have to deal with it, so they just pretend it didn't happen. People care, but they rarely care enough to actually change themselves.

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No.

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No. He should be put in jail.

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Sorry to say but he is a sick maniac and should be cane thousand of times.

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Rape is a felony offense. There is no statute on limitations for the filing of a report. At least the report will be made. Getting a conviction with a long passage of time would be the problem. <br />
Going to a family gathering if that person is going to be there is a matter of choice to be made by you.

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My own opinion, having had a father who has sexually abused me, is that you can't make them do anything. But, you do have a right to set standards and limits for yourself to make yourself more comfortable in that situation. Of course, the best course of action is to charge the assaulter, but having been violated by a family member like you, I know exactly how hard that can actually be to do. An example of my limits is I was assaulted while my father was under the influence of alcohol. And for the longest time, his drinking bothered me more than I think anyone can truly understand. So I set limits. When he's around me, he can't drink, period. Then after some counseling, I've begun allowing him to have one, then two. Unfortunately, two is my limit. Because after two, he starts looking glazed over, and I become that terrified little girl again. <br />
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A suggestion for you maybe is to pursue some counseling (you won't get any legal lashbacks because you're over 18) and ask a counselor what to do. Maybe start having your own family gatherings at your own home and start letting them know your brother is NOT invited. If he is invited by someone else you have every right to remove that inviter, and your brother, from your home. It will give you power and safety to have the ability to do things like that. Basically, control over the situation. And from experience, being wounded in such a horrible way, you can never have enough control when you're trying to heal.

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In many states there is a statute of limitations for rape charges; so after 8 years it may not be possible to file criminal charges as some are suggesting. But you STILL shouldn't have to deal with him at family gatherings. If your mother is aware of what happened to you and still welcomes him, she CAN'T really complain about not getting to see your children, she's in effect choosing HIM over having that privilege. I grew up near a family where as adults, a brother who was something of a screw-up murdered a sibling who was doing well, out of jealousy. The murderer's lawyer introduced his longstanding drug addiction, and he only served about 11 years total. When he came out, his mother took him back in, but none of the other siblings (7 in all) would come to the house or bring their children as long as he lived there. I wish you well with this situation...good luck.

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Hell no! Family or not. Rape is never justified Stay strong and have your brother arrested and tell your family to either support you or they will lose you. Just because someone is blood related to you doesn't make them "family".

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