If my child isn't comfortable...I'm not comfortable. No.

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A promise is a promise, especially to our children. When we promise and don't keep that promise, the child leans to distrust you and life. <br />
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In this situation, I see no justification for the parents deceit. The parent was wrong to promise and then continue seeing the person. If the child was an adult, they could stop associating with someone who lied to them over something they considered important. Since the child is unable to disassociate with the parent, silence is one of the few options they have to protect them self from an untrustworthy person.<br />
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On the issue of "just over one particular person," I have great concern. Children are hyper perceptive about people. I would be concerned that the child is picking up on immoral or unethical signals from the "friend" that we, as adults, have been taught to ignore.

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My friends son insists that it is just this one person and he doesnt rust this person to be around his mother. Before they even started dating he sent the man a message asking him to stay away from his mum and that he doesnt want the man around his brothers or his little sister. He lives with his dad and has told his mum he doesnt want to speak to her or see her because he cant trust her any more and he feels she has broken his heart. All of his mothers family have turned on him calling him a liar and saying he should put his mothers feelings first. I personally have very strong views on promises so am very careful about what promises I make and I am also very aware of childrens hyper perception but my friend is worried that maybe his ex wifes family are right and we are being over sensitive so I said I would see what other people think about it. Thank you for your answer

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Red flags. The son sees, senses, or knows something about the man that is not right. The fact that he would take the stand that he doesn't want the man around his brother and sister is extremely troubling. I don't know if the man is, but many pedophiles are extremely personable people. They fine tune their people skills so they can access children without suspicion. ..... The fact that the whole family has turned on the boy, tells me the man is very very persuasive. If he has turned the mother and the family against the child, there is a huge problem. ..... As for the "he should put his mother's feelings first." who is the adult here? Whenever possible, the child should come first. When a child selectively says, "Not him," the parent needs to listen.

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I agree 100%. If I was ever in that situation and had to choose between my children and a man I had only just met then I would choose my children every time no matter what

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yeah, i also agree

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I can't see myself allowing my child to determine whom I'd see, but I guess that's not the Q.<br />
If, for some reason, I had made a promise to my child about that, then I'd do my best to keep the promise. If I really really came to want to date that person, then I'd tell my child about it and hope that he would understand why I was breaking my promise. But I wouldn't sneak around and try to deceive my child. <br />
LIke I said, I can't see getting myself into that position. I'm an adult, and I determine whom I will and will not see. I'd never leave my love life up to my child. If my child disliked someone that much, then I'd try to find out why.

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Did the son ever explain why he feels so strong against that guy? Maybe something happened?

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He hasnt yet met the man he can only go on what he has seen between his mother and the man on facebook. He just said that he really doesnt trust him and doesnt want him around his family. His mother promised she wasnt going to date him but he found out a few days ago that she is seeing him. he now feels he cant trust her and has told his father he doesnt want to see her any more because she always puts herself ahead of her children

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did someone ever asked the boy why he's so against that man? you say he hasn't met the man, but how can you be sure of that if nobody actually asked the boy why he's so against that man? and how old is the son?

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The son is 12 and his dad has talked to him about it a lot and he says that he just doesnt trust him. He explained that he doesnt want his mum to get back with his dad or anything like that but he just has a bad feeling about this one man. I've sat and talked to him too because he will talk to me when he cant talk to his dad and he just keeps saying he doesnt trust this man and never wants to him or have this man around his family

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ic... well, this is a tough situation... children at that age can be good manipulators... and he may feel abandoned and he may actually want his parents to get back together... its a really tough call. but the thing is, even though i do agree that a promise to your child is very important, when it comes to parents' love life, you can't actually let your kids to manipulate who're you dating, unless you see that other person is bad for your kids and doesn't accept them and your kids don't accept him, after they've met and clearly you see it is not working out. but i'm surprised at why he's so against this particular one, and not the rest of them. maybe because it never got serious and now it did?

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It not really serious with this man yet either and the fact that even though the mother is upset this man hasnt even gone round to check she is ok speaks volumes to me. He definitely doesnt want his parents back together. At the moment a build up of things have him feeling that his mother never puts her children first and that he can not trust her

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i hope it works out

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It depends how old the child is. If You can reason with him/her try to understand the ob<x>jection and put the child in situations with your date to overcome the issue. Children don't run the show and if you make the rational judgment that he is good for you and your family, then don't hide it. The child will eventually come around.

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