Spray-paint: " My husband/wife refuses to have sex with me " on the garage door.
My wife and I have been together for more than 14 years,and she is disabled from Spina-Bifida.I still feel that we got married less than a week ago.We are as close as a couple can be.We laugh so much she sometimes has to tell me to stop with the ad-libs,already! my ribs are getting sore! We haven't had any sort of sex in probably five years.<br />
Over the last fourteen years,I've probably stumbled accross two,or three ********,but nothing exciting.<br />
I have found enough satisfaction just looking after her needs,-and knowing that she -really-truly-loves me.<br />
I've found that--to be better than sex anyday.Sex is fleeting--Love is forever
You are an incredible man & an awesome person. You know what real love & commitment are about!
The intimacy and connection you share with your wife is incredible. Those are components of sex that many people miss out on. Congrats on figuring out what works for you two!
I agree! sex isn't most important its the relationship--love, care, and understanding! Good for you and your wife is blessed to have you.
Finally someone on here that understands the difference between sex and love, Kudos to you sir you are a scholar and a gentleman.
You're not by chance married to my wife, are you?
If they came right out with the words? Permission to leave granted! No more guessing Awoken!
Too many fish in the sea to stick with a flounder.<br />
I'd start looking elsewhere for satisfaction.
For so many years I had hoped that the words there is always tomorrow would hold true but they did not, Then my Husband acquired MRSA in his spine and it left me with a dangerous angry man. Who thinks his life was really over the day we married. He asked his mother and me why we just did not meet him at the front door the night he came home from the military, showed some mercy and driven a butcher knife through him. Its horrible when you leave a man without hope.
I would leave. Without that, you are just room mates. Better to go and find someone you can be passionate with.
Personally, I would leave. I know that this isn't an option for everyone and i sympathize with you. Can you give her an ultimatum? Sex with her or with someone else?
First thing I would do would be to log in here and join the "I live in a sexless marriage" group, then I would log back off and cry streaking mascara tears.
Find out if she/he fully understands what that means to you. Sometimes the spouse honestly does not understand how and why it is important. Are you able to talk frankly about sex? Have you explained that without physical intimacy you do not feel loved or appreciated? What is the underlying issue? There could be a medical, emotional, cultural, informational, body image, or abuse, problem. You owe it to your marriage to try and work through the impass.
If she "dangles the carrot", she's not given up completely on sex. She and her lover are having fun with you. I know a guy that had the same exact thing happen to him. Sorry, but reality bites.
Adios amigo......life is too short for crap like that!!!
Second wife time pal.
Firstly dress myself up to the nines make a couple of calls arrainging hook ups for sex with others (all this in front of the jackass!)... enjoy my life without him though maybe still living with him and ofcourse all this is happening in between packing my stuff to bounce... he he he
I have heard those words and I am still in my marriage, living with the lady I love, for better or worse. I always thought that I would leave once it was clear there would never be sex between us again, but I haven't. Many have posted here that they would leave, but it is not so black and white. Sex and intimacy are very important parts of a relationship, but relationships are built on more than sex. Yes, I want intimacy back in my life but I am not prepared to rip our lives apart to do that. All I am saying is that you won't know how you feel until that moment arrives. You may feel that you can predict what you would do, but I am confident that you will only realize what you must do when that time arrives.
I'm amazed at the shallow answers here...I have to wonder how long they've been married, if they have kids & if they truly love their spouse...
I was in a marriage where my (then) husband told me 2 weeks after the wedding that we were "too old" for sex, and we should just "stop". Afterward, what had been a fairly-good sex life went to very very quick sex (3-5 minutes, no foreplay), and the frequency decreased. 3 weeks, 1 month, 6 weeks, 2 months, 3 months, between times. And, me begging for more. I stayed. I got depressed, essentially died slowly, got put on psychiatric medication that made me into a zombie for awhile, lost my career, then taken off of those meds when I had a life-threatening reaction to them. I did a lot of things personally - got another college degree, wrote a book, learned to design websites, but I lost PASSION. I was existing, not living. After 14 years, the guy decided to divorce me, without explanation. By then, my savings was used up.
I did love him, or thought I did. Evidently, it wasn't reciprocated.
I am a wife that used that particular carrot for decades, Then in the most horrible way it blew up in my face. The explosion started 13 years ago when I told my husband if he would just not take a job from the son of a county commissioners son and just be content where he was at after I had used this method of getting him to do as others wanted, but this time he told me I had used that promise and he knew it was not going to happen so In his words bloody well drop dead, he took the job ad when all peaceful means of getting him to stay put were exhausted it was decided to teach him his place in society, I did as his father and his Union President said and locked him out of the house that morning, The commissioners son bought three friends with him to teach my husband a lesson as to who had rights in their opinion my husband did not. They were just to rough him up a little, I stood in the door and watched as my husband used combat skills he learned before I ever met him, on these four men, the commissioners son even thirteen years later has lost most of his sight, one of his friends had to have a shoulder joint replaced, another lost a lung from the ribs tearing through it after my husband broke them and another had both hip sockets replaced from the damage my husband inflicted on them that night. My husband walked away unharmed and took the job. He Then turned to the door and tore the door out frame and all, He then told me if I ever locked him out for any beating again he would treat me as an enemy combatant and I would receive the same treatment as the others received. since then he has hurt a total of twelve men I found out including his father in our kitchen. his father felt my husband was rude to his best friend when my husband told them the only person I was going to escort that night was me, his father had set up reservations on who he expected to be at a cookout on memorial day and he expected my husband to be reasonable and leave his own home while the cookout was happening and the after dinner club. My husband was not reasonable, He said my house, my food my equipment. I am staying, Usually on the holidays he had me go with one of his friends for after dinner drinks but this time my husband striped his friend of his reservation with the threat of bodily harm and made his fathers friend run for his life. His father said I am tired of your lip for one day and my husband had to be retarded to not understand he was not invited. He broke two fingers on my husbands face slapping him. my husband showed what respect he had left for his father when he said I am tired of your interference in my life and marriage and from this second on you have no say in either and balled his fist and broke his fathers jaw. In front of 30 other guests and friends as well as his brother, sister and his mother and said I told everyone pigs were going to fly. she also said I don't think anyone needs to be told stop ticking my son off.
I am at a loss now. in turmoil as to what was right or wrong. My husbands father says we had a right to keep my husband under control for 32 years, But the legal powers that be say we conspired to deny civil rights to my husband, the also say as a group we took it upon ourselves to make a man into an indentured servant by threat and intimidation as well as cohersion. They point out the journals I kept as an admission on my part in this. So I told them what my father in law said and did to keep my husband in what they called his place, in society as well as what others said and did to help in this enforcement, I was asked at the end of my deposition what did we have to do this, why I used my marriage as a way to blackmail my husband into compliance with what was wanted by others. All I could say was it was not supposed to be any thing but a time to allow society to get used to my husbands return from the military. It was for family integrity, it was as a favor for those in social hierarchys. What my husband calls the country club set. His father still does not think we did any thing wrong, But when I read and others read my husbands journals or what he calls his logs, The resentment was building from the day he came home on, Its something that has become a soul poison, He has not allowed me to continue making him stay sexless last year he took over that decision from me by force. I live 1200 miles west now. No where near where his father lives, with my husband.
His father still try's to interfere however, He wants my husband to put men he does not trust, or care to know now to put them up for hunting trips out her. My husband told him they could stay away. I will be spending Christmas out here with my husband as well as thanks giving, It feels funny not to have to plan for more than eight people this year My mother, my sister, her husband and two children, me and my husband and his mother, She became feed up with the situation between my husband and his father and is going to let him take care of his friends. From what my sister in law says the only thing my father in law is looking to have on thanksgiving is a turkey TV dinner now because there wont be any one there to run the show for guests. my sister in law is spending this year with her other brother in Pigeon Forge TN on thanksgiving. Due to the way we handled my husband for 32 years the traditions made, the memories of the nice times are now tasting like ash. I keep reading his logs thinking there must have been even one day he remembers as a good day in the 31 years he worked before MRSA set in, but every day its more today was another day heaving this metal, receiving this part, running this machine, there is nothing to indicate he had any good times in this period, I wrote how we did not forget where he was on the holidays he worked 16 hour shifts and did not have any way to go get something to eat, so when we went out we took a couple of sandwiches for his main meal from the holiday meat, we never saved any thing else for him, His father said he did not need anything else. But the last New years eve we did this he actually through the ham sandwiches at us and threatened to walk out of my life at that point. A coworker that had much less seniority than my husband launched a jibe and sais we will dance some dances for you and make sure your pretty wife is well kissed at midnight. I was home when he got there the next morning and told me he wanted the same meal served the night before, there was nothing left to serve. I thought that That was a morning he was going to paint the walls with my blood. He said just get out of the house for awhile I went to his fathers who said he just wants not to act like a man should.
Now he is forcing his rights over all others, he could care less what others need or want, he comes first, and if there is any interference he will defend his rights with a lot of pain, When legal services looked at his time sheets until he acquired MRSA in his spine, from 1978 to 2010 he had less than twenty days off. That's an average of less than one and a half days off per year, then the hospitals, rehab, and the other medical he had to go through the last 3 and a half years. I suppose that it was time we had no right to ask of him, especially since he had the right to take it. I had not seen that coworker since that new years eve at one of the get togethers. The last four years. He used to be a fixture every year. I found out that last New Years the next work day he went in and tried to get a reaction from my husband by telling him how nuice it was to wake up next to me the new year morning. It had never happened but somehow when my husband and him had to strap a large motor up to get it down from a shelf 50 feet off the floor. he somehow tripped on one of the straps and feel to the floor. The others in his department said the man had been needling my husband all day so after reading his logs I found my husband arranged an accident. this man can hardly walk now. Forcing a man like my husband into a sexless life has been a bad experience for everyone, from him there is nothing that says he is willing to forgive the lose of rights we forced. He wants 32 years of life returned to him by all concerned and there were many. Now we live here He wants nothing from his father and his friends but they have nothing to say to him now, I am a subservient wife now, After he forced the sex issue last year I don't try and refuse. My mother was the most disappointment after she found out what I had done. But this caused an air of fear among everyone that has to even see my husband, no one knows his next impact, or how much damage it will cause. I think he has started to like the punishing of others that offend his rights.
Talk it over, and see if we could agree to get help together - if both wanted to ?<br />
I think it would seal the deal for me.
I would say: "I'm going to go get laid, then. Please have your **** out of my home by the time I get back tomorrow morning, and my lawyer will be in touch with you shortly."
Um, I'd head South....
It's just wrong for someone to cut you off. Alienation of affection. If someone could be so insensitive to bluntly say "never" than it's over, whether you want to see it or not. Unless you are willing to be their doormat and give them that power over your happiness, you have to consider leaving. You might love them, but they are telling you-are you willing to hear it? They are done with you! No negotiation, if they are that detached from you and don't consider your feelings- it's over. They are daring you to make the next move, they have informed you of their own feelings and want distance from you. I'm not talking about illness or extreme situations, just selfish controlling partners that use sex and affection as a means of manipulation, and humiliation.
I admit that I what I used sex as, A way to manipulate, my husband into doing anything for others, needs, It was a plan his father came up with and I was expected to execute, It worked for 16 years, Then all hell broke loose, people stated getting hurt, firearms were used to force my husband into doing what we required, and now there have been people that nearly died for this.
His father showed up on thanksgiving this year, the first thing my husband did was pack his horse and our son and take off on the trail for high range, I felt so bad about the way my husband ruined thanksgiving, He was going to stay but his father got on his back, about how bad he tore the family traditions up that he just was not going to hear it, would not even let his father touch his grandson..
I know that I helped his father keep my husband under the thumb of everyone for decades, his mother told his father why did you have to come open your trap to his father. and I just don't understand why my husband just would not let his father have his say, but he did tell his father that he had nothing to say ever again in his life.
I can't live like this with my husband bundling his son up and taking him whenever he does not want us to open our mouth as to what rights he has. Now I have to get on the radio and beg my husband to come home I have Emailed him and said I did not back his father, just wanted him to listen and try and understand, that what happened was not really what was meant, that what happened was something that everyone thought made him a man of tremendous character.
Now there is no character, There's only hate, rage and the iron rule we wont tell my husband his rights again, he wont allow it even if we have to give in to him for those rights..
Right now we are arranging for a Heilo to take us to high range We know they arrived the day before yesterday, he radioed us. His father says he being petty again and he was slapped for it by his mother about his big mouth,
Does anyone have any ideas about how to get peace how to just get my husband to forgive the past wrongs.
I wont refuse sex with my husband ever again without cause, but he has got to understand every one had an agenda that did not line up with his, and ever one felt they had right to use whatever weapon they needed to see to their agenda.
Now we are all paying a price for being abusive, me most of all.
All these people (men?) immediately say leave! No questions asked. How pathetic. Is that the only thing marriage is about? So if your spouse was unable to have sex for some health reasons, you would just leave them? Wow. I think that he should at least try & talk to her & maybe have some marriage counseling, see what this is about before he just leaves. I have to wonder how strong of a marriage some of you must have for it to be so easy to just "walk out"...Of course this is a view point from someone who is a parent & has been married for 24 years. Things probably look much different to a young person who hasn't been married very long & has no children.
I have stayed through 3 surgeries and now she is capable and has told me at one point that she will never have sex with me again. I am comptemplating divorce. Everyone wants something different from a relationship. I want love attention affection and sex. I want to know and feel that I am wanted and desired and not just needed to support her. She also started seeing an ol boyfriend for about 4.5 years and never told me she had even talked to him. He lives 450 miles away and went to that town at least four times ayear during that time. All under the guise of seeing her mother. We have been married 36 years and the sex stopped when she started seeing him. They were calling each other for at least 4 years at the rate of 25 to 62 times a month. I have waited for 18 months for her to heal and now she still wants more time.She knew what the intimacy meant to me and know she doesnt want a divorce but is not willing to give in at all to make me happy. So don't say men just say leave I have stayed for eighteen month even with what she did. Women are just as bad as men. we all have our faults and it is not just one sex saying leave, if you will read farther women have voiced the same discontent about sex as the men have. So You need to be realistic not sexist.
I must say...it's a whole different situation if she is not having sex because she is seeing someone else!!! Especially after you patiently waited through her health problems. I hope you meet someone worthy of your patience & understanding who gives you the love & attention (physical & otherwise) that you deserve!