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So Ive booked our wedding today and after 3 years of estrangement from my parents Im not inviting them. In fact there is only going to be 12 of us - his parents, my sister, our children and a set each of best friends. So I have a large family and they will all be cross that they are not invited, even though they are not in my life. Its been a tough few years, my head is all over the place and Ive never felt settled with this situation. Its out of my hands though and for damage limitation purposes Ive had to really back off and cut all contact. So why does it hurt and why am I worried. Why am I asking myself WHO is going to tell my parents, WHO is going to tell my family, when people start talking about our wedding - should I tell them? Please help before the ruminating takes over my life.
violetcherry violetcherry 31-35, F 15 Answers Apr 24 in Parenting & Family

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Great idea...Tell them you're getting married...But they're not invited to the wedding !! That will settle it for you.

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It's ultimately up to you and your spouse. This is your day. Do what you want. Don't be bullied into doing something you don't want to do. Congratulations! ;)

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It is your decision to make. Do what you are comfortable with.

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Since this is an estranged relationship, you already know that no matter what you do, there will be a problem, so why allow the problem to be TODAY, your wedding day?<br />
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Therefore, delay the problem, talk to them later (2 weeks from now) and explain (which they will not understand or support anyway so be ready emotionally) that you didn't want any fuss ON YOUR DAY and felt that since they were not currently involved in your life and that it would be best to handle things this way. Also include that it caused you pain to make this decision but your relationship is not in the place where you would like and you have to deal with things this way for now.<br />
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Then express that you are sorry about hurting them, if you did (which you did - but to protect yourself) and wish things would change as you all get older and you all learn how to work through problems and grow and come together once again.<br />
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That's it.... Make TODAY YOUR DAY and DELAY this problem and conversation for two to three weeks, but no longer. <br />
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Happy Wedding Day and Congrats!!

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I understand. I would like to do the same actually (when I finally find the one, lol). <br />
I was thinking, exotic location would be a good excuse-too far away. Or in a place where visas are needed, invitation given but no way to get a permit on time.

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If they don't support you <br />
no need to send them any invitation

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assuming you're only getting married once, and I hope you are, if there is any possible way to ha ve them there I think it's the right thing to do

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One of the most important things to do when setting up house with someone, as in marriage, is to be clear to family and others who is in charge of your life. This seldom comes without cost. No one likes to jettison family, but if it's a question of your own sanity and happiness, do it and write them a letter saying why.<br />
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It's called a Personal Declaration of Independence. All children must do this at some point or they will be defined by their need to be liked or their need to go along with whatever they perceive as the "right thing to do."<br />
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It's very tough to declare yourself an adult. Good luck.

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Hi :) I Like your idea of writing a letter to them. This might be the answer to stop my head from torturing myself with "who is going to tell them" ... I still care of course, I care that someone will tell them in the street...
Many thanks x

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MY daughter's friend eloped to Niagra Falls. IT was completely planned with a wedding gown, tux, and a honeymoon but no family. Harrumph! I'd like to see the day! I told my daughter...go ahead, try it. You'll see me hiding behind the potted palm!

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Many members of my extended family are getting married now. Those with limited budgets are only inviting the older generations. Its completely understandable. The family policy? Send the couple gifts if you're going or not going...they need it!

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I don't have a relationship with my mother so it would be slightly odd to spot her behind a plant! Maybe I should hire security ;)

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Good for you.....forget then in laws, that ll be better

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Really your decision. If they hurt you, then just have a talk with them, and explain why they are not invited. Or course you would be worried about them. Of how they would react and think. Just really think about your decision before taking them out or in the wedding.

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I wish I could stop thinking about it for five minutes to give my head a rest! :) They've not been in my life for 3 years now (nor my children's) I think it would be weird if I DID invite them... x

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That's your life. But you should invite them anyway. Otherwise it's disrespectful. Or at least your mother. You wouldnt be here today, if it werent for her.

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To be fair (and I appreciate your answer) it is a lot more complicated than that and everyone who knows the small print says that she doesn't deserve us :)

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This is not going to be an easy answer because I don't know all the facts....why are you estranged from your parents and family ?

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Ah, if you look on my experiences then I have posted several times about this estrangement :) x

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My first wedding was like that.

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With no parents? How was it? x

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It was fine really... My parents were divorced and did not get along with each other even though the divorce had taken place over ten years prior... anyway because of that we decided rather then choose one to go over the other we simply would not invite either of them... it actually went find although they were both kind of hurt about not being invited especially by the explanation but there really was no fall out from it. I still think to this day it was a good decision as it avoided a lot of conflict that would have been going on during the wedding.

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