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CopperBlaze CopperBlaze 31-35, F 13 Answers Nov 16, 2012 in Parenting & Family

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don't let this stuff get to you...when angry my dad says that i'm like my grandma, which is very hurtful,knowing how much he hates her.<br />
but keep your chin up, and know that they are wrong about you!

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thanks! I do my best you have those days though you know. my parents are just so mean to each other. It makes me wonder how did they ever once love each other?

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there really is a fine line between love and hate..and people do change and it can become hard to love somebody who you used to love before. it sounds sad, but you just have to keep strong and learn from their mistakes too ;)

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yeah I think I am hyper aware of my relationships and surroundings. think sometimes it is bad because I have a tendancy to let people get away with stuff.

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i do the opposite..i notice all the flaws and don't even want to bother.

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I think there has to be some balace somewhere still trying to learn how to balance.

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We all look in morror and see person looking back. qeution comes up who am I. Will I be like my father or my mother in ther actions or will I be my own person. What person will that be that why we look morror for answer for we may never know. just have to take it day by day

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Thanks!! I like to think I am a well balance of the two. Everyone has flaws so I would never consider myself perfect but it can be hurtful at times for sure.

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My parents did the same thing, dragging each other's skeletons out and all. They divirced when I was three and the hate never stopped until they were both dead. <br />
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Their strategy backfired: I believed them both.

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My father tries to lie about stuff as if I didnt see them with my own two eyes. I seriously think he thinks I am just stupid and that I cannot figure it out on my own. Who knows I am probably really dramatic. Lol. My mother on the other hand most of the time I just feel sorry for her becaue the betrayel was more then I could have handled. Honestly he didn't do the things to me but they were still very hurtful to me.

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Just a couple of days ago, I told my daughter this: I look a lot like both of my parents, and sometimes when my mither looked at me I could see that I remend her so much of my dad it was sometimes difficult to resist hating me. She was that bitter. And she (my daughter) looks so much like both my wife and I it reminds me of how much we loved each other when we brought her into the world, and never to forget that. My wife and I are on the brink of splitting up, so I wanted her to understand how much we both love her and how she is living proof of the love we once had, and no matter how bitter or angry I am about her mother I will never equate her with my bitterness.

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That is really good that you are able to do that meaning that you are able to look at your daugther and see before the bad because really she was. I don't think my parents actually had a before the bad? I could be wrong. You know how sometimes they say that people have children thinking it will strengthen their bond well in my parents case it did not work.

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I don't mean to be rude but that's not s good attitude. You stack the deck against youself for self-esteem thinking that way. Couples have children in love. If your parents are stingy about it theyre either forgetting or are too stubborn and bitter to admit it. Don't let their hate poison your sense of identity this way.

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You are right. What is between them is between them. They are just so hateful to each other that it is hard to reconize that they were once in love. If I love someone even if they hurt me I could not hurt them I am just not that kind of person.

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no, it just means they're too self-centred to be nice to you

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I do think there is alot of selfishness going on there.

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Unfortunately, much as we don't want to be like our parents we pretty much do copy them as they are all we see when very young and they teach us up to about age 5.<br />
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Look at it in computer terms. A computer comes with hard coded instructions, right. You can add programs and remove them as you wish. But changing that hard coding is for experts only and that is what changing what you learnt as a child is like. It IS hard coded and so hard to overcome. I still haven't done so at age 61. I know what most of it is but can I change it? Not a chance. It's so automatic I have learn to live with and around those things.<br />
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An example? I was taught never to be late, always be early or dead on time. Stressed to me so often I feared being late and still, today I always turn up early at whatever meeting or appointment I have. If it looks like I am going to be late as soon as the alotted time arrives it seems a bell goes off and I start panicking. Yes, docs and shrinks have talked with me about it and I know it doesn' usually matter. But it does to me.<br />
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As a manager of 35 people when I held a meeting I gave them the time the meeting was to commence and that's when I started the neeting. If anyone turned up late I told them to go away or just locked the door. I just cannot stand one person holding everyone else up sothey penaise themselves. Others tolerate it and waste everyone's day.<br />
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Try understandingwhat it is that makes yu ike them and try working on changing that. Good luck.

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This is actually something I think about alot. There are things that are inate and you cannot change maybe the things my mom hates and my dad hate are inate? It is hard cause I want my parents to not hate being around me. I am old enough and have my own life going on that it shouldn't really matter but man it does. FYI I cannot tolerate people being late. Things happen totally get that but some people do not regard others and how important their time is to them.

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I think you got it. You have picked those sorts of things up from your parents. They usually try and give us good messages, or what they believe is good. But they forget we also pick up on their behaviour and absorb that too.
Yeah that late thing I agree with but it can dominate me when it shouldn't. Cannot stop it. There are other things too I just can't overcome but at least I know what they are and where they came from. I know my mother tried to teach me all the etiquette type things from the early part of last century. But most of them have little relevance today. My father, he was a very spiteful man who ran every one down behind their backs. So you knew if you weren't there then you were getting stabbed. And over nothing. He feigned love but really didn't like or know how to deal with any children. He didn't know how to play and was always pushing the education barrow. Which caused me to deliberately do as badly as I could to avoid further study. He turned me against any authority and I still reject what an authority says first and then try to work out what is right.Today I think that was a great result for me because I am opposite to most people who just accept and do what they are told. I go the opposite way every time, thanks to my father's attempts to push me where he wanted me to go.
They are things we must learn about before we can live with them. I don't know if they can be changed as they are so deeply a part of me and you too. all people I suspect.

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NO Kid...it means their angry and hurt people, hurt people....there not thinking about how it makes you feel. Your a little of both of them, good and bad. Shake it off,,,Im sorry those words came out of you parents mouths.

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They are definitely angry and most of the time it comes out when I don't do something their way or do agree. They are not very good parents when it comes to that they are kind of selfish and what hurts them they take out on me cause I take it.

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This is not stuff you can just "shake off".

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Interesting perspective because some people think it is somethign you can just shake off and I think if I could shake it off I would have along time ago.

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need to figure out how...life gets harder than lousy parents...i want the kid to learn how to make it and not dwell on the past OR the pain, cause neither of them will help her build a life she is happy with.

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Honestly I try on to dwell it is not in my nature but that does not mean I don't have bad days yesterday was kind of a bad day. I am definitely not as happy as I could be but I try to be most everyday.

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it means you shouldnt listen to your parents when they are fighting

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They don't talk they have been divorced for over 14 years but they say that to me still when they are disgusted. It is hurtful and how do you get disgusted with your child?

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I'm sorry :( that isn't cool at all. In all honesty though, a lot of people take out their anger on the wrong (available) person, which in this case is you. When my parents try this sort of stuff I tell them that I dont want to hear it...if they have a beef with someone else they should go talk to them and leave me out of it. (it is usually between my parents and sister). Because you can generally tell when it is actually about you, and when it is really them -- either way it sucks though and I think you should gently tell them this. It doesnt have to be excessively confrontational ..just tell them how you feel

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How does a young child not listen to their parents when they are so young they havge no choice? The damage is done between 0 - 5 years old.

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Yes, you just leave. When you're old enough.

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My mom and I have talked about it and I think she understand but my father he is a different ball of wax all together we don't really get along so well. It is very hard to discribe. It usually occurs when I have said something they don't agree with or do not like. I should be able to get passed it honestly but somedays it bothers me like today. Lol.

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Leaving is pretty hard concept honestly. I am a fully grown person and I can fin for myself but I still want to know that I have made my parents proud and that they love me.

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yeah...i know what you mean I am the same way. And even as though you are an adult, it still hurts.

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There are things in your life that wound you to the point that you have scars and for the most part they heal but that does not mean that you don't have underlying pain every once in a while.

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absolutely. Sorry I made a mistake up there...it should have said " even though you are". Yup, I think everyone, no matter how calm they appear, have things that upset them. Mine is when people insult my intelligence. It stings very much even though I know I am smart and capable of doing the things they seem to think I can't (in the very least in my field). I try to be humble and I think people see that as a weakness. It sucks, and it gets me everytime.

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I can totally understand that one. I am kind of the same way. There are days when I know with a full vat of confidence that I am intelligent but then there are days when people say things and I think man I must be stupid and is usually when some insinuates that I don't understand them.

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It means they have issues with each other. lol

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That makes total sense I am at the age it shouldn't matter but why do they have to be so hateful to each other. Blek

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No your stuck in the middle.

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They both say it out of anger and man it makes me feel like crap. Lol.

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Well i had parents that didn't want me, but i must say i'm like my mother in a lot of ways and a lot ways i'm nothing like her.

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I am sorry about that. I don't understand that. I am a parent and I could not imagine my life without my child.

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It was back in the 60's and those times where tough,but i'm not happy about it and will never get over it. Well my two sons are doing well.

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That is good not repeating the cycle is a good thing.

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It's a very good thing.

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U tell them I am like none of u

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You're not my daughter are you? lol ... that sounds familiar :(

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