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I had a talk with my second daughter last night and she said that the reason my two other children are failures is because of how I brought them up. She is in the Army, married, has a car, a home, a husband, attended college, and is doing very well. She said that she is a failure too and has nothing. I was a single parent and while they were minors living with me none of them got into trouble with the law, didn't drink alcohol or use illegal drugs. I did without so that they would have whatever they needed and some of what they wanted. When they were upset I consoled them. When somebody bullied them I was there to kick butt and for all that I thought I was a good mother, my children dislike me. I have towed that line, sticking my neck out doing for them even after they left my home and still I get treated like I was a bad mother. A bad mother would have walked out on them. A bad mother would not have done without for them. A bad mother would not have supported them or encouraged them or talked to them. I was and am a good mother and they keep taking that away from me the way they talk about me and put me down to others and make me out to be crap. When I was 18 I enlisted into the Army. I had a child and my mother called me into the bedroom one day and she tells me that I need to watch how she does this because I will have to do this some day and she proceeded to show me how to make hospital corners with the sheets. THAT IS ALL MY MOTHER EXPECTED ME TO BE and it was at that moment that I decided I was gonna change what she thought I was worth and I was gonna take care of my child and so I enlisted. Back then the government made single parents give up their children so my mother adopted my daughter so that I could go in and she raised her until I could get her back legally when she was 10. I did and I had gotten married. Here it is 31 years later and my second daughter tells me I had no business going into the Army and letting my mother raise my daughter and it's MY fault that my oldest daughter is as messed up as she is. So although I didn't raise my oldest child my mother did it's MY fault that she is messed up not my mothers--(she had just said that it's how a child is raised that makes them so since I didn't raise my oldest daughter how is her life now MY fault?) It doesn't make sense. It's like no matter what I do whether I'm around or not it's MY fault. I am to blame for their bad choices. I told her as an adult their choices are their own and that they knew wrong from right just like I did. It didn't matter. This child of mine says I should have been harder on all of them to succeed on one hand then on the other she tells me that I was too hard. There's something wrong with her mentally. But after listening to her cut me down at every turn and belittling me and being malicious and hateful I said if that's how all of you feel about me then why the hell do you still talk to me and that's when she said that she talks to me because she knows that I am sick. I can't describe how much that hurt me. I put the phone away for a minute as reality sunk in and I said out loud "because I'm sick" and then I hung the phone up. I had nothing else to say to her after that. I didn't know that this entire relationship was now on my health. What is that? I deserve better than that. Since I know now that this is what's been going on and not some miracle acceptance I don't want anything to do with any of them period. I had plans to leave the area and not come back and to never have contact with them again and now I'm back to that plan. I'm better off alone and away from all of them. I have some things to work out but as soon as I can I'm moving and starting my life over like I wanted to but didn't because fate dictated that I stayed here for whatever reason. Maybe to find out the truth again. That pretty much covers how all three of them feel about me so now I can go on and leave and find a new city and make new friends and be content. I have cut ties with every one of them as of the end of that phone call last night. I'm not answering my phones either. It's done. I have no children.
Comprehensive2 Comprehensive2 31-35 19 Answers May 24, 2009

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now y9u have abandonded them, walked out on them and proven them right, if you raised your children with the same forgivness as you are showing now it's no wonder that they haven't forgiven you yet

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No, a parent is not responsible for most of what an adult child does.<br />
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And your daughter is wrong about you. You know it already -- so now start believing it.

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My children are my world. I would fight the rest of my life to make things better. This has nothing to do with single parenting somewhere down the road the kids lost what it mean to respect. There r 2 sides to every story. But for one to be that unhappy with themslves, it is easier to blame you then to figure out how to change or work thru their issues. Don't you run, they will always be your children.

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No ! <br />
Absolutely not !!<br />
We are the cause of our troubles ! <br />
Not our parents.............!!

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Once children become adults they are responsible for their own choices. It is much easier to blame one's parents than the admit to personally making a wrong choice! I went through that blaming phase myself - and then so did my children. Those parents who have done the very best they can for their children cannot reproach themselves. Usually, people don't understand their parents until they become parents themselves!<br />
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As for you yourself, I commiserate. You were hurt by your parents, presumably hurt by whomever left you alone and pregnant, and now hurt by your children. I can see that you have never felt more alone. It's just my opinion, but maybe a "time-out" is just what you need. Some time away from each other. But don't expect it to be permanent. You can drop friends but it's almost impossible to drop family. It might be a good idea to make your "withdrawal" from family life on as positive a basis as you can - let your children know that you are deeply wounded and need to sort out your feelings by yourself for awhile. I do hope this helps.

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First i am sorry you are going through this . Coming from harsh upbrining and watching the different perspectives emerge ... It is not you fault , we all make our own choices some people are able to fight against the odds to change the most horrible of circumstance others look to place blame and do not try to turn it around. I know someone as we speak who s life is always chaos and blame (on parents) it is on them ,they are adults and need to accept the fact they are in charge of their destiny . My bad choices were all mine mom and dad didn't make me go down that road.

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i think not parent cannot be solely responsible .. for bad choices adult child makes.... but in these i often observed around me that we always blame other for our personal failures .. we did not take responsibilities.. thats why we always blame. .

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the simple answer: no, a parent is never to blame for everything their adult child does or did. Your daughter sounds like she has unresolved issues about life, etc. But those are HER problems, and not your fault. I doubt you were a perfect parent because no one is. But she is an adult now, and is old enough to find solutions to her problems. Blaming you for everything wrong in her life is not only childish, but it is grossly unfair, hurtful and it fails to take responsibility for her own actions. She's blaming you, hoping you'll take credit so that she won't have to blame the only person she truly can blame: herself. This is an emotionally manipulative tantrum. It's not your fault. <br />
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Suggest if she feels that your raising wasn't enough, that she get a therapist to help her recover. At the very least, a therapist would help her learn to grow up and face her own problems instead of trying to blame others people in her life for them. It's very hard when someone you love and sacrificed a lot for turns around to attack you. Hopefully she will outgrow it and mature eventually. Best of luck.

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I think the parents are responsible for providing the foundation from which a child gets guidance and uses as basis in making decisions but at some point when the child is already an adult, he/she is expected to be able to make his own decisions.

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I'm sorry, I didn't have time to read your whole story, but I must say an adult is never responsible for thoughts and actions of another adult. From the little I read it seems you brought your kids up right. They need a slap. It doesn't matter how you raised them they are responsible now and they have no right saying you are to blame.

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not solely. <br />
"a person is the sum of accumulated experiences in his/her life" <br />
so yes, parents "create and modelate" the nucleus of the individual, but then friends, school, society, plus his own free will, all come into play and further modelate.<br />
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i love and respect my mom, she was single parent to 4 kids and i can't ever explain all the sacrifices she did. she did some mistakes that affects our lives even now, after so long. Can't be all perfect i guess. But we the kids we love her cause we know she only meant good.<br />
she lived for us only. how can you blame someoe for that.

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in answer to the first question- i think no: everyone gets to grow up and decide who they want to be now that they are on their own.<br />
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as to the rest of your situation- i think that blood does not make family, and you and your children might be happier if you spent more time with your own 'chosen family' and not each other.

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OK, I did not read the entire length of what you wrote, but from what I read, it does NOT sound like you're a bad parent. You had a difficult situation and you did the best with what you had. You sacrificed a lot for your children and taught them values and how to live. That is all you can do for children. If you teach them right from wrong, and teach them how to make their own choices then you have done all you could. You can not make the choices for them! Nobody can tell you that you are to blame for their bad choices. <br />
It does happen that people who have good parents, the kind who discipline their kids and make them understand what's right and what's wrong, and how to get on in the world and how to treat people still can have children who do terrible things. Anyone can make a bad choice, it's that simple. <br />
Just take drugs. They are everywhere. All it takes is one bad decision and then it's like "OK, I used drugs" Then it's easier to do it again and again, and that's how people become addicted. But the point is, almost anyone would give in to that temptation if they were approached by a drug user (friend) at the opportune moment, ie, when they are at their weakest or lowest point, or just not feeling very strong in willpower. <br />
that's just an example. But then so many things can go wrong in people's lives. You could have an unplanned pregnancy, or a job loss. Anything. <br />
You can't blame a parent for EVERYTHING that goes wrong or say that because you were not brought up "right" you failed in life. That's ridiculous anyway because the kids are young enough to turn their failures around. It's not over till you die. <br />
and guess what, if they do turn their "failed" lives around, they can give you credit for bringing them up to be hard-working and persistent , and yes, able to overcome obstacles and "failings".

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No. But they do have to take responsibility for the things that they did do. I have some problems because of my parents and my daughter has some problems because of me. My mom can't chnge the past and neither can I but we CAN learn from it. I went to therapy for a long time and found that the only behavior I could change was my own. My reactions to my mom became different and we now have a decent relationship. My daughter and I are close but I can see where I could have done things better. The truth is that I can't change it but I can help her by listening and empathizing with her. My Mom is mentally ill, Bi-polar, but she didn't know it till she was retired. I have PTSD and have to work on that. My daughter wishes that her mom didn't have to be the messed up one, but she loves me and understands that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. We are all responsible for good and bad in our lives. The trick is to keep loving each other and communicating without name calling or blaming. I tell my mom, " when you say this it makes me feel......... Usually I am taking her wrong. Words are misleading and misunderstanings happen all the time. Leave if you want, but that won't mend your heart. Working on it with your kids may. Just maybe you need therapy yourself? It never hurts to check out all the options. Hope this helps.

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Ooh I feel there is something in the air.....I also had one of those final arguments last night with my son. Its hurtful to any parent but we single parents who have given everything and more for our kids, the pain runs deep.<br />
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I just had a comment from a teen, on my story....it touched my heart.<br />
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I wrap my arms around you and pray the pain goes away.<br />
Love <br />
Lorraine xxx

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I AM A PARENT WHO GOT ADDICTED to drugs at an early age I HAD 4 KIDS,ALL BLAME ME FOR THE CHOICES THEY MADE .i admit i should have done better as a parent. but i came from a abusive home,my mother turned all my siblings against one another,making us fight each other, my mother never showed love.and i trid hard not to do that to my kids she helped me with the first two but then she totally ignored the other two,my oldest two kids still hold grudges.still reminds me that there lives are messed up well i got saved by grace.got my self in church and now my life is better and they life is in shabbles and i am blamed for all that is wrong with there life.I just pray about it. i cant give them those years back ,only keeping moving foward for myself they tell me don'T TRY TO BE THERE MOTHER NOW.BUT UNTIL THEY LEARN TO FORGIVE THERE LIVES WILL ALWAYS BE AT AN HALT, i WILL KEEP ON THE RIGHT PATHWAY, AND I JUST THANK GOD FOR FORGIVING ME AND NOT GIVEN UP ON ME.

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how a child is raised can leave the child with a certain amount to overcome. i am pretty much a disaster-- i engage in self-destructive addictive behaviors and i have real intimacy and closeness issues. my mother pretty much ignored me and didn't give a crap. but now it's my responsibility to do what i'm supposed to do-- i.e. STOP blaming her for my failures and get on with my life. i've been able to do so reasonably well but i still slip up sometimes... such is life.

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I am currently conducting research. I am currently recruiting parents of adult who are involved in an abusive relationship. Encourage folks to take the survey at www.TakeSurveyNow.2Truth.com

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