I have been married for 25 years to my . husband. he is 24 years sober. he is a wonderful person. we we're both single parents of 3 year-olds when we got married. we adopted each other's kids and had three more. it's been a beautiful ride.I think the hardest part of loving an addict is the self centeredness of the addict and of recovery. they must put themselves first to be able to be there for anyone else. it's hard at times . a spouse of a drinker or addict needs to develop a strong sense of self . especially for difficult times when they cannot comfort you because they are struggling for themselves.
I am a new wife (not young though, 45 yrs. old) currently struggling with a very determined 4 months sober husband. I understand much but am having a hard time with this self centerdness you mention. I get that it is necessary. My concern is if there are any redeeming ways that he can concern himself with me without his own personal negative consequence. I find I am constantly justifying his selfish ways in the name of his sobriety. Also realize it is new & quite difficult to find a balance.
He spent time at a halfway house & it did help him to motivate him to seek work & be productive. It is & was my belief he returned home too soon. He did fall back into his unmotivated self but he did recognize it & quickly made a decision to return to the halfway house. Of course this had to be & how it left me & my daughter had to be of no concern to him. Any thoughts you can share would be appreciated. Sometimes I wonder if I excuse him too much...
Have you found there to be any boundaries at all in this aspect?
yup. married to my husband 40 year total, 30 years sober. the first 10 years were hell. when he got sober, the next 30 years have been heaven. good luck. you'll need it.
I have been married to a recovering alcoholic for 16 years. We had been "together" for 4 years prior. I qualify together because those 4 years were pure hell. She was drinking, cheating on me with several other men and was abusive. I finally left her, but got back together with her after she had been in recovery for awhile, and she agreed to counselling. Our marriage is good - we have problems like everybody else - but it's been good. The only thing that bothers me now is that she doesn't like to be honest about her behavior while she was drinking.
I have been married to an addict for 30 years. We have 3 sons and they are grown now. I divorced my husband 5 years ago. He was an drug addict of heavy street drugs before I met him and then was sober when we met. For the first 10 years before children he smoked pot daily and then drank moderately. It steadily got worse. When the boys were born everything escalated. In hindsight I would say it was that he could not handle the daily pressure of a family and responsibility of providing. He then began using pain medication on top of the others and doctor shopping. As you are aprobably aware this took up so much of his time he was hardly around and when he was he was either to high to participate or too sick coming down to leave his bed. It progressed from their that he used anything he could find, morphine, cocaine, oxy, each in short spurts when he could obtain them. And accordingly. Lost his jobs and we moved frequently and then it started all over in a new town. The end of our relationship came when I refused to move anymore when the kids were school age and more and more his resources dried up. The very end was when he overdosed at his job and I was called to take him to the hospital under the assumption he was having a stroke. When the nurses demanded to know what he had taken so that they could treat him, he was forced to confess that he had broken into my best friends home and stolen her cancer medications from there unbenonced to me. (She had died from Colon cancer at the age of 39. The week before).
That was my bottom but not his. I left with the boys and we have struggled but we all see how sick this man is. He is still using at 60 years old, getting arrested for it and the humiliation for my poor kids is what makes me so angry. He has had so many car accidents and still just keeps going. We realize he will not ever be sober by his own choice and someday it will catch up with him. I have Ben unable to move forward and date because of fear of choosing another addict and just feel at this point my priorities are to be there for my family and grandchildren. It is a very sad state for him. But he has chose it. And he has no relationship with his kids and still the drugs always come first. I know this is long and drawn out but I hope it helps. I wish I would have left when the kids were little and they would maybe not had to witness some of it. But hindsight is 20/20?
Ive been with my husband 20yrs married for twelve, he was always a heavy drinker he functioned well and I did not notice how bad it was until his mum died 11 yeats ago and he could no longer work. I think the fact he was self employed enabled him to hide how much of a problem it really was. He has been sober for almost three years now and everything is going well; the first twelve months of his sobriety were the hardest for me though as I had cut myself off from friends & family because of his drinking and it seemed like he had just gone off and got a new life leaving me all alone with nobody. It takes a while to get your self confidence back and get yourself a life again but it is possible. I wish you well.
I was married to a recovering alcoholic, but she started drinking again. So now I'm married to a practicing alcoholic. She loves me, I'm sure of that, but she's sick. Alcoholism is a disease. I've been ready for divorce court on many occasions. Today was a relatively "good" day for her. Hard to say what tomorrow will bring.
UPATE: re: "recovery for myself." If you're talking about al-anon, I went to those meetings for about 3 1/2 years, spent a lot of time sitting around with some stuck-up housewives who were being kept pampered and pretty in an upscale mansion by their husbands' fat paychecks, but now they wanna complain because he drinks (or occasionally cheats). When I would walk into the room, one of 'em would always sigh really loudly and haughtily ('Oh great, HE's here!'). She actually told me one time when I got there, "WELL . . . we don't have enough people to even HAVE a meeting tonight, so I think I'll just LEAVE!" This person was the "leader" of this little group of knitters and crocheters.
But they always said "Keep Coming Back," so I kept coming back for about 3 years, until I decided I could do without this.
DON'T get me wrong, I HAVE been to meetings that were vastly different, and dare I say even worthwhile to attend, however, I had drive 45 min. out-of-town to get to them! I read the books, those made sense, and tried attending some online "meetings," but these just seemed silly. Technology has probably improved since then, though, so maybe try again. Just wasn't getting much out of it.
Addictive personalities attract the ACOA and visa versa. The acoa becomes controlling super manipulative so very sensative. This has bad effect in the family dinamics causeing a counter reaction and mental breakdown in the partner. If children are thrown into the equasion also, it becomes worse. John Bradshaw in his writings goes in depth to reveal the dysfunctional nature and effects of the pattern of an acoa in a family enviroment. The partner or spouse becomes the villan and roles are switched from one side to the other. Thats the best way i can explain it. The end result for me is ive have complete non contact with my own children, for six or seven years, who are still within the mothership of this family. This is not my choice but rather perpetual revenge mentallity taken on by this sick mentality dear children trapped in it. Interesting reading.
Going thru it now. Been 2gthr 18yrs last wk. Married 4 11. I'm only 31. I see him falling further away every day and i dont know how 2 call him back 2 'us'. He's even told me he would choose his Oxys over me & our 4 children. We have overcome A LOT of obstacles 2 b 2gthr. I feel like, if i leave, i'm turning my back on him. But if i stay... I don't want my sons 2 pic up any of his new behaviors(violent outbursts) OR 4 our daughter 2 bcome accepting of them. I'm sorry... I had meant 2 leave u with sum words of wisdom. Perhaps i need sum. Perhaps i just needed 2 tell it.
I once was married to my alcoholic wife 3 years ago but now I'm free from her bonds of evil. it was hell for me to support her habits although we were married although I love her as a person but not with her. It was tough but I got out before things got worse. I felt dirty being married to a drunkard who just couldn't say no to the bottle but I can't put it all on her. I've had my share of the blame but now I'm free. I'm not telling you what to do but that will ruin your marriage from my experiences. If you think he's gonna change for the good stay with him, if not you have some choices to make for yourself and the your mental health. Do what's right for you is my advice.