Is it justifiable to have an affair when your spouse refuses to have sex or any intimacy with you?

In marriage you make a commitment to monogamy, not celibacy. If one spouse violates that contract by refusing sex for years on end, that violates monogamy just as much as cheating does. The contract becomes null and void.

Assuming it's been a couple years and the refusing spouse won't work on this problem, then I think it's perfectly justifiable to look elsewhere.

Well I got married 5 years ago and my husband stopped having sex with me 3 months after marriage. I concieved a child and we have never been intimate again. He will not seek therapy, will not see a docter, will not talk about it, and will not tell me why. Im 39 and look 25. Im hot and men like me. I never cheated untill 6 months ago when i couldnt stand it any more. it was 1 time with a friend. And now I honestly just want out of our marriage. We are not even friends cause he wont talk to me at all. Im still here cause i have been a stay at home mom and wife. I have a part time job now and am hoping it will turn full time. Im planning my out. I think withholding sex and intimacy is a form of abuse. Being refused is like saying "you are gross and I cant stand you" its a horrible feeling. Once Im out of this, I will NEVER marry again. This has not only mad me angry but taught me that Im better off alone. So I agree, it is VERY justifiable to cheat because its abuse to withhold and we all deserved to be loved.

No.

You have to tell him, straight up, I feel justified in going outside our relationship for sex because you refuse to have it with me.

Then, it is permissible, because you are entitled to tell your partner exactly what you need, sexually. This is not a 'personal problem' in a relationship and you should not allow him to treat it like one.

Justification really doesn't matter, as we can justify anything.

The most important thing is to do what you are comfortable with and what you can live with.

It is always best to try and live your life without regrets and guilt.

Therefore, if you want sex and intimacy and you can live with having an affair, then go for it. If you can't live with having an affair, then don't.

Yes. I am in the same boat. My wife has an "eh" attitude toward sex, and seems indifferent to this aspect of the relationship.

I love my family, and will not divorce if i can get the one thing which is missing somewhere else. I need to get laid, but i'm not willing to sacrifice all the other imortant things.

So, i thought a lot on the subject. And i concluded i will keep the family together and get intimacy elsewhere. After all, she's not interested why should she be upset if i get physical love somewhere else if she doesn't want it anyway? Before anyone screams in outrage, I still love my wife. Our relationship is apparently only plutonic now. I'll get my physical needs satisfied somewhere else.

I am in the same boat, and I am a christian woman. I feel unattractive, disrespected and constantly down on myself. Not only is my husband not giving the sex, about 6 months after we were married, I found out he was talking to other women online. The Bible clearly says that a person should not withhold sex from their spouse.

Nikbear (and the rest of you in sexless marriages/relationships), I feel your pain. I'd like to share my story, though, about the pitfalls of having an affair. If the affair is discovered, and chances are it will be, YOU will be seen as the wrongdoer, no matter what. Except maybe for a few people close to you, NO ONE will understand or even want to hear your side of the story. In other words, no matter how much pain your spouse inflicted on you by years of rejection (in my case, 3 years of having sex maybe every 1-2 months, with 8 months in a row of zero, aka, "the last straw"), YOU'RE the cheater. You shouldn't have done it, no matter what.



The same things will be trotted out over and over again. Did you talk you your spouse about the lack of sex? (Yes, many times - I may as well have been talking to a wall). Well, ok, maybe that didn't work because you talked about it in an accusing way? (No, I did it in a very kind, tactful, respectful way). Did you go to couples counseling? (Yes, once, before the affair was discovered. It was a disaster. The counselor basically ignored how painful the sex rejection was for me and focused on other things). Why didn't you just get a divorce instead of having the affair? (True in an ideal world, but things usually aren't quite that simple. I didn't go looking for the affair - it was someone out of the blue that I had a strong connection with - we were just friends for the first month...in retrospect, I should have just gotten a divorce, but I can't change that now.). You must have been a lousy/inconsiderate lover, then? (Actually, that's not true. My spouse enjoyed herself very much when it happened - that one of the reasons it was so frustrating. Also, my lover is quite satisfied).



Yes, I know I broke my vows, and I know it's wrong, but my spouse refuses to acknowledge that my spouse bears some responsibility for this. When I asked how long I was I supposed to remain celibate, I was told basically indefinitely. In other words, I should have just dealt with it. As someone on another site put it, it is an odd system where one spouse can refuse sex 100% of the time, but fidelity is expected 100% of the time. I agree with you, nikbear, that rejecting a spouse sexually is a form of abuse, but unfortunately few people will see it that way if you have an affair. It's just the way it is.



In my case, we have finally filed for divorce. Fortunately, there are no kids. I hope to move on from this, 7 years older but hopefully a little wiser.

Probably best to tell him how you feel. You restrict yourself by saying divorce is not an option. I'm being honest but if it were me I would have an affair; life's too short and then you will ask yourself, why did you deny yourself pleasure for that unaffectionate man? Something is seriously wrong in the marriage. Good luck. When you go you will wonder why you didn't do it ages before andyou won't look back.

Wow, having just read this first page of responses, I am getting that I am not the only one out there with this issue or facing choices. It has been nearly 6 months since I told him sex is now off the table; not because I don't want it, I am tired of begging for it, talking about it, wondering if I will ever have it again-so it is MY way of stating to him, I will not have this be a factor in my life anymore, I am acknowledging that you just just don't wanna, and I am tired of beating my head against a wall. I think 3 times total (when drinking) has made any sort of innuendo or "hint" sex might be desirable, but they are just words. Honestly, at this point, while admittedly horny, I just don;t want him anymore. I think that after 15 years of fighting for it, wishing for it, strutting around, demeaning myself and not getting it-he killed something in me. Do I think he has testosterone problems? yes, will he go to talk to anyone? no, even when I offered to do the talking for him. He is non-sexual. and I feel betrayed because that first year we did have sex, not mind bending but it was enough, and I feel misled. So I have given him 15 years of myself, my youth, everything to get looked at like I am bizarre for wanting sex, and it is not just the act it is all that goes with it. I get a grandfatherly kiss daily and that is all. I want a divorce but logistically have to wait another 2 years, so...2 MORE years of being non-sexed? I am not getting any younger, and I am thinking the drive that keeps me up at night is not diminishing so...choices? An affair, I think I could do, my worry is NOT getting caught, he would have to pay attention for that, no it is the worry I will become attached, come to care for "him" and then where does that lead? I do not believe in "cheating" never have and never thought I would. An opportunity came up, and while I did not do the deed, after the fact I regretted I had not. I came to care a little too much for the man I did not have sex with, and now my caring for him has made it impossible to even look for that "empty thrill" I think most cheaters have in mind. So here I sit in a bedroom alone, unloved, in love with someone I can't have, but could have had, and still not sure what options I have or what my future will be.

This is a question I've been pondering myself for quite some time.

I never would have believed I would end up even considering the possibility of cheating. Yet, I wouldn't have believed things could get this bad either.

I know it's wrong, but why is it ok to have my needs and desires ignored?