In marriage you make a commitment to monogamy, not celibacy. If one spouse violates that contract by refusing sex for years on end, that violates monogamy just as much as cheating does. The contract becomes null and void.
Assuming it's been a couple years and the refusing spouse won't work on this problem, then I think it's perfectly justifiable to look elsewhere.
Not to mention that if one partner refuses to have sex (i.e. make love) with the other, they are not in love, nor are they in any way compassionate toward their spouse. I would say, in this case, divorce SHOULD be an option. Life is not all about money & possessions... happiness and love should come into play in a marriage.. actually... those should be at the top of the list.
i agree 2
This is exactly what I was going to say only I'm sure you've said it better.
well you do need to have enough money to live on rent isn't cheap nor is food. hell where i live it cost 5 bucks one way for the bus.
That's right. One person should not hold the other hostage and starve them from their needs. This does violate the oath. Therefore one cannot be blamed for looking elsewhere. When the commitment is broken so is the contract.
Probably not but what they are depriving us of is definitely not right. I stayed true for 7 yrs and just could'nt see another day going by without affection.
I just started an affair with a friend, i feel alive but also worried about the pain it would cause my husband. On the other hand he seems more concerned with himself.
I am confused about the whole thing but i really felt 46 yrs old is just not old enough to give up sex. Hope i don't get judged too harshly, i do know it's wrong
Nothing wrong with satisfying basic human needs.
If it violates the law of God there is much wrong with it. Basic human needs, (sex) is only allowed within the confines of marriage, and nowhere else. Your vows were not only to your spouse but also to God, and He will hold all infidelity accountable. This is not my opinion, it's Gods word and I believe it.
so where does God say that? And what does it mean? Remember, many of the things presented as God's word is not God but some other letter writer. And when we try to understand there is difficulty because we don't understand the culture norm or the history at the time of the writing. So let me hear what you have to say
Anything written in the Bible, is the word of God, no matter who was the actual pen of the text, because all scripture is inspired of the Holy Spirit, who told each writer just what to write. When the disciples wrote their letters, they were all told what to write by God; 2 Tim 3:16. Also Gods word is not bound by time or place and is not limited by the culture of the time. It remains relevant today, just as much as when it was written. Heb. 13:4 says Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled ; but fornicators and adulterers God will Judge. This Law is timeless, for all people everywhere. I hope this was a help to you. If you really want to know about just what God says and what God means, I would suggest talking to your local Christ centered, Bible teaching church Pastor about it. He will be able to show you just what you want to know. Peace.
Really? Good to know that you just admired that god us fine with slavery, beating women, selling your daughters as salves, that if your daughter is raped she has to marry the rapist... GO GOD GO! I proclaim we must all listen to his words and obey his laws. Don't believe me? Go read exodus. God gave us all these laws so we could all make him happy.
I think you have a too rigid, religious, interpretation of what God intends. The deprived party has needs too. I don't find your comments helpful
i dont know that its wrong - has it helped your self esteem - do you feel a little more satisfied - i do
I have been married two years, we have had sex one time, two days after our wedding. I'm 40, he's 42, we should still be going at it! I got an offer from a mutual friend who is in the same situation with his wife. we met at a hotel two days ago and had mind blowing sex with no strings/emotions. I thought I would be overcome with guilt...but I'm not. I havHave cried, begged, pleaded to no avail. as a result of my encounter and satisfied that need, I didn't feel so resentful towards my husband and didn't have the usual tunnel vision towards him regarding our lack of sex. I love my husband, I don't want a divorce. if once a month of nsa sex is what saves my marriage, so be it. good luck to you in your journey as well.
Well I got married 5 years ago and my husband stopped having sex with me 3 months after marriage. I concieved a child and we have never been intimate again. He will not seek therapy, will not see a docter, will not talk about it, and will not tell me why. Im 39 and look 25. Im hot and men like me. I never cheated untill 6 months ago when i couldnt stand it any more. it was 1 time with a friend. And now I honestly just want out of our marriage. We are not even friends cause he wont talk to me at all. Im still here cause i have been a stay at home mom and wife. I have a part time job now and am hoping it will turn full time. Im planning my out. I think withholding sex and intimacy is a form of abuse. Being refused is like saying "you are gross and I cant stand you" its a horrible feeling. Once Im out of this, I will NEVER marry again. This has not only mad me angry but taught me that Im better off alone. So I agree, it is VERY justifiable to cheat because its abuse to withhold and we all deserved to be loved.
get him fixed before you leave. Your child and the rest of the world will benefit.
Still feel that way in 2013 ?
I think it may be a form of abuse, even if the with holding partner is not able to for some not understood emotional, psychological reasons.
You are right more than I can say, I do understood you well withholding sex it is more than horrible
Yes, I believe it is. It's wrong to expect someone to go without imtimacy. My spouse is not interested in sex with anyone. He has no drive and will not do anything about it.
I would have an affair if I found the right person. I might leave him if the right person came along.
I am middle aged, not dead! I have been told that I am attractive, but my husband makes me feel depressed.
I think if having an affair will help make a women feel better, go ahead and have that affair! Just make sure it's with someone who is caring and feels the same...
I agree it's wrong to expect someone to live without intimacy. My XH did for 14 years. If you have an affair, he can file for divorce on adultery grounds, in his own time, and claim to be the injured party. Why not just make your own exit plan, divorce him (either for something like "marriage irretrievably broken" or flat out for-cause of a grounds like "impotency" if you want to get nasty). AFTER the divorce, find a partner with a sex drive who does make you happy.
Depends on the state where the divorce is filed. Do the research first. Open the marriage up?
i would like to find a like-minded woman to have and intimate emotional and sexual relationship to make up for what is not there in my marriage
I am in a situation i cannot leave. If i could find the right situation i would have an affair
You have to tell him, straight up, I feel justified in going outside our relationship for sex because you refuse to have it with me.
Then, it is permissible, because you are entitled to tell your partner exactly what you need, sexually. This is not a 'personal problem' in a relationship and you should not allow him to treat it like one.
I agree 100% . If a spouse is given a chance to improve the relationship and refuses, and they are told of intent to go outside of the marriage, it's not cheating nor immoral except to extremists: they have told their spouse "tough luck".
It's not immoral when a partner is refusing to live up to their vows upon getting married. However, a divorce court will possibly see them as a "victim" if they sue for divorce on grounds of "adultery", in their own time, for their own reasons. They'll be likely to get more in the property settlement. Rather than have an affair, why not just file for divorce with a spouse who refuses sex or intimacy?
I agree with this comment; there may be reasons for his lack of desire that he finds too painful to talk about. Assure him you are only looking to satisfy your sexual needs and that you still love him and want to remain together. Having a sex buddy in the open will be easier for both you and your husband; in fact once you tell him this he may actually feel relieved and less guilty.
The reason to not just "divorce" is that it feels unfair to give up the dream of living in a home you own with your children becuz your partner can't live up to basic expectations of love, respect and intimacy. Having said that, I agree that affairs will cause problems. My story, I was denied sex, told by my wife she had no interest in sex, but she "would try to help me out when she can", but otherwise "good luck". I was never approached for sex in almost 10 years. Our relationship met the clinical diagnosis for a sexless marriage. And this was despite many attempts--pleadings, emails, books--to explain that this was abnormal, intolerable, damaging and dangerous. Ultimately, I succumbed to an affair that I did not seek out but was initiated by a co-worker. I felt vindication (I WAS still desirable), guilt and shame all at once. I came clean about the affair and was kicked out of my house. After initial anger and couples therapy with a good therapist, my wife admitted to pushing me away and took some small responsibility--including admitting to an anxiety disorder and PTSD for past trauma and for which she is getting treatment. But we can not seem to agree enough to try again and I remain separated, now 9 months. I think it's over and I'm ok with that. I'm not ok with the way she has turned many common friends and neighbors against me because of the affair. An affair that she left us vulnerable too. Most don't know the rejection I felt and the way I was emotionally and physically abandoned. I feel horrible everyday. But most of all, I feel bad for my kids. My youngest son, 7, tells me everyday he misses me. I tell him I miss him too and he recently responded, "but I miss you so much I cry." Hearing this is more painful than anything I've ever experienced. But it's also why I believe affairs happen before divorce. That is, people fear the loss and damage of divorce on their children and yet will risk everything for love, respect, affection and intimacy that we all deserve. So I don't think affairs are justified, but it's certainly more understandable in bad marriages than people and society will concede.
agree - i told my wife if she cant or wont help me sexually im free to find someone who will and gave her the same option
Agree with Honir. Goldiks, when two become one, their bodies do not belong to themselves but to each other; so give to each other and to be considerate of each other's needs as a married couple. In marriage, there will be lots of ups and downs. You have done your talking but guys also need to be reminded, they can be forgetful about what becoming one is all about. Love is to give to the other even when you not feel like it (ie. referring to sex) just because you know the other needs it, that is love. Probably you may want to remind him in a nice way about it, that his body does not belong to him him, but to us-? I do hope he has some basic teachings about what marriage entails? Don't give up, work towards having a good marriage. Marriage is actually lots of efforts and hard work; never a bed of roses. And women, sad to say but I think it is a fact, has to bear a lot of the "work" in marriages, not talking about sex only, but plus the care of home, children, husband, family, the whole marriage bag. And I tell you, no one can do as good a job as a good wife and mother. Buillding a good marriage really really takes a lot of hard work, efforts and time. Wishing you all the best. How are you now (ie. 2013 as I just noticed your post was 3 yrs ago?)
what about if woman refused to have a sex with her husband and she is in good condition
It's easy to talk yourself into that, but no, although you might be able to justify it to yourself and people in similar situations it's still not right. And deep down, despite arguments to yourself to the contrary, you know it.
It's not right that her husband is refusing to make love to her. That is not marriage: he views her as a possession, not a life partner. Sorry, you're wrong.
"He views her as a Possession, not a life partner"...right on target...perfect marksmanship..thank you for that bit of wisdom
I've been married 17 years and have a wife who has refused me since 3 months after we married. I have talked about this wound with my wife more times than I can count, but no effort is made on her part to resolve this issue. I have wanted to leave, and even made plans to do so many times. However, I am a Christian man, who values obedience to a Holy God. I have confided in my Pastor, who has been working with me on this issue, and I do know that God has spoken and He says NO! I know that emotional pain you all feel, because I'm there, but the view that most of you on here take,--that it's fine or justifiable or you have good reason to cheat is not ever going to cut it with God, for any reason. Just because someone wrongs you, never excuses your own wrong. MechanicalBull has it right. Stop fooling yourselves into believing that in the end you'll get away with it, because you won't. Honor your vows to God, even if your spouse won't
I didn't make any vows to your god. I was married 24 years ago in a civil ceremony. So, you can take you god, and your vows and what have you.... and stick them where the sun doesn't shine. G'Day!
Sorry Pal!. If you were EVER married it was in the site of God, no matter where it was, or who witnessed it. I expected this kind of response from those who have no clue who or what God really is. Most people just dismiss this as the rantings of a "Jesus Freak". I can assure you that God instituted marriage, and the only reason you were ever married was because God allowed you to be. His command, whether you believe in Him or not, is that what He brought together, Let NO MAN bring separation to, or destroy. NO matter how you feel personally about God, He knows you, and will judge all infidelity. If you and your spouse,(assuming your still married) are in this boat as well, I would tell you to seek counseling first. Exhaust every effort to keep the marriage intact before deciding to divorce. If your going to have an affair or are in one already, Why remain ignorant to the fact that God deems this as Adultery and unless you repent and seek Jesus Christ for your life, He will (in the end) condemn you for it. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, or it doesn't help you justify your own intentions, but it is written with concern for you, and it is the truth.
I think you're correct...it is NOT right...
BUT, it may be the best answer to the current situation. The best thing is for her to get out and start a new life.
Unfortunately, telling out partner how this situation makes us feel simply dosen't work! if it were that simple, there wouldn't be so many of us! I wouldn't say it's justifiable, but sometimes we have to make decisions that society dosen't condone. We each have to decide what we can live with. You are the only one who has those answers!
Justification really doesn't matter, as we can justify anything.
The most important thing is to do what you are comfortable with and what you can live with.
It is always best to try and live your life without regrets and guilt.
Therefore, if you want sex and intimacy and you can live with having an affair, then go for it. If you can't live with having an affair, then don't.
Yes. I am in the same boat. My wife has an "eh" attitude toward sex, and seems indifferent to this aspect of the relationship.
I love my family, and will not divorce if i can get the one thing which is missing somewhere else. I need to get laid, but i'm not willing to sacrifice all the other imortant things.
So, i thought a lot on the subject. And i concluded i will keep the family together and get intimacy elsewhere. After all, she's not interested why should she be upset if i get physical love somewhere else if she doesn't want it anyway? Before anyone screams in outrage, I still love my wife. Our relationship is apparently only plutonic now. I'll get my physical needs satisfied somewhere else.
i totally agree and am in the same situation with whynotsayit
I also agree and am in that same situation just had a frist date and felt so alive and satisfied.
This is how I started with my MM He loves his wife but was not getting his sexual needs met. When someone calls you immediately upon arriving back from a 15 hour drive because his wife once again ignored him when he was origionaly so excited to be going home to see his family then I am not about to feel bad that I was first his sounding board and then his lover.
like your spirt
I am with whynotsayit on this topic. It's been a year since we had sex even, and even before that we would go months with no sex at all. At best we would have sex once a month, and even then oral is on her no no list. She flat out refuses to do anything or care about it.
I feel ya buddy
justifiable? i think yes. satisfying? not so sure. i did have an affair after many years of a sexless marriage, and it was not satisfying (as i knew this was not someone that i wanted to commit to)..i told my husband i was going to ...and now i've had my husband leave, after feeling passion i can't tolerate being married to him...in affect , he killed my sex life, and i'm not too happy about that! we don't have to be married to co-parent
Gazell,I feel for you (been there) ofcourse leaving scares you ..you went into marraige for life with a man you loved,and we women love happy ever after :)..questions you need to ask yourself..can i live like this for the rest of my life ? Is the rest of my marraige making me happy,allowing me to be myself and grow ? Do we still love each other in ALL aspects ? Have we communicated honestly ?
ALL marraiges ahve their ups and downs ,two people can not live together for years without getting out of whack sometimes..BUT..if one or the other is suffering unduly and no reconcilation is in the offering..then choices have to made..and yes thats scary!! But life is not a standstill it is change,something i was never good at..but I did it ,if your husband is not prepared to be part of the relationship and communicate with you then ,you will have to be the one to answer the questions..listen to your gut,be honest and be brave :) best wishes x
Nikbear (and the rest of you in sexless marriages/relationships), I feel your pain. I'd like to share my story, though, about the pitfalls of having an affair. If the affair is discovered, and chances are it will be, YOU will be seen as the wrongdoer, no matter what. Except maybe for a few people close to you, NO ONE will understand or even want to hear your side of the story. In other words, no matter how much pain your spouse inflicted on you by years of rejection (in my case, 3 years of having sex maybe every 1-2 months, with 8 months in a row of zero, aka, "the last straw"), YOU'RE the cheater. You shouldn't have done it, no matter what.
The same things will be trotted out over and over again. Did you talk you your spouse about the lack of sex? (Yes, many times - I may as well have been talking to a wall). Well, ok, maybe that didn't work because you talked about it in an accusing way? (No, I did it in a very kind, tactful, respectful way). Did you go to couples counseling? (Yes, once, before the affair was discovered. It was a disaster. The counselor basically ignored how painful the sex rejection was for me and focused on other things). Why didn't you just get a divorce instead of having the affair? (True in an ideal world, but things usually aren't quite that simple. I didn't go looking for the affair - it was someone out of the blue that I had a strong connection with - we were just friends for the first month...in retrospect, I should have just gotten a divorce, but I can't change that now.). You must have been a lousy/inconsiderate lover, then? (Actually, that's not true. My spouse enjoyed herself very much when it happened - that one of the reasons it was so frustrating. Also, my lover is quite satisfied).
Yes, I know I broke my vows, and I know it's wrong, but my spouse refuses to acknowledge that my spouse bears some responsibility for this. When I asked how long I was I supposed to remain celibate, I was told basically indefinitely. In other words, I should have just dealt with it. As someone on another site put it, it is an odd system where one spouse can refuse sex 100% of the time, but fidelity is expected 100% of the time. I agree with you, nikbear, that rejecting a spouse sexually is a form of abuse, but unfortunately few people will see it that way if you have an affair. It's just the way it is.
In my case, we have finally filed for divorce. Fortunately, there are no kids. I hope to move on from this, 7 years older but hopefully a little wiser.
I see most people say "couples therapy" or "it's WRONG to have an affair"... BUT, I think I'm in the same situation as you... and I've had two affairs... it's the only thing that keeps me sane. Why when women don't have sex with their husbands, the women are ******* or uptight? But when a man does not even attempt to be initmate or provide any sexual satisfaction to the woman, we are just supposed to sit back and be ok with it. Well, i'm not!
I agree. Being denied is not good for either husband or wife.
I am a male IV been rejected for 15- 17 months she has no desire to even think about it and doing myself is just not cutting it she won't e end sleep with me she makes me fell like I am poison. Our not good enough she has no feelings there IT LEAVES A BIG BLACK HOLE INSIDE OF ME I. RY MYSELF TO SLEEP MANY TIMES BE CAUSE OF LONELYNESS
here here ! and nor was I.:)
Lonely, I'm a guy. I was not a victim of a sexless marriage. I was a hero who was stuck in one trying to rescue it. I'm much happier as a divorcee. F it and everyone who judges you. Get the f out and enjoy yourself.
You're in a great place to find out who are your judges or friends!
Give them hell. No, instead give them nothing. Use your energy on being happy. You're a person not a cause.
Marlow, leave. I stayed for the children. They are better now. Children are OFTEN damaged in these relationships. They don't thrive in an often cold and tense environment even if it's quiet.
I'm better now. She wants me now. So do other women. If she liked it then she should have put her thing on it (uh oh oh oh ...) when she had my undivided heart. Now she can have all the none sex she wants and /or is available to her lover(s) whichever.
I don't cry over poop when I get it out of my body or life.
Yes have a spouse that is great except in the sex and passion department after 17 years I started to have an affair thinking it would not last but now 7 years into it it is still going strong and is the main source of sex and the special closeness that comes with it
I do believe that one who witholds intimacy is either sick or passive aggresive. I have dealt with issue for over 33 years and I am ready to throw in the towel.
You, my new friends, have much wisdom to share. I am so happy to have founnbd this website..
My husband has not attempted sex with me for over 10 years. He has some impotency problems, but refuses help, and therefore, won't even try to touch me. I love him, but we're now more like brother and sister. I'm middle aged, but in shape, kids are grown, I'm active and very, very full of passion. I'm also Christian, and I'm so deeply ashamed of wanting/needing a man's touch. There is a man I'm quite drawn to, he is single, but it even hurts me that he wouldn't care that I'm married. To me, there is no honorable way to have an affair. I feel utterly punished and so ashamed.
I am wrestling with the moral dilemma as well, am also a Christian. However, this endless suffering is gonna kill me. The bible says that spouses are not to deny one another sexually. As someone else said, i agreed to be monogamous, not celibate. My wife is a good person but frigid and unresponsive.( I don't know why, other than i have observed that women who are not rightly related to their fathers, have difficulties in marriage) I am sure if she never had sex again, she wouldn't notice. I don't consider it love-making when she lays on her back and spreads her legs occasionally. Forgive me if that sounds crude, but it describes the situation and my frustration. It is not only sexual release that i want, i want a real relationship. Passionate sexual experiences create that intimate emotional bond. I am afraid if i could find a lover, it might result in an emotional attachment. ?????
you shouldnt feel shame...i do understand the brother sister thing...i feel the same...but PLEASE dont cheat...you are right in your thinking that the other man isnt concerned that your married...it means he ONLy wants your stuff...no emotional ties...so you are still being cheated of the intimacy that you crave,...if worse gets to worse...leave him...but even then...be very selective...and withhold as long as you can...set a date limit...maybe 5...let them know that what you have is special...then mae them play baseball...3rd date...they get to 1st...4th date 2nd...dont sell your value short...you have gone this long...
I'm not passing any judgment. Just sharing my experience with adultry. I almost slept with a married man a couple years ago. The only thing stopping me was my wonderful monthly buddy. I gave him oral pleasures in his house facing pictures of him with his wife and infant daughter. I convinced myself that it was ok, because his wife wasn't doing it, so surely she would expect this. I never expected the guilt that I would feel. I havn't stopped thinking about why he stopped talking to me, or imagined what happened when she found out. The guilt has been with me everyday for nearly three years. Just something to think about.
I am in the same boat, and I am a christian woman. I feel unattractive, disrespected and constantly down on myself. Not only is my husband not giving the sex, about 6 months after we were married, I found out he was talking to other women online. The Bible clearly says that a person should not withhold sex from their spouse.
I'm sorry, Krysdanielle. If he will not go to counseling with you, then at least go by yourself.
The bible does say "the Wife's body belongs to the husband and the Husbands body belongs to the Wife." I can see no way you can claim to be religious and have a sexless marriage
My wife is a true Christian, in every sense of the word, except for this ! In many ways, she is a lovely person. She has caught me, on occasion, being a naughty boy, and is shocked. I tell her the reason !
She seems to forget ????
follow the bible
If your spouse refuses to have sex or intimacy with you, then I think he can not claim with any justification that you should not have sex with anyone else. A celebate marriage is not a monogamous marriage ( monogamy implies a sexual relationship ).
Dear "Altair": Please elaborate. Thanks.
Probably best to tell him how you feel. You restrict yourself by saying divorce is not an option. I'm being honest but if it were me I would have an affair; life's too short and then you will ask yourself, why did you deny yourself pleasure for that unaffectionate man? Something is seriously wrong in the marriage. Good luck. When you go you will wonder why you didn't do it ages before andyou won't look back.
Divorce is better. No legal worries plus She won't have to come home to a sack of shoot.
What I have found is that the withholding of sex/intimacy leads to severe depression & pushes you into latching onto anyone who shows you affection. I never thought I would outsource, but went down that path to feel passion and want by someone. Is it ok probablly not, but the severe psychological damage from your spouse is not either. I hope you make the choice that best fits your situation. If you cross the line like I did you'll find your confidence & attitude immediately change and you are in a better place for the short term I am still working through the long term right now. Only time will tell how this plays out.
If any of you need intimacy or sex i am more than
happy to help. Just send me your email address
I am male 26 years old and in a sexless marriage