My mother unexpectedly died soon after my last post in 2011. If you are concerned about your parents' health, try not to talk about the situation with them. I don't know the details, but if they ask maybe just say "everything's OK" or "we're trying to work it out," then change the subject.<br />
As for your sister, IMO you should try to avoid her as much as possible. She's clearly a toxic influence in your life, which you don't need. She saps your strength, and you will need a great deal of that to deal with future losses.<br />
Cotinga my dear, I had depression for years also over all my negative family issues. I went to my doctor and got help and now I realize that I'm NOT the problem. I have tried to make amends but my sister just ignores my emails, texts, etc. I have given up and I now just concentrate on my "OWN" family and I don't worry anymore. I love my two nephews with all my heart and if they ever need me, they know that I'm here. We have told them that. Negative people like this will only try to "poison" you. Let them go.
It makes me feel like I'm not so alone reading everyone's posts. I have been in a very simlar situation for many years and I'm feeling like I can't go to anyone about it. My sister is very jealous of me. She constantly keeps and eye on me and she manipulates situations to bring me down, manipulates people around me to make my life hell and if confronted (IF I can muster 5 hours of circular arguing) she compulsively lies and denies it. It makes me feel so stuck. What's more, her jealousy makes her imitate everything I do...she compulsively buys eveything I buy, tries to take up all my hobbies (and then gets angry when she is not as good as me), adopts my mannerisms, tries to finish off my sentences. She even feels threatened when I am in conversation with anyone, as she feels competition to be 'better' socially and won't even let me speak without having to 'top' it before I have even finished what I am saying. It's like she still sees life like a 4 year old does - when they think someone else is getting all the attention. It's so frustrating as she is stopping me living my life, being who I want to be.
If she's really jealous of you, the only way she'll get over that is if she has a life she's truely satisfied with. <br />
Having been the jealous sister in certain situations before, I can tell you that she'll either have to stop caring, or get a life of her own. Higher self esteem is also good.<br />
I got over it because I went to college. I found a place where I was more comfortable, and didn't have to face what I was jealous of daily. My jealousy was silly, and I know that now. I can enjoy life now that I'm not bogged down by that.<br />
Either try to get her into a different environment that's suited for her, or live with it, I guess. You'll have to help her if you don't want your parents to be burdened with any of it.
Jealousy is such a nasty thing. The thing here is: is the problem really jealousy or is it because she loves you and wants to be just a little like you? Maybe in her eyes you are a hero or Godess and she just wants to be a part of that. Then again maybe it is complete jealousy and if she is not willing to talk about it or acknowledge it then you should cut ties as much as you can possible without hurting your parents.
OH please!!! "because she loves you" ... are you kidding me? my sister is a cold-hearted B. she constantly insults me, tries to make me feel stupid and inferior to her. and its all because she's jealous. it took me a long time to figure out. a friend clued me in. i couldn't figure out why my sister was so nasty towards me. she would insult something i had and then turn around and buy it for herself. so she has been insulting me for years to make herself feel better. and i'm supposed to feel sorry for her? i'm supposed to believe oh its no big deal, its because she loves me and admires me? are you kidding me? thats no excuse to treat your sibling like CRAP for years! i can't even tell you all the horrible things she's done because i'm afraid she will come across this website and find my comments. its ridiculous.
she has serious issues and she needs psychological help!!!
I have to agree with you! It's NOT because she loves you!!! I also have a sister who is JEALOUS of me and constantly bad mouths me to my parents and anyone who will listen. Her problem is she is evil and a pot stirrer…is and always has been!! Evidently she isn't happy in her own life PLUS she has inherited some of her father's genes because this kind of behavior happens in his family all the time. She doesn't know how to mind her own business!! She gangs up with my older sister against me and they try to bully me. I don't live anywhere near them but they still manage to try and harass me in some way. Sad to say, I have their phone numbers blocked along with their email addresses. I have been attacked with text messages. My half-siblings treat me far better than these 2 sisters do, so I have pulled away from them, want NOTHING to do with my birth family and will enjoy my half-siblings from now on. Time for those 2 sisters to GROW up and find something better to do with their lives. I've moved on….and life is much better without them and their garbage!!!!!
I am in the same boat as you!! I am the oldest and the two are younger than me and half sisters they gang up on me are jealous of me and hate the relationship I HAD with my mom they did everything they could to tear it apart ..
Your choice to detach -peacefully and with dignity- from your family of origin is courageous, as well as inspiring. Clearly, you grew up in a dysfunctional family. Dysfunctional families usually have secrets that they are protecting -such as substance abuse, such as alcoholism, etc., and/or parent(s) engaged in extra-marital affairs, and/or physical, psychological/emotional and/or sexual abuse in the home, etc..
In order to create a 'normal family' picture -to the outside world, (which is the dysfunctional parents' obsession); the parent(s) -often times a narcissistic mother who is orchestrating the façade- unconsciously (or sometimes not so unconsciously) trains up her children to assume roles such as, 'the golden child', 'the mascot', 'the lost child' and, probably, the most significant child role critical to maintaining the dysfunction that masquerade as 'the perfectly normal family' is known as 'the scapegoat'.
The scapegoat is the child trained up to absorb all the family's negative energy, the family's dominating negative dynamic. Basically, the scapegoat becomes the dumping ground for all the family's dysfunction -'the blamed child', in other words. Whatever happens in the family, that is seen as a blemish on the 'good family name'; mom or dad (or maybe both) will delegate the shame and blame to the scapegoat as being the cause of the problem-regardless of whether said scapegoat is in any way culpable.
The up side of this nasty reality associated with less than adequate parenting? The Scapegoat is, usually, the most authentic individual in the family system, and the most emotionally honest/emotional stable family member. Unlike 'the golden child' in the family system; Children-turned-adults, who were designated the role of Scapegoat in their dysfunctional family of origin, have the best chance of developing healthy sense of identity, self esteem, sense of self efficacy and living with a very strong sense of emotional autonomy...Not to mention they - scapegoated children that is- have incredible potential for being the best parents of their own children.
Sometimes, though, their healthy potential for living a joyful and successful life can only be realized by escaping the crazy family system, in order to fully realize their incredible wisdom and emotional/psychological strength.
Congratulations, Hokiegal, on your escape from 'crazy'. Go forth, live in wisdom and joy... and multiply!
i know exactly what all the posters on here are talking about. i've been there. same story here. so to appease family, i pretend there are no issues, and i overly compliment her to make her feel better. i've decided i dont really care if she thinks she's better than me. my goal is to convince her that she is better than me in hopes she will stop being such a B. but its not really working. there is no answer.
actually, its a little better. doing everything you can to make her feel superior over you is probably the best way to go. but in my situation, she still gets jealous over everything. we just simply dont talk so much. we keep our distance. when we have family gatherings, like i said, i pretend. i be as nice as can be and compliment her up and down and act jealous of her so she will feel good. i think it is helping. but i personally find it ridiculous! i really just want to scream GROW UP!!!!
We must have the same sister. I've stopped trying. If anything I do the opposite and make her seethe with jealousy when I can just to make her realize how ridiculous it all is. She's the cause of most of my issues from childhood and continues to try to make me look bad to our family. The last straw was her throwing a tantrum and trying to humiliate me in front of extended family and nurses at our father's deathbed. Sometimes it's just not worth it. A life time of abuse is enough. Let your parents know you've made efforts with no success and suggest therapy for your sister. Jealousy is an ugly emotion no one wants to fess up to. Ultimately, it's her problem not yours.
OMG I know exactly also how these people all feel. The whole family has issues and everyone should seek counselling if we were all going to coexist in a healthy atmosphere. It has become so negative that we just stay away now and do our own thing.
My toxic sister has caused more drama and arguments and misery than Saddam Hussein. We are both adults but all of our life's she was either trying to undermine me or copying me or trying to cause arguments. I come from a large family there isn't one person sh hasn't fallen out with. The last argument( which was actually nothing to do with me) has resulted in her completely osterasizing me and trying her level best to ensure the rest of my family do the same. Everybody agrees and tells me she is quite mad but yet no one will call her on all the crap she causes cos they are afraid of the drama and hysterical response this would illicit. So it is easier to allow her to continue to drive a wedge than confront her crap. My elderly disabled mother is afraid to challenge her. Last week cos of her drinking++ she fell on a child and could have really hurt him- then had the audacity to say it was my fault cos she was drinking to help her cope with the fact I was present!
I understand completely about jealous sisters. I'm 44 years old and I got married 20 years ago today, to a wonderful man. My sister on the other hand has had 2 children, out of WEDLOCK and I believe has felt SHAME over her choices ever since. This guy whom she lives with doesn't treat her very well and nobody likes him. This makes it even that much tougher for her. Although she stays and puts up with the B.S. Therefore I feel that because my life has gone in a more positive direction, she is very jealous. You can sense it every time you are around her. She is just" NASTY".
Yes, I totally understand, and having dealing with a jealous younger sister for years! The last straw for me was we went out a few weeks back, although I really didn't want to. I got asked to dance by a few men, and none asked her, her faced was PRICELESS, she was so mad, she couldn't hide it. She left and went to the other side of the nightclub, an didn't return. I went and waited in the car, she came out after about 20 minutes and we went home. She acted like nothing happened. I will NOT go anywhere with her again, period it's a shame because this is the ONLY sister I have, and with is could be better. I've been so hurt by this, but I'm over this nonsense, we are in our 40's!!
Lonely Older Sister
There is no easy or real solution to this matter. Everyone on this post seems to have similar situation, including myself. So sad... I am not a professional and maybe its my way of thinking but I do not agree with rewarding positive praise and fake love to a person who is mean and full of hate. I tried that route for many years and when I became pregnant with my first child and the way my "sister" would treat me was so unexceptable that even my family and friends were scared for my welfare that she may hurt me because there was so much envy... I dont consider these people "sick" and with "mental problems" they are just so self absorbed and have never been humble, but it is their choice. My advice as painful as it is: keep distance, it might be the best thing you could ever do.
I absolutely agree, I too avoid my older sister like the plague, she has bitched about me for years and even when I was ill she questioned why I had to be visited everyday in intensive care? Things have gotten worse ever since. I used to let her dye and cut my hair and she cut my hair so bad I had to go elsewhere, but when she coloured my hair just the endurance of her conversation (which was for the most part putting me down and boasting about herself for 3 hours) I would feel so depressed that I decided enough was enough, she sapped my energy and destroyed my self esteem in fact when I came out of hospital and my hair was coming out she would brag how thicker her hair is becoming, I mean how insensitive could she be.? She has bitched about me to the entire family whilst I lived abroad and could not speak to my own defence, giving a them and anybody I met here in London a poor impression of me, she has been so cruel and during a couple of arguments we've had there have been no limits to how spiteful she can be.. for me the less I see of her the better.
My mothers 80th birthday gift, she booked an expensive restaurant and although I had said that for me to go on a Saturday was difficult as I work that day (I only work partime as I have two boys, she booked it for Saturday regardless. When I said that I couldn't make it as it would mean losing a lot from not working and paying out a fortune as well she pretty much couldn't care less.
She is probably the most vane women I know. So self obsessed with her appearance that she doesn't know her real self anymore. People who don't know her think she's lovely but she has a real dark side that people don't see only myself unfortunately and my mum of course.
I lived in Greece for 20 years, more than I would have, but the thought of returning to the uk to my family made me shiver, I love my parents and always though my middle sister was great until coming to the Uk I realise that even though Laura has her reservations about her she still sides with her with regards to me being the favourite or my children being the centre of attention.
My misfortune since my illness doesn't seem to bother them.
Ive since met a kind man, but part of me isn't sure how I feel, yet I feel so lonely here in London that I really am clinging on to him because his all I've got. My boys are growing up and one of them wants to go to Greece to be with his dad, our relationship has been strained as he doesn't like my new man, and I can see why too, I guess I am in denial.
More to the point. Being the youngest of 3 girls and never being close to my elder siblings has left me with no confidence or self belief, something I always had when I lived abroad, I found my true self and now I've lost it again.
I'll never forgive her for what she has done and how she has made me feel about myself.
Forgett it ! You can not make others act the way you want them to. If she is this way she is. Your mother had no right to ask you to put up with the way she acts and treats you. Your mom and dad are the people at fault for not kicking her in her *** long ago. Their is nothing you can do about what they did not do !!!!!! Just take care of your parents the best you can and move on with your life without her. Enough of your sisters bull S---- , you need to be happy !
my dear, my English is not good but hope you undrestand what I am saying I have the same problem and this problem has a root since we were a child because we had different personality and this cause her to be jealous to me now I fund how to deal with her this kind of person always like to be top and my suggestion to you it's that you have to lie to her and act like she is the best and she is better than you specially when you and her are together in a family gethering and every where that she is with you tell every body loud and clear that she is the best. I always front of every one make her so big and treat her like a queen because I know she is sick so I help her to be calm...
my sister says she wants to be closer to me but has expecations and assumes things about me that are not even there. She is an introvert and will not communicate, confront or be open about her feelings. She preceives situations and twists stories to justify her beliefs and actions. then she will tell you that she is intitled her opinions. but they are false beliefs to the actualy situation. I live far away and when I come home to visit the my parents. One minute she is friendly and then next she is cold and you are always left feeling like what just happened? I have come to the conclusion, she is not happy inside herself. I think deep down she is proud of me, because I am confident, I am strong, I am outgoing,I am warm, and friendly, and truly I feel she wants some of these personality traits that I have. It is jealousy.
I am a lot like your sister. I am an introvert but I do am strong about my beliefs. And I cannot talk about the problem with my sister either, like your sister. I pray that my sister understands and stops doing this. I have become also one minute friendly and next cold. And that is because she constantly copies everything I do, she'll create or find the same situation and react the same exact way I did, and if possible in front of other people to show that she is being herself, which she is not. I try to be friendly, then she copies me, I still try to be friendly, then she copies me again, and then again, and when it is something that strongly defines me, it hurts me a lot, I start crying, and then sometimes become very cold too. It hurts so much. And she pretends doesn't know.Trust me I was much more happier when she did it less than now, or maybe I was stronger back then, now I am just exhausted of her taking my character away. If your sister is going through what I am going through, then it is definelty not jealousy, it is because she is losing everything she is and yes she is very upset about that. And if she is not going through what I am going through than it i a total different situation. And I hope your sister becomes nicer to you.
Wow, reading these comments resonates with me..my sister is 53 and jealous, destructive and compulsive liar too! These people are deeply unhappy, even though we try to help them they are missing something inside...with my case she lives in an ego state and really does not know how to love, even though she is married with children, it's like her heart is closed off - even to her own mother! <br />
Feeling sorry for these types doesn't really help, I know from my experience all they do is manipulate situations and will betray anyone.<br />
Just be grateful you are not like that, some people will never learn.
I so agree with chicolina, jealousy in a family environment is so sad and disheartening. For years when my husband and I were first married, I would cry myself to sleep wondering what I had done so wrong. After many years of soul searching, I now realize that who cares what they think of me, all that matters is what my husband thinks of me, right? As for my own sister, I just try to be really polite when I see her, which isn't often. Although I kids seldom ever see her because we don't want them around that kind of negativity.
help...I have a sister who has been vindictive since I was little. As an adult, she has turned my mom against me and my mom fights with me ba<x>sed on what my sister has told her. No matter what good things I do, it gets twisted against me. I have tried writing to my mom and she burned the letters. My mom gave the house to her and now that she has died ---my sister got an order of protection ba<x>sed on false allegations against me and my son lives at the house. I am not only grieving for my mom death but also for my son and the loss of my relatives. Please help..
Oh love, sorry you're sister has treated you so badly. This will come back on her, concentrate on the relationship with your son - that's what's important. Your sister will get what's coming to her, just as mine will, these people are shameful.
Oh jennifer112060, I know all too well about jealous, mean sisters. My sister and I are only 2 years apart but we were always opposites, in every way. She would try anything to be cruel or undermine me, especially during our school years. Now as an adult she has been for many years in a not so good "common" law relationship, two kids and he doesn't "respect "her. On the other hand, I got a "GREAT" guy, respectful, good career, caring, etc. and the day that we got married, I believe shot a huge sharp knife right into her heart. Ever since that day, we have been even more distant as sisters than ever before. I have tried to be kind, polite and overlook her nastiness but nothing works, so I have just decided to let her wollow in her own self pity. We only see each other roughly every 2 to 3 years if that.
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omg this is just like my mom and sister hope its sorted now xx
Hi there, I'm a South African who is desperate for an answer to a problem. I found this site and thouught I'd give it a try. I'm 38 years old, married to an awesome and supportive man and have 2 wonderful sons, age 13 and 10. The problem is my sister who's 36. She still lives with my parents, about 30km from me and has nothing and no one in her life except my late gran's old furniture in her bedroom and her 2 cats. The problem is that she's insanely jealous about what I have and poisons my parent's with lies and stories. She also bullies them into doing/not doing certain things. An example if telling my dad, who I'm close to, not to come visit us if they in the town where I live. She says she overheard me telling a friend that I don't want them to visit, which is a lie. I took her on about that and she claimed "she can't remember". She plays the "no one cares about me" card and they fall for it every time. They "feel sorry" for her so listens and obeys her every command. It's getting so bad now that dad and mom's friend have stopped visiting them. I want my porents back but they are pushing me away due to her. I've tried talking to them about it but its falling on deaf ears. My being miserable and wanting my parents in my life is causing me to be aggitated. I feel like telling them to shove off and enjoy their life with her but my children are desperate for their grandparents. Any advice will be welcome! Thanks. X
I am so sorry for all of you who've dealt with a jealous sister. It's the worst. My younger sister and I got along when we were young, but she has grown to resent and envy me, which I don't fully understand. Realizing this and feeling the sting of her behavior is in turn making me resent and have angry feelings towards her, which I don't want. I feel like I wasn't the big sister she wanted me to be and is now taking it out on me in petty ways. I can only speculate really, since she is one person around me (introverted), but happy and friendly with just about anyone else. I have been really hurt and frustrated over passive-agressive, mean, down-right "high-school mean girl" things she has directed toward me, AS ADULTS. A friend of mine whom I've known over half my life told me "Girly, don't you get it, she's always been jealous of you". I honestly didn't until my friend flat out told me that. Why would I think that on my own, and what am I supposed to do with that knowledge? She seems to be happiest when I am down, and if I'm hurting, she gets some sort of satisfaction I've noticed. It really hurts to know that your own sister hates you that much. Especially someone whom society dictates should be "loyal" and "a friend for life". If anything, ours parents make it worse by ignoring it and playing both sides. That's a whole other story I won't get into lol. The fact that there is even sides boggles my mind. I never imagined that my sister would do the things she does and that I would see her as at most, a "frienemy", and at worst, a stranger who has daggers in her eyes. It really hurts. Just seeing her gives me anxiety and knots in my stomach. I'm learning to forgive, but it's not easy. Somedays I never want to see her again, but then there's that voice in the back of my head saying, "wait....its your 'sister'".
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maybe ur just as jealous as ur sister. what goes around comes around
Speechless, we were born 3 but our Elder sis sucks!!!! I wonder why this jealousy exist even to real bloods, a lot of ***** she does to me, when I admire something and I don't have a fund she goes back to the shop and she get that thing without my info, 2nd; she always talk ill issues about me to her friends! she is not there as a sister!! she even date my ex which is nasty thing ever. I wish I could change her but its too difficult am a mother of two boys and she is the mother of 2 girls and a boy. She even treats her daughter badly.<br />
My ideal on this issue is we keep ourselve happy and we stay away from such sisters.
Same here, sister is 10 years older <br />
than me , i had cancer but she always has something to say ie got. A bad leg or always got a bad back<br />
close friends don't take to her but she tries to make my friends her friends <br />
a reall close friend says it's sibling rivalry ,why.