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We have been dating for a few months. I, being an honest person wanted to tell him people I have been with. I have made a mistake and slept with someone the day before our first date. He knows this and I appologized countless times for this. We have gotten into alot of horrible fights because of our trust issues. I am trying to make him see I am not the person he fears. He has high values and doesn't want to be with someone who has slept with alot of people. However, what he doesn't seem to remember is how I feel when his ex kept trying to call him. During one of our fights, his ex came over to his house and I am told all they did was talk. He always tells me nothing happened, but I feel like something did. I try so hard to be understanding and to show him what a great person I am now. He often tells me I am great there's just stuff he can't seem to let go of that is hurting us. I am torn and confused. One day he says he loves me and he wants to make this work,what should I do?
jenny651 jenny651 22-25, F 20 Answers Dec 31, 2012 in Dating & Relationships

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Dump him. And next time don't tell the new guy everything about your past.

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That sort of thing doesn't get better, I'm afraid. You gave him ammunition and the fact that he would throw it in your face at this early stage doesn't bode well if things progressed between you. It should tell you A) he's judging you by your past and B) he doesn't fight fair.



That's a character flaw that won't change.

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Sorry to say, but you need to break it off and move on. This relationship will go nowhere but down this same road you are stuck on. He has issues he needs to work on. Maybe he can fix that for future relationships, but the damage is done here. People get too hung up on the other person's past. You need to take the person for who he/she has been from the time you started dating. Distrust and insecurity are evil trolls to a relationship, and getting stuck in another person's past feeds them. My wife and I chose to talk very little about our past when we started dating. As the years progress, people tend to discuss a little more, but I think a new relationship needs to be seen as new. why judge someone or be jealous about something that a person did before you were together?

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He needs to get over it or you will always suffer. A relationship needs to have trust, and once that's broken there is no turning back. If he can't forgive you for something in the past, you need to let him go. If you can't trust the things he says, then you need to leave. There are much better people out there for you that will never make you worry and will keep you happy.

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It's never going to work. Trust is built up to a point where it becomes unconditional. Sometimes this happens very quickly, but others it takes more time. Every time trust on either side becomes in question the trust balance goes down a little. From what you have said this is at rock bottom. There comes a point where you have to question wether it will ever happen. All the other things in a relationship, love, fun, companionship, intimacy etc mean nothing without the trust it is all built on.

I think in 5 years you will be in the same position, but by then you may have children and other commitments that trap you into a unhappy life with this guy who is so insecure he can't learn to trust and love you. I hope it works out ok for you.

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Replace him.



He has control issues. He will criticize and blame for the life of your relationship. It will only get worse the more comfortable he gets... and so will your self-esteem. Find someone who treats you lovingly.

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i second to that!

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Well said.

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Perhaps you were too honest too soon. I sense you already suspect this relationship will not work well. It may be time to say "See 'ya Pal" and move on. The fact that you have been intimate with someone else will always be shoved in your face. You do not need that.

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What has happened in the past should stay in the past. If you two can't trust each other going forward, then you need to call it quits now. The past can't help your future, it can only hurt it.

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It sounds like you need to move on.2013 is almost here,start new let the past go.

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Give him 2 options. He can either let go of that bullish*t or he can let go of you.

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Since none of us here know all the aspects of your relationship and all the good things about it, I know it is difficult for you to accept what we are saying. The things he brings up is nothing more than to make you feel bad and for you to think you are less of a person than you really are. It is not easy to end a relationship but staying wit& him and he makes you feel bad about the past is going to bring you down far worse if he doesn't let it go for good. And if he doesn't let it go, you are going to be for worse off with him than you would be without him.

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Since trust between the both of you is little to non existent it's probably time to tell him good bye and find someone who can accept you for who you are now without who you were in the past being a wedge. People need to accept you for you and you need to accept people for who they are as well. Honesty is the best policy but if being honest is something your and your partner can't do or accept without jealousy, hurt of mistrust then you have not found the right person.

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Next time you are with him give him a good hard kick in his ballss and tell him enough is enough and you don"t want to hear another word about that anymore! It is called taking the bull by the Horns!

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You know something must be up. I have very strict ethics where it comes to love and relationships... You slept with someone the day before your first date?! That's technically none of his business... He didn't own you then and there can't have been any commitment by then farther than going on a date! As for being experienced... He knew about it when HE made his commitment to YOU. If he's uncomfortable about it, fine... Don't discuss. But if he has hang-ups and keeps giving you a hard time about it, you need to define a boundary. He needs to either get over it or reconsider being with you. It would be a waste of time to have a LTR with someone who has hang-ups about your past, or who you are as a person.

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That he cannot let go and trust you is a red flag. That you cannot let go and trust him is also a red flag. Neither one of you trusts the other. Without trust, love cannot exist. You cannot, and will not, love one another. I know it is sad....but it is time to admit that it is not working out.

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My bf does this to me - only for 9 years--he has no defense when he's wrong so he brings up mistakes I've made years before I met him. He tries to refocus my attention when he does something wrong. I try not to let it bother me. I just try to remember how desperate he is to not take any responsibility.

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You told him the truth! I wish my girlfriend did that, that would make me respect her so much more. There is really no damage of your relationship. Its should make you guys stronger and I would trust my gf even more after that!

Yes I would be mad maybe for a while but then get over it 100%.

There is so many people that lies and not being honest in their relationship. I give you cred for telling him!



Aron

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