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What would you suggest I do, as this is greatly hurting me emotionally and mentally. ~ UPDATE: Friday September 28th First, I want to say, Thank you to "EVERYONE" that replied to my dilemma. ~ Last night my daughter called the house and left a message saying that " She wanted NOTHING to do with me, AND if I continued to call her, or try to contact her in anyway, she was going to file a RESTRAINING ORDER against me for harassment ! ".........Are you kidding me ? Really ??? She is behaving like a spoiled 23yr old brat !!!
msfancypants msfancypants 46-50, F 24 Answers Sep 24, 2012 in Parenting & Family

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I'm not talking to my mom, but I would never do that to her - If it's that bad, you could go to court

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Exactly- grandparents rights are quite recognizable legally

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Thank you again. If I do not here from my daughter and her husband by the end of this week.....I will file for visitation Babz.

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Good for you! And Good Luck!

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Thank you. It would be wrong for you to not allow your kids to have as much love from family as possible unless family was harming them in any way. What a lovely person you are.Thank you for the support.

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You are 100% right - don't for one minute think you are doing something wrong - Peace

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And to you as well kind soul sister !

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Read my update.

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Lawyer-up

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I was hoping that I didn't have to go there, but if this continues, I love and care about my grand~babies enough to fight for the right to see them ! Thank you for reminding me that sometimes we have to do, what we have to do.

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Where's her man- is he more reasonable?

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You know Babz, that's another thing that I really do not understand completely. He used to be, very much so.I accepted my son in law 8 yrs ago when he first came into our home for a party that my eldest son was having. He met my daughter, they courted and got married. Ever since then I have always admired the way he conducted himself as a husband, father, and son in law. Anytime he had issues with my daughter he would ask me to come over and help mediate and I would. I helped them out as much as I could and soon they began asking me for money for the little extra things in life. Eventually the monetary amounts became greater and greater. I take full responsibility for allowing this to happen as I knew I should have taught them to live within their means. In fact my son in law's mother NEVER gave them money because she knew better. She is a wonderful person and has helped them out tremendously in other ways. I am guilty of NEVER saying NO to them, even if I went without. In retrospect I now see that I was creating their dependence on me. I also see that I over taxed myself and in doing so I sincerely believe that they lost respect for me. At this point her man is at her side, where he should be, and he is clearly condoning her behavior which really caught me off guard. Normally he has always brought the babies over to my house whenever my daughter was mad at me. I have left a simple message on his phone everyday asking him to please bring the babies over to see me but he has not responded. I do know that he fears my daughter as she can be physical with him at times. I am thinking that she has put the fear of GOD in him if he does the right thing by bringing the the kids over. She may view that as a betrayal on his part and maybe he is tired of fighting with her. Thank you for asking. One last thing, if they fail to respond to my calls by Sunday, which will be a month, I will file for visitation rights as I believe this is greatly affecting the babies.

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She is being evil just plain evil. No mater how much or how little the money is, children are price less and should not be used as pawns ever. Do not feed in to her games it may be pain full but there are two choices ; fight or flight . If you can not fight then you must let go it will hurt but when they are older and grown up a bit more they will be able to make their own decisions. I believe you are a kind and loving person with a really big heart, and that they (the grandkids) will come back to you eventually.

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Thank you for supporting me.

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The answer is not simple either way you are seen as the bad guy in this. Either you lawyer up (and its smart to do so just in case.) Because it seems like she has some resentment towards you and is only doing this because it hurts you, it would be wise to lawyer up and don't feed into her demands or let her hurt you further. <br />
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If she wants to control your life/money issues and that is all that she cares about, and that is why she is doing what she is doing you can always play hardball and find a way for her not to get your money, even if you do think of the grandchildren and you want the grandchildren to get your money, it would be wise not to give in to her demands and find a way for the grandchildren only to get your money. Assuming that is the situation.

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You are very wise. I have seen my grand~babies since birth. One is 3 and the other is 1. This happened after I told her I could no longer afford to give her $1000.00 dollars a month or more. Hhhhmmm.......do you see a correlation here ?

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BTW......She is married !

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Yes I see where your coming from, although I can't tell you what I would do personally because I get the feeling you are a really nice lady (I'm not by the way, I am a b!tch if you screw with me personally, comes from years of people screwing you over lol) but personally I would lawyer-up. Actually even then "lawyering-up" is being "too nice," that personally would be the "nice" way of playing fire with fire. If you really wanted to you could take legal action so she doesn't EVER get a cent from you or your belongings in the future! lol. So even if you can't control what its like now you sure as h3ll can in the future. As far as your grandchildren go though the only possible ummm legal way is to get a lawyer though :/

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Thank you lowrider. You have a good heart even if you think of yourself as a ***** ! lol......Thank you very much for the compliment, it is very much appreciated. Sometimes being a ***** is the only thing that gets us through the rough times. I am amazed at how many truly caring and sincere responses I received from everyone and I really do, feel a heck of a lot better ! I have grown some balls since I posted this and if I don't get a response by this Sunday from my daughter or my son~in~law, I will file for visitation rights in Court on Monday. This is definitely a battle worth fighting. Stop by soon, and see how things transpired. Talk to you soon.

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Read my update.

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Sorry I didn't see this reply until just now. Good for you!!!! I am happy you decided to do that because then this way at least she wont have the power to keep your grand babies from you! Did you already do it? Or are you talking about next monday? Well if you haven't added me, add me because I would like to know if it went OK.

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Have a sneaking suspition son-in- law could be manipulating her.

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I never thought of that. She normally wears the pants in her family, lol. Thanks for the reply.

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Think of the cruelty to her grandchildren? you cannot let her emotionally blackmail you for money using her own children. Get some support, and find out what you can do to ensure seeing them

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You are absolutely right ! Thank you.

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Read my update

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take it to court. Unfortunately your daughter associates you with money. A "money object". no money? no use! wherease you are a person who is entitled to a relationship with your grandchildren. Now you assisted your daughter in treating you like that by "scarificing" yourself...that's not a loving thing to do to yourself or her..Best of luck with it

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I can answer this from personal experience. I lost my only daughter. She had 2 beautiful daughters that her addict bf will not let us see. We went to court 6 times under the GRANDPARENT'S right...Ohio is one of the most progressive states there are and we LOST. You in essence have no rights. My daughter even named my sister as one of her guardians and she is not allowed to see them.<br />
she is holding you emotionally hostage. there really is nothing you can do..trust me.

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Thank you so much for the reply. I am really sorry that you lost your daughter, I can't even begin to imagine....I really can't believe that if the father is a drug~addict, how in the heck was he able to get custody of those grand~babies ? What a crime that is, in and of itself. I can certainly understand how painful and blatantly unfair this is/was, for you ! California is very liberal as you may well know, so I am going to go to "Family Mediation" and have them help me with a resolution of some kind. I have established an ongoing relationship with my grand~babies since they were first born. Withholding those babies from our family and I, is not only causing us all a lot of unnecessary emotional pain, but it is detrimental to the well~being of the babies ! Say a prayer for us all. I hope someday you will be able to re~unite with your beautiful 2 grand~daughters.

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you have no idea how we suffered. there is more to tell but the bottom line is i have notseen them for over 5 years and we were very active in their lives too. please message me if you ever need to talk!

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Thank you kind. No, I certainly do not have any idea how much you and your family have suffered and I am so sorry that you had to experience that. My heart feels for you and I can only hope and pray that someday you too, will be able to reunite with your beautiful grand~daughters.

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OK new idea - HOW have you talked to her about your concerns sometimes we must first truely listen to open communication and consideration. So - try contacting her and saying "I feel like you>>>>>>" then when she replies, refect what you hear again saying "you feel....." you start by hearing then see if she will hear you check out<br />
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Relationships that work - the power of concious living by David Wolf <---------- Send her this book but do not include who it came from... WOW I am sorry :( Not sure you want to put a bunch of details here, but you said she was going to therapy? Was this just in general or does she have a personality disorder or other mental health condition? <br />
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I know there are always "two sides" to every story - but if this really did start the moment you could not afford to send her financial support, and she has not expressed any other reason for not wanting to see you or have you in her grandchildrens life it's a tough one. Interestingly, I don't have kids yet, and most of my friends do not either, but of the few that do I have 2 that have serious problems with their mother-in-laws (not moms though) and they still let the grandmas see the grandkids. Both women can at times not even be around their mother-in-laws but they still send the grandskids over to spend time. One of these wome also has problems with her step-dad an in relation to him she has a strained relationship with her mom when he acts badly and her mother for what ever reason lets him. Still, they see their grand kids (I just get a venting phone call after lol)<br />
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OK, all that said - the main issue is over controlling - I am not suggesting you are but if she percieves you to be, maybe in her mind she put up with what ever personality trait she experienced/percieved you to have for the monthly money. I have heard friends complain about their mothers and have meany time though "oh they are just being moms" BUT in these two cases I detailed the moms were over the top, one in a way that was dangerous even as she let the young kids do anything. I also saw this strain occasionally impacted the children's veiw of mom and grandmom. Problems usually invoved how the kids dressed, how their health care was managed, religion, the men (granddads) being rude saying chavanistic insulting thinkgs to their worrking daughter-in-laws, and geneally perpetual second guessing what mom and dad chose to do. Both of my friends are loving wonderful women who sacrifice everything for their family so I agreed the insults and second guessing were unfair.<br />
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SO - I told you all this not to say you ever did anything wrong, and it sounds like nothing you do now will matter, but as hard and sad as it is maybe just stepping back is all you can do until she can sit down like an adult and tell you what is wrong. 23 is an adult but it is still young especially if she has had "her way" most of her life... uh oh almost outta letters

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Dear Sci~fi, I appreciate your advice. I believe in " I " statements as I take full responsibility for everything I say and do. I have left a message on my daughter's phone every day letting her know that I miss my grand~babies and if I can please visit with them, or if they can visit with me. I always end with I love you all unconditionally. They will not reply to my calls. I have seen my grand~babies since birth every wednesday and friday. I spend a lot of money on my daughter every month. I have for the past three years but I am now on a fixed income and things have changed. My daughter got angry at me when I told her I could no longer continue to give her a $1000.00 or more dollars a month.

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Wow so you have received a clear message and you only respond with love and honesty. Maybe there is more she is not saying or maybe she has said it all.
You could force the situation legally, is this some thing you want or are able to do? If you can afford a good Lawer, another option is to set up a trust for your grand children, a good Lawer can create one that will provide any money you have to leave to them and not your daughter (maybe for education) and that sends a message too. You love your daughter dispite it all and all you want is to give to her and you grandkids, but it is no longer possible for that to be in the form of payouts for love, and you experience her as loving your money alone.

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You know Sci Fi.......I believe you are on to something. I think maybe my daughter feels that I owe her something. Maybe she feels that money equals love. To be honest I think she is just having a difficult time taking responsibility for herself. She knows that she needs to take care of her mental well~being but she wants someone else to make her appointments and set up her ride as well as a babysitter, and oh of course the fee. I have done this for her twice and she ended up NOT going. Her husband did the same thing and she would not go. With that being said, I am beginning to think that there is more to this issue than just my daughter's anger towards me. I also think it has a lot to do with pride. I don't think she can sincerely apologize to me for her reckless behavior and I also get the feeling she is blaming me, somehow for her unhappiness right now. But.....I am not going to give her anymore money or gifts because this is not the correct solution. I am also not going to act on what I think she MAY be feeling because I don't know for sure why she is really behaving this way. I am going to remain firm, loving, and kind. I am going to learn from this issue and be much more assertive. I am also going to establish some very much needed boundaries with my daughter and tell her quite simply that what they are doing to the babies and I is purely selfish, because it is. Maybe it is time for me to behave more like a mother that deserves respect then a money tree ! Thank you SciFi for all of your help.

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Sometimes love is saying NO :) and saying YES to yourself

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EXCELLENT POINT !!!! Thank you.

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Read my update.

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Does she have a diagnosed mental health condition? If so you may just need to send word ver briefly and not to go behaind her back to her husband - just once and say that you will back off, you are there though and ready to hear her if and when she is ready. You may honestly want to look up the book I suggested it canhelp you learn how to improve your communication especially whith a very emotionally driven person

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YES, and thank you so much for asking !!! I didn't want to add that in my post to the public because I did not want to offend anyone who has been diagnosed with having a mental illness. I also didn't want everyone to focus on that, do you know what I mean ? Everyone gave me such good sound advice and YOU were the only one that figured it out !!! So.....with that being said this becomes such a delicate situation. I don't want her to react sporadically, but I am VERY worried about her. I saw a Psychologist yesterday to go over some personal issues and to ask what would be the best way to handle this fragile situation. I got some good referrals and left feeling much better. I just have to pray and wait for a while for my daughter to calm down. I am in the process of writing her a wonderful letter that tells her how much she is loved by me and that she is "MY" daughter, and that we can resolve this issue when she feels comfortable. I will definitely keep you posted.

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Yes do - I actually work with Psychologists, I am not one but I have learned a lot about people, communication and signs....

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I would try to sit her down and talk to her but if that doesn't work then you could possible bring it to courts depending on the laws of your state. Some states enforce grandparents rights. Hopefully, it doesn't come to that I was try to talk to her and come to a common consensus if possible! Best Of Luck!

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Thank you. Right now her and her husband will not respond to my phone calls or requests. I offered to go to their house and I also asked them to bring the babies over to my house. I have been a constant in my grand~babies lives since they were each born. One is 3 and one is 1. They saw me every week on wednesday and friday. Then when I no longer gave my daughter money every month she stopped bringing them over. I am beginning to think that Court is going to be my only reasonable solution.

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Oh, I am so srry that it has to come to that. I would still try a little bit harder so there isn't any bad feelings between you and daughter but if it doesn't work then you've got to do what you've got to do. It's not your resposibility to finacially support her or pay to see your grandkids that's a tad bit unethical(I say this so you don't become guilty or just give in and start giving them money again)! I wish you luck though and that everything works out so you are able to see your grandchildren!

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Thank you. I will definitely take your sound advice and try a little harder for the sake of my family's feelings. I would rather that this situation can resolve itself through time, love, and understanding.

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Your Welcome :) That would be great! So there isn't hurt or bitter feelings between you all. Once again I wish you luck and think positive about the situtation regaurdless of how stressful it seems or becomes! :)

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Read my update.

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If all else fails, and you've tried everything possible to be reasonable with her, you can take her to court for visitation rights. As the grandparent, you reserve the right to see your grandchildren, and if necessary, fight for custody of them if your daughter "has gone off the deep end".

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Thank you Outlaw, I believe that it may just come down to that. Never in my life did I ever think that my own daughter would be capable of such an uncaring and disrespectful act.

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Read my update.

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Isn't there something called - grandparents right? I have a daughter-in-law who did this with her son. I think it is because the child is not my real grandson. But in your case this is your daughter ?? I think some just like to be hurtful and controling (as you said)

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So do I, and I really do know my daughter well enough to know that she is having a temper tantrum because I can no longer give her money every month. She is married and my grand~babies are 3 and 1. I have been a constant part of their lives since each one was born.

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Read my update.

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My situation drove me to see a psychiatrist. Unfortunately there is no way to get other family members there. They can't be subpoeneaed like a court. But he helped me to understand the situation and how to cope.

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I did the exact same thing ! I saw a very professional Psychologist yesterday and I feel a lot better. I will be going to "Family Mediation" in hopes of finding some kind of resolution. Until then, I will remain calm, composed, and dignified. I will also continue therapy for a little while to help me retrieve my own self~respect ! Thank you Dusty

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I think all children do so much better with Grandparents in their lives. If jealousy is the case for you and your Daughter, then she is making her kids miss out on a wonderful experience and great memories to keep with them forever. I had wonderful Grandparents and unfortunately my Daughter didn't. Not having had this in her life, led her to believe that we Grandparents are not important in the lives of the kids. Actually there can never be enough love, or too much of it. It's so sad that they think this way.

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Every since I divorced my grown children's father 12 years ago for constant infidelity my grown daughter has gone through periods of withholding my grandkids from me. She married a controlling, arrogant sociopath who hates everyone and anyone that doesn't hand him gold on a silver platter! My daughter has picked up these traits as well - he brainwashed her to think she had a terrible childhood. Her older sister assures me they had a wonderful childhood. Being single and mid aged I now have to work two jobs to support myself and have a little left over to splurge on my grandkids (my one joy in life). My SIL since the beginning of his relationship with my daughter has dished out constant vile filth about me and our "crazy" family. We were not perfect parents but our children always had food on the table, a warm home, bills paid, new clothes and a quiet home - we NEVER argued in front of our children! Since my daughter married this joker, she has inherited his personality, regularly withholding my grandkids if "my behavior" doesnt' suit them which means my presents to them aren't good enough or I don't babysit enough! My oldest granddaughter is now 13 who treats me and her other grandmother with total disrespect. I know she's being told how "crazy" and unstable we are because I've heard my SIL say it over and over about the two of us for years. I've gone to counseling a number of times, each time the counselor with gentle words tells me my hands are tied, my grandchildren love their parents and will always respect whats being said to them about me. The counselor told me to remember their birthdays with gift cards (NO CASH) and love on them whenever I can. I can only hope and pray God will shine light on the truth when they become adults.

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I have no idea of the dynamics of your relationship, but grandchildren and children are often used as pawns in these atrocious family games. If you are not senile or dependent on care, seek out a lawyer and put all your financial resources In a trust directing who your heirs should be. <br />
Do not sign power of attorney over to any relative but only into the hands of a trustworthy lawyer not known to the family or a bank custodian <br />
Once you have tidied up the financial end you will be able to concentrate on renewing your relationship with your daughter if that is possible.<br />
i

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Yes, it is true that parents use children as weapons to seek revenge and this sickens me to no end. Unless a parent has a VALID reason for withholding their children from a family member, let alone a grand~parent, it is simply WRONG ! I believe this is clearly an act of selfishness by the parent who is doing this. Babies have no control over what their parents do and should not be tainted at such an early age by rage. Thank you Zorbas for the advice.

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Read my update.

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I do not even have kids yet and all my future money etc is set up to protect it from abuse and to go to my future kids and grandkids in a productive way if anything happened to me

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You are a very wise woman, that is/was a very smart thing for you to do, Good for you !!!

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If you have spoken with your daughter privately about the fact that you would love to see your grandchildren, and you have failed to resolve the matter with her, bring in one or two family therapists and see if you can get your daughter to sit down with them, and you, to discuss the matter in a group forum. If that fails to work, address the matter in church with your pastor or priest.

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Dear Rolle, I agree with you. Unfortunately my daughter and son in law will not respond to any of my phone calls. This is the first time they have ever done this to me. It started when I told them I could no longer continue giving them money whenever they asked. I explained to them that I was now on a fixed income. This is a failure on their part as I have been a part of my grand~babies lives since birth. I have seen the babies twice a week for as long as they have been born. My first grand~babie is 3 and the other is 1. To withhold the pure love I share with my grand~babies is outrageous. I have done so much for their little family and money should not be the reason I can't see them. I have asked my daughter several times before this happened to seek counseling for her own mental well being. I have even made appointments for her AND offered to pay, but she will NOT GO because of the stigma attached to mental illness. This is so painful for me, I can only imagine how hurt my little grand~babies must feel. They probably think grandma just abandoned them, lets hope not and pray that my daughter and son in law have had enough of this ridiculous situation.Thank you for your support.

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Read my update.

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Yup, I will be going to "Family Mediation" for a resolution. Thanks for your support !

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sadly I don't think there's much you can do...<br />
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she has the right to decide whom they have contact with... you could try court but if you weren't a big part of their life till now I guess there wouldn't be much use...<br />
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I'm realy sorry for you... does she name any reason?

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I have been a part of my grand~babies lives since they were born, I was at each of their births. I have seen them every single week since they have been alive. They spent the night every wednesday and friday. One is 3 and the other is 1. This happened ever since I told my daughter and son in law that I could no longer give them $1000.00-$1500.00 a month. My son in law has a very good job and my daughter is a stay at home mom. Why would they suddenly be angry enough to no longer allow me to see the babies ? I have NEVER caused any harm to my grand~children. I love and care about them deeply. They are not only hurting me, but they are also hurting the babies.

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in this case I guess you'd stand a chance... you've been part of their life before and it would cause damage if you're not aloed to continue to be ... so I'd say you could at least try it but I fear if you do and fail... it would only seperate your daughter more from you and make her keep the children away compleatly... or actually make her think she's got a true reason for it...

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I see your point Sam and I thank you for your kind concern now that you see the bigger picture here. I know for certain that I have never harmed my grand~babies in any way and unless my daughter wants to commit perjury in court I will end up filing for visitation rights ! I also want to say thank you for reminding me to bring up the fact that it will cause damage to these innocent babies to be withheld from all the pure love I have to offer them.

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you're quit welcome... I know how hard it is to be seperatet from the ones you love... and realy... I can't understand how a mother could do this to her children

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Neither can I Sam. I also do not understand how a daughter could do this to a mother who did her very best to try and give her everything she needed and wanted. Maybe that is the real problem. I raised a brat, ya think ?

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öhm... probably yes... I mean whenyou'reused to get everything you want it's hard to leave such a thing behind... that's why I'm happy that I had to learn how it is without anything... now I can atleast appreciate the luxury I have... things I never truly understood befor

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Exactly. I too, had to learn how to go without and I think that....that is why I tried to give my own children everything I could. This was a hard lesson to learn but now I can see why this turned out the way it did. Thank you again Sam.

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you're welcome... and good luck... if it's only that I guess she'll come around in time... it's just a hard lesson to learn... thought others start with it when their 2... and eventually they'll want to go out xD and I'm sure they wouldn't like to have to find an other babysitter xD

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Read my update.

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wow... sorry but right now she's behaving worse then my 3 year old sister.... I'd say go first and force her to visitingrights... she wants to play by law... make her feel that law says you can't just remove a constant grantparent out of your childs life... I'm realy sorry for how she's behaving

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Thank you Sam. I will. I am just so disgusted by my own daughter's behavior.

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sorry for you... but I'm honestly thinkung she's just throwing a huge tantrum xD

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I think you are a candidate for jerry springer show

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Ha ha....silly one !

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Yep, my professional daughter told me virtually the same thing, just before my 64th b-day 10/28/13. no contact with my 4 granddaughters or my 2 grandsons. This was per order of her professional husband.

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I am sorry to hear this

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My 32 year old daughter has not spoken to me or let me see my grandchildren for three years. She won't forgive me for leaving her alcoholic father. He still gets to see them and was even allowed to babysit until my son in law realized it might not be save to leave toddlers alone with him. She was my best friend, but as soon as I told her I was divorcing she told me to leave her house. Got a note the next week saying she hoped I died and burned forever in hell. I still send her money for holidays and birthdays, but she "re-gifts" any presents I try to give the children. I try to not think about it but sometimes it overwhelms me and I have nightmares. I don't think there's any good solution to this. I investigated grandparent rights, but honestly there is not much you can do. She has the ultimate control and there will be no winners in this war and no joy in a court enforced relationship.

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Why do our own kids do this to us ? I am sorry that you have to go through this as well.

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All you can do is sit and cry your heart out, I've done that plenty of times. If her mother was still here, bless her soul, she'd give her hell, but she's gone.

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its because i reported her for child abuse .. no i reported her boyfriend he beat my grandson. and now i cant see him.

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that is such bull crap !

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