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saidanddone saidanddone 36-40, F 17 Answers Jan 16, 2013 in Marriage

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Dear Said:<br />
<br />
I am sorry. As a man who also had an EA, I am dealing with this issue real time. My answer is don't know/maybe. Much depends on why he did it. Was he lonely? Emotionally detached? Is there a pattern with him? Does he still love you? Lots of questions.<br />
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In my case, I was emotionally detached -- and had been for years. I was numb and rely nothing. Then my path crossed someone who penetrated my defenses and I never saw her coming. After 14 years of not feeling any passion, I had an emotional connection and passion. It was like water to someone in the desert. <br />
<br />
As for fall out on my marriage now that Danielle ended our relationship, the jury is out. I am dealing with the grief and loss of the woman I want and love -- as well as trying to assess if I want my marriage to continue. This is hell and my therapist says it will get worse for me before it gets better. <br />
<br />
My heart goes out to you. I doubt my answer helps you much.

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I think every bit of honesty - specially from one who was in a similar boat

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I think I can forgive him if he would just come back to me. The trouble is that he seems so depressed. It's been over a year and when I look at him I just don't see the same person. The cause of the affair was that we were just too comfortable in our marriage, took each other for granted, etc. We were so busy that we would go days without even talking. He is also worried about getting older and this was his chance to feel younger. I just feel like he has to change or this won't work. I just don't know what to do anymore!

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Dear Said:
Please see a therapist for you. If he is not getting help, he needs it too.
In my case, I honestly don't know if I want my marriage to continue, but I have some unique and specific issues with my wife which caused me to detach.
Get help, Said

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Do you still love him ? Do you want to make a go of it ? Can you forgive him ?

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I do love him and recently found out I'm pregnant but things with us just aren't the same.

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"Emotional affair?" THAT POOR BASTARD.

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yep. poor everyone.

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Amen.

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emotional affair. Thats a Laffer. If your abraisive or contrary, your man will talk with other women who he finds easy to talk to. YOu got a mate thats difficult to even talk to i mean whats the point. <br />
Affair, is a PHYSICAL thing. Flirting is free, unless your saying they were exchanging love letters or something, an emotional affair is a bs concept. <br />
you either are cheating, thinking about it, or not a cheater.

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Forgiveness is my answer

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That sounds worse than a physical affair.<br />
What about writing letters to each other? With interactive communication you both would just keep getting angry at each other.

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Interesting idea if I could get him to do it.

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Maybe write him a quiet toned one...who knows. Do wish you luck though, sounds like you got the short straw.

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Talk with each other. If there hasn't been any closure seek counseling that may benifit the two of you. Deal with one issue at a time, bring it to closure then move on to the next. That would be a start. Each one has to take responsibility for the vulnerability in the relationship. It takes two to make it and it takes two to break it.

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Why did he have an emotional affair? I think if you answer this question, you will have the answer to your other one.

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Distance created the problem and that's what I'm trying to fix.

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If distance was the problem, and still is the problem...
...maybe you need to forget about the affair for a while, and start dating again. Find things to do together, and try to remember what was so interesting about one another that drove you to get married in the first place.

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When we are alone it's like we have nothing to say. He's not "in love" with me anymore.

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Yea, love is sometimes more action than feeling. Marriage gets boring. You know so much about each other that it sometimes feels there is nothing new or exciting.
Think about it this way: at this point you've got nothing left to lose (because no changes probably means the end anyway, right?). So, open up. Share some of your deep, dark fantasies. Show him or tell him something he hasn't seen before.
Find a hobby he enjoys, and get involved (in a non obsessive or intrusive way).
Spice up your sex life. Women (in my experience) often let traditions or society curb their true sexuality. Affairs tend to tear down those boundaries, and that might be a part of what makes marriage seem boring.
And, in the end, if this is how life is going to be you need to sit down and discuss the best way to end it.
I am sorry you are going through this. Stay strong, true to yourself, and keep your eyes on the future.

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1 More Response

What is an emotional affair?

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Haha. It's possible to fall in love with strangers just from words that they type into a computer? That is crazy ****

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What drove him to it? Breakdown in communication needs to be sorted out right at the outset. Pride keeps both apart.

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Why did something have to "drive him to it" ? People need to take responsibility for their own choices.

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I didn't drive him to do anything! I am a loving wife and mother and he is the one with issues!

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A loving relationship has turned sour or the flame has gone out. It is best to get a responsible person involved to mediate. Mediation is important. Sometimes we are unable to see our faults (me included many times). Salvage your marriage do not let it slip away. Seek help. You will be surprised at how some couples are back and in a loving relationship.

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Happened to me. Eventually lead to separation. If we had to do it all over again we would have put more into US in the aftermath rather than trying to bury it.

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We tried counseling and we talk a lot but always end up fighting. We can never agree. I don't know how to make this work!

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counseling

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