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I think he feels guilty because my son lives with us and he doesn't get to see his kids every day. I am at my wits end though. They hate each other and now I find myself lying or leaving things out where my kids are concerned. I don't want another failed marriage but I can't stand the sarcasm any more. My son also has asperger syndrome and making friends for him is a challenge so he spends a lot of time at home. He is in college though and doing well in his classes. His resentment of my children has caused me to resent his children as well which just causes a huge circle of resentment.
Teri2112 Teri2112 46-50 14 Answers Mar 23, 2009

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Its hard to say without watching the interaction, but to me it sounds like a two way street- they don't like each other. While your boy is able to go out and start his own life, your husband is looking at beginning to wind his up- with you. - I read the answers above, and it seems everyone is rooting for you to get rid of your husband "because your children are more important"... Let's not forget, an 18 year old is not a baby, I'm sure anyone that's 18 who posted above will agree. I would be willing to wager that you are reluctant to let this "child" go his own course, that you coddle him, and that you are quick to take his side and defend him. This is not only bad for your marriage, its bad for your son. Don't you think it is a bit of a stressor for your husband to have a grown man in his house who can overrule him through his mate? If you still can't see it, turn the tables, and imagine living with him and his daughter whom he appeared to love more than you each and every time an issue came up. Your son is a wedge, and just because he has a disability does not mean he can't bust his own brush; make his own path. And he might need a girlfriend to hang out with. This is the best stab I could make at trying to give you some insight from the man's perspective using what little information I was given, and I admit, some of it was extrapolation. If you need to talk more about it, you can PM me anytime. -sxadickt

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Because he is not a man. A real man belittles no one, especially someone with Asperger's.<br />
Why would you let someone treat your son that way?<br />
Dump his punk ***.

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Having had this very same problem, with my husband and my kids from a previous marriage...my only advice to you is.....Always put your kids first.....they are your blood....don't allow anything, or anyone....to come between your relationship with your children....I don't care how old they are. Your husband sounds immature.....I mean, who is the grown up here? Good luck, and God Bless....

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Even if he doesn't like him, he should consider the fact that he is an eighteen year old with the maturaty of an eighteen year old... see where I am going with this? He needs to grow up and start acting like the father figure that he is supposed to be. You need to have a talk with him because he needs to stop taking things out on your son and start taking them out on his ex. Protect your son, it is your job whether he is two or fifty, he is and always will be your son, so start treating your husband like the threat that he has become!

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My sister has Aspergers Syndrome, and I can't stand the way my sister-in-law talks to her; so I understand where your concerns come from in that respect.<br />
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Men are naturally territorial, and for some reason, we don't like to feel responsible for children that aren't ours. It's not a concious decision to dislike another man's child, but it's kind of a subconcious reminder that "our woman" used to "belong to someone else." I don't know what advice to give you, but at least I can offer an insight into how things work in MY mind.

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Maybe they don't get alone because the way your son sees it is - he's not my father.<br />
and the way your husband sees it is - you're not my son. and i know i can't measure up to your dad.<br />
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maybe he does get a little agrevated because he can't see his children. and doesn't want his children to think that he'll take care of someone else's kids while they take a back seat. <br />
this is pretty normal. in many cases this happens, you're not alone. <br />
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whatever you do. don't ever put your kids second. they always come first. Especially being as your son has aspergers. he needs you. don't make him take a back seat. <br />
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sit with them both. tell them how much this is getting to you. say you can't stand to see them fight. you can't go on like that forever. you have to draw the line somewhere.

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ALPHA MALE syndrome happens in all families sit down and discuss it in a calm way to rule out any other posibilities as it shuld stop b4 it realy damages the young boys confidence eaaven if he doesnt show it

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Why? They dont like each other. That happens. Just bc your related in this way doesnt mean they will automatically like each other. Even biological parents might have a dislike for one of their own. It happens.<br />
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Males typically act like two bucks over the female around this age too. It does not seem to go away except in the distant future. Males are males.<br />
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Have a sit down wth them, tell them you recognize that each do not like each other, get them to acknowlege the facts. Then say, let us learn to get along in our home our place of refuge while we are living here. This is not a battleground, its our home. Can we try to coexist in this world? Explain that the verbal hits really upset MOM and if MOM isnt happy - none will be happy. So can you both be grown ups and get along? Try it.

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I must say that I agree with the posting by Esemjay. It is no man's intention not to like another man's child. My stepson has asperger's syndrome also. I don't think that men take enough time to consider whether they will be able to bond or even like their stepson; especially one with a mental impairment, that has difficulty communicating. It is a huge challenge for the step parent as well, because it is sometimes difficult enough adjusting to a normal child that is not your own. I admit that I did not consider this issue as thoughtfully as I should have. And had I really given it a lot of thought, my wife and I would never have married. My wife had my stepson out of wedlock in her somewhat more promiscuous days. My stepson just turned 16, and his biological father (whom I have never met) has never been made to pay one penny for this young man's existence, and though I have never said anything, I have always resented it. So therefore, when I look at my stepson, he is a sub-conscience reminder of a time before I met my wife, when she was promiscuous; especially since he doesn't even look anything like her. As for me, I am well aware that this is my problem, and as a Christian, I constantly pray for God to soften my heart for my stepson ... still it is not easy. As for those who say the woman's child should come first, I disagree on the basis that biblically when you marry someone, God should be your first priority, you should honor your spouse next, and then your children. However, I believe if it is done right, it can be accomplished without anyone feeling that they are last in the pecking order. If you honor your spouse, I don't believe any man would have an issue with you showing your child the right kind of love and attention.

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You are in a toxic situation and it won't get better unless you get counseling or just leave him. He sounds very toxic and what he is doing to your son is abusive. You say your son has Asperger's? Well that right there tells me you need to do something soon and your son relies on you to help him. He has a form of Autism and you need to be his advocate. It is quite unfortunate that this man you are with has prayed on your child like this. I have seen this happen in my own family as a child and believe me it does not help when we become adults and know that our Mother's could have done more to protect us.

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I DONT KNOW HOW OLD YOURE HUSBAND IS AND I WOULD LIKE TO BUT IT SOUNDS TO ME THAT HE IS NO SPRING CHICKEN. WHEN OLDER MEN HAVE YOUNG CHILDREN WETHER THEY ARE BIOLOGICAL OR OTHERWISE THEY TEND TO RESENT THEM NOT ONLY OUT OF JEALOUSY. I BELIEVE THEY ARE RESENTFUL OF THEIR YOUTH. MEN WANT TO STAY YOUNG FOREVER AND WHEN THERE IS A REMINDER IN THE HOUSE ESPECIALLY A YOUNGER SON THEY LOOSE CONTROL OF THEIR FEELINGS AND THINGS GET NASTY. SOME PARENTS ARE GETTING OLDER AND GRAYER AND THE MUSCLES ARE GETTING SAGGIER AND TO SEE A VIBRANT YOUTH EVERYDAY IN FRONT OF THEM MAKES THEM WISH THEY COULD BE LIKE THEM AGAIN. YOUR SONS ILLNESS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. MEN THINK OF THEIR IMMORTALITIY AT A CERTAIN AGE AND THEY GO CRAZY.

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you should probably leave him. your kids are more important.

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I think you have to find some way to get your husband to understand that your child is an extension of you so he needs to treat your son with respect as he would you. This is especially since your son can't help the way he is. I don't mean to put down your husband but he sounds selfish and childish. That just bothers me when people are like that to someone that they know is weaker than they are.<br />
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I don't want to say get rid of your husband since he is your husband and I don't believe in people splitting up but you have to get him to change how he treats your children. He probably is resentful that his kids didn't live with you but he needs to get over that.

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