I am in the 'bad guy' position here, given the comments above, however, I will voice my point as a guide to both sides.
To the natural parent-
Dont be a slave to your kid.
Dont worry that not being a slave will make them want them to live with your ex instead of you.
Make them do chores, that helps to build your family as a team, all pulling together.
Do'nt give in to emotional blackmail, your new husband/wife is likely to enhance both of your lives; lets face it if the natural father or mother is no longer around then you have learned lessons and have chosen more wisely, especially if you have commited to marriage.
If your ex is male and your kid is still having contact, expect problems; men never grow up and he will be jealous of your new husband and use his influence on your child to poison your new relationship.
If you have comitted to marriage, stay comitted to it. Your should show your husband/wife that they come first and that you respect and stand by the commitment you made to them ( forsaking all others is the oath the Church would advise )
If you show your total commitment and support to your husband/wife the rest will naturally follow.
Put your marriage first!
That is so important, you would if you were still with his/her dad/mum.
A husband/ wife is meant for life, kids can grow up to be right ******** that only a parent would love.
Your kid will NEVER be with you for life. Your loving husband/wife will if you treat them right and put them first.
My stepson is now 18,
I have been with his mother ( my wife ) since he was 15.
He has developed, over the last 3 years into a selfish, ignorant, self absorbed, lazy, slobbish, needy, over indulged 'mummys boy'
As Our relationship ( myself and my wife ) has blossomed into a wonderful thing, the stepson has done everything in his power to cause problems between us; I should add at this stage that all was going well until he knew we planned to marry!
There is nothing wrong with resenting your step-child; you are, in your genetics, made that way.
A lion entering a new pride and defeating the resident male lion, will kill all the offspring of is predecessor.
As much as we like to think ourselves civilised, we are animals at heart and in fact.
We retain animal instincts.
Best advice, keep your husband/wife on your side, be calm at all times and you will work it through.
The kid will not be there forever.
You didn't say how old your son is but I'll guess he's a youngster. If he hates your son, you need to get rid of him. You and your son should be a package deal. Period!
They don't have to like each other, but they need to both understand, even if it is common sense, that you will not choose between the two of them and that you have room in your heart for them both. They have gone through a lifechanging transition that they may never accept, and if you try to force them to get along, it will make things worse. Just let them work this out on their own, and by all means, DON'T LET THEM VENT TO YOU ABOUT EACH OTHER! They will try to put you in the middle as if you control the other one, and you will wind up the bad guy EVERY time! Just tell them both, if they have a problem with each other, they can take it up with each other.
Coolpenguin, you are the most stupid person on earth! how can you say that, the mother has an obligation to her child, she must protect the younger child at all cost, my mother did this to me, guess what, i haven't see her in 8 years, she was sick i just hung up the phone on her and i have no regret, because i was never shown the correct love, putting a man before your children could turn bad. Many girls get molested and why bother telling mom, when she says to work it out on your own, its a hostile environment, 90% of blended families never work, the child did not choose to be in this situation, just like i never choose my mothers husband to beat me up when my mother was at work because my mother was in love and need sex, i paid for her happiness, her son should not pay the price! He is the adult, the boy is the child he is younger! He was in the picture before the man was! Men need to know their place, husbands can come and go but your child is your flesh and blood is life long! I have no feelings for my mother because she did what you said and i can't even love becuase i don't know what that is, it has effected me so much i'm not married and i am terrified of having children...this is what blended (alot) cause. Listen to your child, and fix the problem tell the child if the child is wrong, but if the husband hates the child then there is no room for him, this child is a part of her, when he dies...she will turn to her child - in turn he'll slam the door in her face! then she will be left wit nothing, a mothers job is never done, when he is grown has has his own family then its different, but even though your a mother first! the child is innocent and has no one but a mother, the man is grown an adult that works he can leave!
He needs to respect that that is her child, and if he can't he needs to leave, a woman should not sit back and let her child suffer in pain fighting everyday because mommy wants sex, its not fair, the child didn't ask for this relationship, the mother brought it upon the child! remember that...its her job to be the mother and stand up for her child! the man can leave its a package deal!
USUALLY IN A SECOND MARRIAGE WHERE THERE ARE STEPCHILDREN INVOLVED ONE OF THE SPOUSES HATES THE OTHERS CHILDREN OR CHILD. IT IS VERY COMMON THAT HUSBANDS DONT GET ALONG WITH THEIR STEPSONS. I DONT KNOW IF IT MAY BE A CASE OF JEALOUSY OR IT IS A CASE OF RIVILARY FOR THE WIFES AFFECTIONS BECAUSE MOTHERS ARE USUALLY CLOSE TO THEIR SONS. SOMETIMES ITS A CASE WHERE THE MAN LOOKS AT THE SON AS YOUNG AND VIRAL WHEN HE IS HEADING INTO OLD AGE AND THAT IS A REMINDER THAT HE WILL NEVER BE THAT VIRAL AGAIN. SOMETIMES WIVES FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT A STEPDAUGHTER STEALING THE AFFECTIONS OF THE HUSBAND ---DADDYS LITTLE GIRL CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS.
OMG - I'm in over my head in a similar situation! I have 3 sons from previous relationships (2 from a previous marriage & 1 from that "in between" stage). I remarried almost 4 years ago to a man who ultimately never wanted kids at all, yet has/had two (one passed away from a brain tumor a month ago. He was 15). Immediately after my remarriage I had my tubes tied to ensure no new pregnancies. Anyway, my 2 oldest are special needs kids - one's 20, the other 17. The 20 yr. old we foresee living w/us eternally due to his disabilities; the other is mildly disabled & has a fighting chance, however, he's forever getting in trouble (minor matters, but enough to ultimately lead to a bigger problem someday if this keeps up-coupled w/his disability). At any rate due to this my new husband is becoming unforgiving & less-tolerant & due to low tolerance becoming verbally & mildly physically abusive towards the one. I don't know what to do, as I have my own current disabilities that limit me from being able to just up & walk away myself. He says he'll go to counseling but yet he's a christian scientist & doesn't believe in "doctors" so when I make appointments says "no" because of his religious beliefs. I don't know what to do!
Incredible how a person that sais they love you will never see how much they are husrting you when they dislike your children. If they are little then they are a hassle and too mcuh to handle, if they are teens they are stupid rebelious and a bigger hassle. If they are yound adults trying to figure life out they are just acting like ediots and need to begin actin like "adults". What these stepfathers are clearly not seeing is how freaking childish THEY are acting. Be a freaking mentor dammit. Teach by example and love by deeds not words. Idiots!!!
I am in the same position. My husband doesn't like my two sons. We have a baby together who he adores, but he openly says he hates my boys and thinks that they hate him. They are 14 and twelve and are generally nice kids and don't need someone to undermine their confidence, but I love my husband and he is fantastic with our child. I am hoping that in time they will begin to talk and things will work out, but maybe I'm just dreaming.
My bf says he hates my son too and im thinking of leaving too as they argue everyday and im over it.its discusting how he talks to my son and how my son talks to him is just as bad my sons only 8 and my bf an adult so i expect him to grow up and at least try to like and get along with my boy but he dosent so i guess its time for me to tell him things arnt working and that i cant live like this and neither can my son.hes miserable being around my bf and that makes me depressed as well seeing my wee boy so unhappy in his own home because of some man i brang in.but i also feel like why should i have to be alone because my son dosnt like my bf,it should be my choice who i date.but at the end of the day my bfs not putting in any effort to be kind to my son or treat him like a human being (he did used to try but hes given up as my son is still rude to him no matter how hard he trys) .so i guess im gona have to end it as i have no choice but to choose my son 1st.(naturally).$ Heartbroken
This happened to me, too...there is too much testosterone in the house....meaning....competition....
Always remember....ALWAYS....your son comes first....I am not sure how old he is, but he needs to know that you would never pick another man, over hm.
I don't care if that other man is your husband, or whoever he is....you can't raise your son in that kind of environment, where there is constant turmoil and fighting, especially when it's about him....He will feel it's all his fault, and he will resent you, too....for not making sure home is his safe haven....as it should be.
Kick him to the curb! When a man or woman dates someone with a child they KNOW that it is a "packaged deal". If the step can not love the child as well as the parent I do not care how good they are get rid of them!
Sterotypical self centered male completly clueless of the harm and stress his hatred causes you.
Marriage is a sacred commitment! If the boy is 18 he can love it or leave it. He's not gonna be around forever, like your husband would. It may sound unfair, but its a fact.
The do not have to love each other however your (husband) needs to realise this is your family. By the same token you may need to put your foot down where your son is concerned and make him show respect. Only you know the full situation, but you may have to separate them and be proactive, do what you have to, to maintain peace if you love them both.
Im having the same probs with my 8yo son and my bf .its very hard being a single parent and trying to have a relationship as well as being a mother.when both are fighting for your attention and affection at the same time its so hard.i find myself spending most of my time with my bf as i feel like i have to coz him and my son do not get along .iv been trying to make them get along and have talked to both of them bowt it and told them both so many times to please try to get along coz it kills me and breaks my heart to feel like i have to choose between them.my son calls him names and talks to him likes he a piece of **** and my bf is rude back to my 8year old and acts just as bad as my son ,im always telling my bf to grow up(hes never had kids) but nothings changed and i can see my son is miserable and not happy anymore.i feel i have no choice but to end my relationship,which by the way is my first un-violent relationship and first time to ever be with a guy whos so calm and laid back who i get along with very well.id hate to loose this guy its taken me years and iv been through hell with diff guys trying to find mr right...and i finally found him except now its either choose my son or the first guy thats ever treated me like im a human,after all the bad experiences iv had in the past relationships if i leave this guy id never find another as i dont go anyware anymore as i dont trust and have huge anxiety probs.plz help i dont know what to do???
Wow argotastic, you are wrong on SO MANY levels. I happen to be the stepfather in my family and if we followed your guidelines I probably wouldn't even have a family for very long. my son (I don't say "step", I'm helping raise him and he will always be my son) is the MOST important thing in my life and my wife's. I don't think children should be 2nd in any family. Say what you want about children growing up and doing their own thing but at the end of the day they'll still call you their parents. On the other hand marriages fail all the time. When men say it's God's way to put husbands first I feel like it's their bs childish way of needing to be #1 in mommy's eyes themselves. It's about jealousy. And if a husband is jealous of his wife's children I think he needs to go, he's obviously just a little boy. Also, my son's father IS still in the picture and we have an excellent relationship with him. He's a great father who has my son every weekend, which gives us great alone time to be together.
Put your children first and never let your spouse speak hateful words against them. That's a definite sign that THEY are what will poison your family.
I just left my husband for not accepting my sons like he should have, in fact he hates the youngest one because the youngest one had to deal with the rejection longer than the middle one and the oldest one chose to live with his real Dad who he hadn't seen for years so that he wouldn't have to move in with this man that would be his stepfather after having their Mom for 8 years to themselves I sometimes wonder if I wasn't the fault of all the rebelling my sons did.
I guess my question is this. I left my husband because of the way he has rejected my sons for many years, they are grown now and have moved out but they don't come to see me often because of my husband. I feel I did the right thing in leaving but why do I feel so sad and why do I miss my husband so badly? Please tell me that it is normal to miss him even though he treated my boys unfairly.
Ure all ******* retarded
thats realy unfortunate becouse your flesh and life force are indemic to who you are what you do and how you feel ,...
what did he think he was marying ...an exention of his unfounded more personal nature ...i mean god forbid you as a mother would die and kill for your kids ..so which bit of you did he marry and [stepson is a just legal term ..at home its friend ,uncle, or even father, its called love its time to make it aparant i hope he sees the amount of anguish hes causing you and the silent effect on your boy .....who no doubt is compeating in his own way blood is blood your hubby has to reread his vows flesh of my flesh blood of my blood thats you and your fruit
all the best to all three of you
Don't worry about it. I don't hate my step-sons but I don't care about them either. Ask your husband to act like he likes the boy and then make sure the boy has a lot of time with the biological father.
Perhaps your husband will in time accept the child.
ask a question please.
that is normal,because your son does not represent him AND HIS FUTURE.go about it intelligently by minimising the image of your son placed in front of him and maximise his future by getting pregnant for him and by loving any of his kids to the extreme to his knowledge and hearing.
revert back to me if you want to know the full reasons why he hate your stepson.you should be concerned if he doesnt hate him.thats why stepkids are better left out of the picture.benefits and burdens need go together in life.stepkids are present burdens without future benefits.carefully remove all the guns fro your kid and ur hubby pls.
no she should never get pregnat by him, my mothers husband was jealous of me that he would beat me up everyday when she wasn't home, she didn't believe me then in he got her pregnant really fast, so he could trap her, then molested me...this is what men do best, then after that he was so shocked that i had relatives call the police, and child services on him and my mother,....my mother was stuck and she said no i don't think anything is true he is a good man, after that she was traped with 2 ugly sons from him, i hate her sons, and all 3 of us can't get along becuase their father taught his sons to hate me, and to kill me one day, my mother just sits like an idiot..she loves sex though..thats why he is still there, I told her never to contact me again and i wish death upon her sons...again this is what can happen if the man is crazy he will teach his children to hate the other children - he said his sons are not related to me because we have the same mother only, it can only be related if you have the same fathers, not mothers mothers don't count..so i grew up believing this...i hope women reconsider second marriages i have tried to kill my self 4 times at 12 it didn't work...