SO many negative answers!!
Of course if can get better!!! He needs what we all need, only perhaps he needs it "more" because of what he has been through:
If you truly love this man (and let's hope you do since you married him!) *stand by him*. Be his FRIEND, his helper, his support...you can help change his life...
You have to have lots of patience; never ever ever degrade him about this, or make flip or snide comments. Let go of the bitterness. This is like an illness- if he was diagnosed with a physical sickness that prevented him from having sex, would you abandon him for that? More important, would you *blame* him for that? This situation is not his fault, and he needs you more than ever!
Resign yourself to ************, don't even ask him to have sex! Tell him openly that this is what you are doing, so that he doesn't think you are rejecting him. Tell him you are doing it because you love him that much, and that if/when he's ready to have sex you will be there for him.
Tell him you are there for him to talk about it-- IF he wants to, and then don't pressure him, just let him talk if he wants. Encourage him in his counseling sessions. Don't pry- but tell him you are proud of him for going, and you know it is hard for him to deal with these things. Continue with your own counseling to help you deal with his pain, and the pain you have from his problems, but don't expect him to be ready to have joint counseling over this anytime soon. Sexual abuse is FILLED with shame...I think you are asking way too much of him to expect that he could share joint counseling at this time. He may NEVER be able to tell you the details of what happened to him, and he doesn't NEED to. You should just be there for him if he does want to talk. Sounds like he needs to figure himself out before he can even think about sharing it with you.
I feel so sad for both of you, I truly do. I am a survivor of sexual abuse, and it has affected all three of my marriages-- even the currently blissful one I'm in now--and changed many things about my life. My current husband and I share an almost perfect sexual relationship; but that is after years and years of much of the advice I gave you above.
Your husband wants to heal- even if he doesn't know it- nobody wants to be miserable! Encourage him! Love him! Support him! And he will become the man of your dreams...
I wish the best for both of you, and I hope you will post updates to your situation...
This is crazy, it's NOT going to get better. I have read all of these answers and I can't believe what I'm hearing. No. It doesn't get better, it gets worse because after ten or fifteen years of sexual problems, anger builds up. For both partners. The one who was abused is tired of defending his phobia and the wife is sick of the rejection and all of the responsibility placed on her as the "one who should help him". You can't help him!! He is a professional at controlling his environment and you are just a frustration to him. I'm sorry you are in this marriage. Get out as fast as you can.
You are exactly right about this whole comment. I have been in this same situation for 2 years. His mother was married 3 times after she had him. He has spoken of physically abusive stepfathers, but he has never acknowledged the sexual abuse and I am sure denies it to himself (so he defineatly won't be getting counseling) but exhibits all of the behaviors of sexual disconnect and emotional distancing himself.
He is so good to me and caters to my every wish, but will not let me get close to him. He gives me everything except intimacy and affection. I tell him I am not hungry, I am only starved for affection. Since to beginning he avoided sexual contact. When I try to make sexual advances on him he gets very stern and sometimes angry and says "stop"! He does not like to be touched at all ever. He does not like to kiss more than a tap on the lips occassionally. He would always make excuses of being ill or tired. When I can finally get him to have which rarely occurs I have to be on top and really work to keep him going. It is a slow process with a lot of start stop. He generally lies there with is eyes closed and his hand over his head, and has ever put the pillow over his face, as if he is not there. He often asks if I am done yet. He does not reach ****** and never has initiated sex. He will snuggle in bed while watching TV but it is hard to get him there and will leave the room if I try to advance to more.
I have always questioned his attraction to me and felt it was my fault or that I was not enough or young enough for him (ages 45/42). I also questioned his fidelity many times, though he never goes anywhere is always where he is supposed to be and never gets odd phone calls or text. I also questioned that he may have a **** addiction that robs me of his intimacy. After reading a lot I now clearly see he is emotionally detached because of sexual abuse. The depression the anger the distancing me from him. He would rather be alone, It is way to hard to take and is very painful the constant rejection. But I feel very sorry for him and what he has gone through.
When he's ready for both of you to be counseled together, you'll know. Healing from any type of abuse is a process. Some people look at girls sexually abused, and see their adult behavior to reflect the outcome of the abuse, but when it comes to guys, I mean, what guy wouldn't want a beautiful women to come in at night and take advantage of him. We're guys, however male children are not men. Now, a couple of things that can happen, or actually is required in healing. 1. He must forgive whoever hurt him. If not in person, by writing it as if he's writing in a journal. No blaming, just picturing and venting. When venting, he needs to put down "this is what, what you've done to me has impacted my life." 2. Since he was a child, he need to write a letter from his adult self to his child self. In dong so, he needs to be washed from the guilt and pain caused by the other. Thinking, as an adult, if his child self came to him and said, "this is what happened", what would he tell this child. 3. Both of you need to forgive yourselves and each other for the state your marriage is in. And you need to come up with a plan to work together to take your intimacy to another level.
People who are abused, until they forgive and take a new perspective, see sex as dirty, or themselves as being worthless. This acts out in a couple of different ways. 1. Slutty behavior 2. Lack of pleasure behavior. What's sad about situations like yours is that sex is the greatest gift humanity was given. It's how two people can come together, and through each other explore deeper levels of intimacy than can be reached without it. Don't look at sex as, "what can I get" but rather, "what can I give" No one is abusing him now, so that's not going to be an excuse that's acceptable. The fear that came from being abused is what's keeping your marriage in this state. Tell him that you really do understand that he's afraid, but he needs to follow those steps I gave, and release himself from being controlled by this fear. Then you two need to get naked and start exploring the debts of the love that you have for each other, and the love that binds your marriage.
Ok...I was sexually abused as a child pretty badly, and the worst of it was from my dad.
Believe it or not getting married was a trigger. The bulk of kids who are abused were abused by family members, trusted people outside the family being a close second. Contrary to the whole "stranger danger" thing, 80% of children are abused by friends of or by their family....and it's often chronic abuse.
This means the abuse was usually a massive betrayal of trust.
For survivors, getting close to anybody is frightening, and he has to work past that.
I found getting married itself to be a large and scary trigger.
...I suggest he join a support group. Real life is better, but online is available too.
...I suggest you tell him that sex is very important to you...that you don't judge him for being a victim, that what happened to him is not his fault (be prepared to say that about ten thousand times...really, it takes a LONG time to not feel to blame)
Be prepared to listen and not judge. Be prepared to be there when he gets to go through devastation.
I suggest you buy and read through "The courage to heal." That does have some couples' advice in it.
I suggest asking if he could hold you while you pleasure yourself...as a stopgap measure. If he can't do that, I suggest merely cuddling and touching while fully clothed, daily...the idea that you are progressively going to make touching less of a "PTSD trigger" Google that phrase, you'll need to know it.
Read the Wikipedia entry on something called C-PTSD...have him look at it too.
Oh, wow, Handed! I din't realize you were necroposting! This is a three-year-old thread!!!
I would also suggest the book _Abused Boys_ by Mike Lew. That addresses some specific issues in it for men who were abused as boys, and some ways they can heal from them - including things that they can do with their partner which can be very helpful and healing.
_Breaking Family Patterns_ by Barry and Jenae Weinhold is another good one. It is not limited to sexual abuse, but it's got a lot of exercises that can be done as an adult in an intimate partnership which can be quite helpful.
Yes, it can get better, and does get better.
Breaking family patterns...I might could use that....time for Amazon to make more $$$ of of me!
I totally feel for you. I have been married to a man for 6 years that was sexually abused by his uncle who was a priest. In the begining we had a decent sex relationship I won't say great because it never has been but, I love him anyway. However over the years it has gotten worse to the point now that we have sex maybe twice a year. He says the same thing and we both have been in counseling on our own and together. It will not get anybetter unless you get counseling. It will escalate and get worse and peole who have been abused tend to gravatae to the internet and start internet sexual relationships because they don't have to deal with the person. There is hope but, only if he deals with his abuse. I wish you the best...
The only thing I can think of is an expert on sexual disfunction,that is the person you both should see.If you had sex at first and it just stopped,how come it was Ok in the beginning?.It is something that has to be addressed for both your sakes
If he is blaming the abuse on why he isn't having sex with you...then, he's using it as a scape goat, rather than looking to find help for the problem, and therefore, he will never recover and heal....It will follow both of you forever...
I wonder if a male was the one who abused him? Sometimes, it becomes very confusing to males, if they are sexually abused as a child...and they aren't sure of their sexual orientation....Could it be possible that he's gay, and just hasn't acknowledged it, or is trying to suppress it?
If he won't get help for it....there's really nothing you can do, except decide whether living with a man who refuses to have intimacy with you, is acceptable or not....Best wishes,
Wow. My heart goes out to your husband for his scars. However it sounds to me as though he has not dealt with these issues. It is hard, speaking from experience, to deal with a childhood trauma of such magnitude but with professional help he could learn to process his feelings in a way that you both are happy. It won't happen overnight and sometimes it takes years of therapy to undo what someone messed up in a matter of minutes but it can be done. I don''t know if he is strong enough to overcome this on his own though. Sometimes the scars are so deep and buried within that some people dont even realize they are still there until the situation arises. In your case it is sex. He probably has a fully functional adult life until the moment of intimacy triggers these feelings and all that hurt he suffered is brought back to the surface for a brief period. So by not having sex he doesn't have to face the pain that he feels not realizing your needs are being sacrificed. I think he should go speak to someone professionally about this issue and maybe then you should go together. After all when you married him you became one in each other's heart so you may want to learn to deal with his scars as well cause obviously they affect you both. I am proud of you for sticking by him and wish the both of you the very best in whatever you choose to do. I hope that he finds true happiness in his heart because the human body cannot function as well without the touch of affection. God bless and I pray for all the children in the world who endure such heartache and violation.
The best thing is to recommend counseling. stand by him, make sure he doesn't feel pressured. Men feel a great deal of shame over sexual abuse. There is a lot of stigma over it. Sexual assault victims tend to blame themselves. They feel they "should have" been able to stop it. This inhibits his ability to feel like a "man". Be patient. If you love each other you can get through this
I went through the same thing. He would not have sex with me, however, he sought sexual experience outside our marriage...sexual addiction and/or the desire to have control may be the cause of my husband's problem. Not going to stick around to find out.. Too draining...
It really can get better, no matter how bad it seems now. I had amnesia of my child sexual abuse, and when I started to get body memories coming back, there were periods when anything sexual made me get an anxiety attack and I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was hard for my husband not to feel like I thought he was disgusting and was rejecting him, but it really wasn't that. Other times I got sex feelings that I'd never had in 24 years together, that had been blocked along with the abuse memories, and I was able for the 1st time to climax in intercourse. Although it's still up and down, I'm hopeful that we are moving towards a better sex life in future. I encourage you to bear with the difficulties and try to be positive about the therapy, it may feel as though it's taking forever, but it may just need time. A good therapist can help suggest ways for you both to maintain closeness and intimacy while things are difficult sexually. Your partner will need to give you reassurance of your value to them. Best wishes to you both.
Did you know about this abuse before you married him? I ask because in my case, I didnt know what I was up against. I feel your pain as I am in the same boat. We have been to therapy together. I busted him on gay hardcore **** sites. I feel horrible and angry for him and towards the abuser who is thankfully not living anymore. For years (before the discovery), I was shameful for always wanting sex- I thought I had a problem wanting it every other day. Turns out now, he also has ED. So- to make a very long painful story short, I am not happy, i have been on and off meds, he still hasn't fully TRIED to better himself.
After all those years of feeling like a rejected nympho, I have no sexual attraction for him! I know we can both find other partners. We are both easy going and attractive, but we also get along great with each other. I want to leave but I'm afraid. I wish he would be the one to walk away- so I dont feel like I'm abandoning him. I am lost :) Best of luck to you
I was a sexually abuses child and am in a sexless marriage. However, it is my spouse that is the person not interested in sex not me. I believe that the sexual abuse, in my instance, greatly influenced how I handled my situation, and even the partner I picked. Perhaps I was looking for someonw safe.
But the sexual abuse wouldn't necessarily cause you to not want to share a sexual relationship.
And, again as a previous commenter pointed out, that you were both sexually interested and then it changed.
I am sorry that you and your spouse are in this situation.
I think he's just using that as an excuse. Maybe everyone is different but I was sexually abused and I know lof of people who was too and none of them thought because of the abuse
I for one am a person that can identify to the abused male that happened to as I have had this happen to me. If anything a person to talk to can help A LOT.
After it registered at what had happened to me I shut down emotionally for the most part. It registered and I became depressed and did not have positive relationships. I broke up with a girl if she wanted sex or told them they loved me.
He needs to know you love him for him and not the sex. I really was never told by any partners "I love you." then proceed to hug me, cuddle or whatnot. They hugged me and it lead to sex EVERYTIME. Sometimes even as a guy I just want to lie there and have the girl just want to sleep with me and not it mean sex.
Overall unless you just do nothing sometimes and still are really meaning love in his eyes he wont ever get the feeling of love. I still don't and I realized I needed to about a year ago.
I understand exactly what you mean. My boyfriend confided in me that a cousin of his used to sexually abuse him when he was small. He laughed it off and tried to trivial it but now that I realize we have an infrequency in sex I wonder if that has played a part. He told me two days ago, after being together for three, years that he feels anxious and sometimes upset when he sees me because he automatically thinks I'm coming just for sex. It really disturbed me because that couldn't be far from the truth but he always tells me that sex is not everything and there is more to life than sex, and if I don't know anything else in life but sex. I just got a whim last night to start researching sexual abuse by mothers and other kinds of sexual abuse. I too had been sexuall abused as a child but I am the opposite to him. I am highly-sexed. What a life!
I think my boyfriend feels the same way. And he says very similar things. He seems to never actually invite me over. I have to invite myself even after 2 years. Sex is rare and I have to go through so many hurdles to get it. Its like battlefield with a lot of me feeling unsexy and rejected.
My question is...do they need the relationship do they want to be intimate and cant...can they be close to us and happier in our romantic relationship without sex and just simple cuddling? or will the relatonship and love feelings just fade and be meaningless and fade?
i'm so sorry, but probably not.
i think the best thing to do is to stick with him and hold his hand through this hard time. he is really hurting and something HORRIBLE and Unforgivable happened to him as a child. it wasnt his fault and its not his fault that he is acting this way. stick with him and help him and things will get better. they just have to. the devil knocks us down, but God picks us up. have faith
With councelling it will but it will be painfull so it will get worse before it gets better, and that's only if that really is the reason behind it
maybe you said or did something to remind him of the abuse, I was abused as a child and sometimes even though I love my husband something will trigger the I need some time celebate mode, let him know you still love him, do things that you use to do and don't make him feel he should or has too be sexual with you, and sometimes take care of your own needs where he can see you accidently doing it and that may trigger his desire. make sure he thinks it's an accident that he saw you and then let him make the suggestion to continue, let it be his idea, but be careful that he doesn't feel more pressure to perform, and if he's not that great in the sack let him think he is don't critisize him or laugh at him be his loving patient wife
I don't believe sexual abuse as a child has anything to do with it. Something else is going on with him....cheating....****...or maybe even depression.
Is he on anti depressants?. You don't mention ages....but I don't think that matters. The average male in a relationship has 4 ******* a week....2 solo...2 with his partner. Hes still getting a release somehow. Will it get better? I doubt it. I have read soo many comments in the sexless marriage section....but its rare to see any sucess stories. If u ever want a sexually active relationship again....You might as well start over
You don't know these people, how can you jump to such conclusions with no justification? Someone sexually abused as a child is NOT the average male. Please don't listen to this advice, it is illinformed and potentially destructive to you and your husband.
These men **********. They use the internet to get the unthreatening visual and their own touch is unthreatening. Thus the release.