rodtabs rodtabs 18-21, F 4 Answers Feb 11, 2011

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That's true. My mother is the same way - I'm 30, and it took me years of therapy and then finally my husband's advice to just stop looking for her approval, and to just always accept her critisism - cause it's true .. the only person you can change is yourself, and your reactions to her .. although, it depends on how old you are, because if your under 18, and being supported by her financially then you do have to just "listen" to her and her rules .. that is, until you move out ...

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Some parents see their role as being in charge, period. They don't want to discuss, negotiate, listen to you, understand you, accept you or anything like that. They just want, and expect, to be in charge. They are traditional, authoritarian parents. As Lenin said, right before the Russian Revolution, "No one gives up power voluntarily." This is especially true of this type of parent.

Here is the kind of dialogue I used to have with my mother about things like this:

Me: "Gee, Mom, I'm almost 40 years old. Don't you think it would be nice if we had a more friendly relationship? Like, instead of shouting orders at me as if I were a naughty four year old kid, you could talk to me in a normal tone of voice....Or maybe we could share some fun news or tell jokes or do something fun together, like take a walk or go on a picnic....."


You need to do what I didn't do--figure it out before you turn 40! You will never have the kind of relationship you might enjoy with your mom. She no doubt has some good points so focus in on them. And start seeing her as a situation comedy character; you can even give your sit-com a name. (I called mine: The Wicked Witch of West Hollywood). And whenever she talks to you like she is a military leader, whenever she insults you, or ignores you, imagine a laugh track running in the background.

Anything you do short of complete and utter obedience without a single murmur or look will make her feel disrespected. Get a job skill, get a job and move out ASAP. Meanwhile...think of that sit-com and whenever she comes down on you without a good reason, think "It's showtime!"

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All you can do is love and accept her as she is. If she has already shown she isn't willing to change then you aren't going to be able to change her. All you can do is change the way you look at her and how you accept her actions. Just keep on loving her because she is your mother. Maybe when you are a little older she will be more accepting of your views. She could still be seeing you as a child and therefore thinks that she as the adult knows best.

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Respect that her mind is closed, and stop trying to change it. Give up.

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