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familyluv familyluv 18-21 12 Answers Sep 30, 2011

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The abusers greatest strength AND weapon is the isolation inflicted upon the victim. They can't do anything else until isolation is achieved. Clearly, your sister has a family that loves her. I can not suggest strongly enough that you do whatever it takes to keep the lines open. The purpose it serves is already protecting her. You KNOW that he has pushed her because she is not totally isolated yet. As a former victim I can't tell you how important it is for your sister and for HIM to KNOW that she has a family that loves her and you will ALWAYS be around your sister and an active part of her life. That alone can have a strange protective effect and your sister will know that if there is trouble she can turn to you. This gives the "victim" strength whether she knows it or not. It will come to her if and when she needs it. STAY INVOLVED in your sister's life no matter what it takes. From your position it is the best way that you can protect her and "stay in the know" about what's going on. That way if you need to step you can.

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As hard as it to accept, you cannot change her, just as much as she cannot change him. Just listen, try to be supportive and document things she tells you. Seriously when she is ready to make the break, it can help with getting a restraining order ( if needed ) that the abuse is documented. Really hard thing to watch, but one day she will see the light.

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listen, i know it's much easier to accept that your sister's boyfriend is the monster, and the problem, but can you accept that your sister is the problem? she does not love her self, she have low self esteem, and she had the problem before this guy came along, don't waste any energy on her bofriend, concentrate on your sister, and i promise things will change. also work on, with your sister's approval tell the rest of the family so you can get a lot more help, she will need it!

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You can't. No one has ever been able to talk a person in love out of being with their beloved no matter how awful Mr. or Ms. Beloved is. Abusive people become addicted to the abuse and they develop what psychologists called "learned helplessness," the belief they can do nothing to help their situation. So, unfortunately, you can't do anything to "help her see" he is not a good guy. You could show her videos of her guy making it with her twelve year old sister with the sister confirming it and he would still be able to talk her out of leaving.<br />
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So you cannot help her to see he is not a good guy. But you CAN help her to see that SHE is a good woman. You can provide a lot of emotional support when she comes to you. You can let her know you are there if she needs you. You can remind her of all of the times in her life when she has triumphed over a bad situation or tell her how much you admire something she said or did. You can feed into her strong, confident self which is still in her brain somewhere waiting to be reactivated. Let her know you are concerned about her situation but don't nag. Remember, if you nag her too much, she will tell her guy about it and he will make sure that you never see her. Abusers do that. So be cautious but support her. Right now, it's all you can do.<br />
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And, if she is a reader, get her to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. This will give her some perspective on judging whether or not she is in a safe situation. Read it yourself before you give it to her so you can both discuss it. It is a very readable book, not at all boring, and it can explain how to judge when you are in danger and what to do about it.

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be there for her. spend time with her and dont judge her. She needs to be able to see that he is a jerk on her own to really get over him

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the problem is she can't see he's a bad guy she thinks she can change him and he's already pushed her twice. She's not big on hanging out with the family so even if I wanted to she wouldnt hang out with me

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i was with a man that was always yelling at me. telling me who i could talk to and not talk to treated me horribly. I had people telling me all the time he was bad for me he was abusive i would not listen. You can try to talk to her but in the end this will be her descion unless it gets phsicall and someone call the cops. PRAY that it does not get worse.

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The problem is that the abuser controls the abusee through emotional and/or physical abuse. The abusee is made to believe, through brain-washing, that they are unwanted and unworthy of anyone else's love and attention. Any beatings are made to look like it was the abusee's fault for making the abuser angry. It's a very weird situation.<br />
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If you say anything bad about the abuser to the abusee, you will only alienate yourself in the abusee's eyes. It's a very tough road but I'm sure that there's something somebody can do. One idea might be to get someone to show a romantic interest in the abusee. But that's almost impossible because the abuser keeps constant tabs on the abusee's time and location to make sure that nobody interferes with their control. Anyone outside the situation sees it all very clearly. The abusee is in a fog all the time and believes only what the abuser says.<br />
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Of course the best way is to fix the source of the problem, the abuser. I mean put in prison for life.

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Usually people don't listen to other people, however, sometimes they need a good catalyst, to see things and make their own conclusions to make the changes they need to make. <br />
I suggest you invest in buying this documentary. All revenue is donated to a good cause. <br />
I hope it changes her perspective on things. I believe it will.<br />
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<a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Watch-Documentaries/1637603" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a>

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You can't but ALWAYS support her even if you don't support her choices . <br />
Her lesson to learn as hard as it is to watch .<br />
Don't isolate yourself from her and play into his hands .

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But then she shuts me out and won't tell me anything. I'm lucky she's told me this much. I can't sit back and do nothing she needs help and she needs to get away from him before he pushs her again and she gets hurt for real

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You're likely wasting your time. She's gotta come to the conclusion on her own. Just tell her that when she's ready to accept help to get herself out of that situation you'll be there for her.

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you cant , she has to figure it out on her own

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Have her meet nice people so she can see the difference.

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