My little cousin ( she is going to be 13) knows some people that are obnoxious to her and snobby. (it's not quite bullying, they are just sneaky and like to brag and show off, and make her feel bad. Her teacher told her to "kill them with kindness". She told me she doesn't know what that means or how to do that. I told her it means to be polite, and walk away, but she wants examples, or a better description, and I am not sure how else to explain that. Can someone please give me a better definition of that quote and examples of how to deal with difficult people? so she will understand better. thank you.
Carrie7 Carrie7 51-55, F 14 Answers Nov 23, 2012 in WTK

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I don't kill people with kindness. If I don't like someone, I treat them with what I call "polite detachment". I pleasantly say 'Hi', while maintaining no emotional investment in the relationship. I do this because it puts me in a much better mood than if I was to avoid that person or openly disdain them. And, ultimately, preserving my own mood is much more important than pleasing the rare person I don't like.

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Well said.

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HI. I'm sorry your daughter has this issue.

"Kill them with kindness" is a lost term on kids these days. "Golden rule" is another. Best to find some new friends but she will have to deal with these types of people in the future. Learning coping skills now is good.

Three things.

1) Let her know she is safe with you at home. She has a rock to stand on and that she does not stand alone.

2) Help her take control. When the other girls show off, tell her to play it down. To say "that's nice. Do you feel bigger for it? " "One up-mans ship" is not a good approach. These girls could go for who has the best cloths, most boy friends or done the most guys. They will not go for worthy targets of best grades, highest rank in girl scouts, etc.

3) Find other people. Yes she will actually have to ask them. If she has not talked to everyone than she has not given everyone a chance. Easier said than done. Here you will have to change to help her find other groups.

Good luck. parenting is not easy - it is worth it.

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I have a little girl of 11 who faces some social problems like that. If it were me facing this question? I would probably reset the advice and recommend that she find another clique to spend time with. People who are mean and stingy with their acceptance of others into their group will never change their ways. Those of us giving guidance to the young need to keep in mind that kids are in the process of working out their social skills and this kind of behavior can often be exaggerated and sometimes quite painful to others. Many adults are just as nasty so knowing how to be happy without becoming obsessed with being accepted into hurtful social circles is an important skill to learn.

Unfortunately my daughter is stubborn as hell and ignores my advice, continuing to try anyway. That's life... *sigh* all I can do is keep helping her process her feelings and continue to gently try to teach her how to find another way to fill the need to be accepted by others.

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In the Bible we have Proverbs 25: 21-22: If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.

Basically it means you go out of your way to avoid arguing back, always offer the olive branch, be pleasant, kind and helpful instead and this is like "heaping burning coals on your enemies head" they find it very difficult to continue being an enermy to someone who is so nice in return.

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Hi you.

This is what, I would tell my daughter:


You could tell her, that some people are unhappy and have a certain need to show off, like keep apprences. Even, if you know, that they are having certain "status" and respect in the socity.

Some people will never change. And some children are raised in difficult homes, where the parents are acting like children and children like adults - And it´s only because of poor upbring of the child. Again the parents to blame not the children.


Tell her, the only thing, she needs to know is, that she is a better and happier girl, and she is loved and cared for. These are some very unhappy and sad children without content of life.

She will always remain the better and healthier person.

I hope, it helped you a little with your doubts.

Hugs Marin.

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Let her know that they are only trying to make themselves feel good and it has nothing to do with her. I have a friend who loves to drop names. He was a cop and he's always telling others how he met various celebrities like Steven Tyler, Mickey Mantle, JFK(he was 9) and many others. I met Steven Tyler, too and I talked with him, while my friend was completely star struck. I just smile and don't show any interest in the conversation. I feel sorry for him that he has to do things to make himself look better to other people. He has very low self esteem. He just did this last night, so it came to my mind...

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Honestly, the absolute best way to not get picked on is to have a personality where you don't put up with ****. That said, not everyone has that - especially 13 year olds. I certainly didn't.

"Kill them with kindness" means that you be the better person in every situation and go out of your way to ... well be kind. Help them if they have trouble with something, compliment them if they're having a bad day, talk to them when they're lonely - stuff like that. The idea being that they'll realize they're royal jerks for being mean.

This is not a strategy that will win in all situations. They would have to be aware of the fact they're being mean. A lot of people aren't. But if they are, it can work.

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If your cousin is a good kid, tell her be herself with these other kids. Explain to her if she hasn't already figured this out, that there are and most likely always will be people like her classmates who put others down just to make themselves feel better about who they are. That when they throw a put down towards her, it's not about HER, but it's about their own self worth that they have problems dealing with, that those bullies are only happy when other people are miserable.

My own theory on that is ignore them and smile, this would show these bullies (it is bullying that is going on here why the teacher hasn't intervened other than with some confusing message I don't understand) that their words are meaningless and on that day they are not going to feed on some perceived weakness they think they see in her or others.

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I would tell her to ignore them, period. I don't' agree with killing them with kindness .. because that comes across as phony and they'll know it.

Concentrate on her good friends and don't let the obnoxious ones bother her.

The reason they pick on her is because it bothers her. She just needs to realize that they're nasty kids who don't warrant any of her attention at all.

You can't control other people .. all you can do is not allow them to affect you.

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I would say "Killing them with kindness" would be to say compliments to excess with a hint of condescension and sarcasm.

What a great new bike your dad bought you! Please tell me all about how it makes you a better person, because I really admire you a lot more now.

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its quite difficult for an individual to handle a group.. One probable way is to divide the group in a stunning / shocking manner by choosing one of them...

Probably a daring kiss to someone to shut his mouth and tell him " I just felt like kissing you.. and I did"..

Its like a thunder bolt and will keep them silenced ..

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