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I've been married just over a year now. Last month, I got a one year no contact protective order against my husband because of his abuse, which started right after we got married (choking, slapping, throwing things, breaking down doors, throwing me). He seems really charming and has a lot of friends, but as a husband, he didnt take responsibility (no job, no car, has a trust fund);plus I have a 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship who has witnessed the yelling and screaming. The problem is I miss him so much and am seriously thinking of dropping the order in hopes that he will change. I am getting counseling for myself and my child, but even with all this, I feel I may have overreacted and given up on my marriage too soon. Should I take my husband back under the condition that he get help for his abuse? Will he change? If things were so horrible, then why do I miss him so much? I really don't want to go through a divorce, each day away from him gets harder and harder
sheri305 sheri305 31-35, F 20 Answers Sep 13, 2009

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okay you can put yourself back into a position where you could be killed that is your choice<br />
<br />
but<br />
<br />
just how much do you love your daughter, you want her to see that sort of violence<br />
<br />
PUT YOUR DAUGHTER AND HER SAFETY FIRST<br />
<br />
STAY AWAY FROM THE CREEP

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oh my dear. i just went through this, on a slightly smaller scale. we were not married. but the abuse started as soon as we signed a lease and moved in together. (once they have you into a legal situation, they start the abuse...they hide it until then).<br />
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he will not change. i was told this by so many people. i was also told that it would get worse. they were right. <br />
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you've had him arrested, or otherwise how could you have the order of protection - and for a whole year? wow. i only got 30 days - and he broke the order of protection within a little over 48 hours. this is how incorrugible these types are.<br />
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you cannot stay with this man. you must divorce him and seek therapy for yourself and possibly your daughter too. YOU CAN BE HAPPY WITHOUT HIM.<br />
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oh - the part about being charming and having lots of friends? so did my ex boyfriend. <br />
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just like your husband, my xBF had no job, no car and had a government check coming to him because of a disability. i worked constantly while he stayed home and drank and had friends over. I COULDN'T WAIT TO LEAVE HIM!!!!<br />
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someone also told me that the choking part, even if it is just a choking gesture for a moment - is the most lethal thing a person can do to another - so beware! you are risking your life, and your peace of mind. i understand that you are scared and hurting...but you cannot have the order of protection lifted anyway. the judge won't allow it.<br />
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may i suggest another website for you to find support - www.soberrecovery.com there are forums there where you can post threads and get to know others who are in situations like yours.<br />
<br />
do you really want your daughter around this man? run, baby, run!!!!<br />
<br />
god bless, and please stay in touch with me. <br />
<br />
shuga

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No. You and your daughter deserves better than that. There's plenty of fish in the sea and I'm sure that you will find someone who will appreciate and respect you and will be good influence for your daughter. No man has the right to lay a hand on a woman no matter what his reason is. And if he hit you once he will do it again. You have the responsibility for you and for your daughter, so yeah i believe you should stay as far away from the guy as possible.

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They won't change and what if he turns on your daughter, her safety and well being must be your first second and third priority. You and she deserve better

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If we are voting my vote is No

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I admit- I only glanced at the details. Based soley on the question- No! People rarely change and I would think you would constantly be waiting for him to flip. Plus, how long til he moves on to your child? Again- NO!!

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I know it can be hard to let go..I am finding it impossible right now..but for your daughters sake...don't go back until he gets help!

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now thats why shes asking should she go back if he gets help.

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I guess if you want your daughter to grow up and marry<br />
an abusive man, then yes you should go back to him.<br />
Statistics show that if a girl is raised by a father that<br />
abuses his wife, then there is a 4 in 10 chance that she<br />
will marry a man that will end up abusing her.<br />
If a boy is raised by a father that abuses his wife, 9 times<br />
out of ten, he will end up either abusing his wife or abusing<br />
women in general.<br />
Do you love your daughter?<br />
Why on earth would you get back with your abusive husband then?

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no.deffinetly NO

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Sure. if your the kind that believes that everyone has a right to decide how their life will end. Go back, drag your kids along too. I'm sure they'll thank someday for the trama, if they survive. Actually, i hear the middle east is very nice this time of year, and there are a few wars going on in africa you could visit, I mean, it's just life destroying violence, right? That's NOTHING compaired to missing someone...

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I like the Sarcasm it helps.

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If you had no children that are affected by everything you do...ever choice you make affects her too....<br />
<br />
Then I would have said if you wanted to get back with him it was your choice, but <br />
<br />
No...You are putting your daughter through emotional torment and at some point it could easily be her that receives the angry treatment as well...

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Thank you for all the responses I found them very helpful. I am going threw a divorce and have three children we were married 20 years. He is verbally abusive and has choked the kids claiming it is NOT hitting. My oldest one day begged me to leave and asks why are we still here? It's almost the end of divorce process and I feeling<br />
Like I should get back w him. I so miss our family. We had so many secrets though. I can't imagine anyone ever wanting me. I also think maybe I over reacted. I keep telling myself well he did t cheat on my when most guys do I guess it can't be that bad. Uh so confused. I hate that I am feeling this way. I am so scared of him I can't even look at him. What is my problem?

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Thank you everyone for your thoughts, I too am in the same situation and very much emotionally attatched to my abuser. I left soley because i did not want my daughter to grow up thinking this is ok. In fact when she is older and starts dating I want her to run the other direction when she knows of any signs of abuse. It is hard to not get back with my husban because of the emotional connection and all the hope we have for the marriage. But my husband wont change he is the way he is because his dad was the same way to his mom. My daughter is 8 and this is her father, she doesnt want us to go back its been 3 months now. Its hard but best to stay away and I advise that to anyone else in a similar situation.

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Absolutely not. No. Never. Not unless you just love pain.

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u seem to adapt to abuse,if you do go back what r ur odds of living,,,is he mad that u did this to him??if he is he could act nice and sweet and when u get there,in his way,he'll start the same ****-he may even get so bad he could kill you and ur daughter-do u really want this.to go back to an abusive relationship and put ur child in harms way.the state could even take ur daughter away-ever think of this!!!!ur better to see him by urself in public if anything

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Nooo!! Please don't do it...at least do it for your daughter, what kind of role model would you be if you teach her that it is ok to put up with a man that abuses you?? Do you want the same fate for her?

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