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Me and a co worker of mine had been friends for a short time, and we both eventually expressed our attraction and care for each other. We had a few intimate experiences, but agreed that we should back off of each other because we were both married, even though it was clear we would rather be with each other. My last day of work was last week, but I have never told him how deeply and how much I really loved him. Should I tell him in one form or another? I cannot fathom never telling him how I really felt! Don't you think he would want to know? I am soooooo confused!
Reishi Reishi 26-30, F 25 Answers Mar 16, 2010

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Let me say it to you this way, sweetie. I'm going through a divorce at the moment because my husband was cheating with another woman. Our kids no longer feel the same by their father as they once did. The oldest avoids his dad's calls and we have been split for five months. The youngest who was very close to his dad didn't speak at all to him for a month. Said he would eventually talk to his dad again but that their relationship will never go back to what it was. This decision hurt more than just the "couple".<br />
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Fast forward five months: Ex has "decided" he wants to come back to ME. Why? Probably because of the alimony he is going to have to pay out. He says himself that he should have ended the marriage before ever becoming involved with another woman. He was "torn" between the two of us. <br />
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Should you tell him how you feel? Hell no!!! Leave your marriage first IF you're sure that's what you want. See if he does the same. I can bet you that if there are young children involved he's not leaving the wife no matter how he feels about you or how "unhappy" he is in the marriage. Do you want to be his little "side dish" indefinitely? Have some damn respect for yourself.

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you had a fling, get over it and leave well enough along<br />
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by the way are there kids, think of the kids first not yourself

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Maybe but only if you agree to leave your current partners before Anything happens

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I think that you should think of both of your families and quit messing around with married men especially since you are married yourself. How would your husband and kids feel if they found out you were cheating?

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That is a tough one! I personally would think you would always have regrets for a very long time if you didn't tell someone you love how you really felt. But you both are married and you have to be prepared for what may or may not happen after telling him. Are you ready for him to ignore your feelings? He may do this even if he feels the same way because of the married situation. Or are you ready for him to leave his wife for you? What if he wants to but you don't want to leave your husband... Hmmmm.... I am a hopeless romantic and I say go for it! You will never know what may happen unless you tell him how you feel...

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This sounds like lots of heartache. Put the efffort into your marriage.

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As a woman who has been on the receiving end of a woman that had no respect for my marriage,my first reaction is slightly violent. Lol. But I will answer out of a human point of view. It happens that you develop feelings for another, even if you are committed already but as we are not animals whom just give in to every and all "feelings" my advise would be to really weigh the pros and cons and base your decision on that. Remembering at the same time that trust is very important and would you ever be able to fully trust each other?

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What you have done, has destroyed the relationships of your own marriages.<br />
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Both of you betrayed each others families, honor and trust.<br />
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There is no greater Betrayal to a family, than Adultery.<br />
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I'm not trying to judge what you have done, I am only projecting the moral Commitments each of you have made to others.<br />
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You must live with this. It can't be undone. I'm sorry you told this. It has to be eating you up.

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Keep your mouth shut. glad ya' got a new job. If ya' get married again, don't cheat, and stay away from married men.<br />
find out who you are, and make a list of the qualities you wouldn't want in a friend, then ask yourself how much you like yourself, before you mess up any other relationships.

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You're not confused - you want to tell him how you feel, and you want us to tell you it's ok to do that. It's not ok though because you are married!<br />
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Are you imagining that you would tell him how much you love him and the two of you would decide to leave your current spouses and be together? Fat chance. Your decision to stay married or get divorced needs to be completely independent of anything having to do with the new guy. It doesn't sound like you want to leave your husband unless you think you can be with the new guy, so I would advise you to keep your mouth shut.

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Why this things happen, why do you allowed this to happen and both your families will suffered just for your own pleasure-isnt that selfishness? I say you need to seek your inner self why you really need always to seek attention and be loved always? If you do tel your husband, please tell him honestly what you did and not saying its your husbands fault. Be really honest to him.

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Dear Reishi, <br />
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I am not sure about the nature of these intimate moments you shared with this person but sounds like you both tried to do the "right" thing by deciding to back off. If the thing you have for this person is physical forget it. It will not last. But what you have for this guy goes much deeper, like you want to be there when he just woke up and has not brushed his teeth yet, you want to just rest you head on his shoulder, if you find peace in his presence, if you feel that special connection first end your marriage (you do not have to wait for legal papers, just talk to you husband and be honest) then go talk to this guy. If he comes to you as a free man take him. But do not accept anything less as you deserve to love and to be loved with respect. I think love is too rare and if you happened to be in a marriage when it finds you it is the most tragic thing that can happen. And if there is a chance that as you say he has feeling for you I think it is worth to find out if they are strong enough as your feelings for him!

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You do have control over your emotions, unless you are a teenager. YES, you do. All people throughout their life find they are attracted to and enjoy the company of quite a few people during our lifetime. But, we are able to control our feelings and actions with thoughts like, "Wow he is so great, and if we weren't married this could be something. But obviously I would never want to harm a marriage or family. I have respect for my husband as well." Adulterers are cowards. Too cowardly to face issues at home with heart to heart open conversations, counseling, and even divorce if necessary. Unless you already have a low opinion of yourself, there is no way you can be proud of yourself. Sorry to be blunt, but I think adulterers need to hear the truth. It is not OK to screw with other people's lives, families and commitments. You and your paramour have some serious problems to work out...apart from each other...because you know what? This will just keep happening to you over and over. Why do you lack respect for your husband and his wife and family? Why are you so comfortable knowing you are taking part in something very cruel. Why are you so self-centered? You need to face these questions so you can be the kind of person you can respect.<br />
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We are programmed to be strongly attracted to others. Maturity is what keeps us from running chaotically from one shallow relationship to another.

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Think about if your husband did that to you...<br />
and if you still feel alright about it, then go for it.

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First tell your husband and then tell your lover , you need to be honest with your mate first off. Thats the right thing to do.

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care for yourself first leave it alone and if its ment to happen it will,that way if you get together later on you will both have a clear concience

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Better not to. But if you wanted to mess your family and his then go ahead. If both are unhappy with the present situation with their own spouses, get a divorce, then plan your future...

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I agree with chaosrabbit but if you do tell him expect all hell to break loose, if you do tell him then do it flat out and ask what he thinks of this. Plus you and he should have the back bone since you allready had something to tell your spouses, they deserve to know. No offense just voicing an opinion.

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should i tell a married man how i feel about him

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