Tell me something funny?

I was in adult ed the other day when a dude at the front of the class turns around and says, "I had a dream we all went on a field trip... I killed all of you. Ha ha I'm serious, man." That cheered me up enough to get through the day.

What's brown and sticky.................


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a STICK!!!

What do you get "when you cross an elephant with a fish ?
Answer: swimming trunks.
(compliments Of A Local Free Paper.)

the three pillars of religion

1. Jews don't recognize jesus as the Christ.

2. catholics don't recognize protestant religions as ordained by god.

3. baptists don't recognize each other in liquor stores and str** clubs.

The Art Collector
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash.
"Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender.
"Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-******, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for it. He paid the fee and approached the hulking doorman.
With a single blow, Tony knocked Spike cold.
Triumphant, Tony stormed into the bar's backyard. The patrons listened to the pit bull's ferocious bark for several minutes, which was followed by a series of hysterical yelps.

Covered with nicks and scratches, Tony reentered the saloon and yelled:
"Two down! Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"

A man had been walking across the street when all of a sudden he was clobbered by a hit-and-run driver. He died and was welcomed into Heaven by St. Peter.
"Life here is very similar to life down there," the saint said, pointing down to earth. "You can still get hurt up here, but its offset by the fact that nothing is illegal and everything is free. Just be careful and enjoy yourself."

Amazed and somewhat bewildered, the man started to take in the sights. Not watching where he was going, he stepped off the curb and was almost run over by an Oldsmobile Cutlass. "Wow, who the heck was that?" the man wondered aloud. "That was Mr. Olds," said St. Peter. "He's a driving maniac, but you've got to be careful if you're going to stay here." The newcomer nodded and continued on. A minute later, as he was carefully crossing over to a striptease joint, a speeding Cadillac nearly ran him over. "******* it! Who the hell was that a-hole?" he screamed at St. Peter, who was still keeping an eye on him. "None other than Mr. Ford. As you can see, the idiot enjoys driving fast," replied St. Peter. "I know its difficult but do try to be careful."
The man made extra sure before he attempted a third crossing, but just as he was about to reach the other side successfully, a Ferrarri driven by some long haired freak with a long beard and a wide grin appeared out of nowhere and bumped him across the street.
"Okay who the **** was that?" he screamed as he layed sprawled at the saint's feet.
"Keep your voice down," St. Peter hissed. "That's the boss' son."

Want a funny. Scroll down to the question abt. chicken mc nuggets and read it...... Then get out the match.

What is the difference between MacDonalds and the Government system?

MacDonalds only has the one Clown running their stores.

lol @ David's joke! So true!

Funny huh.

Q: What do you call a line of rabbits dancing while moving backwards?
A: A receding hare line!

men with vasectomy"s are deadbeats!

The Lion's wont lose today....they don't play!!!!

The recession is over, start spending ....again !!! :-)

Just read my first story , it will make you laugh.......or cry

What do you call paint splattered all over the place????

A Mess!!!!!
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What a corny joke!!!! I got it off of the back of a Laffy Taffy! How lame!!!!