This might sound dumb but, I was on Facebook and my boyfriend at the time broke up with me and cheated and all this other drama, and I had already been cutting for months then. But at this point I had decided it was time to actually do the deed. Then right as I was about to break skin,my Facebook IM chat popped up. It was this guy I had the biggest crush on my freshman year(this was summer time). He asked me what iwas doing at told me to call him. So I gathered myself together and called him and we talked then later that summer we went to a concert together. As friends unfortunately. But I still never told him what I was doing when he called.
It is a good thing that he "caught" you, basically. I think that is heavenly guidance... my little jury is still out on this one, but you should Google "Peg Entwistle". See if you can straighten out all the facts. There's too much about it to type out... google her, you'll be glad/sad you did. :)
Three things:<br />
1) I was busy complaining that everything SUCKS - work sucks, school sucks, I'm always stressed out, sick, and miserable. I see nothing but obligation, WORK and drugery in my future. My friend explained to me that it feels good to be alive, it feels good to breathe fresh air, to wake up in the morning and stretch, it feels good to eat, to have sex, to feel a cool breeze. I was rushing and working so hard that I forgot to appreciate the little things in life.<br />
2) When I was looking suicide in the face and considering death, the things I used to think were all important didn't seem as important anymore. Another close friend of mine made me realize I had two choices - accept death or see what happens with this game called life. I decided why not give it a shot? Even if it's horrible life is short and it'll be over soon enough anyway. I could take all that work drudgery and obligation that I thought I HAD to do, throw it out the window and see what's the worst that could happen? I am not afraid anymore. Come what may I could always come back to suicide if I really needed to, and now I don't see my life as work drudgery and obligation but as an opportunity to experiment, to pursue my dreams, to find joy in the little moments of life. <br />
3) The process to getting to where I am now (off of the anti-anxiety meds and happier than ever!) took 1-2 yrs. This book helped me IMMENSELY - "Feeling Good" It's about logically analyzing the beliefs that stress you out. Sometimes we are mistaken and stressing out over nothing, but it's hard to take a logical look at it when just thinking about it makes you want to cry.... Because of the emotional nature of these beliefs we avoid looking at them altogether and accept them as fact which then leads to a downward spiral. This book analyzes them for you when it's too upsetting to do it yourself.<br />
Since that time I have changed my priorities. <br />
1) Friends and family come first over "productivity" I have made a firm rule in my life that if they need me I will be there for them. If we are both free to hang out I will drop EVERYTHING and hang out with them. This may only turn out to once or twice a month but I am a MUCH happier person. I don't "accomplish" as much but I've come to realize that is not what life should be about.<br />
2) I am making my health the next highest priority after friends and family. I never paid much attention to it before and poor eating habits, zero exercise, and a near constant state of stress and panic over trying to accomplish everything I had set my mind to made me so sick I could barely function anymore. Now I am diligent about eating my fruits and veggies, getting some exercise, and finding ways to relax and enjoy little things in life.<br />
3) I prioritze my free time around my dreams and not around my obligations. My house is messy but my notebooks are full of ideas for adventures, books I want to write, and plans to live my dream life.
I'm so glad, I really hoped it would help someone out there. I elaborated on this response by creating my very first story on this site, (I ran out of space to post all of my thoughts here... *sheepish grin*) EP Link
I may be young, but yes, I've been there, I found myself screaming, crying, simply wanting to do anything for it to stop, for everything to stop, to free myself from pain. So many people say that its a selfish thing, and to think of the people you would leave behind, but that didn't help me, I was in a place where I didn't care about the people I left behind, I wouldn't have to be there with them, so why would it be my problem? But the thing is, now, when I look back, I can't even remember what is was that made me like that, the thing that almost drove to the edge of destruction, and I can't even place what it was in my mind. From then on I realized that whatever I thought of anything at the time was simply a glamor of what was really going on, and I opened my eyes to the freedom of the world, I realized that I could really do anything, and that there really was a way out of any situation, and it really helped me, it made me feel like I had control over my life, which I now really do. So just take a moment, and look at all the things you really could do, and remember, that there is a way of over-looking what can at the time seem to be the darkest of situations. You may not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there, trust me ;)
That the depression is a temporary thing, but death is permanent. Things get bad and things get better. I didn't want to miss out on the good things.
They found me..
The only thing that stops me sometimes is that legally, a suicide must be autopsied, to find cause of death, even it if very obvious. I worked at a mortuary and its a horribe thing to do to someones body
realizing that there are answers here on earth that i need to kno in order to understand the next life.
The last time I was on the verge, I called my soon to be ex husband, we were separated at the time and he "talked me down" so to speak.